Naruto: Entwined Tails
by MountainWind
Summary: When they met in a dream both were fulfilled, but slowly he forgot. She has not, and she has come to his life for one purpose: to serve and love him. The only problem is a certain kunoichi or two may object. Warnings and pairings inside.
1. Similar Pelts

A/N: This is to all those who have more than one of my horrible little atrocities know as Fanfictions favorated or watched, please tell me how this is. I honestly want feed back on this one. Yes it stems from a litle idea I thought would be adorable, but that doesn't matter. Honest words and reviews about the writing and the story.

Thank you

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

* * *

**Entwined Tails **

**By MountainWind**

**Summary**

Long ago there was a little girl who dreamt of a little boy. Both were so lonely because of things they could not control. The little girl was the daughter of a demon and the female Mizukage. The little boy was Naruto. Their last shared dream was over eleven years ago.

But Naruto didn't know she began to dream of him again. Now Noumaki Yui has come to fulfill the promise she made to Naruto. Combined with her mother's doctrine of serving only the strong she has ordained she will serve the strongest, Naruto. So when Yui and her pervy Master Joya, a captured Konoha Nin return Tsunade, in a drunken rage, orders Yui to serve Naruto as his live-in maid, tutor, and servant.

Will it end in disaster as Naruto's kunoichi friends believe, or will she and Naruto share more thn a dream?

M for language, sensual/exual moments, and implied homosexuality (both boy and girl)

**Pairings:** JirayaxOCxTsunade, NarutoxHarem, KibaxHina

**Parts and Storylines**

**Part 1: Whipping Around:** Chapters 1-13

A girl named Noumaki Yui and her Ex-Konoha-ANBU sensei and surrogate mother Nobonachi Joya enter Konoha. The reason? Naruto. They saw each other in their dreams, and made the promise to see each other in real life, if for no other purpose than to have someone. Now, eleven years later, after forgetting the dreams and her Naruto is faced with not only Yui being his servant, but by Tsunade's order to _make_ him let her serve him.

This part details Naruto and Yui's growing relationship and how she turns everything people take for normal on its ear. She's the catalyst in here and she's caused somethings to change for the better, and some to get just plain fuck-nuts. Read to this to understand what's going on in Part 2 and how it all ties together.

**Part 2: Wrapping Around:** Chapters 14-?

* * *

**Chapter 1 **

**Similar Pelts**

She looked at the five faces over looking the peaceful village. She knew he was in there. She had felt it long before she had reached the small hill over looking it. He lived there. She looked around from area to area and tried to divine where he may reside. Thinking it was better to not dwell on it.

Looking for something you didn't know about made your hopeful.

She herself knew what he looked like. When she had drawn a picture for her master, who was standing beside her and making sure their papers were in order, she had nearly choked on her sake. She watched as her master went over hundreds of old scrolls from when she had still been a Konoha Ninja.

"So…you really want to do this? I mean you're giving up a whole lot of freedom," her master said. The girl looked at the much older Kunoichi. She wore a veil over her face, in contrast to her revealing outfit, which showed off her shoulders and thighs. No one who saw her body would realize she was close to sixty. Her golden eyes sparkled.

"Yes…" as they were about to head for the main gates the girl added, "I don't deserve freedom anyway."

Her master sighed and motioned for her to follow.

* * *

Tsunade looked at her paperwork. She groaned when Shizune and Kotetsu brought in two more massive stacks. _Why me…?_ she asked. Shizune smiled with sympathy and took a good portion of the stack to do herself. Kotetsu nodded seeing he wasn't needed as he left. He also thanked his lucky stars he didn't have the skill to be even considered to be Hokage. 

"Tsunade-sama!" a voice called. A young jounin recently assigned to be one of her ANBU guards barged into her office. She looked up, already annoyed.

"What is it?" she snarled. He let out a weak and muffled 'eep' at her blood lust.

"Well…there's a disturbance at the gate. It appears two Mist shinobi are claiming to be Konoha ninja! When we tried to apprehend them one of them ran off and we have yet to find her!"

Tsunade sighed and smacked her forehead. "What happened to the other one?" she asked, exasperated.

"She got felt up by the most annoying little shits since a certain porn author," a strong female voice croaked. Tsunade's eyes opened and she looked up. The woman, veil and revealing gi and all, stood with her hands on her hips behind the ANBU. He made a horrible squeak and got as far away from her as he could.

"Nobonachi Joya?" Tsunade asked quietly.

"I'm glad you remember me Mune-hime (1)!" Joya walked in, but was stopped by two ANBU guards.

"Hokage-sama has not allowed you to enter," they said.

"Well…maybe…" the strikes that hit the two ANBU dead in the face cracked their masks in half. They fell back and she smiled. "You should make sure I'm weaker than you. Ugh these are your guards? Hell your little brother was better than them," she kicked one's head.

"Joya…you're supposed to be dead!"

The kunoichi looked from her kill to Tsunade and laughed. "Yeah well…it's a kind of a long story! But first I have to ask…" she rubbed the back of her head. "where exactly is the boy named, Uzumaki Naruto?"

Tsunade, who was still in slight shock, finally collected her marbles in her bag, "Why? And why did you claim to be a Mist Nin?" she asked.

She put up her hands to show she had no weapons or hard feelings, "Hey! Mune-hime! All in good time! Just answer my question first please."

"He's probably chasing my apprentice. Haruno Sakura a girl with pink hair. Now will you answer _my_ questions? And let me remind you Joya, your answers will determine if I have to kill you."

Joya smiled to so wide her veil rose up to show her chin. "_That's_ the Tsunade-hime I know!"

* * *

The blond in question was strolling, as Tsunade had guessed, after his long time crush. She was chatting happily to Ino while he and Chouji walked behind. Naruto had met Chouji at Ichiraku and the two had had a speed-eating contest, Ichiraku closed early that day. The girls had decided to watch to see if either exploded. 

Naruto was walking with his hands behind his head and was telling Chouji a joke he had heard on a show the other night. The bigger ninja laughed and held his stomach.

"Oi, would you two keep it down?" Ino asked, pouting and scowling at the same time.

"Sure thing Ino-chan!" Naruto said happily.

"When did I give you permission to call me that again foxy?" she asked angrily.

He only smiled wider.

Ino sighed, threw up her hands, and returned to her conversation with Sakura. The two were discussing possible sales they had read about. As Ino was going to suggest a shopping trip an ANBU crashed into the ground at their feet. He leapt up and looked around before jumping back into the sky.

A young woman who was standing on a four-story building knocked him back. Naruto looked at her with a furrowed brow. He didn't attack her because he saw she was standing in a taijutsu defense stance. If he or Chouji tried to attack her they'd end up like the ANBU.

He saw that she was either from the Mist or related to them. Her mask was Mist ANBU issue. However the symbol was absent. Her gi was like her master's, however it was far less revealing, showing the smallest portion of both thigh and shoulder it could. She had thin arm and shin guards on, which matched a breastplate.

Naruto couldn't help but notice she was beautiful. A lock of platinum blonde hair drifted from under her mask, the rest covered by a special hood. Her arms and legs were lean, denoting intense strength or training. From her shoulders and thighs he saw tan skin. Her form was as lean as her arms, but he chocked that up to armor and clothing.

Sakura and Ino, who had gone to check the ANBU for injuries, knocked him out of his trance. "Hey! Naruto attack her with Bunshin or something!"

The ANBU groaned and waved his hand to get attention. "Are you okay? What's happening?" Sakura asked.

"Intruder…mist nin…" he groaned pointing at a very bad bird sculpture. When he saw Naruto he pointed to him. "Don't hurt her. She has papers…authorized…"

Naruto, now very confused, put his hands back on his head, "So why are you attacking her idiot?"

"They wanted to take me to the Hokage's office with my master." Naruto narrowed his eyes at her.

So there are two… 

She continued, "I did not wish to meet Tsunade-sama. I am not here to bow my head to her. I have come for one reason and one reason alone." She bent down and leapt into the air. She landed in a crouch in front of Naruto and then fell to her knees, bowing her head.

Naruto took a step back and raised his eyebrow while looking at her. "Uh…can I help you nee-chan (2)?" Naruto asked.

"No. I am here to help you. Uzumaki Naruto-sama, I have traveled for so long to finally meet you," she said, not lifting her head. "I have come to serve you for the rest of my life."

Naruto blinked. Slowly his face went squint. "Huh?"

Sakura and Ino, equally confused looked from her to each other to her again, "Could you repeat that?" they asked.

"I, Noumaki Yui, have come to serve Uzumaki-sama until the day I die or am no longer of use," she explained. She bowed low again.

Naruto, far too confused to understand fully what she said, merely looked at her. "Uh Naruto," Chouji spoke up, "Why not ask her to get up? The road is kind dirty?" he said nudging his blonde friend.

"Oh yeah…Yui-was it? You can stand now…" Naruto watched as she stood. She held herself with a silent confidence. He looked at Sakura for help. She motioned to her face. "Oh yeah…Yui take off your mask!"

She nodded, "Yes Uzumaki-sama." She took hold of the hood and the mask, which Naruto saw were attached, "Please understand, this is my real face. I have not performed any transformation or alteration technique."

"Fine! Just take it off!" he said, growing impatient, except now he was more interested in what was wrong with her face so that she had to hide it from him.

Or make sure he believed it was hers.

She pulled the hood off and Naruto saw long platinum blonde hair, spikey and unruly. When she took it completely off Naruto noticed it gathered around her face in two long spikes. She blushed and looked up at him. Naruto took a step back. Sakura pointed and started making 'wha, wha, wha' sounds. Chouji fainted.

Ino laughed her ass off.

Noumaki Yui, Mist ANBU, had four whiskers on each cheek. Her skin, while paler than Naruto's, was as unblemished as his own. Her sea blue eyes reflected him like water and matched his own. She looked exactly like him.

"This…ain't…right…" Naruto grunted.

* * *

"And that's what happened," Joya said with a smirk under her veil. Tsunade, who had the damndest look on her face, had removed her hidden sake bottle and her drinking saucer. 

"So…you came here to find Naruto?" she asked. The story was hard to believe, but she saw a picture of the girl. It was hard to believe how much alike they looked as children and were not related at all. Because Joya didn't have a picture of her now Tsunade could only hope she didn't look _exactly_ like Naruto.

That would be _far_ too disturbing.

"Well no…I came here to see my old friends, those still alive, anyway. _Yui_ came for the brat. You see-"

"TSUNADE-BACHAN!" came from the hall along with the sound of stomping feet.

Tsunade slapped her face and pulled out another, larger, sake bottle. "Oh goddammit…"

"TSUNADE-BACHAN!" Naruto exploded the doors outward and flew through the doorway. He landed in a crumbled heap in front of her desk with his rear in the air.

Joya took a moment of her time to examine it with great delicacy. Tsunade did not miss that act. She took the time to drink another saucer of Sake.

Almost immediately Yui appeared and helped Naruto up, she began to brush him off and he pushed her away blushing brightly. "That's enough! I can do it myself!" he said.

"Naruto," Tsunade asked. He looked at her, flinching and expecting an attack. "What is it?" her eyebrow was twitching badly.

"Uh…" he looked around, going squint again. When he saw Yui, smiling with her eyes downcast from him, his face grew into one of surprise. "THAT'S RIGHT! Tsunade-bachan! Why is this Mist-Nin sis that looks like me in a really creepy way saying she's my eternal servant and stuff? This is kinda extreme for a practical joke!"

Tsunade, who threw her saucer over her shoulder, took a large gulp from the bottle directly. "It's no joke Naruto. These two women _are_ from the Mist. That girl _does_ naturally look like you, here," she showed him the picture of Yui, as a preteen. Naruto looked the picture over.

Hell she was even wearing orange.

And we all know a love of that color ain't a coincidence.

"And if she _says_ she wants to be your servant…well _this_," Tsunade said holding up a letter, "says you have to let her."

Naruto snatched it from her hand and opened it. "Dear Uzumaki-san, this letter is to inform you my daughter Yui is coming of age soon…blah, blah…not liked within village…blah, blah…has visions of you in sleep…wait?" Naruto looked those few lines over again.

He looked up from the paper to Tsunade who nodded and then to Joya, who smiled and waved, and then to Yui.

_I don't have any friends. Mama says I can't have any._

"You…you're that girl…the one from my dreams," he said softly. Yui smiled even more.

Tsunade looked at him. She had only seen his look that way a few times in her life. One of them had been at _his_ imprisonment. It wasn't a look of sadness, a look of something deeper.

Yui looked him in the eyes for the first time since she arrived at the office. Her face lit up. The similarity between them seemed to grow exponentially.

"You remember!" she coughed into her hand and resumed her composure. "Yes Uzumaki-sama. I am. I know it has been a very long time since we shared a dream, but I have seen you even if you haven't seen me! I know all about what you have done. After my mother died…" Joya, who had stood put her hand on her student's shoulder.

"Allow me to explain Naruto. She turned and saw that Sakura, Ino and Chouji had followed. "You three scram. This has nothing to do with you."

Ino bristled, but Sakura kept her calm, "I'm the Hokage's apprentice and Naruto's teammate. If something has to do with him and is of an importance to the village then I can at least listen."

Joya walked up to her and looked the younger ninja over, "Riiiight…" she leaned in closer and sniffed. She straightened up and sniffed around Naruto. "Sorry girl, if you were his main squeeze then _maybe_ I'd let you listen. But you're obviously nothing more than baggage. So," she gave them a dismissive 'shoo' gesture, "Git…"

Sakura became furious. First a little hussy bows to Naruto and starts calling him Uzumaki–sama of all things! Then she finds out she is a literal 'dream girl!' and now this old bitch was telling her to fu-

"Sakura! Ino! Chouji! Go. If anything is important Naruto will tell you. So go," Tsunade ordered. They all hesitantly left, Sakura only after Naruto gave her a reassuring smile.

"So yeah…" Joya closed the doors as hard as she could after they left and made a sound barrier seal on them. "Heh he…incase any of them are determined."

"You are still so paranoid…" Tsunade sighed shaking her head.

"After living in a place where the only things keeping you alive was a kid no one liked…sorry Yui-chan…I learned a few new tricks. So where should I begin the little tale that returned the exotic beauty Joya to Konoha with an even more exotic beauty Yui-chan?"

Naruto watched Yui blush. Tsunade, who was already pulling out a new bottle, spoke up, "Begin with why you're alive. The records still count you as Killed in Action. It will give Naruto some background on you."

She clapped her hands and nodded, "Well I wasn't killed obviously. You see Naruto I used to be a special ANBU Medical Class. That means my skills were only surpassed by one of the Sannin…and only because Sensei liked her big titties," Tsunade spurted like a geyser.

"You're still angry about that?" she asked wiping her mouth with her arm.

"What? You two had the same sensei?" Naruto asked. Joya and Tsunade may have nodded, but they nodded very differently. He raised an eyebrow. "But you…look so…"

"Well Naruto…let me show you why I wear this mask." Joya flipped it up.

Naruto screamed like a little girl. He ran under Tsunade's desk and cringed around her legs. Tsunade glared down at him. "She's like a mummy…or, or a zombie…but her body…so…many wrinkles…"

Joya huffed, "Well I just turned fifty-eight…you don't have to be so whiney about it."

_Looks more like she just turned _ninety-_eight._ Naruto thought.

"Naruto…that is a _private _area, emphasis on _private_, I might add," Tsunade said. Naruto quickly scrambled far away from Tsunade's legs, but he stood slightly behind Yui as if she would shield him from her sensei.

"So…what was I saying?" she looked at Tsunade, then eyed her chest, "OH! Yeah. I went on ANBU missions that may need more than basic medical care. Well on one mission a Mist Raiding party hit my squad. We were wiped out in minutes. I was hit hard and went down first. When they were putting the bodies up my mask fell of and someone recognized me. They took me in as a captive. At first I thought they were going to use me as a hostage or use me to study Konoha Jutsu.

"But in truth they needed a medical ninja of my expertise. You see the Mizukage of that time, Sandaime Mizukage, was pregnant. Because of conditions stemming from the baby's father there was a good chance one or the other would die in the delivery. The Mizukage wanted the baby and the village wanted her. So they gave me a choice, save both and live, or die straight out and have my body cut up like a fresh fish for study.

"Considering Yui-chan and I are here today…you see what I chose."

"And you've been missing for the last twenty-one years," added the inebriated Sannin.

"They didn't let me go out on missions Mune-hime! They made me watch over Yui-chan night and day!" she said throwing a thumb in Yui's direction.

"Why? Do you have a medical condition Yui-chan?" Naruto asked.

The young female Nin blushed at the honorific, "No…Uzumaki-sama it is related to the connection we had when we were younger…the reason was my…father…was…is…might be…"

Joya's golden eyes sparkled brightly, "Yui is a Youma Naruto. Do you know what that is?"

"No…what?" he asked.

"Yui is a half demon. Her 'father' was a demon that took human form. He came to the Mist as a freelance ninja and got close to the Mizukage. He slept with her and waited until it was confirmed she was pregnant then showed his true form and left."

Naruto, who had grown very solemn looking, put his hand to his stomach. Joya watched his eyes grow dark. "It isn't him Naruto," Joya added in. He looked at her. "The fourth didn't imprison the demon on its first attack on us Naruto. I fought it once or twice before, the last time was only after it had reached the peak of its power. And if there's one thing I know about him…he _hated_ humans. Never would he go through the trouble of becoming a man and staying in a village so long.

"Believe you me…"

"Okay…if I do…why do you want to be my servant Yui?" Naruto asked turning to her.

She looked at the ground and raised a hand to her chest. "When we were young…and we would share dreams…I felt fulfilled. I felt whole. When I went to sleep one night and did not see you…I felt. I felt so lonely." He watched her eyes and saw she was telling the truth. "Then…four years ago, I dreamt of you again. I was sleeping in a meadow after a training session with mother and I saw you.

"You were standing in front of a waterfall and you cut it…" Naruto blushed, because she saw him. And if he remembered right he was drenched in water and topless when it happened. "Then only a week or so later, I saw you unleash an amazing power. Like a great explosion of energy. In a swirling dome of destruction.

"My mother told me to only bow my head to the strongest. No matter if he was man or woman, if I was stronger than them I was to stand before them. And I am so much weaker than you are Uzumaki-sama."

"After Yai, Yui's mother, died three years ago the village took no time in kicking the two of us out. Yai had made a deathbed request that we be kept alive and let free. So they sent us away. We didn't have anywhere to go, so Yui suggested we search you out.

"We didn't know you were a Konoha-Nin, so we just looked around…and low and behold I hear about Jiraya sneaking about so I drop by his hideout and say hello. He then fills us in about you and what happened. We found him about five months ago, it took us that long to get an authorized document allowing for inter country travel from those damn Mist. Better at paperwork than Suiton Jutsu they are…" she scoffed.

"Uzumaki-sama…I want to serve you because in our dreams I made a promise. And I told myself if you remembered it I would hold up to it…so Uzumaki-sama do you remember?" she asked. He looked into her eyes. They were pleading. He knew she was so lonely. Like he had been with Jiraya.

Their masters were family to them.

But they were both, ultimately, alone.

_You're all alone?_

_Yep._

_No mama or daddy?_

_Yep…they're dead. Or that's what Sandaime-Jiisan said._

_I'm sorry…doesn't it make you sad?_

_Yeah…but I stopped crying a long time ago. I don't need anyone._

…_That's so sad…I don't know what I would do if I didn't have mommy…I promise you!_

_Eh? Promise me what?_

_If we ever meet for real…even if it takes a hundred years…_

He smiled.

"Even if it takes a hundred years…I promise to be there for you. To do whatever it takes to make you happy. And when I asked you why…" he said looking into her eyes which were a match for his own.

"I said…'because you of all people deserve it…'" she said.

Tsunade and Joya looked at each other and smiled then back to the younger ninja. "It's so beautiful isn't it Muni-hime!" Joya said crying in a very exaggerated and fake manner.

"Yui-chan. Thank you. I would be glad to be your friend. But that's all I want. I don't need a servant or even a maid…"

"Yes you do…" Tsunade spoke up. Naruto swung his head to her with a warning glare. "Boy I have been to your house! You have more trash on your damn floor than Konoha has in its dump! Yui…these documents Joya gave me say if I agree you will be transferred to Konoha correct?"

"Uh…Yes Hokage-sama…"

"Well from this day forward you are Konoha-Ninja! And you are now the official escort of Uzumaki Naruto!"

Naruto gaped at her. "What?" he asked, aghast. "You can't do that! I'm not a mission!"

"Oh really?" Tsunade asked. Her eyebrow twitched. The anger left her voice and she smiled. Naruto felt like death stood over him. "Then how does _this _suit you Naruto?" she took out a mission scroll. By the color, an S-Rank. His belly filled with so much fear he wouldn't eat for days. She scribbled on it before holding it up. "SHIZUNE!"

The young medic Nin ran inside, as she had also been asked to wait for entrance orders, and took it. Tsunade saw Ino and Sakura poke their heads in, but at this point she didn't really care. "READ WOMAN!"

"AI YES!" she cleared her throat, "Noumaki Yui, to prove your loyalty to Konoha you must complete this mission. Form this moment on you shall live with Uzumaki Naruto." Ino and Sakura looked as bad as Naruto, who was slowly sinking, "You are to, as per the parameters of the mission, help him clean, cook meals that do not consist entirely of anything from a Styrofoam cup or Ichiraku ramen bar. You will also be his training partner and instructor."

"OKAY! Wait! Hold up! PAUSE FILM!" Naruto groaned crossing his arms in front of his chest. "What can she instruct me on?"

"Besides manners?" Tsunade asked raising her twitching eyebrow. "She can also teach you much needed control of your _chakra_," Tsunade said hinting at something other than his normal energy, "and Suiton Jutsu so you aren't bugging Kakashi all the time. Her letters of recommendation state she has control skills on par if not surpassing her master.

"And _that_ is what she can teach you brat…now…BE QUIET!" Tsunade screamed. Naruto whimpered and hid behind Yui.

"To pay for all the above mentioned actions a monthly stipend increase of 5,000 ryou a month." Naruto's head looked up. "Yes Naruto your normal stipend will now be 12,000 ryou. And finally the two of you shall occupy a larger apartment. Naruto you've been approved for better housing."

Naruto's eye twitched. He glared at Tsunade. _Damn you…if this wasn't awkward enough…old bat. The second I have your hat you're going into a retirement home/AA meeting in the Land of Really Fucking Far Away._ Naruto snarled mentally.

"You can't be serious Tsunade-sama?" Sakura said walking in. Naruto teared up as Sakura came to his aid. "Naruto can barely take care of himself and you expect him to watch out for a live-in servant as well?"

_Okay…maybe not aiding so much…_

"Why not?" Tsunade asked. "The Hyuuga have live-in servants. They even have the gall to call them family. I'm just fulfilling what this girl wants and showing Naruto he has to take responsibility for his past." She threw her hands up in a 'there you are' gesture.

"She _made the promise_!" he hissed at her, leaning over her desk.

"If it does not please Uzumaki-sama I shall not live with him," Yui said at once. Naruto on all fours on Tsunade's desk, and Tsunade, now on the sober end of being very drunk blinked at her.

"You're refusing a mission order?" asked the drunk Kunoichi. Naruto decided he should get out of punch and drop kick range.

Yui shook her head, "No Hokage-sama. That mission's parameters are what I had wished to do, and the money and apartment would be helpful to him, but you said to prove my loyalty to _Konoha. _Forgive me for this, but I am loyal to Uzumaki-sama alone. If he tells me to be loyal to you then I will. If he tells me to kill you,

"I will."

"You little…"

"Wait a minute here Tsunade…" Joya spoke up calming her friend. "Naruto, why not have Yui-chan live with you for a few days and see if having her around would be that bad. If it isn't, and she actually helps you out, let her take the mission. If it is that bad then she can just be a teacher and training partner."

"Would that be better Uzumaki-sama?" Yui asked.

The sound of breaking porcelain alerted them to Tsunade, who had just crushed what had to be her third or fourth bottle of the conversation. "Well…why doesn't anyone…ASK THE GOD DAMNED HOKAGE'S OPINION?!" she screamed as she shattered one of the bottles on her desk.

"Uh yeah…let's do that thing with the time and the trial and the…stuff…so then let's get settled!" Naruto grabbed Yui's arm and ran away as fast as he could. As Tsunade threw a large, and empty, sake jug after him Joya stood up and followed. Her laughing was kin to a witch's cackle.

"Good to see you again Mune-hime!" she said waving before walking out.

Tsunade panted as she watched the two most irksome things in her life, at the moment anyway, leave. Her gaze went to Ino and Sakura. The two froze up. "**_Scram…_**" she rumbled.

Ninja masters _wished_ they could disappear like that.

* * *

Naruto panted as he stopped a few meters away from the village border wall. Yui was breathing heavily, but not as bad as he was. "Uzumaki-sama you need better stamina…" 

Naruto grunted at her, "I have great stamina…it's just…when Tsunade-bachan is like that…she scares it _and_ the shit out of me," he whispered as if hearing her name would bring her around.

"Yui-chan!" they heard. Joya jogged up, two large bags over her shoulders. "Here I got your things. also…" she smiled slyly as she held up a very ratty looking doll. Naruto looked at it. Yui squeaked and yanked it out of her master's hands and cradled it to her front.

"What…is that old thing?" he asked.

Yui blushed, but Joya was more than happy to speak up, "That 'old thing' is Ko-chan (3). It was a gift from Yui's mother. She got it after you two stopped dreaming about each other. Yui needs it to sleep." Yui gave her master an embarrassed glare.

Naruto smiled. "That's good," he said as he picked up Yui's bags.

"Why good Naru-chan?" Joya asked.

Naruto winced at the nickname, but let it slide. It was better than 'Muni-hime' in any case. "Because it makes you human." He turned from them and motioned to follow.

Yui, her face crimson, followed with Joya taking up the rear. They entered Naruto's apartment building and made their way up to the top floor. When they got there he set her bag down and opened the door. By this time the sun had begun to set and he had to turn the lights on.

"This is my home…" he said, a hint of sadness and maybe embarrassment in his voice.

Yui looked around saw pictures on the walls of Ninja she had seen in the village. She walked in, Ko-chan tight in her arms, and looked on awe filled at the apartment. Joya put her student's other bag down next to the one Naruto had carried and patted the young shinobi on the shoulder.

"Well, I'll be staying with Tsunade," she leaned in and whispered in Naruto's ear. He shuddered when she ran her fingers over his whiskers. "She likes it when you touch her there too." Naruto stood still as a statue until he felt her chakra presence was too far out of his range.

"Forgive her. She is a bit eccentric," Yui said, Ko-chan still in her arms.

"I know a few women like her so I'm used to it," he rubbed his cheek where Anko had cut it and licked it years ago. He shook again. She was looking at him he realized. He closed the door, without turning his back to her, and gulped.

"So…" he said rubbing the back of his head. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes Uzumaki-sama," she replied.

Naruto sighed, "You don't have to call me that. If you have to call me anything call me Naruto-kun. I don't mind that. I'm really not used to someone calling me lord…"

"But don't you wish to be Hokage?" she asked.

"Well yeah…"

"Then you should get used to it. Uzumaki-sa…Naruto-kun, I can see now that you are a good enough ninja to be Hokage."

He looked at her and smiled. Naruto couldn't remember the last time he had smiled so much. "Well…uh I only have instant ramen so…what flavor do you prefer?" he asked moving past her.

"Naruto-kun," she called. He stopped at the entrance to his kitchen, turned, and looked at her. He put a hand on the lintel of the door-less entrance.

"Yes Yui-chan?" he asked. Her eyes were downcast again. She wasn't even looking at his feet, but moving her eyes so he was always out of her view.

"Why haven't you asked me about being a Youma?"

Naruto lowered his eyes. He gripped the lintel tightly. "Because…this is hard to say…I mean I barely know you…but…it's the same with me," She raised her eyes as he did and they locked onto each other. "When I felt I was able to trust my friends enough I told them about…_him_…" he said rubbing his stomach, "if you feel you can trust me I'll listen. But I want to know you first Yui…not some label people have put on you.

"Because Youma sounds as bad as Jinchuuriki." She blushed again. He laughed and turned from her. "If you keep blushing like that you'll make me think I can't talk around you! So what flavor do you want Yui-chan?" he asked as he walked to his cupboard.

"Miso if you have it. It's my favorite," she called as she sat down on his couch. Naruto stopped as he reached for his own Miso cup. He looked at it and smiled a little.

"Coming right up!" he called back.

Within three minutes he handed her a tray with a bowl and two clean metal chopsticks. He sat down next to her and smiled at her. The tense and awkward scene Naruto had predicted wasn't there. For some reason it didn't seem weird or odd that she was sitting next to him slurping noodles away with him.

Even her ratty doll seemed to belong.

When they had finished both were tired. Naruto more from running away from Tsunade and Yui was tired because she had knocked out four or five ANBU. Naruto took her things into his room and when she saw him taking a few things out she gasped.

"Uzumaki-sama are you-"

"Naruto-kun…and yes I'm letting you sleep in my bed. Why?"

She blushed, "Well I don't want to impose on you. I can sleep on your couch. It was comfortable-ooh!" she gasped as he scooped her up and deposited her very unceremoniously onto his bed.

"Here! Take it! Sleep well. I'm going to head to bed. Er couch, now. The bathroom is right across the hall if you want to shower. G'night Yui-chan." And he was gone.

She blinked. Yui waited until she heard the strained sound of springs before she took a good look around the room with all her senses. Part of her warned her about it, but she had dreamed of this day most of her life.

She close her eyes and sat on her knees. She arched her back and let her ears and nose take over.

The most notable smell was Ramen. Miso. Chicken. Beef. Pork. It made her stomach swell with the enjoyment of it. But then she smelled the wood. It was so old. It smelled bad with age, some with rot, the smell was old, and it had been treated. She smelled new metal nails, blood from cuts and splinters, and sweat from hard work to repair.

She put her hands on the bed spread under her. Grey-blue blankets to match the bedroom's coloring. They felt soft. Numerous washings had contributed to it.

Finally she saw the dresser with many, many pictures. She saw his team. The pink haired girl. "Sakura," she whispered. She saw a raven-haired boy. She did not like how he looked. And finally behind them, smiling, was Copy-Ninja Hatake Kakashi. Yui felt a slight twinge.

_Our greatest Konoha enemy. He knows more of our jutsu than the average senior ninja. His power is not to be underestimated._

She had left the world of the Mist behind her. No more lust for battle and blood to the deranged extent they desired. She was so happy for it. She wondered if Naruto liked battle as much as she did.

And yet at the same time, detested the blood.

She moved past the picture. She saw the same ninja repeated over and over. A man with a high ponytail, scars on his face, and his obvious son were watching Naruto grimace at a Shougi board against a massive white dog. A wild looking boy was laughing so hard he had fallen over.

In another picture Naruto had his arms around the waists of two girls who were hanging off of him smiling. One a lavender haired princess with silver eyes, who looked about to faint, the other was a deeply oriental looking young woman with a bun hairstyle smiling evilly. The girls were wearing slit dresses both exposing one long leg while Naruto wore a silk dress shirt and pants.

The picture, obviously a pose, also possessed a young man with a bowl haircut in a taijutsu stance, it was a fake, horrible to even look at. He was on the side with the bun girl. On the side with princess was a young man, her brother or relative, in the same stance. Yui giggled when she saw how embarrassed the young man was.

A final picture showed Naruto and the young woman who Yui knew to be called 'Ino' jumping up around the bulky young man, who was holding a big trophy. She saw a banner that read, "noha Gourmet Cook-O." The dish in front of them was a beautiful cake decorated with edible flowers.

The very last picture was of the same people in the first. Naruto was holding up a mug of beer while the raven haired boy did the same, both had their backs to the camera and were looking back with equally smug looks on their faces. Sakura was between them and clinking hers to theirs. Kakashi was off to the side with a young man in a coat whose face was covered up.

Yui heard snoring and realized she had been gazing at the pictures for what had to be thirty minutes. She took her eyes away from the pictures, of which she had none similar, and sat on the bed. She was afraid to pull the covers back, almost too scared to even sleep on the mattress itself. But when she saw the pictures again, Naruto smiling in them, she realized her fear was foolish.

She got back up and pulled the covers back and slid in. Before she turned out the light she pulled Ko-chan to her and snuggled up to sleep.

Even after what had to be at least a day of him out of it…

His bed was so warm.

* * *

"Damn brats…" Tsunade sighed as she opened her medicine cabinet and took out her special 'night before' pills. She knew something akin to a hurricane and earthquake combined was going to be in her head in the morning if she didn't take these. She dry swallowed them and went to her bedroom. She went to flip the light on and then headed to her walk in closet. 

The only good thing about having the house after an old man was there was lots of closet space for clothes. She stripped down to her underwear, looked at the frilly lace, and decided to strip entirely. As she bent over to pull down her panties she heard a whistle.

"Now _that_ is a view to kill for," Joya's voice chimed.

Tsunade stood there, one foot up, her rear and her _private area_ exposed for the world's biggest female pervert to see. "I hate my life…"

"I _love_ your ass," Joya retorted.

That did it.

Tsunade whirled around, grabbed Joya's collar, and slammed her up against the far wall making the lamp she had just turned on clatter to the floor. "Why the _fuck_ are you in my house?!" she roared.

Joya decided the 'staring at your beautiful body' would _not_ be the best answer in this situation. "I needed a place to sleep and I couldn't get a hotel room! So I," she sniffed pathetically, "thought my old rival would allow me the privilege of staying in her home for a few nights…but if you hate me so much I'll…I'll go."

Tsunade grunted and let her go. She walked back to her closet and closed the doors firmly. "FINE! Why the hell not! Let the shit storm from two decades ago start up again! Just don't do anything!"

"What would I do?" Joya called innocently.

Tsunade's head appeared from her closet, "You _know_ what you do…" she hissed and closed it again. Tsunade sighed.

Joya smiled widely and threw her gi off. she reached into her bags, which she had hidden under Tsunade's very large canopy bed, and pulled out a wife beater. She normally wore nothing to bed but she would spare Tsunade that horror for one night.

_One_ night.

Tsunade came out, and saw not only bags under _her_ bed, but also Joya under _her covers._ "Joya…what the _hell_ are you doing?"

Joya looked up from where she was obviously very comfortable. "_Trying_ to got to sleep. And you call Naruto-chan rude…waking someone up honestly…" she turned over and snuggled back into her half of the bed.

Tsunade made a sound of pure frustration. She ripped the covers back and forced herself under. "GOOD NIGHT!" she screamed before turning the lights off.

"Good night…mmmm these pillows are soft…" Joya whispered. "and warm…and smell nice…and are powdered…"

"Joya…stop it…"

"Fine. You take all the fun out of sleepovers you know? Just like when we were kids." Tsunade felt the weight leave her chest. Joya moved away from her. Tsunade rolled onto her side and tried to sleep. Then a question popped into her mind. She turned her head to look at the form of Joya behind her.

"Does…she. Does Yui have one too?"

"Yep. Just like him. Same place I'd imagine." Joya said. Tsunade nodded and drifted off. when Joya was sure she was asleep she turned over and cuddled up to her, her hands on Tsunade's back. "Sleep well Tsunade-hime."

* * *

A/N: So yes...the stroy will be..._odd_. For those of you who are...peverted, you'll enjoy this one. 

2/21/07: changed because I got a word wrong. It was Mun_e _not Mun_i_. Thanks to shiranai.

MountwainWind blowing away...

Dictionary:

1 (Mune-Hime): literally translated it means Breast Princess

2 (nee-chan): when Naruto uses it in this context it means the same as 'chick'

3 (Ko-chan): Ko is the Kanji for fox, it's a little fox doll.


	2. Retainers and Private Areas

A/N: I'm glad you all like it, but again please give me reviews of writing.

Shiranai: thanks for the Input. While I can't change chapter one just yet, I _did_ change it to Mune-Hime this chapter. And to put your mind at ease I always have Narutorefer to Sasuke as '-chan,' so I'll be sure to use '-teme' properly.

I have a quick warning: I'll be doing a bit of bashing on Sakura and Ino in later chapters, while it doesn't happen in this one, I thought it would be best to warn you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

**Chapter 2 **

**Retainers and Private Areas**

Shizune chirped happily as she looked at the freshest eggs and milk in the grocery store. She had woken up early to get these for Tsunade. She knew her master had drunk a lot last night, even more than her 55th birthday, and she would have a bad hangover, even with her pills. So Shizune had a sure fire cure.

She would make Tsunade a big breakfast of all her favorites.

The last time her master had been so happy.

Shizune had finished buying the goods and had made her way to the front door of Tsunade's house over looking the village. On her way there she saw Yui looking over some peppers and unions as well as a few other things. Shizune smiled, she saw that the girl was making sure everything was perfect. The look she had on her face was almost the same Naruto had when he snuck peaks at the mission scrolls in Tsunade's desk.

If the two of them were able to get along Shizune would be so happy.

But now that she looked at her, the similarities between the two of them were few. Naruto had broad shoulders and defined masculine form and face. Yui's smooth face and delicate features only complimented her full female form.

Naruto was definitely a man, Yui definitely a woman.

When Shizune reached her master's home she put the grocery bags over one arm and held them in the crook of her elbow while she pulled out her key and opened the door. It was just about six am when she began to cook the eggs, sausage, and pancakes for Tsunade. At six forty she piled it all on a tray and headed up to her masters room.

She smiled to herself as she opened the door slowly and peaked in. She saw Tsunade sprawled out on her bed. She took a deep breath, mostly to hide the little bit of butterflies that had filled her stomach, and pushed the door open with her elbow.

"Good morning Tsunade-sam…"

Joya was draped over Tsunade, her head on Tsunade's belly. The Hokage in question had not put any more underwear on and was snoring peacefully. The only thing keeping her private area from complete view was a combination of the nightie and Joya's arm, which was wrapped around her leg.

Poor Shizune saw several things that _did_ _not_ agree with her mental state.

1. Her master was in a very skimpy nightie that in the night had come down revealing one of her breasts.

2. She was in bed with another woman.

3. The other woman was _all over_ Tsunade's private areas (1).

Shizune did the only thing in her decades of serving Tsunade have taught her to do.

She screamed.

Very loud.

"OH MY KAAAAAMIII-SAMAAAA!" she screeched, amazingly she did not drop the breakfast.

Tsunade sat up so fast what ever the nightie was supposed to hold back flew free like two large melon shaped bats out of hell. Joya sat up a second after her and was immediately slammed back into Tsunade's private area.

"Oh god!" groaned the masked kunoichi. She took the time to get away from Tsunade's dangerous breasts and sat up. She rubbed her heard. "Those things, by the laws of age, malleability, and physics should not be that firm…"

"Shizune what is it? Why are you so loud?" Tsunade demanded. When she saw her assistant's eyes she looked at Joya, who had just realized what reaction Tsunade's sudden rise had caused. The dribble of blood running from under Joya's mask told Tsunade everything she needed to know. Her face flushed crimson. She ran into the closet and slammed the doors.

"That is a whoooole lot of woman…" Joya whistled.

"I HATE MY LIFE!"

"I love your-"

"SAY IT AND YOU DIE!"

Joya pouted until she smelled the food. She remembered Shizune who was stone still. She looked like she had been hit with the ANBU Paralysis jutsu. The older of the two ninja stood up and took two pancakes, dribbled eggs on them, put a sausage in the middle, and rolled it all up before eating it.

"You okay girl?" Joya asked, her mouth full. She waved her hand in front of Shizune's face.

Now, dear, mentally disturbed Shizune had a myriad of thoughts running through her head.

Let's take a look!

_Oh my god my master is sleeping with another woman! I wondered why she never gave into Jiraya-sama's advances! She always did take an unnatural interest in Sakura! I _knew_ I saw them kissing after practice one day! OH MY GOD MY MASTER IS A LESBIAN! _

_Calm down Shizune. Even if Tsunade-sama _is _somehow a lover of the finer sex it's all right. She can do what she wants. If she wanted she could also make gay marriage legal again. Now that I think about…I'm _sure_ that Tsunade-sama and Anko-san were having very frequent private meetings. And the fact Anko always left much happier than she came could mean they had sex, or it could mean they talked…_

_Knowing Anko they had sex…hot…S&M sex…that would be kind of…oh my god…_

_AM _I_ A LESBIAN?!_

Okay, that's enough of _that_.

"Hey! Mune-hime! I think you broke your apprentice or whatever she is!"

"What do you mean broke?" Tsunade asked. The Hokage cursed as she tried to find the strongest most unrevealing bra and underwear set she had. Unfortunately for her that was a black bra with only _70_ percent lace. She cursed her love of exotic lingerie under her breath.

Joya looked at where she had placed her hand on Shizune's body and then at the closet doors. "Well I've been massaging her tight ass for the last five minutes and she just looks off into space."

A crash and the sound of plywood shattering came to Joya's trained ears. "YOU'VE BEEN _WHAT?!_"

"NO ANKO-SAN NOT THE WHIPS!" Shizune suddenly screamed. Joya quickly threw her hands up and made sure she was outside of instant attack range incase Shizune _had_ come out of it because of her foreplay.

Tsunade came out of her closet with her eyebrow arched. Joya gave her old friend points for looking so calm and composed. She made it her goal for the day to make this morning the most relaxing moment of her day.

"Shizune…what you do in your free time, with Anko of all people," she muttered that last bit under her breath, "is none of my concern, but please don't go screaming parts of it out. People will talk!"

"At least she doesn't walk around begging for a cold," Joya whispered.

Tsunade's eyes flashed with anger, "Did you say something?"

"Me?"

* * *

Naruto's eyes fluttered open. He smelled something. It smelled gooood. He sat up slowly and found he had a blanket on him. Looking at the ground revealed the one had had, had fallen off in the night. The fact Ko-chan was staring at him with his black glass eyes told the rest. 

It was like the doll could talk. _Yep Naruto. She woke up early and decided to make you breakfast. When she came out here she saw you didn't have a blanket and she gave you one. She left me here to keep an eye out. But I knew a strong kid like you would be fine. So go on kid say good morning._

Naruto smirked. He sat up, moving Ko-chan to the couch and wrapping him in the blankets. _Thanks Naruto, not as cold as the Mist but cold enough in the Leaf eh?_

"Morning Yui-chan!" Naruto tried to say. He had planned to leap in and land in his chair, but when he saw her at the window he stopped and his words died. She was looking into the skillet, frying some rice. He saw the eggs mixed in and could smell the peppers. He knew he had eggs and rice, but he didn't know he had peppers.

_She also went shopping Naruto,_ Ko-chan added in.

Naruto smiled as he watched her. She had put on one of his aprons; of which he had about fifty because of the wear and tear he put on them. She was wearing a pair of shorts that went to about mid thigh. Her top was a T-shirt he recognized from his dresser. Her hair was put up in a pigtail that hung off the top part of her head.

He remembered what he first thought about her…

She was beautiful.

"It will be ready in a few minutes Naruto-kun," she said turning to him and smiling. He nodded and sat down at his table. Yui served him his food and poured her a plate herself. When they sat down the two called out happily and dug in.

Naruto took a taste of it and moaned as if he had just gotten his ears scratched. "This is so good Yui-chan! I wish I could make rice this good!"

"It's a recipe my mother made for me when I was young. I loved it. And when I saw you also liked Miso ramen…" she smirked. Naruto looked at her with his eyebrows raised. "You have over fifty cup ramen. The majority is Miso."

Naruto nodded. Finding yet another thing they had in common didn't even faze him. Like her being there, it felt natural. "What do you want to do today Yui-chan?" he asked.

"Clean," she said almost at once.

Naruto gaped at her. "But…I thought we may-"

"Clean," she said forcefully. "Naruto-kun. Think of it this way, if you do allow me to take the mission to be your servant we will need to move. And the landlord, with or without the Hokage's consent, will not allow us to leave while things are like this," she said motioning to the empty Ramen cups and the myriad of different kinds of trash.

He didn't like it, but he nodded. She was right. The last time he cleaned was for a party that had lasted nearly seven hours causing a much bigger mess, which he didn't both cleaning up. Naruto still found party hats among some of the other piles of junk.

"Fine. But we'll need some stuff…I don't know if soap and wood polish expires, so…" he trailed off. Yui nodded.

When they finished she went back to Naruto's bedroom and pulled out a pen and a scroll. She called him in and he sat down in a chair backwards. "All right. We will need a new box," she looked back into the living room where Ko-chan was staring straight ahead. "A _few_ new boxes of trash bags. Some wood polish. Paper towels, liquid cleaner…do you have tile cleaner?" Naruto dashed to his bathroom and looked under the sink. When he came back he shook his head. She sighed. "Tile cleaner, glass cleaner. Since we're buying so much we should also buy normal food." She blushed and looked away from him, "How long will it take for you to decide whether you wish to stay with me?" she asked. He raised an eyebrow; "It would be better if we only got what we needed for those days so nothing gets messed up if we do move…"

"I've already decided Yui-chan," Naruto smirked. She whipped her head up at him. The smile on her face was ten times as beautiful as the rest of her. "We'll go and get the stuff and bring it here, eat lunch then head out and tell Tsunade-bachan you're going to be my…" he looked at her and tried to think of a better word.

"Your retainer."

"eh?"

"Retainer. Daimyos have samurai and ninja warriors who are not only their guardians but also their friends, advisors and servants. I will gladly be your retainer Naruto-kun…but may I please show you the proper respect?" she asked.

"Proper respect meaning?"

"Uzumaki-sama."

"No…Naruto-kun."

"Naruto-sama?" she asked. He blinked at her. He knew that look on her face. It showed she had made up her mind. He laughed and nodded. She smiled and stood up. "Very well! Now let me get dressed." Naruto nodded. He realized too late she had taken off the shirt she borrowed. He grabbed his nose and turned away. "What's wrong Naruto-sama?"

"Y-You're changing in front of me!" he gasped trying to keep his blood in.

"Yes. You've seen naked women before correct? I saw the magazines under your mattress this morning. I am just another woman." She was very close.

"That-that's…It's different! We're going to be living together!"

"Yes. And?" she asked.

Naruto looked at her to show how amazed and distraught he was then realized his mistake and turned back quickly. _Oh my god…they're so big…NO! BAD NARUTO! No looking at Yui-chan's breasts! Or butt! Or…DAMMIT!_

"Please understand me Naruto-sama. I will give everything to you at a moments notice. And that includes my body. I do not understand why you are so hesitant to look at me. Am I that unattractive to you?"

He grumbled and stood up straight. "Of-of course not Yui-chan. It's…it's just not…it doesn't feel right! I don't want to be like Ero-Sannin!"

Yui smiled and bit her lip. She took hold of him and turned his body. He groaned and covered his eyes. She held them. "If you were like Jiraya-sama you would have _helped_ me take my shirt off." He blushed and nodded her point. "Please look. I do not wish to hold any secrets from you."

"I don't want to keep any secrets from you, but this is different! I mean there could be a time when something happens and we can't control ourselves! It would be too weird to see you like that! I can live fine without knowing about your private areas!"

"This _is_ a secret. Some women believe the biggest. Some believe it is the smallest, in any case I want to share it and all my others with you. So look."

Naruto sighed her voice was forceful, she wasn't going to let him out of this room until he saw her in her birthday suit. He closed his eyes and let his hands drop. When he opened them she stood before him, bare. She had a slight blush on her face with her hands clasped behind her plump rear. Naruto looked at her from the spikey hair that jutted from the crown of her head, to her lightly painted toes.

He noticed her breasts right away, he _has_ been living under Tsunade for the last six years after all. At first his mind screamed at him for being like his sensei, before he realized he was admiring the healthy change in her shape. When he had first seen her she was akin to Sakura's body type, very thin in the athletic sense. He understood some of girls he knew did breast binding (when in truth all of the kunoichi he knew did it except for Sakura) but he had never seen the drastic effect it had.

The wide curve of her thighs made him wonder if she bound that area as well. In fact it made him think how an obviously well trained ninja could have such an area of her body like that. The answer came as he thought of Chouji's cousin. She was a big girl, not fat just big, and she trained frequently and she was still like that. It was because of her genes.

The thought of Yui's mother in her prime filled his head.

He gulped and turned away from her has his eyes lingered to the small fuzz at where her thighs met her body. From the round shape it reminded him of a newborn chick's first feathers, yellow and fuzzy. Movement caught his eye and he watched her lift her arms to show bare under arms. He gulped again as he saw her muscles contract and bend.

Naruto was amazed at her body. She was almost exactly like Naru-chan (2). But he didn't feel any sexual frustration or discomfort. In fact he felt at peace seeing her as she was. "You're beautiful Yui-chan." She smiled and lowered her arms. She spread her legs allowing Naruto to see a little peak of hair, put her hand on her hip and pointed at him. "What? What is it?"

"Your turn Naruto-sama."

Naruto blinked and went squint (3).

"WHAT?!"

She couldn't help but smile evilly and giggle, "Let me see _your_ private area."

* * *

Naruto was so embarrassed when they left he wouldn't even let Yui carry the small sponges she bought. He wanted a very _thick_ and very_ opaque_ wall between her and his crotch. It wasn't the fact she had _seen_ him naked, it was how she reacted. Naruto had always been very shy about himself, especially when he was younger and had the horrible combination of a skinny body and baby fat face. 

The fact Yui had not stopped glancing toward him made him nervous.

Yui herself was going over size estimations. _The male sexual organ increases in length an average of one fourth to one half of its un-aroused state's length during arousal. So if Naruto-sama is…_

The squeaking sound that Yui kept making while she did calculation motions in the air didn't ebb the flow of Naruto's fear. It was almost as bad when Tsunade had examined him after a long battle. She had made him strip to his underwear and finally made him take his boxers off

When she did she looked at it for a full five minutes before pulling a sake bottle from her coat sleeve and took a long drink straight from the bottle itself.

_Maybe there's something wrong with me. I knew the Kyuubi made me weird down there…I mean Kiba and Neji didn't speak to me for a week after they saw it at the spa that one time. God I'm more of a freak than I thought._

"Naruto-sama. We've gotten everything," he heard Yui say.

"Huh? Oh good. Hey why are we at the bank?" he asked looking at her.

"I want to transfer my money into your account." He went squint. She laughed, "If we're going to live together it is only right we pay for things equally. Besides I don't have much."

Naruto looked at her around a bag of vegetables. "Keep some for yourself Yui-chan. I never keep all my money in one place. Ero-Sannin always tries to get it for whores and booze and gambling."

She nodded, "Yes Joya–sensei nearly went to the Hidden Stone when he left us with a twenty thousand ryou bill at his hotel. He is a good ninja isn't he?"

"He's a good pervert, a good idiot, and _maybe_ a good ninja," Naruto scoffed as they walked in. The guard looked from Naruto to Yui. He wiped his eyes then did it again.

"You have a sister?" he asked.

Naruto, who didn't really like the guard since the time he had thrown Naruto out for accidentally wasting all the ink in one pen, grabbed Yui around the waist and made a very lewd movement of his hand. "Yeah my long lost sister." He walked by the gaping guard.

Naruto set the things down beside the cart he had brought for the bigger things and went to sign a transfer document. "Oh hey Naruto," he looked up and saw Tenten. "Is this who I think it is?" she asked walking up to him. She looked at Yui who glanced at Naruto.

"So Sakura-chan and Ino spread the word fast huh?" he laughed ad rubbed the back of his head. Tenten nodded. "Yui-chan this is an old friend of mine Tenten, Tenten this is Yui-chan she's my…uh what was it?"

"I'm Naruto-sama's retainer. It is a pleasure to meet the Weapons mistress of Konoha," she took Tenten's hand and bowed. Tenten smiled and did the same.

"She looks so much like you Naruto…no wait…she doesn't…" Tenten looked her over. She saw exactly what Shizune saw. Naruto was very masculine while Yui was very feminine. Naruto towered over Tenten, by at least three inches, and Yui only just met her height. "So why are you here?"

"I am transferring my money into Naruto-sama's account. By the order of Hokage-sama we are to live together as master and servant." Tenten saw Naruto wince at the words 'master and servant.'

"I'm jealous!" she said laughing. "Well I'd better get going I just came to drop off something for Lee. I swear if the boy had as much brains as he did eyebrows this world would be a better place."

"Yeah but would it be as youthful?" Naruto asked. The two kept their faces straight for a few seconds before laughing hard. Yui smiled, sadly, because she did not know the joke.

"That is a good one. Yui-chan I hope to see you around the village. Maybe we can train sometime. If you're as strong as you look I could finally get a work out!" she turned and waved as she left.

Naruto and Yui went back to their work, neither of them thinking about who Tenten was jealous of.

* * *

Naruto was expecting Tsunade to be happy he and Yui would take the mission. They had returned home and organized the cleaning and foodstuffs before heading out to the Hokage Tower and to get some dango. When he heard her yelling and the sound of breaking glass he wondered if they would wait until she was piss herself drunk. 

"YOU _DID NOT_ JUST TOUCH ME THERE!" he heard Tsunade scream. "THAT IS A _PRIVATE AREA!_"

"YOU SAY THAT NOW!" he heard Joya retort. A sound of pure rage echoed through the building. Yui grabbed Naruto's arm and pulled him away from the doors as a small desk was thrown through them.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Tsunade bellowed.

Joya dashed out of the room, waving to Naruto and Yui before a rampaging Tsunade followed after her. She screamed as she reached out making neck-wrenching motions.

"Hello Naruto-kun, Yui-san," Shizune said appearing from the doors. A large bruise was forming on her face and she was treating it with her own hand. She saw Naruto's shocked face. "Oh! Never mind this I'll have it healed in a minute or two."

"Yeah…what happened Shizune-neechan?" Naruto asked looking at the divots made by Tsunade's feet.

Shizune sighed, "You see Joya-san decided it would be amusing to bring up somewhat awkward moments in Tsunade-sama's youth…then she proceeded to molest Tsunade-sama…also Tsunade-sama has been drinking since seven this morning."

"Oh…yeah that will do it. Uh…we came to accept the mission?" asked Naruto, who was so freaked out of his mind he could barely understand what Shizune had just said.

"That's good. We can do the paperwork here. Tsunade-sama instructed me to find you both a suitable apartment for your needs. I have a few here." By now her bruise was healed and she was calmer.

She revealed the different apartments and Naruto looked at them. They were good ones. Some were very large with a full bath and kitchen with an island. He actually saw a house of two. It was amazing they had houses this cheap in Konoha. He guessed when the Hokage ordered something Konoha would get it done. But he noticed something in all of them.

"Shizune-neechan?" he asked.

"Yes Naruto-kun?"

"Why do all of these only have one bedroom?"

"Ah…yes…well it appears Tsunade-sama was _very_ drunk when she wrote the kinds of homes you two could have. I'm sorry to say no other multi bedrooms are available at this time. Maybe in a few weeks?" she asked smiling apologetically.

"This is fine. Naruto-sama I do not mind sleeping on a futon," Yui said.

"Ah Yui-chan…I can't let you do that!" he said as he looked at her.

Shizune had an idea, "Why don't you two share a room? I'm sure you could get two beds into…" she looked through them, "this one here. And if not a large bed with enough room for both of you."

Naruto looked from Shizune to Yui. The two blondes seemed to have a conversation in the minute they regarded each other. "Is that okay with you?"

"Only if it is with you Naruto-sama." Naruto moaned and ran his fingers through his hair. "what's wrong?" she asked.

"Well it's hard making decisions for another person…especially…"

She put a hand on his back and smiled serenely, "Naruto-sama remember the ramen?" He looked at her and let his arms rest on his legs and his hands dangle between his knees. He smiled.

"Yeah…we'll take it Shizune-neechan."

She chirped happily and clapped her hands. "Then both of you please sign here. Put the account number for your bank here. Your Shinobi authentication numbers here, Yui-chan yours is the same as the Mist. Yui-chan, you'll be inducted officially into the Konoha ranks in a matter of days." She waited until they had finished before adding her own signature and checking a few of the forms. "That's good as soon as-"

"Mune-hime why can't you see I love you!" Joya ran past with Tsunade hot on her heels.

"BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL YOU!"

The three occupants of her office winced as an explosion rocked the hallway. Joya ran the other way, her clothes singed. Tsunade was again right after her, small fires in her hair and her make up smeared.

"As soon as Tsunade-sama gives her official seal you'll be able to move in. that…" she checked again. "Is all. I'm glad I met you Yui-chan, and your beautiful thighs…" she mumbled.

"What was that Shizune-neechan?" Naruto asked.

"HUH! Nothing! NOTHING AT ALL!" she screamed. When Tsunade and Joya went by again Shizune ordained _now_ would be a good time to follow them.

"We may want to take the window…"

"I agree Naruto-sama…"

* * *

Sakura looked at Tenten like she was insane. "He said so?" 

"Yep! I guess he decided to let her take the mission. One night huh? It seems she was very _influential_."

The five young kunoichi, all three Rookie 9 girls plus Tenten and Temari, were sitting around a small table in a dango shop. Tenten had described the events at the bank. When she mentioned not only the acceptance of the deal, but how Naruto annoyed the guard she watched Sakura and Ino tense up.

"That little hussy!" Ino snarled. "I _bet_ she was influential! Something tells me Naruto got a better look at her private areas than the complications this is gonna cause him!"

"Private areas?" Temari asked.

"What? It's better than saying she convinced him by showing him her cu-"

"ANYWAY!" Sakura said cutting in, "can we agree it is _not_ a good idea for _Naruto_ of all people to be living with a Mist Ninja he barely knows who could be trying to find a away to convert him to their side?"

Temari rolled her eyes as she drank her tea. "You two are so paranoid," she said as she set the cup down. "I swear. Last week it was the Ramen Bar girl."

"What do you mean?" Ino asked.

"If I recall you said," Temari tapped her throat and mimicked Ino's voice perfectly, "'That little ho is seducing him with aphrodisiacs in his Ramen.'"

"And you," Tenten said pointing at Sakura, "said," she tapped her throat as well, "'She's only doing it because he got that inheritance from his uncle.'"

"A-and to-together both of you said," Hinata took a deep breath, "'Gold digging skank.'" Tamari and Tenten clapped at the wonderful copy of both girls' voices.

"ARE YOU SUGGESTING SOMETHING!" Sakura screamed.

Temari sighed, "Yes, we're suggesting you're angry Naruto won't be chasing your _private areas_ anymore when he has easy access at his home. In the words of my brother Kankuro 'booty on tap.' Even men like Naruto prefer the quick way to the expensive and most likely waste of time way."

Sakura held her head as if it was going to split, "Please never say that again."

"What? The _booty on tap_ or _private areas_?" Temari smiled.

"Wise ass," Sakura hissed.

"Who is?" they heard. All five girls looked up to see Naruto, Yui to his right and behind him. He smiled at them; she did the same and bowed her head. "Hey girls. How are you? Ah Tenten didn't think I'd see you again so soon…" he suddenly got a thought. "Are you all talking about us?" he asked motioning to him and Yui.

Sakura did not like how he said _us_.

"Naruto, why would we be talking about _you two_?" Ino asked, scoffing.

"Because you want to bump private areas," Temari whispered under her tea. Ino shot her the deadliest glare she had.

"We only came here to get a snack before we start cleaning up my apartment anyway," Naruto said with a shrug.

"Why are you cleaning? Gonna have a party?" Tenten asked, generally interested. As a rule Naruto's parties were the best because he didn't care what happened to the place.

"No me and Yui-chan are moving into a new place and I found out I can still get my cleaning deposit back."

Sakura's eye twitched not unlike her master's, "Where are you…" she had to spit it out, "_two_…going to move to?"

"This big place on…where was it Yui-chan?"

She pulled a small scroll with all the information on it from her purse and looked. "A two story house on Yoko Street."

Ino twitched. "Yoko street?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Two story?"

"Yes."

"Rooftop garden?"

Yui checked the plans she had, "Yes."

"You know the place Ino?" Naruto asked.

She dropped her head. "It's right next door to my house."

Temari and Tenten snorted. Sakura did a double take from her to Yui to Naruto and kept repeating it like a broken record. Hinata blushed deeply and seemed to shrink into a small ball.

"Uh…yay…" Naruto chuckled weakly.

Ino's head shot up. "What's with that? You don't want me for a neighbor dobe?" she asked.

He grunted and looked at her, "It's not that…it…ah never mind. Come on Yui-chan our stuff is up. Good to see you Hinata, Temari." He turned his back on them. Yui gave them a pert bow and left with him.

After they left Ino and Sakura clenched their fists. "WHAT NERVE!" Sakura roared.

"I know!" Ino hissed back.

"That attitude she had when she answered your questions!"

"She's so damn smug!"

"I'd like to see how smug she is after a few chakra powered punches to the _face_."

"Little bitch should learn her place."

"I think the fact she calls herself Naruto's retainer says she already _has_," Temari added. The two glared at her. "Oh get off of it. You two are just mad someone is closer to Naruto than you. Get over it. If you two forgot _I _nearly dated him."

They looked at each other then her. It took a few seconds but soon they were whispering about her too. Temari threw her hands up in defeat and left some change on the table. "You two are hopeless. I hope Naruto smacks some sense into you, even if he has to take you over his knees and spank you." With that Temari left.

"_I'd_ like Naruto to spank _me_…" Tenten said absentmindedly. She laughed wholeheartedly at Ino and Sakura's reactions and left, paying for her untouched drink and sweets.

"We'll get her…" Ino sneered.

"She'll see what we can do…" Sakura seconded.

Hinata tried desperately to get the image of Naruto disciplining her friends out of her mind. _Go to happy place! Go to happy place!_

I think we _all_ know what Hinata's happy place would be, _Have you been a bad girl Hinata-chan?_

"YES I HAVE NARUTO-KUN!" she screamed. Sakura and Ino cringed away from her. She looked around and realized the entire shop was looking at her like she was insane. She giggled softly and hurried home.

She had an urgent meeting with her _private areas_.

* * *

Naruto sneezed hard; thankfully he had been wiping his mouth of dango sauce so he was able to keep it off of his food. "Someone must be talking about me," he said. 

"Do you think it's bad?" Yui asked.

"In this village? Who knows? Well we've gotten the living room, the bedroom, and the hallways clean. Do you want to do the bathroom or the kitchen next?" Naruto asked. He was tired and dirty, but it was the good kind. He had a towel wrapped around his head to keep the sweaty hair out of his eyes.

Yui thought for a second. She had switched to a sports bra and a pair of baggy pants to work. By the look of them they had been in or around bleach more than Naruto's tiles. "The kitchen isn't that bad, we can save that until last. The bathroom just needs to have the floor cleaned. Since Tsunade-sama may still be chasing Joya-sensei around it could be days before we get to the new building…"

Both of them were sitting on the clean wooden floors of Naruto's living room, supported by knee cushions. Naruto had gotten two cold cans of tea from the fridge to go wit their dango and they were eating off of one of his few trays.

"So just stop for today and take all the trash and stuff out?" Naruto asked. She smiled and nodded. "Okay," he made his infamous hand sign and made seven clones. They gathered up the trash and the cleaning stuff. The trash was taken out to the dumpster and the cleaning stuff was put up for the night.

"Do you want to shower first Yui-chan?" Naruto asked.

"I want to shower with you," she said as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Naruto, who had been moving to get up, started and fell flat on his ass. "Okay…I can handle the being naked thing…I mean that's natural curiosity and all. But _bathing together_? That's going into a whole different level of…what ever it is."

She blinked, "I want to shower with you because you look stiff. Joya-sensei needs to be massaged because of the drugs she uses to keep her body young. If we bathe together we can conserve water and we can help each other. I'm sure you would enjoy a good warm water massage as much as I would."

"You don't get why I don't want to do that do you?' he asked.

"I don't understand why you are so hesitant no," admitted his counterpart.

"Okay…listen. I'm not that experienced with girls. Kaka-sensei tells me all the time to go slow and not expect things until they've been together a while."

Yui nodded. She understood why Naruto said it. He was obviously very concerned about doing something to offend or upset her. She felt her heart swell. He was thinking of how she would react first. Like when she had asked him to view her.

"We have been together for a long time. Ever since we were children," she countered.

Naruto had no rebuttal for that. "Well…are you sure? I mean…"

"I'm sure. Let's hurry I must smell horrible to you. Your stench isn't helping my nose either," she laughed.

"That's because some of us can't just shave ourselves clean everyday!" he grunted.

"I'll do it for you if you wish me to."

"Ugh have you ever heard of personal space?"

"Yes I have. I also hear it is horrible for people who wish to know each other."

"And I thought _I _was a smart ass."

"No you're just a cute ass."

Naruto laughed and took off the towel on his head and dropped his headband onto it. His shirt followed then the slippers he wore when inside and his pants. He hesitated at his boxers until he saw Yui bend over and take off her panties. He sighed and did the same.

_No going back now Naruto, you asked for it._

He heard the water kick on and waited until Yui called him. He watched as she motioned to the tub. He blushed and sat down. When he felt her hands slide over his shoulders he tensed, but it was nothing compared to the feeling of the water rising from her entering.

Her simple commands to move his body felt right to his ears. It was like he had been hearing them his entire life. He had never felt more willing to do what he was told. It was nothing compared to Iruka, or Kaka-sensei, or even Jiraya. It was something else, deeper within him, which made him obey completely.

The wash cloth she was using felt good as it moved in small spiraling motions over his back. He was only going to let her to that, but when she moved to his sides and his legs he turned to her and let her clean the rest. She stopped at his private area, but he shrugged and reached for the cloth. She pulled back and did it herself.

He pulled a clean cloth from the rack over his toilet and went to work on her. She held out her arms for him to clean and then her legs. At first she thought he wouldn't clean that far down, especially close to her own private area, but the struggle she had shown was nowhere in Naruto's eyes.

She felt so comfortable in his grip it was odd. Even around Joya she had tensed up when exposed to this degree. She had never felt safe even with her mother's home when she was alive. Now, in an enemy village, in the slum areas of said village, with no weapons in range and only her skin to protect her, she felt safe. Because her skin wasn't alone, she also had him.

When they finished Naruto and Yui dried themselves off. They walked from the bathroom, both naked as can be, their bare feet padding against the wooden floor. Like it had been going on for years the both pulled their clothes from his dresser. She took another of his shirts, this time it was so big for her he had to help her put it on, along with a pair of her own panties.

Naruto himself threw on a pair of boxers and some pajama pants. Yui got into bed and looked at him was he headed for the couch. "Sleep here Naruto-sama."

He turned his eyes to her, "Now who's giving orders Yui-chan?" she mumbled sorry but he patted her on the head to show it was all in jest. He yawned and sat on the other side. When he laid down he saw she was moving with him to pull the covers up.

Ko-chan was sitting against the wall between them. Yui pulled her favorite old doll into her arms and smiled at Naruto who returned it. She turned her back to him and scooted over to him. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around her as she squeezed the doll.

It just felt right to be with her.

If just felt right to be with him.

Both Naruto and Yui fell asleep quietly.

* * *

"YOU HORRIBLE WHORE!" Tsunade screeched. She had finally cornered Joya at her house. Tsunade was panting badly. She was tired, hungry, sweaty, and above all alcohol free. "I'M GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE!" 

Tsunade needed her medicine.

"Listen Tsunade! Let's examine this situation for another angle!" a kunai buried itself hilt deep into the wall by Joya's head. She looked from it to Tsunade.

"A kunai perpendicular to your forehead would be nice!" Tsunade snarled.

Joya gulped. She had never been given a Mist Headband and ANBU didn't wear theirs under their masks so she hadn't seen it in over twenty years. She had no way of stopping Tsunade.

Unless…yes her _final technique._

It would be dangerous. She would most likely suffer for it physically, but she had no choice. It was stop Tsunade, her better in not only physical form but also battle, or die. Joya didn't want to die to someone she called Mune-hime since they were kids. It didn't feel right.

As Tsunade struck Joya reached into her cleavage, which was like a crack in the sidewalk compared to her enemy, but hey she had it, and revealed a small bottle. It had a purple cork and had plum designs coating it. Tsunade skidded to a stop, her fist millimeters from Joya's nose.

"Is…is that the rare Roshumon Plum Sake?"

"The kind they only make two of every two years? Yes. Yes it is. If you hit me now…I'll drop it. But if you let me live. I may…give it to you," Joya said shaking it a little. Tsunade's hand shook. She heard the sloshing of the liquid and smelled it delicious scent.

"FINE! GIMMIE!" Tsunade said. Joya, who was close to Naruto's height, and thus much taller than Tsunade, held it over her head. "NO! I WON'T HIT YOU! I PROMISE TO NEVER HIT YOU AGAIN!"

"Swear?" Joya watched as Tsunade jumped for it. She was kind of amused the Tsunade had forgotten she was a ninja and could just leap ten feet into the air to get it.

Jump, "I NEVER GO BACK ON MY WORD!"

She watched the movements of Tsunade's body happily, "Let me stay in your house?"

Jump, "YES!"

She kept the gravy train, and Tsunade, moving, "Share a bed with my beautiful Mune-hime!"

Jump, "WHATEVER!"

One more time, "Want pizza tonight?"

Jump, "SURE!"

Okay, _one_ more time, "Can I squeeze your ass anytime I want?"

Jump, "FINE!"

"SOLD! To the woman in the big hat!" Joya said as she gave Tsunade the bottle. The Hokage rubbed it with her cheek, she didn't even notice Joya's hand as they headed back inside. "What's the best pizza place in Konoha Muni-hime?" Joya asked.

"I don't care," she sighed happily.

Joya looked at her and took her hand away. She put it around Tsunade's shoulders and laughed, "of course you don't."

The two old women walked inside to enjoy their liquor and pizza.

* * *

A/N: oooh...Plum Sake...Anyway: I'm sure all can see where this is going. Can you say: teen girl angst? 

Dictionary:

1 (Private Areas): if this chapter wasn't proof enough, I love this phrase and will be using it. A lot. A whle lot.

2 (Naru-Chan): Sexy No Jutsu Naruto basically

3 (Going Squint): Whne Naruto closes his eyes and acts either stupid or over the top, mostly how he acts in the first few chapters and episodes.


	3. Plans and Plans and Plans

A/N: AND NOW! MY FANMAIL!

Senyor Fier Mensheir: Joya doesn't have a young face because she's been in the Hidden Mist. Tsunade also isn't using an illusion, she's using her natural chakra flow to make her body look younger by revitalizing herself. Joya uses drugs and enhancers to keep her body young. The side effect was her face would continue to age.

Karol, Faisolz, and Zhou-Mak: Pairings are fickle things with me. I want it to be known that I have plans for later chapters but not all are set. I may do a prelim Pairing list, but after the next two chapters all pairs will be revealed. Whne they are I'll make it official with a list on the first chapter.

Neon-Gensis Fan: voice of Ed from Coweboy bebop what's beta?

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Plans and Plans and Plans**

The next morning was relatively calm. No one woke up and found they had been sleeping with someone they didn't expect. All in all it would be a good day. Uzumaki Naruto thought so as he sat up and yawned. He looked at his new bedmate and saw she had rolled into a ball and pushed as close to him as possible. He smiled and looked at her whiskers.

A mischievous smile came to his lips and he bent down and blew on them. He saw a shudder run down her spin and blush form on her cheeks. Her eyes opened and she looked at him. "Morning," he smiled.

She smiled back and yawned. Naruto sat up and went to scratch his side when he felt her nails there instead. He purred. She sat up with him and turned her back to his. He scratched it right where she couldn't reach.

When they had gotten each other they both sat up and threw off their clothes. Naruto threw her one her own t-shirts while he put on a clean pair of boxers and some of his normal pants, she did the same.

"You have your own underwear…" he grunted watching her take his.

"Yes?" she asked.

Naruto threw up his hands and went into the bathroom to put his deodorant on while Yui went to make breakfast. Naruto came out pulling a shirt over his head just as she finished the eggs. He scooped them onto a loaf of wheat toast and curled it into a burrito.

"Hey Yui-chan…"

"Yes Naruto-sama?"

"Let's see if we can get Tsunade-bachan to approve the move today," he said.

"Why?"

"Well the sooner we move in the sooner we can have a house warming party!" explained the yellow blonde.

"A party?" she tilted her head (1).

"Yeah! I want you to meet everyone here I care about! Since our place is so big we can have everyone come." Yui looked at him with an unreadable emotion. "Kiba, Fuzzy eyebrows, Shino, Neji, Shikamaru, Chouji. Hell Anko, Kakashi, Gai, everyone!"

Yui rubbed her arm, "Uh Naruto-sama…I don't…" he stopped her with a brisk gesture.

"Not comfortable around a lot of people?" she nodded shyly. "I understand. It was hell when I just _held_ the demon…I bet it wasn't that much better being part one right?"

"Yes. But Joya-sensei protected me and mother loved me."

He smiled as he thought of Iruka. "Why not just a few people? You can meet them when we invite them and if you feel okay around them we invite everyone?"

Yui thought for a moment. When she saw he really wanted her to meet his friends, but was leaving it up to her, she smiled and nodded her head vigorously.

"Okay. Let's get ready and head out to see Tsunade-bachan!" he said as he finished his egg/what burrito. Yui nodded and scooped hers down her mouth from her plate.

For the first time in her life, she was excited to meet new people.

Because they had accepted him, and she was beneath him.

* * *

Tsunade yawned as she looked at yet _another_ stack of paper work. Her eyebrow twitched. Half of it was taken away and she saw Joya, working at a now slightly crumpled desk, doing it as well. Tsunade felt a little bit of relief and thanks wash over her. 

Ever since last night Joya had dropped her perverted actions and words and had gotten down to work. Tsunade didn't miss the fact that most of the papers she did were related to Yui or Naruto in some way. When Tsunade had taken a break earlier to order some breakfast she had asked about it. Joya had smiled, leaned back in her chair and said 'A mommy always looks out for the men her daughter love.'

She smiled imagining Joya as a mother. Then a thought popped into her head, "Hey Joya."

"Yes by lovely Mune-hime?" Tsunade let that one go.

"You said you were like Yui's mother?"

"Yep."

"Did you…"

Joya looked at her behind her veil, "I did everything."

"Even…?

"Let me put it this way, I knew before _anyone_ else that Yui had begun teething," she said. Joya winced and rubbed one of her small breasts before going back to work. "Those were the days…" she said with a bit of melancholy.

Tsunade blinked. "I never thought _you_ of all people would be a mother."

"Neither did I. Well I once heard that when you die what was going to happen to you changes to the opposite. So maybe when I was captured it triggered me to become a woman loving single mother…eh who knows?" she asked raising one hand in the air as 'there you are.'

Shizune entered and bowed to Tsunade, "Tsunade-sama Naruto-kun and Yui-san are here to see you."

Tsunade pulled out one of her sake bottles, "Let them in…" she rasped. Her head was already pounding.

"Hey Tsunade-bachan, Joya-bachan!" Naruto called entering the office. Yui bowed to her sensei and Tsunade.

"What is it and does involve something being blown up?" Tsunade asked, ignoring the pleasantries.

Naruto took a step back, "Uh yeah…we wanted to ask if you would hurry up and approve us for the move."

Joya, who was interested in anything that dealt with her Yui-chan turned around in her chair, "Why?"

"Naruto-sama wants to have a party so that I may meet his friends. I have meet some of them, and they seem to be nice."

Tsunade sighed and opened the drawer under her Sake drawer. She pulled out the scroll that would designate Naruto and Yui would use the building as if they owned it. She stamped the scroll with her personal seal and threw it to Naruto. He smiled and thanked her.

"Come on Yui-chan we need to get some supplies to pack all my stuff! And then we have to go out."

"Uh why Naruto-sama?" she asked.

"To buy you some more stuff!" he said happily as if that was the only answer. She blushed and nodded before following him out.

The three older kunoichi looked at each other and smiled. "They're so adorable aren't they?" Joya asked.

"Yeah…"

"It's been a while since Naruto has had a party," Kakashi said as he sat on Joya's desk.

"Yeah it has…AAAAAAAHHHH!" she screamed and leapt behind Tsunade. Kakashi blinked. "DAMN YOU HATAKE! You still do that?!" she screamed at him.

"Yeah,"

"Ugh…what do you want?" Joya sighed.

"That's _my_ line Joya, I am only the _Hokage_ after all…" Tsunade grunted. Joya nodded and took her place at Tsunade's left as if she had been there for years. Tsunade ignored her for now, "What do you want Kakashi?"

"Well I wanted to know what you were going to do about my team. With Sasuke…indisposed for a while…" he trailed off.

"Well…actually Kakashi I was thinking about disbanding team seven." He raised his visible eyebrow, "I know you're partial to Naruto and Sakura but since Yui has arrived we'll need Naruto to watch over her and help her get adjusted. Sakura's been pushing to become a Medic team captain and I have about twenty S-rank missions their skills would hinder you on.

"So you see why I've been thinking it over."

Kakashi took out Make-out Resort (2) "Well yeah…but you aren't going to just have Naruto and that girl on a mission are you? I mean he has surpassed me and all, but there is the fact he _is_ Naruto."

"I know. I've been trying to think who would be best to teach Naruto _and_ Yui. But since Joya's been keeping her damn mouth shut about what Yui can do…"

Kakashi nodded. He understood Team 7 was dead, it was dead _before_ Sai started stalking Naruto. Those were the funniest days of his life. The first time Naruto woke up with Sai in his sleeping bag was the most hilarious thing Kakashi had ever seen.

He still had the recording of it on his Nin-Pod.

"So I guess I should get going on a new mission eh?" he asked.

Tsunade shook her head, "No. You can break the news to Naruto and Sakura at your next team meeting. When you do, be sure Sakura keeps a stable head. I think we all remember what happened to the ramen bar girl…"

All three Konoha ninja sighed and looked as if they had been punched in the arm.

Joya looked at them all, "What? What happened?"

"Two years ago Sakura and Ino thought Ayame, the daughter of Ichiraku the ramen maker, was seducing Naruto. They…well…Sakura knocked her out and Ino took over her body. Ino stripped her and posed her with ingeniously placed Ramen noodles and bowls and posted the pictures all over the village. The poor girl just started going back outside." Tsunade lowered her head, "And I thought Ibiki was a master of mental torture…"

Joya pictured it. _Joya-san…do you want my _special_ ramen flavor? I'm sorry but I only have this _hot_ and _tight_ pink bowl…Put those away, you don't need chopsticks…_

Tsunade watched as Joya's veil turned blood red (ha, ha!). Joya quickly pulled it off, wiped her nose, put two tissues in it, and put on a new mask before anyone could see her horribly wrinkled face.

"What? I didn't do anything," she said. She looked at the clock. "I'm hungry! Who's with me for some ramen?"

"I AM!" Shizune screamed raising her hand. Tsunade gaped at her when she saw her assistant had a nose bleed as well.

_Oh my god…my assistant is a lesbian…_

"LET'S GO!" Joya and Shizune ran off. Kakashi looked from the trail of dust to Tsunade, who had turned to watch the two women run to the Ramen bar.

"When did my life get so weird?"

"Gono-kun asked himself that…" Kakashi muttered.

"What?" Tsunade asked looking at him.

"Gono-kun…he's the main character in Make-Out Ranch (3)."

"And what was his answer?"

He pulled out a second orange book and went to a page that had a red post-it note on the page. He scanned it and then looked back at her, "Well it really started when Kanaan-chan showed up in a cowgirl outfit with ass-less chaps and a big vib-"

"NEVER MIND!"

Tsunade was _very_ glad she had a sake bottle in her hand.

* * *

Joya and Shizune sat happily in the Ramen bar. Ichiraku-Jiisan was happy. It was better than the slobbering dogs that only came around thinking his daughter wore a noodle G-string to work! At least these fine ladies had no sexual interest in his daughter what-so-ever! 

Let's not ruin his dreams shall we?

Naruto, who had worn a blindfold to Ichiraku for weeks afterward walked up and plopped a seat away from Joya so Yui could sit between them. "How did you two get here before us?" he asked.

"We heard about how _warm, supple,_ and _delicious_ Ichiraku is. And I wanted to make sure it hasn't changed," she explained. Naruto smiled as he got an egg for free. He chirped like a lark as he started slurping. Joya eyed him and then tapped her fingers against the bar.

Little did our titular hero know it was code she had developed with Yui so none of the Mist Nin who followed them knew what they talked about.

_So…did he do it?_

Yui took a breath and kicked her feet against the ground, _Did what?_

_You know what. Did he make you his little foxy girl?_

_No Joya-sensei. He did not _make me his foxy girl._ Where do you get these ideas?_

_From the fact your hand moves toward either his dick or his thigh every few minutes. You saw it at least._

_We bathe together and share a bed._

_Hot damn. Fill me in girl._

_Naruto-sama is very attractive._

_Yes. Now tell me what I want to know._

_He has well define muscles. Also I noticed he keeps his chest and face shaved to-_

_That's good Yui, now tell mama what she needs to know._

_He keeps his tan even by-_

_HIS PENIS DAMMIT! TELL ME ABOUT HIS PENIS! _Based upon this Joya's chopsticks shattered against the bar. Shizune and Naruto looked at her. S looked from both of them and laughed nervously, "Sorry…I'm really hungry." She took another pair and they went back to eating. _Tell me…_

Yui tapped her heels against the ground twenty-five times. Joya straightened up and yawned arching her back. Yui bent forward so her body was very limp.

"Joya-san, your nose is bleeding," Shizune informed her. Joya had to change her mask for the second time that day.

_You lucky little…_Joya tapped before her ramen was delivered. She took out a sake bottle and poured it into the soup and then ate. _This village has made me lose more blood in two days, than in five years as a freaking ANBU!_

When they were finished eating Joya and Shizune headed back to Tsunade's office with a fresh bowl for the Hokage while Naruto and Yui went toward the packing store.

"How many boxes will we need?" she asked

"Well I don't have that much…let's get about ten medium boxes and maybe two big ones. Since most of your stuff is still in your bags we don't have to worry about that right?" he asked. She nodded.

"Ah here it is…" Naruto said looking up at the Nin-Haul. They walked in and the guy at the counter nodded. Naruto was a bit surprised. Yes Yui and he had glaring differences but at first glance they could be twins. Thinking of twins made him look her over. "Hey Yui-chan?" she looked at him. "How old are you?"

"Oh, I'll turn twenty-one on the tenth of October this year," she explained.

"Your birthday is ten, ten?" he asked.

She nodded as she looked at different kinds of packing tape she stopped and looked back at him. "It's yours too?"

"Man this keeps getting weirder and weirder…" he whispered as he helped her carry the boxes to check out. When they had paid and left Naruto heard something that made hime wince.

"NARUTO-KUN! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL YOUTHFUL DAY IT IS ISN'T!"

_Goddammit!_ "Hey Fuzzy Eyebrows!" Yui watched as Naruto's face went from anger, to frustration, to amusement in an amazingly fast sequence.

Lee stopped in front of them and gave a salute. "Hello Naruto-kun! Oh is this Yui-san I heard about from my youthful comrade Tenten-san?" he asked.

"Yeah, Lee this is Yui, my retainer, and Yui this Lee-"

"The green beast of Konoha! It is an honor to mee you-Eh? What is the matter Yui-san?"

Yui shuddered as they moved…_they moved_. They couldn't be real. No way could they be real. They were _too _big to be real. She watched as one bent like an arm or leg and rose over one of Lee's round eyes.

"N-Naruto…his…his eyebrows…" she stuttered holding the bags of tape and packing peanuts close to her chest.

"Uh…yeah. You'll get used to them…"

"No…no I won't."

"Lee hey we're gonna get going now because we have to pack…"

Lee looked at him, "Pack?"

"Yeah me and Yui live together and we're moving into a bigger house."

"Live together?" Lee asked.

"Yeah…uh…Lee?" Naruto suddenly felt very afraid. He knew that look. He had five seconds _maybe_. "Yui-chan…"

"Yes Naruto-sama?"

"RUN!"

Naruto tore ass away from Lee and Yui followed. As soon as Lee was out of their sight they heard it. "LIVING IN SIN?! THE UN-YOUTH! THE UN-YOUTH! I SHALL CORRECT THIS!"

"Dammit! Yui do you know genjutsu?" Naruto called back.

"I don't know any simple ones why?"

"Dammit…there's only one chance. Hurry Yui-chan he's coming!" she looked behind her and saw Lee, his eyes blazing like flames.

"NARUTO-KUN! LIVING WITH A YOUNG WOMAN YOU BARELY KNOW IS THE EPITOME OF UN-YOUTH! I SHALL NOT ALLOW YOU TO BE TEMPTED BY UNYOUTHFUL THOUGHTS OF LUST!"

"He's like some sort of…of…"

"Beast? Yeah that describes Lee alright…THERE!" Naruto said pointing to an electronics store.

"What will help us in there?" Yui asked as Naruto made a clone and sent him in.

"A mega phone!" Yui raised an eyebrow.

"Only one person in this entire village can distract Lee away from someone else's youth and that's his all-time rival, the angstiest bastard in Konoha…HYUUGA NEJI!"

* * *

"WACHOO!" the prodigy in question sneezed. He rubbed his nose and looked down at the scroll he had been working. Sighing he threw the mucus covered paper away. 

"Someone's talking about you Neji-niichan!" Hanabi said as she put her head on his shoulder. The younger of the two Hyuuga heiresses watched as Neji took out another scroll and began to write.

"Hanabi-sama should you not be learning tea ceremonies with Hinata-sama?" he asked as he dipped his pen in an inkwell.

"Well we _were_ before Hinata started taking maintenance on her private areas…"

Neji scratched a hole in the scroll, "Her _what!_" he asked.

"Well you see Naruto's living with this really cute girl right? and Sakura and Ino are going _apeshit_ over it. Remember the ramen bar girl?"

Oh Neji remembered. The hidden compartment with Byakugan blocking charms under his bed made sure he _never forgot!_ He nodded.

"Well they're acting like they did before that. Anyway Temari-san said Naruto should discipline them and Hinata's been acting weird ever since."

"Do you follow her around or something?" he asked as he tried to find yet another scroll.

"Only when you aren't trying to make out with your girlfriend!"

He knocked his well over. Cursing under his breath he decided to quit trying to do the scroll when _other people_ were awake. He stood up, effectively pushing Hanabi off of him, and walked to his door.

"If you're that bored we can see if Hiashi-sama will authorize a training session," Neji had to admit seeing Hanabi light up made him feel a little bit better about himself.

"THE UN-YOUTH! THE UN-YOUTH!"

"Oh son of a bitch," Neji hissed. Naruto landed right next to Neji panting followed by Yui. "Naruto…why are you…" he saw Yui and heard Lee. "Never mind. Why do you have a megaphone?"

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata screamed. Hanabi and Neji whirled to see her. she was obviously in her tea ceremony Kimono to teach Hanabi. She looked from him to herself and flushed crimson.

Naruto smiled, "Uh hey Hinata. I like the lotus on your dress…" she turned even redder and ran away. Naruto looked at Neji who merely shook his head. Naruto blinked and suddenly remember why he was here in the first place. "Hey Neji want to help me out?" Naruto asked.

"Is it like the time you accidentally blew up Hiashi-sama's koi pond? Because I am _still_ banned from Hoshi Sushi."

"No, no! No explosions," _yet_, "I just need you to stand there and be pretty," he said smacking Neji's cheek.

"Don't touch me…"

"Hey Naruto…oh is this Yui-chan? She's cute!" Hanabi said as she followed Neji outside. Yui bowed to both of them. Then Lee's very weak chakra signature appeared and he flew into the air.

"NARUTO-KUN! COME INTO THE LIGHT OF SEPARATE LIVING ARRANGEMENTS!" Lee roared as he headed straight for Naruto.

Naruto quickly turned on the megaphone. "**Lee! Neji just broke the time record for eating fifty plates of curry while doing the hoola! Isn't that right Neji?!**" Naruto asked handing the phone to him.

The Hyuuga prodigy sighed. _Motherfu..._ "**Uh…Yeah…trained for days or something…**"

Lee stopped in midair and landed softly instead of full body tackling Naruto. "I see…Naruto-kun…while I find your living arrangements, in the words of my beloved Gai-sensei, un-youthful as all get-out, I must go and defeat my rival Neji-kun! DO YOU UNDERSTAND NARUTO-KUN!"

"You don't need to yell Lee I'm right here…but yeah. You won't let me down if you go after your dream of the last four minutes or less…" he grabbed the megaphone and put it to Lee's ear, "**Go Lee go! Explode for curry!**"

"YES! I'M OFF!"

The explosion from Lee's rapid take off covered half the Hyuuga compound in dust and grass. Neji took a deep breath and looked at Naruto, "Well it's not as bad as the rubber balls…"

"Yeah…" Naruto and Neji rubbed their arms before shaking hands and heading out. Yui bowed to Hanabi and Neji before following her master.

"That was weird…" Hanabi said.

"The horrid thing is it has become routine for me. That was the fourth time this week alone."

"NARUTO-KUN!" Hinata screamed suddenly appearing at Neji's bedroom door. Her cousin and sister looked at her.

Neji's mouth fell open. He twitched for a second before falling over and causing dust to rise and settle on Hanabi, who was even more freaked out by what her sister was _holding_.

Hinata was holding in her hand a very large paddle. It had holes in it to apparently reduce air resistence. Hanabi could make out the words: Hinata's little helper written across the paddle itself. She blinked when she saw a chibi Naruto holding the paddle over a chibi Hinata.

She suddenly wondered why Hinata would think that would appeal to Naruto. He didn't seem like the kinky type to Hanabi, but hey who knew?

"Hinata…is…is that you?"

Hinata, obviously not realizing what she looked like or who she was talking to asked, "Where's Naruto-kun!"

"Uh he went home…why?"

"I've been a bad girl!" she screamed holding up the paddle. Hanabi felt her face flush. The younger sister turned suddenly after feeling a certain chakra signature.

"Oh no…Hinata! Run!" whispered the sister fiercely.

"Not until Naruto-kun gives me a spa-"

Her father's voice intervened, "Neji? Why are you on the ground boy?" The head of the Hyuuga clan walked up to his nephew and looked at him. He noticed Neji was pointing at his bedroom and he looked up. "Hinata what is that?" he asked as he tilted his head to read the paddle. "WHAT THE HELL?! HINATA! Why do you have that!"

Hinata grabbed her father's robes and pulled him close. "Father, I've been a bad girl…Naruto-kun isn't here to help me…will you do it?"

Hiashi had never have this happen in his life. "Hinata I…this is…Neji…well…"

"Father…" she activated her Byakugan and held up the paddle to his face. "SPANK ME!"

* * *

Naruto rubbed his eyes as he looked at all of the junk in his spare closet. Most of it was ninja weapons he had broken when he was training or trying out new techniques. He couldn't believe he had missed all this crap when he and Yui were cleaning. 

"Hey Yui…where is my _functional_ ninja stuff?"

She appeared at the end of the hallway, "I moved it all to the bedroom to be sorted. You have a summoning scroll we can use right?"

"Yeah but I think it's full…I'm not sure though," he said as he rubbed the back of his head. deciding he better check he pulled out of his spare gear bag at the top of the closet.

The sound of knocking, fierce, angry knocking, made Naruto look up. "Yui check it would you?"

"Yes Naruto-sama," she walked by the hall and went to the door. He heard it open. "Yes? Hello Tsunade-sama…would you like to come in?"

"Yes…yes I would…" Tsunade stomped in, her fists clenched, her jaw set forward like some kind of fish. She stalked down to Naruto and grabbed him around the neck. "Naruto…"

"Yes Tsunade-sama?" he saw that calling her granny would not be the best thing to do in this situation.

"Why is Hyuuga Hiashi screaming at me to kill you for corrupting his daughter?" the tone was what Naruto feared most in the world. Almost as much as…nope nothing scared him as much as Tsunade's voice when she was _uber_-pissed.

Naruto blinked, "What did I do now? What corruption?"

"It appears that Hinata has suddenly developed not only a spanking fetish but has deemed _you_ to be the intended spanker. Why would she want that?"

"Why are you looking at me? Bondage videos scare me! Every time I see one I juts reminds me how much you like to punch me!" he said shaking free of her grip.

"So you say you _didn't_ make Hinata believe you would give her…" Tsunade dug into her jacket sleeve and pulled out a scroll, "quote: 'Real discipline because her father doesn't have the balls to be her 'daddy'…'"

"_Hinata_ said that?"

"Yes…" Tsunade said. "I haven't laughed that hard in years."

"I believe Hinata-hime has become obsessed," Yui explained.

"Girl you don't know the half of it," Tsunade said, "Joya is using a genjutsu right now to try and find out why she has that damn idea in her head. When she finds out we may be able to hypnotize her out of it…"

"But isn't there a chance the hypnosis could make her go into a berserker frenzy when faced with that same situation later on, due to the powerful conflicting mental forces?" Yui asked.

Tsunade looked at her, "No…not at all." _I hope…_

"Well if that's all Tsunade-bachan we have to pack before we get ready to move," Naruto said as he went back to looking at his gear.

"When will you two be moving in to the new building?" Tsunade asked.

"Maybe the day after tomorrow. Why?"

Tsunade nodded, "Well I want you to get together with Kakashi and Sakura after you are done packing. It has to do with Team 7. have a good day Naruto and try not to delude any more of your fan club," she said as she left.

"My what?"

"You know who I mean!" Tsunade called as she left the apartment and headed back to her office. When she arrived Hiashi was pacing back and forth. Neji had an icepack on his head and was mumbling about 'happy places.' "How is it?" she asked when she saw Joya looking into Hinata's eyes. Joya's golden orbs were flashing rythmically and Hinata was mumbling something incoherently.

"Well," the older ninja said blinking, to deactivate her illusion. Hinata swayed a little in her seat. "From what I can tell after a friend said Naruto should discipline those two girls, Ino and Sakura right? Hinata got the idea he did that to _everyone_. Everyone being any girl who likes him. And from there she tried to be the most submissive and the one ready for it anytime…

"Crazy huh?"

Tsunade remembered when she started drinking four glasses of milk a day because a certain pervy-hermit kept calling her 'flat chested Tsunade,' "Not so much…so what are you doing?"

"I've managed to convince her it was just a joke and she should not expect Naruto to just go and spank her in the middle of the day, no matter how bad a girl she's been. I have to say though if a guy she hooks up with in the future _does_ want to give her a nice pat, even in passing, he'll be in for one hell of a crazy time…"

Hiashi, who Tsunade thanked god did not hear what Joya just said, appeared from the hall, "How is my daughter Tsunade-sama?"

Joya patted the dazed Hyuuga Heiress on the head, "Well she's still screwed up, confidence and all that, as she was before, but now she isn't _sexually_ screwed up."

"_Thank you_ Joya."

* * *

Yui slurped her noodles happily. It was later that same day and she was sitting in the bed room while Naruto and his clones put the boxes they had packed in the living room by the door for when they get ready to move out. She was taking a small ramen break, for she had become as addicted to it as he was in only a matter of days, before she went o packing his clothes in a suitcase. 

As she finished she stood up and tossed the cup and plastic chopsticks into a trash bag hanging from the door handle. She opened the closet and gasped. It was all _orange._ Even the black clothes had orange on them. Everything. From pants to even his extra boxers were orange. She blinked. This couldn't be healthy.

"Naruto-sama?" she called.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"Why are all your clothes orange?"

"What other color would I have?" he asked back.

Yui sighed. Her master was eccentric. But at least she understood where he came from. She still held onto most of her old clothes, if they still fit. The ones loved most were almost white-washed orange. She smiled and began to take out the shirts. She put the T-shirts in one pile and the ones that had matching pants in another.

As she folded his clothes she saw how old some of them were. In one set of shirts she saw stretched seams at the shoulders and ripped holes on the elbows. She also saw what had to be training gear. Rips and tears along the arms and chest were from kunai or shuriken and there was a large rip in one shirt that seemed to have been made from a spinning force.

"Rasengan…" she whispered.

When she had packed his shirts, boxers, and pants in the three suitcases he had, they were so small was the problem, she went out into the living room and saw Naruto snoozing propped up against the couch. It was sweet to see him like that. She eyed the window and saw the sun had set a long time ago. She walked over to him and picked him up.

She took him to his bed room and set him down on the bed. He snorted and roll onto his side. Yui looked at Ko-chan, who was just gazing out into space as always, and went to take a bath. As she bathed she thought about what Naruto had said. These were people that were close to him.

_When he wanted to get away from Evil-Brows he went straight to that Neji person. The young girl also knew him and knew me. these people care for him and he for them. Yes it will be good to live here. I wonder…will they care for me as much?_

_If they don't…will Naruto-sama abandon me?_

* * *

Kakashi was flipping through the pages of Make-Out Tactics. He sighed. Once again the binding was coming undone. He would need to buy another one. He had the money, but this was the one Naruto had given him. It was sorta, almost, kind of special to him. 

"Looks like you need a new book," Kakashi turned around and saw a large white haired man.

"Hey. I was wondering when you would get here. It's already gotten crazy," Kakashi said as the Toad-Hermit sat next to him on the building over looking Naruto's apartment.

"I know. I've been waiting for Joya to make her move on Tsunade. It's hard work getting people to open up to the people they love!" he said shrugging.

"There's a difference between being cupid and trying to see two women have lesbian sex," deadpanned the Copy-Nin.

Jiraya laughed. "Well actually I didn't come here for that. I came here to tell you to keep an eye on Naruto."

"What why? What did you do?"

"Nothing. That's the best part! Half the people in this village look at me and see a guy who manipulates almost every single sex related thing that goes on! While I have a monopoly on your generation and the one before you I have almost no standing with the young kids…"

"So what? You've made Naruto your successor?"

Jiraya smiled. "There's a reason I've been keeping a low profile here. When Naruto and that girl get settled I'll make my appearance."

Kakashi sighed. "You understand that if he fails…"

"Yes…if Naruto fails everyone will think I'm just a dirty old man."

"You are a dirty old man."

Jiraya stood up and Kakashi had the odd feeling he had seen that pose before. "WELL OF COURSE I AM! But at least people know I have the skills to back it up! Ask any of the hundreds of women I've shared a bed, futon, pool table, sleeping bag, or mechanical bull with if I have the skills! You know what they'll say?!" he asked pointing at Kakashi.

_Mechanical bulls? Oh god bad image…_"No what?"

"ORGASMS! MULTIPLE!"

"Do you have to scream it?"

"If Naruto cannot show people that he is a pimp in the sack, or susbstitute of sack, then my reputation will be shot and all those women will think I pulled a _you_ and used genjutsu!"

Kakashi blinked at him. "It's not my fault they all pass out after seeing my face. The only woman to _not_ have a pure orgasm and then faint from pleasure is Anko…"

Jiraya shuddered, "That woman is unnatural…" Kakashi suddenly got a devious idea. Jiraya saw the spark in his student's, student's eye. "What? I know that look Kakashi. You have an idea!"

"Yes…yes I do…and when I think about it, it makes me feel dirty and sad,"

Jiraya smiled. He knew that it was time. "I've been saving this…and you may feel dirty now wait until you've seen it…BEHOLD!" he pulled from his vest a shining book made of _pure awesome_.

Kakashi's eye widened. "Is…is that…"

"Yes…Make-Out Paradise The Second Coming volume three…advanced printing." He opened it, "_Signed._ Tell me this plan and it's all yours…"

Kakashi gulped. If he kept the plan to himself he would save Naruto a lot of grief and be able to keep things somewhat normal. If he told Jiraya Naruto would have to go through quite literally hell…

But it's _an advanced printing!_

_I could never survive that…but Naruto is stronger than I am…_

"Oh hell! Give it to me!"

Jiraya smiled and handed it over, "So?"

"Well you see Tsunade wants to disband Team 7. The reason being I'm needed for S-rank missions, Sakura wants a med-team of her own, and Naruto needs to be with Yui because of what she can teach him."

"But since Naruto has only been a jounin for a few years he still needs a commander on missions?"

"Exactly…so…you use your," he searched for the right word, "influence, to get a certain someone in charge of Naruto and Yui. And I'm sure this person will make things _much_ more interesting."

Jiraya saw what he was talking about and widened his eyes. He smiled and looked at Naruto's snoring face. "Kakashi…have I ever told you I love you?"

Kakashi opened the book and read the first page. It was _awesome._ "Everyone loves me."

* * *

A/N: Hoohoo What could Kakashi be thinking? Well we shall see! I'm gflads so many of you have reviewed and are truely interested in this story and the plot! Thank you all so much! 

Dictionary:

1 (Yui head Tilt): like Naruto's squint, but with less excitable reactions.

2 (Make-Out Resort): The Second book in Make-Out Paradise The Second Comming. It's the next trilogy that picks up after Make-Out Violence. It features the main character from Ranch trying to fulfill his promise to his best friend's girlfriend.

3 (Make-Out Ranch): The First book in Make-Out Paradise The Second Comming. It's the next trilogy that picks up after Make-Out Violence. A new Main character, Gono-kun, inheirits a cowgirl ranch from his uncle, the main character of the first Make-Out Trilogy.


	4. Laying the Ground Work

A/N: Warning: This chapter contains post lemon action! You have been warned.

FAAAAAANMAAAAAILLLLL!

Action naruto lover and DragonMan 180: You are both sick little monkeys...and I love it! While I _can_ say there will be lemons coming soon I _won't_ spoil the big surprise that will come with the Party chapter.

HeWhoWalksTheEarth: I enjoy Lee's character as well. I like the fact you're so strong about him being portrayed as more than a Sambo (?). I'll try to keep his I'll try and make it only as funny as I need it to be.

Slaverevals: Send me an e-mail and I'll give you the pictures that made me thinkg of this story.

Zhou-Mak: I'm glad you enjoy this story. And yes I did make up the things about Make-Out Ranch and Resort. I have a little twist based on that for Kakashi.

Ryu no sendo tenshi: I don't know myself. I have a lot I want and can do with this story. I've been thinking of some things that would be applicable and not too over the top. If I ever get a set Idea I'll post it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, but I love writing Naruto lemons, enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 4 **

**Laying the Ground Work**

Yamanaka Ino considered herself smart. She wasn't as intelligent as Shikamaru or even Kakashi but she did know stuff. One of the things she knew was her own heart. She knew getting Sasuke would feel hollow, especially when Sakura's feelings for him were genuine. Ino had a schoolgirl crush and was too deep into it to get out.

So that's why she was a little happy that he left, it gave her a chance to weigh her other options. One of them being her soon to be neighbor. Of course she would _never_ say that out loud, even more so to Sakura.

Ino cared about Sakura deeply. It was a sisterly relationship that began with the red ribbon and had yet to end. She was happy to help her do all the little tricks and traps for the girls who got 'too close to Foxy' as Ino called him. Ino wondered sometimes why Sakura even put on the charade. Everyone knew she had a 'feeling' for Naruto.

Hell any woman with a pulse had one nowadays.

Ino looked into her mirror as she brushed her hair and saw an old picture. She and Sakura were young, barely able to enter the academy. Sakura was hiding behind Ino, smiling shyly. Ino saw it and knew her best friend was shy at heart, and very insecure about her body and sexuality.

While she didn't like to brag she was happy at the tender bust of 64 cm she had beat Sakura hands down. Whenever a trip to the beach came up Sakura would always make up some excuse not to go. She was concerned she would look too much like a tomboy against her fellow Kunoichi.

"Well it's not our fault Sakura didn't get the right titty genes," Ino sighed.

Thinking back she took a good look at Naruto and Yui. From what she could see Yui was on par with Hinata, the bustiest of their little quintet. She also had the rear and trim to match. Ino huffed. She stood up and grabbed the front of the loose nightshirt she was wearing pulling it taught over her own form.

She didn't want to admit it, but she _was_ jealous of Yui. Naruto had shown to be a good ninja and a good man. Now after only two days she was closer to him than any of the little wannabes that chased him in the village. she was even closer than Sakura.

Even after all Sasuke did, all that happened between them and all that happened between him and Sakura he still fulfilled his promise.

He didn't bring the Uchiha boy back because of the village. He did it for Sakura. "And forehead takes advantage of that fact _everyday!_" Ino hissed.

She threw her brush down and gritted her teeth. It burned her up. It got under her skin. Why _her_. Sakura was the most stuck-up prissy bitch in Konoha. What made Naruto fall heads over heels for her? She didn't even treat him like a _person_ until after Sasuke left.

Ino sighed. This wasn't how she should be thinking. She looked outside at the moon and then picked her brush back up. As she returned to working on her hair she wondered when the blond idiot had gotten under her skin. She had stayed up all night because of him and his _retainer_. Ino wondered if she even had a chance…

"Maybe I'm just a fool…" she sighed.

* * *

Haruno Sakura looked at her medical book. She grimaced when she read about some horrible disease caused by being punched in the kidneys once too many times. "Usually appears in wrestlers or other professional grapplers it is usually treated by a swift removal of the…" she closed the book and groaned. 

She couldn't concentrate that well. She knew why. Naruto was at his house…_with another woman!_

It burned Sakura up like there was more than enough firewood. She hated feeling like this. _She_ was first! He had chased _her_ around for all those years. Why did it have to change. Did she do something wrong?

_You mean before or after you treated him like shit on your shoe?_ Inner Sakura asked. She grunted and shoved the mental apparition away.

Naruto was by all rights _hers._ How dare any woman, especially those who knew them both, try and get in on that. It didn't matter that Sakura had never told Naruto she liked his company or how much she relied on his antics and his words to get her through the day. He knew she wasn't out going.

_You were with Sasuke_.

Dammit.

Even her fucking _conscience_ was making fun of her. It didn't help when she and Ino did that to the Ramen bar girl. She had never seen Naruto that angry, at _her_ none the less! Imagine! Naruto angry at _her!_

_How could you do that Sakura?! What is wrong with you! What did she _ever_ do to you? You know what…_NO! _I don't care! I want you to apologize to her _right now Sakura!

Talking to her like she was a _child!_ It was only a little joke. And he was so mad…and forceful…

Naruto had actually grabbed her arm and marched her down to the girl's home and made her and Ino apologize there on the street like two little girls. And ever since then, for the damndest reason Sakura's ass ached whenever she remembered him pulling her away. That, coupled with the feeling of being scolded by her parents, made her feel like she was, quite literally, a dog that had peed the carpet.

She was, mentally, Naruto's _bitch_.

Why did he make her _feel like this?!_ Why did he seem to grow better and better each day and she only felt like that pathetic girl trying to hide her forehead with her bangs?

She rubbed it then. The bane of her life. Well that and her mosquito bump titties. She looked down at them and cursed. "Why are you so small? Naruto likes busty girls…" she said to them.

And how did she know this? Tsunade. Her mentor had told Sakura about how Naruto was grown into a man. Sakura asked why and Tsunade replied thusly: 'Because he looked at me today like a woman not his grandmother. If he looked any harder at my cleavage he would have fallen in.'

"You would have loved that wouldn't you Tsunade-sensei?" Who was Sakura fooling? Naruto nuzzling her chest would be fun too.

_I wish Naruto would spank _me Tenten says. "She doesn't even have the ass for it…looks like a slab of wood back there. But she _does_ have breasts, big ones that…UGH!"

Sakura ran her fingers through her hair. She was obsessed with her lack of boobs and her friends' over abundance of them. It was what made her feel so insecure and childlike and told her what she had to do. She looked at her drawer and pulled out a scroll. It had been a birthday present from Tsunade. It contained in it a special jutsu only one person in all of Konoha had mastered.

And it was her trump card.

She had wasted so much time with Naruto. And even if it took hours and hours of hot monkey, dog, bull, and any other Zodiac animal sex there was to make up for it, she would have him.

He was _her_ foxy man.

* * *

Meanwhile the blonde nin in question was looking at the floor-plan of his new home. He was trying to figure out what Yui and he would need to have a nice home. He was also, desperately, trying to find a spare bedroom for her. While sleeping with a very beautiful and devoted woman was good, he felt that things would get crazy if he didn't rectify the situation sometime soon. 

Naruto had a feeling for crazy, especially considering he felt Jiraya was near, very near. He hated to think he had picked up some kind of 'Pervert Sensor' after living with that fool for so long. He shook.

_I can tell when he's watching me._ Naruto sighed. _Is it arrogant to think he's only here to screw up my life?_

"Are you okay Naruto-sama?" Yui asked. She set down some bacon, toast and jam. Naruto made himself a sandwich and ate it.

"Yeah. So we're almost packed right?"

"Yes all that is left is the couch and the other furniture. I believe we should go to the building and see if we have any obstacles in the way of the move."

"Go there? We may run into Ino."

"Yes she does work at the flower shop correct? Well is that so bad?"

"Yui-chan…let me tell you about Ayame-chan for a second."

As Naruto told what happened, Yui's mouth gaped. She heard everything, the Yamanaka family jutsu, the way Sakura mastered the Kage Bunshin no jutsu just to make copies of herself to distribute the pictures faster.

"What did you do?"

Naruto blushed and rubbed the back of his head. "Well they don't really remember…"

"Why not?"

"Well I felt so strongly about what they did, I went kind of crazy…"

"How crazy? Did it involve lubrication?" Naruto sputtered and looked at her. "I guess not…"

_Is it just me or does she sound disappointed._ "No…I took Sakura and Ino over my knee and spanked them."

Yui blinked. "You what?"

Naruto continued rubbing the back of his head, "I was really mad! It was mean what they did to Ayame and they didn't even have a real reason. So to make them apologize I spanked them. Like really hard."

"So why don't they remember?"

"Well Tsunade-bachan was really, _really_ pissed at me for doing it and I felt really, _really _guilty. So she used a genjutsu on them and made them forget. When they're really old and they can't hurt me or I'm about to die I'll tell them what happened."

"But there's a chance they may remember before then?"

"Oh yeah. I pray everyday that something keeps them from looking in the mirror and remembering what I did. I can only imagine how pissed of they would be. One or the other would be bad, but both is like having the seven of the horsemen of the apocalypse on your ass."

"There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse Naruto-sama."

"Exactly."

She nodded realizing what he meant. "So what will you do?"

"Let's not talk about them. You can see what I mean later when we have the party…"

"Are you that uncomfortable around them Naruto-sama?"

"Well yeah."

"Why?"

"Sakura was my first crush. But we weren't meant to be I think. I saw her less and less as what I thought she was. I do love Sakura-chan. Nothing will change that, but…"

"You don't want to risk making her unhappy."

"Yeah. And Ino is weird. You and I are alike right?" She nodded. "Well it's the same with her. On a mission some guy thought we were brother and sister! I can have fun with her, I saw that on the same mission, but at the same time she does things just to get on my nerves!"

"Anyone else."

"What?"

"Is there any other girls like that?"

Naruto looked at her. "Three. Hinata, Temari, and Tenten. Hinata has had a crush on me since we were in the academy. Temari is one of the sexiest and strongest women I know that I can at least talk to. And Tenten…"

"Is just plain sexy?"

"It's creepy you said that, but yeah." He looked uncomfortable, "Yui…this may seem odd but I have to know…"

"Yes, Naruto-sama, I find women sexually attractive. Joya influenced me a little in that regard."

_A little? I bet. That's like saying Tsunade influences some people to become MILF hunters. _"Okay…now that _that_ is out of the way I think we should not talk about this ever again. _Ever_."

"Why? What if I see a woman that I like? And I think you will like her as well?" he gaped at her. "We like the same kinds of food so-"

"NO!" Naruto said standing. When she looked at him like he was crazy he sat back down, "Yui, we're a lot a like, but I cannot see how women are related to food. I don't eat women. I don't cover women in noodles, put them in soup with an egg yolk and flavor them with miso or pork."

"Apparently Sakura-san does,"

Naruto glared at her, "Smart ass." Yui grinned. Naruto threw up his hands and shook his head, "Let's get past this. We do need to go check out the building. I just wanted to warn you about Ino."

"Naruto-sama I am not that weak. If they tried to do that to me if you did not approve I would kill them," her tone was so chilling Naruto could see it happening.

"How about you _don't_ and just bring them to Tsunade-bachan? They're good girls they just have some crazy moments."

"All women have crazy moments when it comes to men they love." Naruto sputtered again. "They attacked a girl they barely knew and embarrassed her in such a way? Yes they were trying to get rid of the competition. I predict that soon they may turn on each other."

"Yui-chan that's horrible."

* * *

While Naruto _did_ want to go see the new building he had promised Tsunade-bachan that they would meet up with Kakashi. So he and Yui headed for the normal meeting place of Team 7. the three log posts were so old by now Tsunade had been asked by some instructors to have them replaced. Sakura was there waiting as usual. She smiled when she saw Naruto, but it quickly turned into a frown when she saw Yui. Even more so when she saw Yui was in civilian clothes. 

And Yui, because of her breast binding while in uniform, was _much_ larger than he had been just yesterday. Sakura's eye twitched. _Those…are big squishy titties…when did I get so crazy?_

_When you realized you were in love with a guy whose given up hope on going out with you. And when you didn't grow a centimeter since puberty._

"God dammit…" Sakura suddenly wished she had some of Tsunade's _special medicine._

"Hey Sakura-chan!" Naruto called happily waving his hand.

Sakura felt herself grow a little more relaxed. While Sakura _would_ have to resort to extremes to become his love muffin, she did love him. Yui and Naruto stopped next to her and Yui stepped forward.

She bowed and then rose with a kind smile, "Hello I am Noumaki Yui, Naruto-sama's retainer, I am glad to meet you Haruno Sakura, I have heard a lot about you," Yui said. Naruto gave her a glance. She looked back at him. She smiled.

"I'm…yeah meet you to," she said.

"Yo everyone." Kakashi appeared in a cloud of smoke. Naruto and Sakura gasped. "What?"

"YOU'RE ON TIME?!" Sakura and Naruto instantly forced him to sit down. Sakura drew a scroll and summoned a bag of medical tools and immediately began to examine him.

He disappeared and reappeared next to Yui. "I'm not sick. Today is just special. I'm afraid I'm announcing the disbanding of Team 7." Sakura and Naruto gasped again. "Sakura, you'll be transferred to the Medic division for your captain's training. Naruto, you and Yui are going to be given a new commander and put on higher ranked missions. Also I believe the commander will be chosen to teach you both new techniques you'll need for future promotions.

"I just wanted you two to know that I'm going to miss going on missions with you. Watching you grow has been one of the best times in my life. Also Naruto…"

"Yeah?" Naruto asked, he was obviously trying not to cry.

Should I tell him? If I do…he'll have advanced warning…Eh…Nah. He's a smart kid he'll deal with it. Besides Jiraya should be fixing things about now. "Never mind. I'll be sure to show up for your party. And Yui-chan," he said turning to his student's double. She looked at him. He saw her Mist-Ninja heritage flash a little in her eyes, "It was nice to meet you. Take care of the knucklehead for me." 

"Yes. I will Kakashi-san. It is an honor to meet the fabled Copy Ninja," she said. "I would like to ask before you go." He looked at her, obviously interested, "Have you taught Naruto Suiton (Water Element Jutsu)?" he nodded. "What was the highest technique he has learned. I wish to know where to start off on my lessons."

Kakashi thought back, "I think he mastered the Suigadan (Water Fang Bullet) last week. Oi Naruto! What was the last Suiton I taught you?"

Naruto thought for a second, "The Shockwave thing…where I make a lot of water?"

"Oh yeah…"

Yui was gape mouthed as she looked at Naruto and Kakashi. "That technique is…your chakra level must be incredible!"

"Yeah…ask him to show you the Tajuu Kage Bunshin no jutsu some time. Well I have to go take care of some things so I'll see you all later." And with that he slowly vanished in a flurry of leaves.

"So this is the end of Team 7…" Naruto whispered with a little bit of melancholy. He saw that Sakura had a slightly sad look on her face, "Hey don't cry Sakura-chan! This way you can finally be in charge of a medic team like you wanted! Tsunade-bachan will have to watch her back if she wants to stay the best Med-Nin in the Leaf soon eh?" he asked giving her a thumbs up.

Sakura's sadness left her. "You bet! Hey Naruto want to get something to eat?" she asked.

"Sorry Sakura-chan, Yui-chan and I are gonna eat with her sensei then check out our new house. You can come if you want?"

Sakura felt sick. She had forgotten Yui was there. The girl was so close to him now it was like a big barrier. A big breasty barrier. Our_ new house._ He said. "No…I'm fine…I'll eat with Ino…or someone…"

"Alright!" Naruto nodded and turned toward Yui who was waiting for him. And Naruto left with Yui.

Sakura clenched her fists. _Little hussy…I'll use it…I _have_ to use it._

She fingered the scroll in her gear bag and prepared to work the hardest she ever had in her entire life. After all, Naruto was a truly insurmountable challenge.

And Sakura was going to be damned if she _wasn't_ the first to mount him!

* * *

Ino looked at her best friend. "You're going to what?" 

Sakura smirked and held up what appeared to be a very old and musty technique scroll, "I'm going to master this technique and win Naruto over once and for all."

Her tone made Ino bristle. For some reason Ino didn't like that Sakura was taking the initiative, but they _were_ friends. And Sakura may be the dumbest smart girl Ino had ever met…but she was going to help if she could. "Hey…here's a really crazy idea Forehead…why not _tell_ him you like him?"

Sakura took on the look Ino usually only saw on some kinds of monkeys. "That won't work."

Ino sighed and nearly fell over, "Why not?" Sakura arched her back and patted her bust, or lack thereof. "Forehead…even _I_ know that Naruto won't care. Look! Just because you can serve small candies out of your tits doesn't mean Naruto won't at least go out with you. In fact there's a good chance he's _tired_ of big breasts!"

"Men never get tired of big breasts…" Sakura said sadly.

_You've got me there…_"Okay so what does that technique do that will ensure you'll become Naruto's, excuse the pun, main squeeze?"

Sakura smiled. "I'll tell you if you agree to go along with me! I'll need your help getting that Yui girl out of the way!"

Ino's ass suddenly felt sore for some reason. She rubbed the soreness away and looked at Sakura, "I don't think so. I mean last time Naruto was _really_ mad. That was for just messing with a girl who served him food! What do you think will happen if we try to do anything to _her?_"

Sakura lowered her head. "So even _you're_ against me now Ino? Well then so be _it!_ I'LL SHOW YOU! ALL OF YOU WITH YOUR GIANT MAMMARY GLANDS!"

_Giant mammary glands? Girl has _lost_ it_

"YOU'LL ALL SEE! YOU COW CHESTED BITCHES! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

And with that Haruno Sakura ran out of Konohagakure no Sato laughing. Ino stood at the door to her flower shop and watched her go.

Kakashi watched his only female student ran off. He sighed. "For some reason I don't think Tsunade gave her the scroll she thinks she does…" he looked at the _pure awesome_ in his hand and looked toward the Hokage tower.

_Jiraya you old motherfu…_

* * *

"You old bastard!" Joya said as Jiraya entered Tsunade's office. The oldest of the three ninja grabbed the Sannin's collar and shook him. "I WANT MY MONEY BACK!" 

"Give me a minute to say hello first! Damn woman! Besides I have important business with Tsunade!" Joya let him go and grumbled as she went back to work.

Both of the Sannin noticed their friend was making violent large ugly 'X's instead of signing things now. Jiraya decided he better get down to business ad get the hell out before Joya realized he had taken a bit more than the hotel fees.

"Well…uh Tsunade I came here to suggest a new commander for Naruto and the girl."

"Barring the fact I don't want to know how you know about that…who is it?" Jiraya pulled out a slip of paper and gave it to her. Tsunade looked at it and crumpled the paper in her hand. She looked at Jiraya and said through clenched teeth, "_Fuck…no…"_

Jiraya snorted. "Hell…yes…"

Tsunade grunted, "Listen Jiraya…I know you feel strongly about how Naruto should be taught but I don't see how…_this person_…could possibly contribute to the future Hokage's mindset."

Jiraya sighed. He didn't want to do this. But he _had to_. Kakashi _was_ a genius after all. And when a genius made a plan a few people had to be embarrassed before it would be appreciated.

"Tsunade…do you know how I taught Naruto about sex?" he asked.

"What the hell?"

"Do you know what I did to teach Naruto about sex?"

"Let him read your novels?" Joya suggested, now interested and slightly less angry.

"No. While I accept Naruto is a smart boy, he doesn't do so good with descriptions even as vivid as my own, it's better to show him if you know what I mean. So I used a media that left less to be pondered." Jiraya held up a small CD in a case.

Tsunade blinked. "You showed him a porn video? God Jiraya do you know how horrible you are?"

"Listen Tsunade, you may want to pay attention…this is a very _important_ porn video. It was one I worked on for days to get it right. I've also had it touched up and made a little bit better with footage made after the fact."

"So what the hell does it have to do with me?"

Jiraya smiled, "It's kinda funny you ask _that_ of all questions."

Tsunade suddenly turned pale. "You didn't."

"It's amazing what you can do with digital technology these days. I can bleep out names, do mosaics or censor bars on faces, add soundtracks…"

Tsunade took hold of her desk to steady herself. "You…you told me it was for _personal use!_" she screeched.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! I didn't _charge_ him to watch it."

"Mune-hime…what is on that disc?"

Jiraya smiled as big as he good, "Tsunade and I have had _two_ intimate encounters in our long and loving relationship. This video is the result of special mix and matching done of them. It makes Kunai Bangers 4, look like Smexy Mission Scrolls 8."

"Daaaaaamn…" Joya sighed. She eyed the disc like a man in the desert eyes water…

With a sexy naked chick in it.

"YOU USED A VIDEO OF ME TO TEACH NARUTO ABOUT SEX?!" Tsunade suddenly realized. "DO YOU KNOW HOW WRONG THAT IS! HE'S STARTED TO GIVE ME _MOTHERS DAY _PRESENTS JIRAYA! _MOTHER'S_ DAY PRESENTS!" she screamed. She charged from her chair and grabbed Jiraya's collar. "ARE YOU SURE HE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS ME! ARE YOU SURE!"

He nodded vigorously. "I made sure Tsunade! But I also made sure…" he revealed a second disc, this time the case was completely black, "to make an uncensored version. Just for occasions like this."

"You wouldn't dare…" she hissed at him.

He smiled, "You know me better than that Tsunade!" The lighthearted face fell and he became very serious. "It's already in Naruto's DVD player. All I have to do is turn his building's power back on and he goes straight to hour five, minute fifteen, second three…"

Tsunade shook very badly. "Not…you…why are you so evil…"

"I only do what I must!" he said smiling. She let him go and stalked back to her desk. She sat down and began to write on a scroll.

"I hate you Jiraya,"

In complete unison Joya and Jiraya said, "I love your ass!"

She broke her fountain pen. "I'll do it…but now I would like a little time alone with the only one who _really _loves me!" she said as she pulled out and Igloo cooler. "Go…leave me and my ass alone…" she said as she took out a large mug.

"We'll see you later Tsunade-hime!" Jiraya said as he and Joya exited as fast as they could. "Why are you following me?" Jiraya asked as he stopped on top of a building at the base of the Hokage Monument.

"You know why Ero-Sannin."

Jiraya winced, _He's still calling me that around people? Damn brat I bleed and bleed for him and he never shows me any respect…_"Oh…this?" he asked wagging the black case.

"Oh yes…" Joya was almost drooling.

"You know the usually price…"

Joya snapped out of it. She held her elbow and tapped her fingers against it. "And that includes?" He looked at her. "I know you Jiraya. The last time we had a deal like this I learned how to use a few ninja tools I never heard of before. So has the price gone up?"

He tapped the disc, "I'll have you know that I was not thinking of anything past our usual transactions. But since this is a desired item…"

"Ugh fine let's get it over with!"

Jiraya blinked. "What?"

"Do you know how long it has been?! I could care less if it was with a half flaccid accountant nerd! At least _you_ have some experience."

Jiraya tensed up and actually looked angry, "I'll have you know-"

"Blah, blah, blah. Let's go," Joya grabbed Jiraya's collar and dragged him off. for once in his life, Jiraya wasn't scared of a woman because she wanted to hurt him.

_This won't end well…_

* * *

Jiraya was wrong. 

It ended _very_ well.

Joya panted. She was on her hands and knees. Her toes were curled under her feet, pulling the sheets into a bunch. As Jiraya finished she clenched her hands and knotted up the sheets even more. Her silver hair was plastered to her face, her mask tied tightly to prevent it from sliding off.

She felt his thrusts slow; the oddly satisfying feeling of being filled entered her. Jiraya's hands, which had been grasping her hips _just_ hard enough, let go and slid up her back and massaged her shoulders. He set his knees down and adjusted his position to take up a neutral pose as he finished.

Jiraya let himself fall forward and put his weight on her back. She tried to buck him off but he merely smacked her rear with one hand and tweaked her nipple with the other. She cooed and let him stay. He moved his hands around to her perky breasts and squeezed them hard.

"Ooh…so rough Jiraya-sama." Joya sighed when Jiraya got up and removed himself. He sat back against the hotel bed's headboard.

"_I'm_ rough? What about _these_?" he asked pointing to his shoulders. She saw the deep bite marks on them and she grinned evilly.

"Well if you were gentler I wouldn't need the extra grip Jiraya-_sama_."

Jiraya ignored her retort and bent over the side of the bed. She watched him, sitting like a cat, as he revealed the DVD. She squealed and happily took it from him. She kissed his cheek and hurried to the Television and player provided.

"You're going to watch it _now?_ And people call _me_ a horny bastard," he snorted. She grinned again as she switched the channel to watch it. "Hey take that mask off already it's getting annoying. Knowing you we'll be doing it again before the first few minutes are up."

"Aw…does Jiraya-sama not fear my hideous face?" she asked as she picked up the remote and sat down at the edge of the bed. Jiraya growled and grabbed the hair at the base of her neck. "Hey! Let go!" he ripped her hair, her face, and the veil off in one swift motion.

Joya glared at him with her golden eyes. Her face was as wrinkled as Sakura's. She stuck her tongue out at him. He examined her mask and nodded approvingly, "Wow…this is a complete cover all prosthetic…old school." He looked at her. "I wondered why your 'Special Mist Drugs' kept your body young, fit and sexy but left your face to rot."

Joya looked away from her current sex partner and regarded the screen, "You did an interactive menu?" she asked. He shrugged. "Well yeah I wasn't allowed out of the village, even after I became an advisor to the Mizukage so I had to have a trump card. Since it was a mask I didn't have an abnormal chakra signature and I could take it off if I needed ingredients for Yui's medicines."

"She _does_ have something wrong with her?"

"She _did_ before we got the seal right."

"Seal?"

Joya used the remote to shuffle through the scenes. "Dammit! Why didn't you add pictures too!"

"I like being mysterious. What seal?"

"The Fourth went to the Mist one day remember? Over that whole Kisame thing," Jiraya nodded, "And when he saw me he asked for a private viewing. Even if you wanted to would you stop him?" Jiraya shook his head, "So I…'Dance of the Thorned Chrysanthemum?' The fuck is _wrong_ with you?" Joya asked as she looked back at him.

"More than I can count, the Fourth?"

"Oh yeah!" she turned back to the screen, "Well I told old Blondy about Yui being half demon and he gave me a scroll with an incomplete seal. When Yui turned three we put it on her, and had to change it every two months until she was six to get it right. That's when she and Naruto started dreaming about each other…" Joya looked at a title of a chapter then back at Jiraya.

He blinked at her, "What?"

"'Three Gates of Heavenly Corruption'? You sick bastard…"

"You want to watch it…" he countered.

Joya sighed and decided to just push play. As it started the title rolled up. "You gave it…opening credits. No wonder Mune-hime hates you…I mean…hell you even put her damn name in here! What the hell? 'Produced by the man whose name hushes the sinister spoken plans of scheming enemies. The man with a talent all his own. The man whose power overshadows all who harm the righteous and the good: Jiraya the Toad Hermit?" Joya watched as a variation of that went for the director, leading male role, _supporting_ male role, and anything else Jiraya did.

Joya scowled at him and he pointed to the screen, she turned her head back and her eyes widened as she saw Tsunade. She was wearing an adorable Slug Kimono. Her face was red and she was obviously embarrassed. "You used a tripod didn't you?"

"I have a pride in my work no one seems to understand."

Joya sighed but went back to attention as Tsunade began to speak, "I am Tsunade of the Sannin. I just turned twenty-seven. I know I'm no spring chicken anymore but I'm sure I'll please you. Would you like to see my _secret weapon techniques_?"

"I can't believe you got her to say that." Tsunade grabbed the belt of her dress and pulled it off. Joya leaned in as she saw the greatest thing in the world. Well _her_ world anyway.

"Oh my god…"

Tsunade was wearing the special Victoria's Secret Weapon Konoha edition garter-belt, corset, crotch-less panties, and stocking set. Joya gulped as she traced the red and black lace around each piece of the set. Her eyes were drawn to all the right places. Tsunade had expertly shaved every part of her body leaving it soft and bare. She had a light tan that was glowing from the simple light of the room's lamps.

Tsunade also had her nipples pierced.

Joya was in heaven.

She suddenly paused the video. "Why'd you do that?" Jiraya asked. He had gotten off the bed and had gone to the bathroom. He was currently putting his pants back on.

Joya raised her hand and dropped the remote. A pair of kunai appeared in its place. She threw them and Jiraya's boxers and pants fell to pieces around his ankles. "Why'd you do _that_?" he asked.

"You can put the mesh back on…" she licked her lips. "…and that's all."

_Okay…_this_ won't end well._

* * *

At the time Jiraya and Joya were inspecting each other's private areas Naruto and Yui were standing outside their new home. It was a large two story building that was similar to Ino's home without the Flower shop below it. All in all it was one of the larger homes available in Konoha. 

Naruto knew it had a floor plan, and that plan allowed for a guest bedroom that was only large enough for a small single bed and a nightstand while the master bedroom had enough room for large canopy bed and three dressers on each side!

He wouldn't put Yui in that guest bedroom so he decided sleeping with her wasn't that bad. He wasn't planning on entering any relationships soon anyway. And with new, deadlier missions, there was the chance they wouldn't spend much time here anyway.

"Shizune-neechan said she would bring the key right?" Naruto asked. They had called and Shizune had said she would be waiting for them after lunch.

"Hey Naruto," they heard.

The two blondes looked up and saw a third, Ino, walking toward them. "Shizune-san had to take care of Tsunade suddenly so she gave me the key for you two," she held out her hand, as Naruto reached for it she closed her hand around it and pulled back, "Naruto aren't you going to introduce me?" she asked playfully.

He smiled and rubbed the back of his head, "Oy yeah sorry Ino-chan. Yui-chan this is Yamanaka Ino she's one of the best Kunoichi for infiltration in the village. Ino-chan this is Noumaki Yui, my new roommate."

Ino and Yui shook hands and Ino handed Naruto the key. He took it and was about to turn toward the building when he looked at Ino. "Hey wanna come in with us?"

"What?"

"Well I wanted to ask you about what kind of plants would be good. Yui-chan doesn't have the green thumb we do Ino-chan," he explained.

Ino looked at Yui who was smiling sadly and looking at the ground, "alright. If you think it's safe to be alone with me Naruto." She raised an eyebrow in a sly gesture.

"I would stop her from raping you Naruto-sama," Naruto winced as he unlocked the door. He laughed weakly and opened the door for them.

"Ladies first," he said nervously. The two entered and Ino opened the blinds. The building was pre-furnished. It had some basic furniture, better than at least what Naruto had. The guest bedroom already had the bed and stand. Ino grimaced when she saw the curtains. She would need to help them.

Naruto said he would head upstairs while Yui look at the kitchen. It was big and had a good clean oven. The fridge had some old food in it, which she promptly made put in a trashcan by the island. She tied the bag and threw it out the back door.

Naruto was looking around the bedroom. They had cleared out all but a make up mirror and stand. It was in the huge closet that had room for about three women's clothes. No wait…only two.

He walked back downstairs and saw that Ino and Yui were looking at each other over the island. "Something wrong?" he asked.

"No," they both answered. "I'm just looking at how different you two are. It's really crazy Naruto. If I saw you two on the street I would think twins. But when I look at her like this," she looked at him intently, the gaze was a little unsettling, "and you like this, the differences are glaring, like a bright light. It's really odd."

Naruto shrugged. "What do you two think?"

Ino sighed and put her hands on her hips. "You need different curtains. All new stuff. And the colors don't go with you, either of you, at all."

Yui nodded in agreement.

Naruto rubbed his chin. "Well we'll start the move in tomorrow morning. Ino will you be free to help us pick stuff out?"

"What?" she asked.

"You obviously have ideas. I'd love to see what you and Yui-chan have in mind."

Ino blushed and Yui made a note of it. "Al-alright. I'm due for a new mission soon so I can't make any promises but-"

"That's fine. We may be moving out soon too. It's getting late. Let's head back home. I wanna call a few people and see if they'll help us move," he explained. Yui nodded.

The three blondes left the house and Naruto locked the building up. "It was nice to meet you Ino-san," Yui said as she bowed. Naruto waved and the two of them left Ino to herself.

"Bye Naruto…"

* * *

Sakura panted furiously. She looked at her work. The first part of the technique had been mastered. She was so tired. Thankfully she had made sure to bring plenty of supplies. She sat under a tree and ate her healthy and completely disgusting 'Bust Enhancer X000' bar. 

She had completed the first stage in only a few hours. The next one would be harder, much harder. But if she worked hard she would be able to master it by the time Naruto would be getting ready to redo his building. If that Yui girl had any sense of color or fashion, as Sakura had seen the house, she would try and work it over to match.

"And won't she be surprised when I show up after she did all that work and has to leave…"

Sakura laughed. She laughed as loud and long as she could. The world was filled with her insane laughter.

"I'LL GET YOU, YOU COW! MUAHAHAHAHAA!"

* * *

A/N: Man! Drama! And lemon...well partially anyway! There _may_ be lemons later on. I don't know if I would post them on or just keep them to be sent to any fan who wants to read them. 

Also I have some of the pairings set, once the boys are introduced I think you'll see what I'm planning. The first chapter will be changed after the visible summary for the story to include the first few pairings I've decided on.


	5. The Hard Way

A/N: This is the complete premium holy shit lemon package. Enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 5

Tsunade tapped her fingers against her tabletop. Sitting in her home in her kitchen at her small table she put her head on her left fist and glared at her fridge. It had been a long day, what with learning a kid she was almost a mother to had seen her not only _naked_ but have nearly every form of sex known to man.

And some only known to animals…

But that wasn't on her mind at the moment; right now she was slightly annoyed. A bit peeved. A little put off.

Fuck that, she was _mad_.

Joya had left, given at her request, and had never come back. She had left a good bit of work on her desk, which Tsunade had to do in her place by the by. That wasn't really what she was worried about though. She was angrier about the fact she had left with Jiraya after that horrible revelation.

God would she even be able to look Naruto in the face again? I mean some of the stuff on there was pretty…

"Kinky isn't the word for it." She sighed and looked down at her body. "Well in the of chance he sees me naked again he won't be able to tell it's me unless I change back completely…I'm about thirty four now…and I'm talking to myself."

She cursed and went to her refrigerator. As she pulled out a leftover slice of pizza she heard the door open and looked toward the front of her house. Joya appeared in the doorway without either her aged face or her veil.

"Yo," she said.

"Don't 'Yo' me," Tsunade hissed.

"What did I do?"

Tsunade closed her fridge door, a little harder than she had to, and grabbed Joya. The aged ninja gulped as she was hefted up and shaken. She cried out as all of the things in her pockets clattered to the floor. Tsunade saw a disc in a black case and snatched it up.

"_This_!" Tsunade snarled waving it in Joya's face. She put it in her hands as if she was going to break it. Joya stopped her with a quick replacement. "GIVE ME THAT! I CANNOT HAVE THAT EXIST!"

"Why not? It's not like Naruto is in the habit of coming to your house and rummaging around is it?"

Tsunade's face burned, "No, but I…I don't want anyone to have that except Jiraya…even _him_ having it gives me the worst feeling ever…"

"I bet it does," Joya said smirking.

"What?"

"I saw them awhile ago…but are they still pierced?" she asked. Tsunade turned crimson. Even her forehead was bright red. "I just wanna see!"

Tsunade crossed her arms over her chest and puffed out her cheeks. "Leave me alone!" she cried as she tried to move past Joya. The older of the two women stopped her and hugged her.

"I'm sorry Tsunade. I'm just playing. If you really want me to get rid of it I will." Tsunade was shocked slightly.

When she was let go Tsunade looked at the disc and gulped. "How…how was it?"

Joya smiled, "It _did_ make Kunai Bangers 4, look like Smexy Mission Scrolls 8."

Tsunade put her face in her hands, "This is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened in all my life."

"What about the time Mushi brought her mother's 'little friend' and you accidentally sat on it?" Joya asked.

If there is a redder form of crimson Tsunade turned that cooler. She made a grimace and rubbed her rear. "Okay…maybe not _that_ embarrassing…"

Joya put a hand on her friend's shoulder, "Tsunade let me tell you something, you're beautiful and sexy. I enjoyed watching this not because Jiraya is like a god with a zoom feature, but because it had you. If it was another busty blonde I would just flick my bean a few minutes and let it go! But since it's you I honor it and make sure I take my time with my enjoyment."

"Please never say that again."

"What? That I masturbated to you doing unspeakable things with very interestingly shaped devices that ran on batteries?" Tsunade mumbled something. "Whaat was that?"

She rubbed her arm and averted her eyes to the floor, "Some of them were chakra powered…"

Joya smiled and put the disc back in her pocket. "I have an idea. Let's go and pick out a nice old movie and just eat some popcorn and drink something in bed? Eh Mune-hime?" she asked. Tsunade sighed and gave her a thankful smile. "Or we could start kissing now…"

Tsunade's eyebrow twitched. "Sorry Joya, but I have _never_ kissed a woman before I doubt I'll start now…" Tsunade headed up to her bedroom.

Joya nodded, "I understand. Wholeheartedly. But is till get to grab your ass right?" Tsunade stopped dead on the stairs and winced.

"I guess…"

"YIPPEE! I'll make the popcorn you get the movie!"

_She's like a crazy girlfriend…FRIEND! FRIEND! CRAZY FRIEND! _

_God Shizune must be rubbing off on me…_

* * *

Jiraya reached out. "Help…help me…" he croaked. The nurse at the door screamed.

"DOCTOR!" she cried.

A young physician in a pair of very tasteful and functional glasses appeared at once. He looked at Jiraya. "My god man! You're Jiraya of the Sannin! What happened is there an enemy ninja?" He shook his head. "What is it Jiraya-sama?"

Jiraya pulled him close and whispered in his ear. The doctor flew up, his glasses falling off and shattering. "NURSE GET THIS MAN TO SER RIGHT AWAY!"

"SIR! SER!"

"YES! SEXUAL EMERGENCY ROOM!"

* * *

Naruto covered his mouth in a yawn as he sat down on his bed. He was about to scratch his side when Yui's nails were there again. He smiled and let himself purr a little. She enjoyed hearing the sound. Yui blushed as he let her scratch his sides.

"Ah…thanks Yui-chan. Your nails feel better than Tsunade-bachan's," he sighed.

"Tsunade-sama scratches your back?"

"Yeah whenever I get really tired out from training she comes and looks over me until I heal or recharged. She's really nice to me when I'm quiet like that and she scratches my back rubs my hair…" he looked off into the distance and Yui smiled.

_Yui let me brush your hair it's a mess. _Fine!_ Be a tomboy if you want just don't complain to me when your first love tangles his fingers in your hair and pulls some out!_

She recalled her mother acting like that. When the truth was Yai just wanted to try and reach her daughter. Yui understood that the Sandaime Mizukage was apprehensive about her in some regards. But Yui understood.

She was part demon.

"Yui are you tired at all?" Naruto asked.

"Not very Naruto-sama," she replied.

"Why don't we talk for a little bit? We know each other but we don't…_know_ each other I guess."

"What do you wish to know Naruto-sama?"

"What do you like to do? What is your dream? Why are you so strong about being my servant? Are you really as perverted as you seem or do you just pretend?"

"That's a lot," she said. Naruto blushed. She smiled. "I understand why you wish to know and I'm happy you trust em enough to ask. So let me answer the hardest first." She sat back against the wall and motioned for Naruto to sit next to her. he did as he was bade.

He nearly jumped when she kissed his cheek and began to lick his whiskers. Naruto felt his body grow hot. A feeling of liquid fire went from his cheek to his chest to his crotch.

"Yes. I am a pervert. But only around things I want," she said as she kissed him again.

"Yeah I see…" she put her head against his shoulder and looked up at him.

She grew silent and he turned his own eyes to her, "I never had a dream. Until I met you Naruto-sama. I really didn't feel like I deserved a dream. I knew Joya and my mother wanted me to be human. They saw I could act…but they didn't know if I could _really be human_. I always felt a piece of myself was missing when I was a child.

"Then I went to sleep one night like always after mother read me a story and saw a boy sitting under a big tree. He was beat up and bruised. It was you." Naruto remembered that first dream. How often did you get to talk to yourself? "When we met I felt the missing part of me fill up. Like a bucket with water or milk. And when you left again I think I gained a dream.

"I wanted to meet you and see if you always made me feel that way. And you do."

Naruto nodded, he often wondered if his dream to be Hokage would actually do what it wanted, give him the respect and attention he desired. "So is that why you want to serve me?"

"No. My mother always told me 'Yui, never bow your head to a weaker person. Man or woman. But if you meet someone stronger, politically or in the ways of ninja or warrior, you must bow. That is why we shinobi and kunoichi bow and scrape for common peasants. Because they give us our money and our humanity we are weaker than they are.

"'I want you to promise me, if the Yondaime is weaker than you feel you are, leave this place and find a stronger person to serve. That is my wish for you Yui, to find the one person you love enough to open yourself to the weakness of being human. The weakness of trust that can be a person's greatest strength.'" She grew silent as she remembered her mother.

The Mizukage cloak decorated with waves and crashing foam. Her mother's long black hair and piercing blue eyes. The strong face and terrifying level of chakra and confidence. Yui was always a little scared of her mother. It took her a few years after she finished puberty to understand why. She remembered what Joya once told her. She remembered what Joya once told her.

Yui-chan…let me give you a little advice about men and women. When you decide to go out for one look for one of two things. Look for someone completely opposite of you or someone exactly like you. You'll see the extremes of both and know where you want your true love to fall. In the middle or on one side Looking at it that way…it explains why the demon chose Yai-san. She was as blood thirsty and angry as any demon. And yet she is also the most humane human I know…looks like your father chose the straight middle. "So if I wasn't stronger than you, you wouldn't even think of serving me?" 

"Correct."

"What would you have done if I wasn't?"

"I would have done everything in my power to make you my sexual slave." Naruto winced. "Naruto-sama…"

"Yes Yui-chan?"

"What is your dream. Why do you tolerate all those people looking down on you? What keeps you in this village?" she asked.

He looked off at the dresser. All the pictures on it and all the clothes in it were packed away, but she knew he was seeing all those times the pictures had been there to remember. "I want to be Hokage. I want to be seen as a human. I stay here because even though this village was hell for me. It's also heaven." Yui looked at him. "I'm guessing the only reason you stayed in Kirigakure (Hidden Mist) was because of your mother right?" She nodded in response, "Well it's the same with me. If these people were in Kumogakure (Hidden Cloud) or even Otogakure (Hidden Sound) I would go there instead."

"But why-"

"Because when I become Hokage. When I stand on that tower and they see that _I_ Naruto the dead last, the drop out. Dobe…have made Hokage they'll know I was more than I appeared to be. And they'll be going," he made a face of surprise, "WHAT THE HELL!"

Yui burst out laughing and Naruto laughed with her. "What makes me the happiest though…" he said after their laughs had been reduced to just teary eyes, "Is that there are people who know I'm going to be Hokage and are counting on it. I have a bet going with Kiba I'll have to lose an arm before the elders will make it official…"

"By the time you are Hokage Tsunade-sama and even Joya-sensei may be elders. I know a way to convince them!" Yui said grinning.

Naruto blinked at her. She kissed him gently on the cheeks before licking his whiskers again. He shuddered. With that slight invitation she slid on top of him and began to lick and kiss his face. Naruto's body slowly moved into a laying position with Yui on top of him. She was crouched over his body like a female fox. He could see her eyes were like slits. If Naruto had a better imagination he would be seeing a playful little tail and ears to match.

He felt her purr as she pressed her breasts against his chest. The button down shirt she was wearing had come partially undone and had given a very sexy effect to the soft pieces of Yui. "Hey Yui-chan…Yui…" She nuzzled his neck and hugged him.

"I'm sorry…"

He hugged her back and kissed her exposed forehead. "It's okay Yui-chan." She looked up at him and he kissed her nose. She blushed and turned her face away. She gazed at him out of the corner of her eye. He sighed and kissed her whiskers. Like when he blew on them she shook and her face turned red.

She cooed and pressed her lower half against his. He felt a vibration from her neck as she squeezed him with her thighs. She was purring too. He stroked her cheek and she set her head down on his chest. He felt his manhood harden. Yui suddenly looked up at him. Her face was getting redder as she let the natural curve between her legs slide along the hardening edge.

"So big…" she sighed as she started kissing him. Naruto held her tighter. She licked his lips until he opened them ad she drove her tongue in. He met it. Her tongue was wet, sweet, and warm. Tickling his tongue with the tip of hers she enticed it into her own mouth where she sucked it.

Her hands found the edge of his shirt and went under it to rub his chest. Naruto smelled something husky in the air then. Heady and arousing. It was _her_ he realized. It made his own head swim. She was purring louder. It was like the drone of some sort of machine. She rose up and began to bounce gently on him like his dick was a springboard.

His hands, while at first were only holding her sides, now moved to her plumb rear. He felt it move and change shape with every lift and fall. She pouted when he squeezed too hard and dug her nails into the flesh of his stomach. He let out a small sound of aggravated lust. With known what he was doing he spanked her left cheek. Yui squealed and arched her back letting her breasts jiggle enticingly. When she retaliated by scratching his face along his whiskers he bounced her with a quick jab of his hips.

He gritted his teeth and growled. As if he had commanded her she laid back down and let her big breasts dangle over his head. He saw the candy pink of one of her areolas. The nipple itself was hard and poked through the fabric of her shirt. He directed his eyes away from it to hers and pulled her back down so he was looking at her straight in the eyes. While the feeling of her body pressed to his was enticing, very much so, Naruto decided to just let it end there for tonight.

"Naruto-sama…" she whispered.

"Yes Yui-chan?"

"Can we do this every night?" she smiled.

He smiled. "Pervert…" Obviously embarrassed she looked away and when she fidgeted as if to get off of him he held her tight and rubbed her face harder along the lines. She made a little squeak. "Alright…but this is as far as it ever goes." He kissed her and she started to rub his belly and sides with her hips.

Yeah…_right_.

* * *

Tsunade looked down at Jiraya. "You brought this on yourself," she said as blood was pumped back into him. Tsunade was sitting beside his bed, while Joya had to wait outside.

SER (1) Procedure states that the one who _made_ the sexual emergency must stay away from the victim until twenty-four hours after all fluids are replaced.

"Shut-up," he grunted as he crossed his arms over his bare chest. Tsunade saw about fifteen extra scars there.

"Did Naruto go crazy during training again?" she asked.

"NO! SOMEONE WENT CRAZY BUT IT WASN'T NARTUO! THAT BITCH IS PSYCHO!"

"YOU DIDN'T COMPLAIN WHEN YOU WERE BEHIND ME!" Joya commented from out side, "_ALL THE WAY_ I MAY ADD."

"Jiraya, because I technically run this hospital and have certain obligations and horrendous amounts of paperwork that I don't want to do, what did you two do last night?"

"WHAT DIDN'T WE DO!" he screamed. "After the fifth time…FIFTH TIME! She pulled out my manuscripts for _ALL SIX_ Make-Out novels and read them for ideas…WHILE_ RIDING ME_ LIKE A PONY!"

"I MULTI-TASK LIKE A MUTHERFU-"

"_Thank you Joya!_" Tsunade intervened. She sighed. "You should have known better than to have shown her the tape. Do you know why the Mist are so vicious Jiraya?"

"Their women have gills and generally look or smell like fish?"

"I HAD SUSHI FOR LUNCH DAMMIT!"

"QUIET YOU!" Tsunade raved, "No Jiraya. The reason is Mist ninja are given special drugs to enhance their performance. But these drugs are pulled from the glands of certain animals. Sharks, dolphins, catfish, any fish that has a general angsty or angry disposition are what they use," she ticked off her fingers, "Sadly when too much male dolphin protein is put in the sexual rage some dolphin males go into carries over."

"So because she has the nut juice of a big fish in her _I _have to suffer?" he asked.

"THEY'RE MAMMALS HELLO?!" Joya called back.

"SHUT UP!" Tsunade hissed. "Basically yes. But because of last night I think Joya's libido is in check."

"DEPENDS IF A CERTAIN _PRINCESS_ KEEPS HER BIG TITTIES IN SOMETHING STRONGER THAN A VICTORIA'S SECRET WEAPON CATALOG ORDER!"

Tsunade stood up and opened the door. "Excuse me Jiraya," she said as she grabbed Joya. "Come with _me_," she hissed at her comrade and threw her into a closet. Jiraya noted Joya had put her mask back on. Tsunade followed and cracked her knuckles.

"Tsunade what are you doing? What's with the broom…"

SNAP! 

"Oh god…Tsunade…no…please…NOT THERE! OH-GYAAAAAAAAAH!"

Jiraya winced. As he did he made a pen and scroll appear from nowhere. _Make-Out Paradise, the Third Option. Volume one: Make-Out Court! Ha! Jiraya you are a genius!_

* * *

Earlier that day, around the time Tsunade was receiving a call saying Jiraya was in a critical and sexy position, Naruto woke up. Yui had finally given up her little 'rub down' session when she fell asleep. She had clung to Naruto through the night and Naruto had about four or five hours of sleep. Every time he tried to pull or push her off she would dig her nails in and start…what did she do?

He tried it again.

_Puuurrrrrr._ Her body was vibrating against his own. It was undeniably sexy and disturbing to a degree Naruto had never even heard of.

"Yui-chan," he whispered to her. She didn't let go, in fact she held on tighter. "We have to get up Yui-chan. It's time to-"

"Mate…" she mumbled in her sleep. She began to gyrate against him.

Oh god… 

That smell again. It wasn't just coming from her vagina anymore. It was coming from her _pores._ She was sweating it or excreting it and getting it all over him. Naruto's eye twitched. If he had to deal with any more of the stuff his nose would go crazy, along with his penis.

"Mate…mate…mate…mate…matematematematemate," she chanted.

"Okay…that's it. No more…" Naruto did the only thing he knew what to do. He had learned from Ino and Sakura, when a girl was bad, she had to be disciplined. "Forgive me Yui-chan…"

Naruto raised his hand and slammed it down as hard as he could against her rear. She yelped and sat up at once. She looked around as if she had been attacked by an unknown enemy. She started and looked down at Naruto. She then spied her self.

_Judging from Naruto-sama's face, the throbbing of my buttocks, and the _amazing_ level of arousal…I probably was having a naughty dream._

"For-forgive me, Naruto-sama," she said bowing.

"If you get off of me, and stop making that smell…I will," he sighed. She obeyed right away scrambling to his side as he sat up. He looked down at his morning wood and back at her.

"Would you like some help?" she asked smiling.

"Like what?"

Never ask.

Yui grabbed Naruto's face and forced him back down. He grunted. Yui was _strong_ almost as strong as Sakura! She made several seals and Naruto's limbs felt like they were made of solid lead (2).

"What did you do?!" he asked trying to move.

"Naruto-sama I'm going to try and relieve you of your arousal. There are two ways to do this I know of. One involves complete intercourse."

Naruto growled, "This is not the time for sex Yui."

She slid her hand against his cheek and massaged his whiskers, "I feel the same way. So I am going to give you," she whispered in his ear.

"How the hell is foam coffee gonna help me?" he snarled.

She giggled, "You know so much about a woman's body but yet so innocent…I'm going to give you a blow job Naruto-sama."

Naruto's eyes widened. "Uh…no…that's fine! It'll go down! I know it will!"

"I know it will _not_. You see Naruto because I am half demon the smell I give off, my pheromones, are close to a hundred times as powerful than that of a normal woman. There is a chance if I _don't_ do this…" she nudged the area that was Naruto's penis tip, "_this_ will not go away for several days."

He gulped. His eye twitched. He suddenly felt very, _very_ dirty. Because part of him knew it was wrong. He was taking advantage of Yui in the worst way. But they say you can't force the willing. And man _was_ she willing…

But it's _Yui-chan_. She was, literally, his dream girl. She was sweet and shared the same dark lonely past. She was pulling down his boxers.

What? "OH GOD!" she cried as it leapt up. Naruto blushed violently. He didn't know why but Yui had the look of someone who is completely afraid of something, and at the same time worshipping it like a god.

She took hold of the base. Naruto's eyes rolled backward. _Please let it be over fast…I don't think this is right! I don't want Yui-chan to feel obligated just because she does this to me!_

"Naruto-sama…would you like me to use my breasts as well?"

"Sure go a-NO! _NO! _DON'T DO ANYTHING!"

"But I must Naruto-sama. It is for your own good. I also wish to know you intimately."

"Then take a picture and let me go!"

"Forgive me for disobeying Naruto-sama but Joya-sensei taught me _hands on_ was always better."

Naruto suddenly knew why he felt dirty. This had happened _almost exactly _like Jiraya's second novel, Make-Out Violence. He was _living_ his master's wet dream. The old bastard had planned this.

He knew it. He had planned to make Naruto's life hell! He had planned for Yui-chan to do something perverted and inappropriate for people who only knew each other for about three days! He wanted her to slowly lick his head and move down his shaft taking him-wait…

"OH GOD YOU'RE DOING IT!" he screamed.

Yui had taken the first 8 centimeters of his penis already. She stopped and looked at him. "Do you wish me to stop?"

"How can you talk?" he couldn't believe he was about to say this but, "I'm like filling your whole mouth right now…"

"Very easily. Joya-sensei taught me the art of ventriloquism."

_That old bitch did it for _just_ this kind of thing I bet. I _knew_ she was too much like Ero-Sannin to be a coincidence. She's probably one of his little hussies! She's probably sitting in his hideout laughing over this now!_

As we all know Joya _wished_ she was laughing with Jiraya.

_Well Naruto just think happy thoughts. Okay…wait! No! Not happy thoughts! _Nasty _thoughts! Things that are un-arousing! Yeah! Uh…uh…come on! Ramen! Mmm…Ayame-chan…_

Yui gasped. Naruto's penis actually hardened more.

_DAMMIT!_ _Okay…uh…uh…Joya's face! Joya's face!_

Yui let it out of her mouth and watched as it got even _harder_. "Naruto-sama…" she said in awe.

_WHAT THE FUCK IS _WRONG_ WITH ME?! Why is that arousing to me! Tsunade! That old bag! It's her fault! She's turned me into some sort of closet MILF hunter! Dammit! Damn you Tsunade! You and your fat titties!_

_Mmm-big titties…NO DAMMIT!_

"Naruto-sama if you don't stop whatever it is that is making you so excited we won't ever get this thing gone…" she said as she tapped the head. When a drop of pre-cum appeared she scooped it up on her finger and licked it off.

Naruto's eye twitched as she kept doing it like it was candy. _There is something wrong with my life…_

"I have no choice," she said as she stood up and left the bed.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

She stopped at the door and looked back at him, "I'm calling in reinforcements. This enemy is too great for me alone."

"STOP MAKING BAD PUNS AND JUST GET IT OVER WITH!" he screamed. "Wait…reinforcements? Oh god no…"

* * *

Joya glared at Tsunade. "You evil old bat…" she groaned. Currently Joya was at her desk, bent over it and grunting as her rear throbbed. Joya was no newcomer to other forms of penetration, but when your super strong ally does it with a rough piece of old wood, you _will_ feel it in the morning.

"You had to keep interrupting me," Tsunade said as she started to paint her nails. Because of Jiraya's lack of whatever Joya sucked out of him, no pun intended, and Joya's indisposed position she was taking the day off. As she looked at her different colors she decided on green. She began with her thumb as the phone rang.

Huffing she picked it up and held it between her shoulder and side of her face. "Yes? Yui? Put her through. Hello Yui what's the matter?"

"_Naruto-sama is experiencing a deadly problem. I've tried to fix it on my own but I don't have the skill for it. I was wondering if Joya-sensei could come help me._"

"Well Joya's a bit…" she looked at her female companion who glared and gave Tsunade the finger, "She's tied up right now. Is it a medical problem?"

"…" Yui was silent for a few seconds. "_It is _similar_ to a medical problem._"

"I'll come and help then. I'll be there in a few minutes," she hung up the phone before Yui had a chance to explain. Tsunade shrugged and quickly wiped off the green she had started. Having one none was better than color on just one. "I'm going to go help Naruto with something."

Joya blinked and watched her go, "What is it?"

"Yui said it's similar to a medical problem so I should be able to do _something_. It's better than watching you piss and moan about your ass."

Joya suddenly knew what was wrong. _Similar_ was code for _sexually related_. Yui had thought it up to keep Yai in the dark about why Joya gave _somewhat_ unneeded physical exams of young Nin-hunter trainees.

"Hey Tsunade…"

"Yeah?" she asked as she took the door handle.

_Should I tell her?…_Joya's ass gave a painful throb and she winced badly. "Forgot, probably not important anyway, go and help our your boy…"

"See you later Joya, don't sit on anything hard."

Joya laughed humorously. When Tsunade was gone she smiled. "Looks like Yui and Naruto were getting hot under the collar. If he's got what I think he's got it means Yui's getting frustrated…DAMN! The one time I could use that perverted idiot and now he's still in the hospital!"

"I could help," Joya screamed as she saw Kakashi.

"STOP DOING THAT!"

"I have a camera. I also have one with zoom feature. So…do you want my help?" the copy-nin asked.

Joya thought. "We'll talk price later. GO! HURRY! I want you to get her reaction when she sees it!"

Kakashi nodded and ran off. He was getting almost as good as Jiraya. He had shown up right when she was willing to give him anything. If he was into older women he would have a great chance to see how skilled the 'Great Sage equaling Heaven' truly was. He wondered if she could stand to see his face?

Deciding older women would wait until he captured yet another traumatic moment in Naruto's life Kakashi got his Super-Zoom lens ready. "I'm evil…"

* * *

Yui returned to his bedroom. Naruto was still held down by the illusion, still had a hard-on, and was still pissed off. "So?" he asked.

"Tsunade-sama will be here shortly."

"Tsunade…TSUNADE?! ARE YOU CRAZY YUI! SHE'S LIKE A MOTHER TO ME! DO YOU KNOW HOW WRONG THIS WILL BE?!"

"I was breast fed by Joya-sensei and have slept with her." Naruto's nose bled, "That relationship would be considered 'wrong' if you and Tsunade-sama were to engage in intercourse it would be more easily accepted."

"Yui you don't understand. I can't have Tsunade…give me…a…a…" he couldn't even say it.

"A blow job?"

"Yessss," he hissed at her. As he looked at his retainer and friend, well that was in question for the moment considering what she had _done_ to him, he realized nothing would change her mind. This was another way, in her mind, that would make him happy.

"You will thank me later Naruto-sama," she said.

_I've heard that before…_"Fine then." He said. She seemed to grow excited. "Blindfold me…" he whispered.

"What?" she asked. He saw a twinkle in her eye he did not like.

"Blindfold me. If I can't see her I can pretend it's someone else. That way at least we'll be able to put this behind us…" Yui nodded and left the room to retrieve a blindfold. "I'm going to have to kill Ero-Sannin. Even if none of this is his fault. I'm gonna have to kill him…" Yui returned and put the blindfold down next to Naruto. "Hey why aren't you-"

"Incase Tsunade-sama feels more comfortable naked you will be able to see her body before she services you."

Naruto hated the words '_services you_.' It sounded like he was a car getting a lube job.

_Dammit bad analogy…_

A knock came to the door. Yui quickly went to answer it. Naruto was already trying to figure out his last will and testament. If Tsunade came in here and saw…_it_…and was angry she would probably break it in half. Naruto's penis actually seemed to wince. "I feel for ya buddy…but it's _your_ fault we're in this mess."

"Yui I don't understand. If he isn't hurt then what can I…do?" Tsunade had come to the apartment thinking Naruto, while doing some training or being too overzealous in transporting his stuff to the new home had hurt himself.

She _was not_ expecting to see _that_.

"Yui…"

"Yes Tsunade-sama."

"Why is Naruto lying on his bed, without pants. And in possession of an erection?" Tsunade asked.

"You see Tsunade-sama my hormones produce incredibly strong pheromones. When I go to sleep after being aroused and unsatisfied…"

"You release them in your sleep. And since Naruto is affected by the demon fox your demonically charged sex smell caused him to get a demonically charged hard-on…" Tsunade rubbed her eyes. She stopped suddenly and glared at the girl. "Why were you calling Joya then?"

"To have her help me give Naruto-sama a blow job. It is too large for my mouth and throat. And I believe he has become so aroused not even using my breasts in conjunction will work."

_She's talking about doing a team up on Naruto's dick like it was a military maneuver…this girl is either a genius, or she is _more _screwed up than I thought she was. She _is_ Joya's apprentice._

_Speaking of which where is Sakura?_

"Tsunade-sama?" Yui asked snapping the Hokage out of her trance. "The problem at hand."

"Oh yes…" _I'm sure Sakura's fine. She's a smart girl. Nothing would make her just run off randomly. She might be working on her Medic captains exam already…_Tsunade took a breath. "Well…Let's see if we can get rid of this thing _without_ mind scarring acts of sexual depravity."

"Of course Tsunade-sama."

_Is it just me or did she sound disappointed?_

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Yes…yes!" Sakura said happily as she held out her hand. The small animal ate from it like it was tamed. She couldn't get the mother yet, but she _had_ mastered the second stage. "Soon Naruto. You'll be all mine and that little bitch Yui won't be within a thousand feet of you…heh, heh…

"NOT EVEN TSUNADE WILL BE ABLE TO TOUCH YOU ONCE I HAVE MASTERED THIS ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she raved to the sky.

* * *

Tsunade gasped as she took her hands off of Naruto's thighs. She had tried every kind of medical jutsu that was related to erections, or lack thereof, and nothing happened. It was if Naruto's penis had _fed_ on the chakra she dished out. She looked over at Yui at random intervals and the girl seemed to get happier and happier with each failed technique.

_She _wants_ us to do it. Or at least watch me do it to Naruto. This girl is like a calmer and more composed _Joya_ for god's sake…_

"Alright. Naruto I'm sorry to say but none of my techniques can work against this…" she had the urge to say '_it's just too powerful_' but decided that would be too stupid. "Well…there's no choice. We'll have to do this the-"

"_Hard_ way Tsunade-sama."

Both Naruto and Tsunade glared at Yui, "Smart ass," they said in unison.

Tsunade rose over Naruto. She looked very intimidating to him, even more so since he could not move. For some reason he had always had the fear for her inside of him. And now it had come to a head.

No pun intended.

"Yui…turn off the lights," Tsunade commanded. Yui did as she was told. It was early morning. Barely seven. The sun would not rise for another hour and a half. Naruto could see perfectly. His night vision increased to an incredible degree by the demon fox's influence on his body. And he knew Tsunade could see his eyes. They glowed in the dark.

"Yeah could someone give me that blindfold now."

"No you're going to watch," Tsunade replied. Naruto gaped at her as she untied the wide belt she wore around her middle. She let it fall and Naruto tensed up. While in the dark things that had light color were amplified, so he could not see Tsunade's underwear, but her, hair, and arms were blaring. "Yui…help me with this," she ordered. Again Yui obeyed. Naruto watched as his counterpart, who had equally good night vision he bet, went around to Tsunade. Naruto saw Yui's hand twist around to the front and unto the clasp between Tsunade's large globes. Then they were free. He gulped. She crawled to him like a cat and went to work Naruto groaned and rolled his eyes back.

Naruto watched as Tsunade examined him first. She traced the largest vein from the base to the tip. She kissed said tip gently and licked the dollop of precum that had begun to form. She then took the head and swirled her tongue around it. Naruto winced and amazingly thrust his pelvis up. Tsunade gasped and let it go. She watched as more precum came, faster this time.

Not wanting to waste any she took him. From the tip to his base she swallowed the entire thing. Naruto groaned as he felt her tongue and the muscles in her throat constrict around him. Her head moved subtly up and down. The bobbing motion was something Naruto had never experienced and it was driving him crazy.

He wanted to cum badly but Tsunade, relishing both the taste and the sounds she heard from him, was holding his dick right at the base to block the flow of cum.

He hated and loved Tsunade at that moment. He loved her for the excitement and wonderful feeling and hated her for dragging it out. He saw that she was not going to let him come until _she_ was ready for him to. And Tsunade knew what she was doing. Naruto was the hands down largest and best tasting cock she had ever sucked, but that didn't mean he was any different from his predecessors.

She decided based on his face and the obvious discomfort keeping him blocked was causing him, to finish. She raised her upper body and engulfed the big penis in her breasts. Naruto nearly died. The feeling was like having the two warmest and softest pillows in the world wrapped around him and then given a pulse. Tsunade let Naruto's dick go and used her forearms to press them together harder.

"Feel good Naruto-sama?" Tsunade whispered. He nodded weakly. She took his head in her mouth and squeezed it with her lips while her tongue circled it.

Naruto couldn't hold it anymore. He let his body release and felt the flow of cum shoot out of him. Tsunade quickly buried her face into her own breasts to take as much of him in as she could. Yui, enthralled by Tsunade's advanced technique could see the pulsing of the Hokage's throat as she drank mouthfuls of sperm in one go.

Yui was jealous as all get out, but she _was_ impressed.

As Naruto finished up with a few last spurts, Tsunade drank fully from his tap. She smiled as he finished strong. Naruto watched her lick her lips and heard her go 'mmmm.' "I never knew you were such a stud Naruto." She slid her finger along the ridge on the bottom of his shaft. His penis was still hard, but falling fast.

She straddled him and laid down softly on top of him. "You're whole body is hard isn't it? Shoulders, chest, stomach, thighs…" she let her hands walk over his body exploring the areas as she spoke.

"Okay Tsunade…the…well it's gone now right? Why don't we have breakfast eh? Yui-chan go turn on the oven Tsunade likes bacon and eggs and toast!"

"Yui you are going to stay right where you are and not move until I tell you do you understand?" Tsunade ask whipping her head around to face the girl. Yui gulped and made small subtle movements to the door. "I am _above_ your master in more ways than one right now. My authority overshadows his! Now _stay put_!" Tsunade growled.

Yui made a small sound and sat down on the floor like a dog. Tsunade's tone softened as it had when she was talking to Naruto. She looked back at him and started to run one hand through his hair while the other traced his whiskers, one by one then back and forth.

"Listen Naruto do you know that you're a menace?" she asked. Naruto's eyes turned bright and angry at that. "Not like that," she assured him. To calm him down one way and excite him another she kissed him gently on the lips, "I mean look at you, you're handsome," she rubbed his cheeks with her thumbs and cupped his face, "you're strong," he hands moved down his shoulders to his chest and stomach where they lingered between him and her, "and you have the biggest dick in the village."

"Why is that…I thought it was a bad thing…"

Tsunade blinked, amazed, "Where did you get that idea?"

"You drink every time you see it while examining me and you only drink when you're angry! Even Yui-chan looked scared while seeing it so I just thought it showed how much of a freak I was…"

"Oh you poor baby!" Tsunade said as she hugged his body, pressing her breasts even harder into his chest. "No Naruto, women like them big, well most women do anyway." She let go of him and sat up. He took in a slight breath as he saw her breasts sway gently with each subtle movement of her body. "Naruto you're a menace because you're a virgin and you're so outgoing. You know when to shut up and listen and when to be there.

"So while I have the opportunity I'm going to make sure your virginity isn't wasted on some little girl who won't appreciate it," she said with a glint in her eye.

"What?!" he screamed.

"You want to sleep with Sakura yes?" he blushed and looked away. She leaned in, her breasts dangling close to his face. "Yes?" He nodded weakly. "Ino maybe?" He nodded again. "Tenten of course and Hinata would look sweet to any man. I bet even the Kazekage's sister eh?" Naruto nodded simply, resigning not to talk. Tsunade used a finger and her abnormal strength to turn his head toward her. "Listen to and look at me. While they are all wonderful little bitches to masturbate and fantasize about all they would do is make you feel uncomfortable. They're little _girls_ Naruto. Even if a few aren't virgins I'm sure they never had any experience in what _you_ require to be satisfied.

"So. I want the honor of making Uzumaki Naruto into a man myself. I'm no little girl Naruto. It can fit in these," she said lifting her breasts, "in my vagina, and my ass if it came to that…so Naruto…do you want to wait until Sakura or another of those _little girls_ opens their thighs and screams at how much it hurts to just get your _head_ in.

"Or do you want a _woman_, who knows what she is doing, to take your matter into her hands? If you want to wait Naruto I'll leave you right now and we'll do what you wanted, pretend this never happened."

"Why now? Why do this now?"

"Because when I came here I had no thoughts about sex what-so-ever. Then I looked at it. Examined it. And tried my hardest to make it go away. And then I had to suck it and touch it and smell it and taste it. The _smell_ is what got to me Naruto. After seven years of forced celibacy a woman can get light headed when faced with _pure man_ in her face. And in her mouth," she sighed.

"So, Uzumaki Naruto, virgin, do you want Tsunade-bachan to be your first woman?"

Naruto closed his eyes and looked away from her. She pressed her body harder into his. He felt her tongue slide along his jaw line to his ear where she sucked his earlobe. He thought about what this meant.

While he had seen that really creepy porn video of Jiraya's, read those novels and even spied on his master a few times, he only had a limited view of what sex was. Yes he had many chances to do it when he was traveling with the hermit, but those times had made him feel open and exposed.

_Become a good man._

Her voice echoed in his head. The second time Tsunade had ever kissed him was on the forehead after giving him the most valuable treasure of Konoha. It was still around his neck. Now it was smothered by its previous master's breasts. For some reason, Naruto felt as warm and protected as the pendant. He took a deep breath as Tsunade turned his head and gave his other ear the same treatment.

"Yes."

"Yes what Naruto-kun?" she sighed.

The feeling of her warm breath sent a shudder down to his loins. "Yes I want you to be my first woman Tsunade…"

Tsunade rolled off of Naruto and stood at his side of the bed. He watched as she pulled down her pants and showed off the matching thong to her bra. She removed that as well. When she stood there nude Naruto could take his eyes off of her. The signs of age were there, but they were too few for his eyes to pick them out with one glance over.

Tsunade wasn't looking at Naruto's face, she was regarding his penis. She handled it and stroked it. It was very limp. She sighed and tapped her chin. "I hate being a one trick pony…" she whispered. Crawling over him, Naruto watching her with complete interest, she stopped at Yui's side of the bed and sat down with her back to the far edge. "Yui-chan…come here," Tsunade said calling with her finger.

Yui did as she was told. She crawled onto the bed and faced her Hokage. She looked back shyly at Naruto who had furrowed his brow. "What do you wish Tsunade-sama?"

"Nothing much. Considering how protective Joya is over you I _know_ you've at least done what I'm thinking of before. This is to help Naruto more than me so just relax," she said as she pushed Yui to a lying position. The younger of the two female ninja whimpered as Tsunade held up her hand. Naruto watched as chakra coursed through it and formed a thin blade.

Tsunade swiped her hand once, cleanly and swiftly slicing Yui's clothing in half. Naruto watched the buttons on his shirt and the panties Yui had been wearing flutter from the breeze of Tsunade's stroke. The Hokage smiled at her work. She gingerly lifted up Yui's lower half like a mother about to change a baby and slipped the ruined underwear off of her. Yui shivered at her now exposed sex. Tsunade pulled her shirt off and dropped it beside the bed.

"Now…like I said, relax. Yui-chan." Tsunade grabbed Yui's thighs gently. She repositioned herself so she was sitting cross-legged. She pulled Yui's crotch and legs up so her body was inclined. With care and obvious experience Tsunade pried Yui's legs apart and looked at her.

"Very pretty," Tsunade commented. Yui had, as Naruto suspected, kept herself well groomed. The round shaped bush above her sex came to a point at the top of the opening. Tsunade could smell it already. The deep and musk filled scent surrounding Naruto's manhood was stronger than the softer and more delicate smell coming from Yui, but Tsunade relished it just the same.

The labia were glistening. Tsunade smiled even wider. _She liked what she saw…_the older ninja thought happily. She twisted one arm around Yui's front so she could hold her still. With this hand she opened her. Yui cried out and her body tensed. Tsunade expecting it gently rubbed one of her breasts with her free hand. Slowly, slowly Yui let her legs open again. Knowing she was in control she allowed her thighs to rest completely against Tsunade's shoulders. Her rear was allowed to settle on the cushion made by her new partner's breasts.

The smell increased tenfold. Tsunade watched as liquid, signaling Yui was growing more excited by the second, lapped out of her. The experienced Ninja decided that wasting time would help no one and kissed Yui's inner thigh, low, near her knee. She did the same to the other leg and slowly moved down until she landed right on Yui's open womanhood.

The kiss made Yui moan. The sound was gentle, and fierce. As Tsunade began to lick and taste Yui moaned harder, her body arching. The sounds enthralled Tsunade and pressed her on.

Tsunade put her mouth fully on Yui's vagina and pushed her tongue in. Yui's hands flew to Tsunade's knees to allow for some sort of support. She tried to wriggle herself to press her crotch harder into Tsunade's mouth. Tsunade smiled, Yui did know a little, she knew how to accept and adapt.

Tsunade pushed one of Yui's leg down to look at Naruto. She had heard something that had drawn her attention to him. He was growling. Or purring. Yes Tsunade though Naruto was _purring_. His penis was growing erect, but not fast enough for Tsunade's tastes.

She sighed and pinched Yui's clitoris. The reaction was a massive spasm that sent Yui tumbling away. She panted. She hadn't climaxed, just been hit with a bolt of pleasure. She used Naruto's motionless body for support before Tsunade grabbed her thighs and pulled her up into a bitch's ready position.

Tsunade quickly went back to work, licking and pinching and kissing anything that was between Yui's legs. The girl squealed and gyrated. Naruto watched it all with a fascinating type of regard. He felt like he was there and yet he wasn't. he could feel Yui clawing at him. He could see her face twisted into a look of pain and ecstasy. He could hear her moans and hear Tsunade's spirited licking. He could even _smell_ both of them.

Tsunade had a tasty hint of sake with her scent.

Yui had managed to climb over Naruto. Her belly was pressed to his. Tsunade was using one hand to keep her down and another to lift her body just enough to continue abusing the poor girl's genitalia. And then Tsunade did something Naruto couldn't see. Whatever she did Yui reacted with a shattering orgasm. Her scream pierced the dark and she arched her back and howled like some kind of animal.

Naruto's eye twitched as he saw her lay down and start panting. "There now. See how helpful you were Yui-chan? Naruto is all ready for Tsunade-bachan." Naruto looked over Yui's body. He hadn't even noticed that he was hard again.

Tsunade picked up Yui and cradled her before setting her down on the other side of the bed. Tsunade grabbed her 'bet' jacket from the floor and covered her with it. "Now that the little girl is out of the way…" she pressed her index and middle fingertips to Naruto's body. "_Kai_ (release)." Naruto felt his body lose the titanic weight that kept him from being able to move.

Tsunade straddled him and set herself down so the curve of her rear was accented by Naruto's penis. She smiled and kissed him, deeply and passionately. And then she sat up and stood over him. Slowly and delicately she lowered herself until she encompassed him. She smiled. "Ready to be a man…Naruto-_sama_."

Naruto gave her his normal grin, which he held up well considering, "Believe it bachan!"

Tsunade stood over him. She lowered herself so the tip of his dick pressed ever so lightly against her. Naruto wished for a better look at the other end of the equation, but before he good Tsunade had already taken in his head. Her eyes teared a little as she lowered her body more. Gasping she stopped with him half way in and took several calming breaths.

"Damn…it's like trying to fuck a moose…" she hissed as she went lower. "AH!"

"Are you okay Tsunade?" Naruto asked. He was surprised he was even able to speak. The feeling of her insides was incredible. Tsunade was hot and wet. Naruto felt her inner muscles moving, twisting him. He grunted as she finally settled down.

"Argh…god…" she bent forward and laid down on him. Her thighs were twitching. She had a pained look on her face and was breathing hard. "Give me a second Naruto-sama…" After a minute Tsunade began to move. Naruto tensed up as he watched her lower half rise and fall along his edge.

Years of masturbation had not prepared Naruto for how good a real woman would feel. Not even that weird thing Jiraya gave him when turned eighteen last year compared with this. She looked at him, her chin resting on his chest.

"Am I going to have to do this myself?" she huffed.

"Sorry Tsunade-chan," he said as he gripped her back.

"I'm not an old woman anymore?"

"_This_ doesn't feel old," he said taking a firm grip of her ass cheeks. She blushed violently as he massaged her there. She 'oohed' and 'aahed' with the intricate movements of his fingers. Her hips bucked a little when he tried to thrust. "Man. I didn't know you were so sensitive Tsunade-chan. Are you sure you're a woman?"

She grabbed his face and grunted out, "Shut up you big dicked moron and _fuck me!_"

Naruto smiled. He slowly lifted his upper body and hers until he was in a sitting position. Tsunade held onto him and squealed. The tiny squeaks and sounds of pleasure made her seem both cuter and sexier. Taking a much firmer grip on her butt he bounced her. She gasped when she fell back into her original place.

He bounced her again. She cried out. Naruto, content in all that was he had to do for a little focused on her breasts. They moved at even the little things he did to her butt. He licked his lips when he saw her nipples were hard like two little pebbles. They rubbed against his chest and were obviously the most sensitive thing on her body.

He decided a test was in order. Wasn't Tsunade always telling him to gauge his enemy?

He moved his left hand from where he was bumping her up and down to her breast while his right hand went to where her two cheeks met. Using his now free hand he lifted one of the big melons and admired its weight and softness. Tsunade blushed.

"What…what are you going to do?" she asked. She was panting almost. He could see tiny drops of sweat breaking out on the surface of her porcelain skin. He smiled. Opening his mouth he began to suckle her. She cried out and hugged his head. she had done so with such force Naruto's fingers slipped _into_ the meaty part of her rear. She winced and stalled as his finger popped into her anus.

"Naruto…_Naruto…stop! stop!"_ she hissed quietly. He looked up at her, while still sucking. He may have let her down, but now he had found this joy he wasn't going to let go of it so soon.

"Stop what?" he asked, moving the nipple to the left side of his mouth and talking out the right.

"_Your hand…your finger…pull it out!_"

An idea suddenly came to Naruto's mind. In that video Jiraya made him watch the woman had massaged her anus before the man mounted her. From the feeling of the ring of muscle that led to Tsunade's back door she had neither had that kind of sex before or in a long time.

He smiled. His finger began to dig deeper. He forwent thrusting and leaned back to admire her face. He pulled on her breast with his mouth and moved his left hand back there as well. She screamed as both of his right middle finger and left index finger were probing her. She tried to shake them off, but Naruto moved his elbows and forearms to bind her arms to her body.

He nibbled on her nipple whenever she tried to gather strength to break free. Naruto laughed. He was in complete control of her. He did even think it was possible for someone like Tsunade, who he saw as a real woman, to be so submissive. She was actually begging him.

He dropped her breast from his teeth, but before she had a chance to force his hands from kneading the opening of her ass he was already using his mouth to find the other one. "Naruto," she said. Her voice had gone from a commanding tone to a soft and quiet whisper. "No more please…if you're…you know…do it…"

He smiled sympathetically. "Don't like being teased Tsunade?" he asked. He let her other breast go and kissed her collarbone. She shook her head. "Then what do you want me to do?" he asked as he popped two more fingers from each hand in. She gasped. And bent her body forward. She said something under her breath. "What was that? I can't hear you?" Naruto said playfully.

While he wasn't one for revenge the sight of under his control and the feeling of being blocked from her earlier service drove him on. "Put it in my butt…"

"Put what in where?"

She bit her lip and clenched her fists. "Fuck my asshole! Okay! Is that what you want Naruto?!" she snapped. He pushed her forward and she fell on her back. as he laid over her, his fingers free from her back door he smiled.

"Yes…but first…" he leaned back and took hold of her ankles. Stretching her legs he looked down at her. "Look at that…a little goldmine," he chuckled. Tsunade's bush was as well shaved as Yui's, the only difference it framed Tsunade's labia and opening in a golden oval shaped crescent. It looked as if a miner had found a vein.

He started to thrust again assuming the position that the video had done the most. Tsunade was almost _exactly_ like the chick in the video. Hell she even curled her toes like she did. Naruto smirked and bent down to kiss her. Tsunade wrapped her arms around Naruto neck and moaned into his mouth.

Her legs locked behind his rear and she pushed him with her own strength. She grunted as he picked up the pace. She buried her face into his shoulder and kissed the flesh there. When he gave a particularly powerful hit she threw her head back and screamed. She pressed her mouth to his ear and kissed him while whispering 'I love you so much,' 'more,' and 'oh god not my butt _again_.'

Finally they both came. Naruto screamed as he emptied himself into her. Tsunade screamed because Naruto had already pierced her cervix. She felt the flowing of his sperm enter her womb and fill her completely. She gasped when he gave a few more thrusts.

When he pulled out of her and back she panted loudly. Her breasts heaved. He sighed as he sat back. His dick gave a final spurt that landed on her already creamy opening. "Damn Naruto…" Tsunade whispered. "I'm boiling over aren't I?" she asked.

"If you mean it's coming out…then yeah…" he said pointing to her.

She sat up and moved her legs under her. "Do…do you still want to do…" she bit her lip, which was already bruised from their fierce kissing.

Naruto grinned like a fox, "Yeah…if you need some lubrication I think we left a thing of Vaseline or baby oil out…but I don't know…"

Tsunade laughed, "Naruto do you think after living for as long as I have that I didn't figure out some way to save myself the pain of unlubricated anal?"

"Eh? Then why did you make a big fuss when I put my fingers back there?"

"It was sexy wasn't it?" she asked grinning almost as wide as he had been. Naruto relented and nodded. "Okay, give me those pillows," she ordered.

Naruto snapped into action quickly gathering three of the four fluffy pillows he had kept out before the move. He glanced at the clock, which read it had just turned seven. He was amazed that one little bit of sex had taken so much time. Tsunade took the pillows and stacked them on top of each other. She went around to one side of them and flopped down.

Naruto snorted. She looked back at him a vein visible on her forehead, "What is so funny?" she asked.

"You have to ask? With that big butt of yours in the air you look like a vixen in heat!" he said noting how she was already wet again.

"Well if you think I'm such a bitch maybe I should go get a real _alpha male_ to mount me instead of some foxy wanna-be," huffed the exposed Hokage.

He smiled and got behind her. "I'm sorry Tsunade-chan. You know I love you right?" he asked as he laid on top of her, his chest to her back.

She blushed. "Are sure? Or are you like everyone else who only loves my ass?"

"Well I haven't met it yet so let's see!" he smirked.

Tsunade snorted and laughed a little. "Okay. Lean back and get ready," she said as she bent her body forward and raised her plump butt up higher. Naruto gulped and said a little prayer as she parted her cheeks. He looked at the pink little opening. It was tight and made an asterisk out of the scrunched flesh. "Just go ahead. I'll be okay."

He stood and crouched down so his knees bent his legs into right angles. He lowered his dick, painfully, and pressed it against the tight hole. Tsunade winced again as the tip dug in. Naruto entered her as slowly as he could, pausing every few centimeters to check and see if she was okay. She would nod and tell him to hurry.

When he was completely inside her she let her cheeks go and used her arms to balance herself again. Naruto adjust his legs so he was in a crouching position that didn't hurt him as much.

While he got settled Tsunade was tousled a little by his movements. She huffed, albeit while grunting at the big _blockade_ of her butt. "Anytime today kid I'm not doing this for my health you-AIYYEE!" she cried as he spanked her.

_Hard_.

"Don't be a bad girl Tsunade. I'm getting good at making bad girls stop being bad. So be good and just let me try for once okay?"

She whimpered back, "Yes Naruto-sama."

He gave her sore butt a loving rub and then began. He grunted. Her vagina had been easier thanks to her legs helping but also because of her own juices. Her asshole was much harder to thrust in because it was straight muscle meant to push _out_ not pull _in_.

But even so it felt like heaven.

He couldn't help but think of Sakura in her tight little skirts or Hinata in her kimono. Given Tsunade had the sexiest rump of them all, he was like every man in the world who had ever had sex.

No woman, no matter how beautiful is enough at the beginning.

Tsunade let out a loud sound and Naruto realized he had been squeezing her butt this whole time. She bucked him a little and he patted her to give her a warning. When she tried again he smacked her smartly. She cawed and bucked again. She looked back at him with a red face and a begging look in her eyes, "Oh…you _want me_ to spank you?"

"I'm a dirty old woman Naruto…" she said huskily.

He smiled. He had spanked only her right cheek, which was now a shade of reddish pink. He decided he would even out of coloring. He hit her right cheek with two or three smart ones and listened to her moan. She had begun to arch her back and was now resembling Yui. In fact with Naruto's night vision she looked more like a glowing bestial goddess.

Naruto pulled her up to him and massaged her breasts. He went to her nipples and pinched them. She bit her lips and grabbed one of his hands. She put it between her legs where the mixture of his sperm and her own liquid had made it sloppy. Naruto forced three fingers into her while his thumb pressed her clitoris down. Manipulating the tiny bud of silk he caused Tsunade to shiver uncontrollably.

She turned her head and kissed him, her tongue luring his out of his mouth so she could kiss it. She caught herself purring as Naruto moved his probing hand up to rub her belly. She smiled and caught his tongue playfully in her teeth. He patted her stomach and she let it go before letting herself fall forward again.

Sensed the tenseness in his body and knew he was going to come soon. She sighed as she felt him take hold of her hips. Tsunade let herself go. She screamed as loud as she could as Naruto started a vicious final assault on her ass. He ran his nails over her red and sore cheeks.

She tensed up as he did. Naruto grimaced as he came. Tsunade followed suit screaming as she felt her body get rushed by the flow of Naruto's sperm. She shuddered. The feeling always got to her. Both of them felt a feeling of release as their climaxes died down. Naruto laid down and held her as he pulled almost entirely out.

Naruto sighed as he pulled out of her and fell back, his penis growing limp in seconds. She rolled off of the pillows and laid there panting. "Good god! I don't think I can walk…"

"Well you kind have to. I mean it's almost light now…" he said as he looked at the blinds over his windows. "And me and Yui-chan have to get moving."

Tsunade regarded him over her mounds. She smirked. "One for the road?" she asked raising her legs in a wide 'V.'

Naruto grimaced. "What do I look like a machine?"

"Yes…" she said licking her fingers. Naruto sighed. She was right. It wasn't as if he would get tired from it. And he _was_ too outgoing sometimes.

But considering she's had a hard couple of days because of him and Joya and Yui. He decided to give her what she wanted.

Two more times.

* * *

1 (Sexual Emercancy Room): For whenever ninja sex gets too wild

2 (Yui's Genjutsu): used on battlefield wounded when painful procedures are required and no anesthetic is available.


	6. Moving Day

A/N: Welcome! How de do! Anyway I _had_ to do a few of thsese gags. I think you know what I mean.

Clauswitz: a: Yui is better at Genjutsu and strikes Naruto when he's surprised. b: Since a few people also feel strongly about it Tsunade _may_ be in the harem. _MAY_.

Anyone else who asked: Yes Naruto and Yui will get together.

* * *

**Chapter 6 **

**Moving Day**

Tsunade walked down the street of early morning Konoha with a big smile on her face. The Hokage was in such a good mood that the whole of the village felt it. She held her head high and didn't even think about drinking. She had drunk enough of a much _better_ and _creamier_ beverage to satisfy her thirst for a while.

"Good morning Hokage-sama!" the convenience store owner said. Tsunade nodded to him.

She decided she was too happy to merely walk. Taking a quick jump she landed on a building and dashed toward the tower. As she entered it she saw Shizune who was looking a bit tired.

"Good morning Shizune!" Tsunade said happily. She hugged her assistant tightly and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She didn't even notice or care that Shizune's face turned red and steam exploded from her ears. "JOYA-CHAN! HELLLOOO!" Tsunade cried as she entered her office to see her new assistant still bent over her desk.

"OH!" Tsunade went to her and kissed her cheek. "You poor baby I completely forgot about what I did to you. Here let me heal you."

"You…you want to _heal me_?"

"Of course!" Tsunade said happily as she grabbed the waistband of Joya's pants. She quickly pulled them down and giggled when she saw Joya's bare rump, "such a bad girl Joya'0chan not wearing any panties!"

_This is so creepy…she's like an entirely different person. She hasn't been like this since that Dan guy…wait…_

"Tsunade-hime?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you and Naruto do anything?"

Tsunade smiled and drooled a little. "He fucked me six ways to Sunday!"

"Really?"

"Well actually only four times but that doesn't matter!" she sighed as she used one hand to spread Joya's firm buttocks. Joya gulped as she saw Tsunade put on a rubber glove. She pushed the two fingers in deftly and quickly and began to pump cooling and gentle healing chakra into her.

Joya tried to roll into a ball at the feeling. It felt so _good_. "Is my little Joya-chan purring?" Tsunade asked.

_After living with Yui for twenty years you kind of pick it up Mune-hime…_

Tsunade giggled again, yes Joya was sure of it, the scariest and sexiest woman she knew was now _giggling_ like a schoolgirl. It was _frightening_ on a level Joya had never heard of. And now that _giggling_ schoolgirl was toying with her anus.

_What a day…_

When Tsunade was done she went to her desk and looked at the five stacks of papers and forms she had to do. She took out an inkwell, then after looking at them took out another. Joya blinked. Tsunade's favorite stalling tactic was to keep the minimum amount of ink out so she could spend a few minutes of peace looking for another one.

_This is the epitome of creepy…_

Joya, still not trusting her body, or Tsunade's healing abilities for the moment, didn't get up. She just watched Tsunade work. And the younger of the two Nins seemed _happy_ to be working. It was horrifying. She only hoped that…

"Yo,"

"SWEET BUDDHA!" Joya screamed leaping from her desk into Tsunade's lap. Tsunade giggled and pressed her face into the crook of Joya's neck. The combined 'freak out' from Kakashi's entrance and the sudden lesbian affection from Tsunade was a little too much for Joya at the moment.

She disappeared and reappeared on the far side of the room. "Okay…what do you want Kakashi?" she asked hoping Tsunade would not wonder why he was here.

"To give you this." He held up a mini-disc in a bright blue case.

"THANK YOU!" she said throwing her arms around Kakashi's neck. "What's the price?"

"No charge. Just…_take it_."

"What's the matter with you?"

"Have you ever read Jiraya's novels?"

"I have an extra set incase the first fall apart or are destroyed."

"You'll know when you see it…it's made me wonder what else I've been missing while looking in those things."

Joya happily took the disc and nuzzled it with her cheek. "Thank you Kaka-chan! You can't know how much I want this!"

"You can't know how much I _don't_ want it or to remember it exists. I'm going to go purge myself of everything I've eaten in last five days." And he was gone.

"Joya-chan…"

"Yes Tsunade-hime?"

"Is that a video disc of me having sex with Naruto?"

Joya froze and turned her head to Tsunade. She was smiling, but that didn't mean _shit_ in the long run. That face could go from 'I _luv_ you!' to '_I am going to kill you so much!_' in point five seconds flat.

"Maybe…"

Tsunade stood up and walked to Joya. Joya was prepared to shield the disc with her body. She _was_ going to see this if it killed her. And she knew, by his reaction, Kakashi had not made an extra. So she would protect it with her life.

But Tsunade hugged her and pressed their bodies together, Joya became very afraid. Because she had cradled the disc her arms were now engulfed by Tsunade's big breasts. Tsunade's face was red and she was panting, _panting_.

"Such a dirty old woman watching pornography…" Tsunade said leaning into Joya.

"Wh-what about n-not kiss-kissing women?"

"I should always specify…" she said as she dropped to her knees. "I meant kiss you on the mouth." Joya gasped as she was suddenly without pants.

She looked at Tsunade, then at the disc. _I am going to give Naruto the biggest bowl of ramen I can find!_

"Oh…Joya-chan tastes so sweet…"

_I don't know what you did kid (well I'll find out soon enough) but…THANK YOU NARUTO-SAMA!_

* * *

Naruto sneezed all over the box holding his videos and books. "Aw man! Someone must be talking about me again…" 

"It's probably Tsunade-sama she seemed very happy after she left." Yui was blushing badly. Naruto suspected she had not expected to become a tool to increase his libido.

The awkwardness thrown on the two blondes once Tsunade passed when Yui asked simply, "Was it good for you?"

They couldn't help but laugh. It was the _dumbest_ first time anyone had ever heard of but it was also so funny. When Naruto told Yui it was like a scene he had read in one of Jiraya's books she actually remembered the chapter! The revelation they both had been literally forced to read the horrid things made it all the funnier.

By the time Yui and Naruto had showered, as Naruto smelled more like Tsunade than himself afterward, and gotten dressed the horror of what happened had passed and both of them were feeling better. Naruto had been so panicked and nervous about sex he didn't realize it would be that easy.

Hell he learned that just getting close to some women could make them hot. With this new knowledge safely stored away Naruto looked on the world with different eyes, the eyes of a _man_.

"OH MAN!"

"What is it Naruto-sama?"

"We packed the TV before I could record the newest episode of Ninja-Force!"

Well…maybe not…

"Naruto-sama isn't your _life_ like Ninja-force?"

"Well yeah but without hot chicks in tight uniforms. Besides they use this really awesome kind of taijutsu me and Lee are trying to learn."

"Lee-san? The…" Yui shuddered as she remembered his eyebrows. To her it was as if they were just _floating_ there without head or body.

"You can't still be freaked out by those can you?"

"Yes…in the Mist even men pluck their eyebrows to look menacing. So when faced with such…such…"

"I know what you mean. Wait until you meet his sensei. They're like three times as big…"

Yui cringed away from him, "Naruto-sama! Please don't scare me like that! That's! That's impossible!"

"Wanna bet?"

Yui flushed, "What is the wager?" she asked. She may not be mentally prepared for such large brows, but she'd be damned if she passed up a chance to show her mettle to her master.

"If they _are_ three times as big…what do you want Yui-chan?"

"If they are _not_ three times Lee-san's size then you must give me oral pleasure every night!" Yui said happily.

"You…you were planning on this weren't you?"

"Naruto-sama! Do you actually believe I would wait until you challenged me to a bet to see if you could bury your face in my crotch night after night as payment?"

Naruto was suddenly happy they were indoors. "Yeah…I do. Because that sounds like something _I _would think of."

"So if they _are_ three times that large what is my payment?"

Naruto thought about it…there was really nothing he could ask of her. except…"You'll have to convince Joya to give me a lap dance!"

"Is that all?"

Naruto winced. "_WITH!_ With Tsunade."

"Considering how excited and happy she was this morning I believe that will be easy. I agree!"

They took each other's hands and shook. "Okay ready?" Naruto asked as he went to the door. He grabbed the megaphone, which he didn't pack for this occasion, and turned it on. "**Wow Kaka-sensei! You moved an entire apartment's collection of items and furniture to the new place in less than two hours! No one can beat that!**"

"DAINAMIKKU-ENTORI (1)!"

Maito Gai the blue beast of Konoha flew through the air. His large white teeth shining like a lighthouse beacon. He landed on an adjacent building and crouched down with his arms spread like an eagle. "GOOD DAY NARUTO-KUN! DID I HEAR CORRECTLY WHEN YOU SAID WITH YOUR CONVENIENT AMPLIFICATION DEVICE THAT KAKASHI, my eternal rival, HAD MOVED AN _ENTIRE_ APARTMENT IN TWO HOURS?" he called.

Yui was at a loss for words. They were…_huge_. It was like looking at four caterpillars that had decided to have an _orgy_ on his _face_. "Yeah we did Gai but before you prove how much better you are than Kaka-sensei could you do us a favor?"

"A favor for Naruto-kun my Charming student Lee's best taijutsu partner besides myself? OF COURSE! It is the epitome of youth to help friends! And the friends of friends! And the friends of friends of cousins of uncles of-"

"OKAY! Just get up here!"

Using his super, only Gai and Lee able speed, Gai was there. He nodded to Yui. "AH! SO MY ADORABLE STUDENT LEE WAS CORRECT!"

_Oh damn…I forgot. Lee is as crazy as Gai. If Gai doesn't think too highly of me and Yui this could go badly…_

"This is the beautiful fox's glove known as Yui-chan! Allow me to introduce myself! I am…(Super pose no jutsu) MAITO GAI! THE BLAZING AZURE BEAST OF KONOHA!" he said as a giant cliff rock over looking a crashing sea appeared under him. Yui gasped when Gai smiled.

"It's…it's like the sun! I can't look directly into it!" she cried.

Naruto patted her on the shoulder. "I know Yui-chan. Think of the trouble this will save though. Gai how long are your eyebrows?"

"My eyebrows? Why each of my magnificent natural face decoration's are 5 cm by 3 cm by .05 cm!"

I'm the author and I don't even know where he got that one.

"You…know the _volume_ of your eyebrows?"

"OF COURSE! Why I even know the thickness of my smallest toenail!"

"Uh…yeah…so about the apartment?"

"YES! WHERE IS THE NEW DESTINATION!"

"1276 Yoko Street, right next to the Yamanaka flower shop. Here are the keys," Naruto said throwing them to him.

Gai caught them on the fly and made a nice guy pose. "On my honor as a Konoha Ninja I shall defeat my eternal rival, the deadly and hip Kakashi, and have all furniture, and packages to this new apartment in one hour or less! If I fail…I'LL STRAP A WIND COUNTRY OX TO MY CHEST AND DO TWELVE HUNDRED BACKFLIPS WHILE DOING WATER WALKING TRAINING!"

Naruto produced a stopwatch. "GO GAI GO! EXPLODE FOR FURNITURE!"

"YES! I'M OFF!"

The balcony and floor of Naruto's home shook violently as Gai dashed into his apartment and grabbed the first ten boxes and charged toward Yoko street.

"His eyebrows…"

"I know Yui-chan I know. Now all we have to do is measure Lee's. considering that Gai measures his Lee almost certainly does it as well. What can we do to get Lee here?"

"PLEASE NO!" Gai dashed past and took Naruto's bed and nightstand. "I can only handle one of them a day…no more Naruto-sama! I beg of you!"

Naruto looked at her and saw she was generally freaked out. "Okay…fine Yui-chan we'll get Lee's measurements tomorrow."

Gai took out Naruto's television, as well as his DVD and VCR players. As he was running a disc fell out. Gai stopped and picked it up with his toes. "Hmmm…MY WORD! This is un-youthful pornography…" he looked around, trying to be inconspicuous. "I'm sure with the beautiful Yui-can at his side Naruto-kun does not need such a thing." Gai slipped it into his flak jacket. When he suddenly realized…"MY WORD! IN TRYING TO KEEP PROPER AND HEALTHY THOUGHTS FROM YOUNG NARUTO-KUN'S HEAD I HAVE WASTED PRESCIOUS SECONDS! I MUST TAKE DRASTIC ACTION TO RECTIFY THIS!"

Gai set the furniture down and spread his legs and pulled his elbows in. "Secret of the Renge Tempo (Lotus Style)! Shodaime Mon Kai! (First Gate Open)!"

Gai roared as he felt the chakra pour through his body. He quickly gathered the television, DVD player, and VHS player and dashed back to his mission. "I SHALL DEFEAT YOU KAKASHI!"

Somewhere a vomiting Copy-Nin sneezed.

* * *

Barely 56 minutes and 10 seconds later Gai was panting badly. He looked at the stopwatch and did his nice guy pose along with this smile. The power and brightness of both amplified by his victory. Naruto had put on a pair of sunglasses just in case. 

"THANK YOU NARUTO-KUN FOR THIS OPPURTUNITY TO PROVE MY ABILITY OVER MY HIP RIVAL KAKASHI!" the Blue beast bellowed happily.

"No problem Gai. What are you doing in a few days?"

"Why I may be training my adorable student Lee in taijutsu, or my Stoic and equally hip as Kakashi student Neji on how to smile and show how youthful he truly is! Or I may be instructing Tenten-chan about the dangers of not oiling your weapons properly!"

"So you don't know?"

"NO! I find that some scheduling is important, but when you look too far into the future you grow worried and being worried is the antithesis of proper youth! SO MY DEAR NARUTO-KUN! I'M OFF!"

And he exploded away like he was flying.

Naruto's eye twitched, "He didn't even stay to ask my why I wanted to know…"

"Is everyone here crazy Naruto-sama?" Yui asked as they watched the youthful ninja.

"Yeah…but there are varying degrees I think…I mean Gai is at one end and Kaka-sensei is at the other…hey speaking of sensei's do you think Tsunade-bachan has chosen our new one yet?"

"Maybe, but I would first like to see if Gai-san put things in the proper house." Naruto nodded and they sped off. they saw that at some point Gai had decided on the fastest possible route and had dug a foot deep trench in the road and some buildings. Naruto blinked when he saw their home. It was not only filled with everything, Gai had amazingly put all the stuff in the right place, but it was clean.

"Naruto-sama, a note!" she said as they walked in and found a new DVD player.

_DEAR NARUTO-KUN AND YUI-SAN!_

_During my racing I accidentally dropped your entertainment device and the media item within. Upon landing on the ground both were utterly destroyed. I got you this one to replace it! For replacing things you have destroyed is truly youthful! I'm sad to say Lee has yet to realize this fact._

_I also tracked various amounts of dirt and soil into your home and made sure to clean the floors, but once I cleaned them I noticed my running and cleaning had kicked up dust onto the walls. So I cleaned those as well! And then when the walls and floors were clean the ceilings were horribly filthy! Denoting this to be not something you wanted I cleaned them as well!_

_I also put together your shelving units and hooked up your cable! Have a wonderful and youthful life!_

_Sincerely, the beautiful blue beast of Konoha!_

_Maito Gai._

"Gai-san is crazy…"

"Yeah…but he's helpful at least." Naruto and Yui then looked around their home. Gai had done a superb job of cleaning. Even the rooms and closets the two had not planned to use outside of parties or guests were cleaned. Somehow, known only to Gai, he had even gotten the gunk out of their cleaning product caps. "The man is a beast…"

"What should we do now Naruto-sama?" Yui asked.

"Have a party?"

The two blondes looked up and saw Ino gazing in. She held up a six-pack of cola. Naruto honestly expected beer. "I saw Gai. I thought I smelled one of Naruto's little schemes."

"No that was Gai cleaning the house. Come in Ino. I think he put the food away to," Naruto went to the kitchen. "Yep! He even put water in the ice trays!" he called out.

"Hello Yui-san," Ino said bowing her head.

"Hello Ino-san."

Silence and awkward feelings abound…

"Have you seen Sakura around?"

"No I have not seen Haruno-san," Ino noticed that Yui took on a different tone when talking about Sakura. It was hard to place and Ino chocked it up to Yui's normal stoic façade.

"Well if you do would you mind telling me? I'm worried she may be trying something crazy…"

* * *

As they spoke Sakura _was_ doing something crazy. She smirked. She was dirty, sweaty, and hungry. While she wasn't going to risk ruining her work just yet she _would_ rectify that last situation. As the new animal, the mother, brought in a wonderful bit of meat. 

Sakura quickly used her tracking and hunting knowledge to cut and skin it. She broiled it and had a nice rabbit stew. She watched as the mother and her children watched _her_. She had been able to go from cringing at the sight of them to actually being able to follow them to their den without fear. She was still a little bit off from her mark, but soon she would have mastered the technique.

Haruno Sakura smiled deeply. She could already taste Naruto. Or maybe it was the rabbit.

Being in the woods alone for three days can make things confusing.

"It doesn't matter does it?" she asked the mother. The animal nodded to her. she smiled. "I'll soon have enough power to fight off anyone. And once this technique is finished Naruto won't be able to help but fall for me!"

And again she laughed.

This time the animals laughed with her.

* * *

"Haruno-san looked to be a smart girl, I'm sure she's fine Ino-san," Yui assured her as they watched Naruto cook. Ino had been surprised to hear him offer, in fact she was surprised at how in-tuned Naruto seemed to be to their wants and needs. He had already poured them each a glass filled with ice from the "Trays of Youth!" which Gai had given as a house-warming present. 

"So how have you been adjusting to Konoha Yui-san?" Ino may have no chance with Naruto but she would at least get to know this girl to be close to him.

"Everyone here is pleasant. I have found that there are interesting things happening all the time." Naruto dropped something and cursed. "Are you alright Naruto-sama?"

"Yeah. I'm fine," he mumbled something which sound to Ino like 'ladies don't kiss and tell my ass…'

Ino looked at Yui who smiled knowingly. "How have you two been getting along?" she asked.

"Naruto-sama is very kind to me. We are getting close. I hope I will be able to contribute to his betterment. I look at him and see that he's almost finished his growth as a man. I want to help contribute to that," she explained.

Ino was aghast. She had never heard anyone, any woman, speak about like that. It was something that only fit with the two of them. As she looked from Yui to Naruto she began to see what Yui meant. Ino knew about twenty girls, _girls_, who only believed their contribution would be dates where they squeal about how lucky they are to be with Naruto.

"I also enjoy bathing and sleeping with him." Yui took a few seconds after saying that to scoot a foot to the right.

Ino shot the soda she had just drunk out of her mouth like a cannon. "WHAT?! SLEEP?! _BATHE?!_"

Yui looked at Ino blandly, "Of course. Naruto-sama has good hygiene but I notice his muscles get tired and tense. So I bathe with him to massage the tenseness away. He also bathes me."

Naruto entered with a tray of miso soup and some rice. He had no idea what they were talking about apparently. "I don't know how good it will be but…Ino-chan are you okay?" he asked setting the food down.

She gaped at him then at Yui. "Am I okay…AM I OKAY?!" she asked standing. She faced Naruto fully. "You're _fucking bathing this little tramp?_" she hissed pointing at Yui.

Naruto, who had grown a little worried at Ino's sudden anger, narrowed his eyes. "Ino. Be nice. Yui is not a tramp."

"She just admitted to sleeping with you! And…and…_bathing! _That means you both have to be _naked_ to do it!" Ino cried.

"Ino wait a minute!" Naruto said taking her arms. "Yes Yui sleeps with me, but we don't _sleep_ with each other. Understand? And the baths…well that's just…uh…I do it because Yui's used to being with another person!"

"I do it because Naruto-sama is sexy when he's wet," Yui cut in.

Naruto desperately wished he knew the ANBU paralysis jutsu. He didn't want to hurt Yui, but the girl needed to learn when to shut _up!_

Ino looked from him to Yui. She was both hurt and little impressed. She knew Naruto was shy, and she couldn't believe that he was able to _look_ at her naked let alone touch her. It made Ino feel odd. She knew what it was almost immediately. She was jealous.

Naruto holding her shoulders had been the most physical contact they had ever had. And she had known him, and had a crush on him for most of, six years. And Yui had only been really _here_ for three. She could tell by the way the two moved around each other they were ten times as close as Ino would ever be.

She suddenly did not want to be there. But before she could go Naruto as hugging her. "Hey Ino…calm down okay. I don't want one of my friends to be mad at me especially over this."

Ino felt herself grow red. She slowly raised her arms and put them around him. Naruto was so much taller than her she felt dwarfed, but at the same time safe, in his arms. Then she felt a thinner, yet equally as strong and loving, wrap around her waist. She looked and saw Yui, she had a content look on her face as she set her head against Ino's back.

Ino felt very embarrassed. This close she could smell something. And it was having an adverse, in some circles, effect on her. It smelled sweet. Heady and strong. It burned a path starting in her nose that went from her lungs and chest to her stomach and pelvis.

She let out a little sigh as she pressed her front harder against Naruto. The softness of Yui's breasts enticed her as well. She blushed as she saw that Naruto's neck was exposed.

Naruto himself was happy that Yui was trying to help him calm Ino down. That happiness fled however when he smell Yui's pheromones. _God dammit…please tell me they only work on men. Buddha I beg of you!_

He heard Ino sigh and move her mouth to nuzzle his neck. Then he felt her tongue slide out of her mouth. She was sucking his collarbone.

_Buddha you suck doughnuts you fat bastard…_

"Naruto," he looked down at her. she was breathing heavily. He saw her shift her thighs around a little. He gulped. "Kiss me please Naruto-kun…"

"Uh…Yui…?"

"Yes Naruto-sama?"

"Are you doing what I think you're doing?"

"Pushing my pheromones onto Ino-san?"

"Yeah that."

"Mayyyybe."

"Why?

"Because she likes you. She's jealous of me. Let's make her not jealous."

Naruto growled. He sighed. There were two ways he could handle this. He could do it Yui's way and have a threesome with Ino, who was impaired because of Yui's pheromones.

Or he could do it his way. He sighed.

"Ino."

"Yes Naruto-kun?" she huffed as she closed her eyes and puckered her lips.

"I'm sorry." He kissed her, deeply, then spanked Yui hard enough to jar her off of Ino. With Ino's back exposed he did the same to her. She snapped out of whatever Yui had done.

"NARUTO!" she screamed pushing him away. She managed to gather enough strength to fling him down. Ino panted. She was confused. She had been hugged by Yui one second, been hot and bothered the next, and then Naruto had been kissing her…and…and…"YOU SPANKED ME!" she roared.

"Yeah. I said I was sorry," he said getting up and brushing himself off. "That's the only way I know how to stop girls when they're like that. Sorry if I hurt you."

"HURT ME! I COULD CARE LESS IF YOU HURT ME! IT'S THE…principle…of the. The thing…" Ino stood straight and let her mind wander. She blinked as a memory rushed into her forebrain.

_I'm sorry Naruto! I…I really am._

_I could care less if you're really sorry or not Ino! It's the principle of what you did to her! So come here _now!

In her memory Ino watched herself do that and suddenly get pulled onto Naruto's knees. She wiggled slightly as he pulled her skirt up and her panties down just far enough her bale rear was exposed. She shivered as the cold air hit her in her memory.

She saw Sakura, tears in her eyes, rubbing her own butt, which was a very red shade of pink.

_I'm sorry Naruto-kun! I really am!_

_Then this will mean more._

_SMACK!_

Ino jumped as if he had just hit her again. She raised up on her toes and her butt throbbed. Her eyes teared up as she remembered not only the pain but the humiliation. She knew why her ass throbbed every time she thought of that day.

"Tsunade hypnotized me to forget…" she looked at Naruto, then Yui, who had moved to his side. She bit her lip and looked away.

"Ino…uh…you remember don't you?" She nodded. He rubbed the back of his head. "I know this is awkward and I know I really made you feel bad…so I'm sorry. If you don't believe me then it's okay as long as you don't hold it against me."

"I," she took a breath of air, "I don't. I'm going…to go now,"

"Wait Ino-san," Yui said. Ino looked at her. "Would you wish to come to the party we are having this weekend?" Naruto eyed Yui. "I wish to get to know you better."

Ino looked from her, and saw she meant it, to Naruto who looked forlorn at what he had done. Even so, Ino was angry, and she couldn't believe he had the gall to do that to her. "Maybe. I don't know," she said tersely. And then she was gone. When the door slammed both of them winced.

"That could have gone better…" Yui said softly.

Naruto smacked his face. "Okay…here's a ground rule. When a girl is upset like that again no using your pheromones to get her to change her mood okay?"

"But Naruto-sama I was just…" before she could finish he spanked her hard across both cheeks. She straightened and stepped forward. "Yes Naruto-sama," she winced.

"Okay…let's see what we'll need to have a party then. I can already feel that things are going to get weird around here…"

"I concur."

"You _contribute_."

* * *

Tsunade looked at the screen. She didn't know Kakashi had been taught how to use a camera so well. She was resting in her bedroom on her bed. After her little escapade with Joya in her office she had decided it was a good day to _not_ work and left early. She was sitting on her bed naked watching the video that depicted Naruto losing his virginity wind down. 

Joya, who was tired as hell, was resting her head on Tsunade's bare lap. The older of the two was panting badly. Tsunade ran her fingers through Joya's hair slowly while Joya tried to cool down. Sweat was still popping out all over her body and she could barely move her legs without feeling something akin to painful wonder.

"You're crazy…" she whispered to Tsunade.

The Hokage smiled. She bent forward so her breasts were almost smothering Joya, "So are you telling me you didn't enjoy it?"

"No ma'am," Joya replied, her voice muffled. Tsunade sat back up and watched as Naruto fell back against his headboard panting. Joya saw a glimmer of tears in Tsunade's eyes. "You're proud of him aren't you?"

"You have no idea…" she said wiping a tear away. "I would say I feel like his mother but that would make things too weird. I love the boy but now…"

"You love his penis."

Tsunade laughed humorlessly, "Yeeaaah…"

Joya smirked up at her lover. "So is this a one time thing or do I have to wait until the next time you sleep with a man?" she sat up and looked at Tsunade, "Because I can be patient for a long time but y'know…"

Tsunade pounced on her and snuggled against her. Joya patted her head and Tsunade forced her into the mattress. She straddled Joya's chest and moved until she was hovering over her. "Shut your moth and open it…"

Joya laughed and took hold of Tsunade's thighs, "Yes ma'am Mune-hime!"

* * *

Ino sat in her room fuming. She glared at the wall opposite the end of her bed. She was currently sitting on the softest pillow she owned in a thong. Her ass had been killing her by the time she got up to her bedroom. It hurt to even wear a pair of silk panties for crying out loud. 

She had cried for the first few minutes of getting into her sanctuary. Of all the things that could have happened in her life.

_I'm sorry! I really am!_

_Then this will mean more_

She winced again. He was right. The pain he had put into her butt _did_ mean something to her. it meant he had been able to take control of her. and she had let him. While Ino didn't want to admit it she had to. He was already in her heart. She even took the time to pin a photo of him on her wall when she masturbated.

She was Naruto's _bitch_.

And the thing pissed her off the most, she didn't mind! She actually didn't care that he had done it. She felt relieved. She had thought Naruto would be mousy as a lover, he was so wild and loud as a person. But low and behold when it came to what he felt strongly about, he took action.

And since he couldn't punch Ino or Sakura in the face. he hit them where it counted.

She winced again and looked toward her bathroom. Getting up she entered it and look in her medicine cabinet. She found a small container of Vaseline and regarded it for a second.

"I wonder if he spanks her…" Ino blushed violently. It was such a stupid thing to think about.

_Yui-chan what did I say about Ramen?_

_I'm sorry Naruto-sama!_

_Well it looks like you'll have to be punished…_

_Of course Naruto-sama! Anything! _Smack! _Ooh…_Smack! _Mmm…that feels good…_

"STOP IT!" Ino screamed at herself. Shaking badly she bent over her toilet and began to rub the cooling salve on her butt. "I'm going to give that bastard a piece of my mind…" she snorted thinking about Naruto, of course. When she finished she looked at herself in the mirror. She grabbed the top she had worn over to his out and pulled it off. Staring at her bare breasts she remembered the feeling of Yui's.

_Great…now all I need to do is tattoo his family crest on my ass…_

She turned around and thought about the flaming swirl. If she did it right it would look adora-

"DAMMIT NARUTO! WHY THE HELL DO YOU MAKE ME _THINK_ LIKE THAT?!"

* * *

"Okay so we'll need two fold out tables, three table clothes, a mess of glasses and plates, some new CDs and we'll have Kiba bring over his stereo system. If there is one thing Inuzukas love it's their electronics." Naruto wrote all of it down. 

Yui was munching on some chips while she let Naruto make the list. She had no idea he was so adept at making a list of things. "There's a sushi place that does half of three or more platters. If we mention an Akamichi is coming we may even get a bigger discount." He rubbed the eraser against his temple.

"HELLO NARUTO-KUN!" a cheery voice called. Naruto and Yui, who were sitting in their living room (Gai had put the couch in but Yui wanted to clean it), looked out the window to see Joya and Tsunade. Joya was waving and held up a couple of ramen bowls, Naruto dashed to the door to let them in.

"How is my favorite boy?" Tsunade asked as she kissed his currently bare forehead. She had to stand on her tiptoes to do it.

"I see you've succeeded Joya-sensei," Yui said as she rose to go to the kitchen and get chopsticks for everyone.

"What were you trying to do?" Naruto asked. Joya latched onto Tsunade and pointed to her. "Oh…wait what? YOU DID TWO PEOPLE IN THE SAME DAY?!"

"It's not just my skin and body that gets younger Naruto. When I am motivated enough I can have enough energy to fight for hours or have sex for days!" Tsunade said throwing up her hands. "And I'm just happy Joya can keep up with her own younger body."

Joya, who had once again donned the old woman face mask and veil, smiled at Naruto. She pulled him aside and whispered in his ear, "I have to thank you kid you've made my life. If I had tried _a third_ of the crazy shit we did earlier today she would have broken my arms off and rammed them down my throat before skewering me with my own pelvic bone!"

"Yeah…I remember about when Jiraya was caught peeping on her and put him near death," Naruto recalled that day because it was the day he vowed to _never_ peep on Sakura.

"So do you two like the house?" Tsunade asked.

"Yes Tsunade-sama. We were just talking about what we would need to make it fit for the party."

"A party?" Tsunade looked at both Naruto's television and stereo. They were _okay_ but now since she had assigned him to special duty he would have more money. She decided to help him out. "Naruto considering I forced the mission of _you_ onto Yui I'll have to help you out. How about I arrange for you to have a very liberal payment plan on a new stereo and television system.

"That thing you call a TV is older than we are."

"You would do that Tsunade-chan?"

"No more bachan?" she asked.

"Which do you prefer?" Naruto asked. He was so happy he didn't care.

"Neechan," she said smiling. Naruto blushed.

"Uh…okay…"

"I want you to call me that too Yui. I don't like it when you say Tsunade-sama. Hokage-sama is fine but for some reason it doesn't sound right coming from you…" she said waving her hand.

"Yes Tsunade-neechan."

"Good so when is it?"

"Well we were planning to have everything ready in three days, by Saturday."

"Perfect that gives me just enough time to find your new commander. Also I'll have Yui's headband ready for her when you two meet your commander. I'll send a messenger bird when it's time," Tsunade explained.

Joya slurped her noodles happily, completely ignoring the conversation to eye Tsunade's cleavage. The four ninja talked for a few more minutes before Tsunade and Joya headed back to the Hokage tower. While they would have preferred to just go home and continue private area exploration Tsunade was still in debt to Jiraya.

She had to find out if his desired applicant was in the village. While Tsunade believed so it was good to make sure and considering the applicant…

"I'll see you no later than Thursday okay Naruto?" Tsunade asked. He nodded and waved as she and Joya went toward the tower.

As soon as they were gone Naruto and Yui felt a presence. They quickly turned, Naruto forming a short blade of chakra around his index and middle fingers, and Yui preparing a short water jutsu.

The entire room became pink and fleshy. Their chakra was sucked out of them and they were pulled into what had been the door. "I teach you the Rasengan, your _ultimate_ technique by the way, I give you the knowledge to become the next big papa fox in Konoha, and _even_ give you a ticket for a hundred free Ichiraku dinners. And you _still_ attack me when I decided to be mysterious.

"I'd expect it from Gai, but not my second star pupil Naruto," the toad hermit said with a sly smile. He released his jutsu and let the two free.

"Hey Ero-Sannin."

"Hello Jiraya-sama."

"Hey guys. And boy do I have some interesting news for you two…"

* * *

A/N: HUZZAH! FOR YOUTH! I'm kinda suprised that no one has asked about Sasuke yet... 

Dictionary:

1 (DAINAMIKKU-ENTORI): Gai's Dynamic entry. Basic a flying kick done to quickly knock out weaker enemies in one swift strike. Can be used in conjunction with the Nice Guy Pose to show the power of youth.


	7. Dreams and Nightmares

A/N: HELLO FANS! Sorry for the long wait. I've been caught up in School and a lot of fun on Gaia Online. If anyone who reads is a member send me a message on there!

Anyway Today is a good day for fans of _pure awesome_. We get a glimpse at Sakura's new jutsu and a little set up for things to come! Enjoy this chapter and I thank you all for reveiwing!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, but I _would_ like to own Ino...Squeezes Ino plushie

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**Dreams and Nightmares**

The perverted hermit smiled at his student, "Hey Naruto. Good to see you again kid."

"Ero-Sannin…why are you here?' Naruto asked as a vein bulged from his forehead.

Jiraya's face took on a serious tone, "Naruto. I believe the time has come for you to take my place." He crossed his arms and leaned against the far wall. Naruto and Yui exchanged a glance before he stepped forward to face his master and she closed the door.

Jiraya was serious, Naruto realized. This meant one of two things. Either he had found some new information about rogues after him, or he was fatally ill. Now Naruto wasn't one to want someone to have pain.

But Jiraya didn't have any children and Naruto _was_ his apprentice. All that money and free time had to go somewhere.

The hermit struck a pose, "Naruto…IT HAS TIME YOU BECOME THE NEXT PIMP OF KONOHAGAKURE!" Jiraya called pointing at Naruto.

The blonde ninja in question went squint for a few seconds. "THE WHAT?!"

"Naruto-sama, a pimp is a man who-"

He turned on her "I KNOW WHAT A PIMP IS DAMMIT!" He returned to his…his…_master_…"What do you become the _next_ pimp is what I mean?"

Jiraya nodded. "The Shodaime Hokage's successor the Niidaime Hokage was never married. He carried with him a terrible burden of creating a strong ninja power. As he did this he slept with numerous women stress. Do the insane amounts of pussy he became a master of the erotic arts. I hear he could suck the nipples off-"

Naruto crossed his arms, "THANK YOU MOVING ON!"

Jiraya coughed into his hand. "Soon tales of his sexual might spread across the land of fire like…Wild…Fire…" Jiraya, who had gone into 'Kabuki Pose Mode,' had stretched out his arm; he now pulled it back and leaned back against the wall.

"Anyway his student, the third was also as good in the sack. And so…" he put his hand to his chin, "Am I. I passed on my womanly knowledge to the Fourth, who surpassed all who came before him just as I surpassed the third and _he_ surpassed the Second. Now, UZUMAKI NARUTO IT IS YOUR TURN!"

Naruto's eye twitched. He gritted his teeth and bent down. "What…the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ERO-SANNIN?!"

_That fucking name again…_"Naruto I am bestowing on you a great honor. There are women of this age who _still_ lament over the loss of the third amazing foot massage technique. He took it with him to the grave…old bastard…leaving me high and dry like that…" Jiraya snarled under his breath.

"So…yeah you want me to go on a what? Sleeping spree with every woman in Konoha?"

"Of course not! There is a fine line between a pimp and a man whore. Usually that line is made of purple cloth…heh, heh purple cloth." He pulled out a small handbook for ideas and wrote that joke down. _Genius Jiraya genius! _"You must choose women of renown for one or all of three different things. Each aspect makes them not only sexy but alluring and intimidating to men of lesser pimpatude."

_He did _not_ just say pimpatude…_

"When you have mastered bedding bitches like them you will gain the title of. Pimp."

Naruto, despite himself, asked, "And those things are?"

Jiraya held out his fist, "ONE!" He raised his index finger, "Their refusal to sleep with men. Making them not only virgins but hard fish to catch. Your rep will soar when you deflower a rose as thorny as it is beautiful! TWO!" He raised his middle finger, "Their power. By sleeping with strong women you build stamina. If they surpass your own strength you can work harder to be limber and agile with them. If you are stronger you can show them how easy it is to gain more power! AND FINALLY!" He held up his ringer finger, "Their sexuality. A kunoichi is noted as being the sexiest job for women ever invented."

"What about whores?"

"Too much implied occupational sodomy," Jiraya explained.

"Ah…"

"Anyway these women know what they are doing and will teach you how to better your techniques. All sexual abilities must be able to shift and change based upon the woman!"

"So you want me to bang every kunoichi in Konoha?"

"NO! Dammit boy you beat members of the Akatsuki with little more than your ass covered by what could be mistaken for an orange rind! And you don't realize yet what I am saying?" Jiraya roared.

"YEAH! YOU'RE TELLING ME TO BE A MAN WHORE!"

"NO I AM NOT! I'M TELLING YOU TO BE A MAN'S _MAN_! THE REPUTATION OF ALL WHO HAVE COME BEFORE YOU IS ON THE LINE!"

Naruto stood still and narrowed his eyes. "I knew it…IT'S NOT ABOUT ANY GODDAMN LEGACY! IT'S ABOUT _YOU_ GETTING MORE PUSSY BECAUSE _I'M _WHAT THE GIRLS FANTASIZE ABOUT NOW!"

"EXACTLY!" Jiraya said giving him two thumbs up.

"NO!"

"Dammit Naruto listen. The women you would sleep with are all ones I've picked out myself. BEHOLD!" he clapped his hands and a giant chalkboard appeared.

Naruto blinked as he saw chibi faces of all his female friends. His jaw dropped. "No… hell no…_FUCKING_ NO!"

"Yes, hell yes, _fucking_ yes! Naruto the women of your generation are the strongest kunoichi in the village. They are the most powerful and the most respected. Also most of them have a bust over 60 cm and are dead sex-ay."

"It is so creepy to hear to say that. Even creepier than the fact I fucking _expected_ you to know their bust sizes…"

Jiraya coughed into his hand as he hid a tape measure behind his back. "Anyway Naruto I know why you're apprehensive. It'll be hard, but once you lose your virginity-"

Naruto suddenly had a horrific vision, Yui would _tell_ Jiraya about Tsunade. He dashed to do anything in his power to stop her, to drop kick her in the _face_, to spank her, to tackle her-anything, sadly he overshot and flew over her. "But Jiraya-sama. Naruto-sama has already lost his virginity."

"Really? Wow Yui you must have inherited Joya's ability-"

"No it was with Tsunade-sama."

Naruto groaned and slammed his head against the wall. He looked and saw Jiraya. His mouth was agape and he staring like Tsunade was dancing naked before him. Then he hiccupped and covered his face with his hand.

"N-Naruto…" he dashed to his pupil and wrapped on arm around his neck as he started to cry. "YOU HAVE SURPASSED ME! By the time I was your age Tsunade would only give me the occasional flash of her panties as she beat me with my own broken limbs! How many times?" he asked, genuinely interested.

"Nothing special I didn't have enough-"

"Tsunade-sama gave Naruto-sama a blowjob and then proceeded to have four rounds of sex, two of anal and two of vaginal," Yui reported. Naruto glared at her.

_Yui-chan. _Naruto had never hit a woman when she didn't deserve it, against his principles and all that, but he wondered about the fine art of discipline. _Your ass will be so sore when I'm done no amount of Vaseline will help you…Damn I sound like _Orochimaru

Jiraya was crying harder now. He had fallen to his knees. "I'm so proud…now I know why my father did the things he did…"

_Dammit son! I told you to use lube there!_

_DAD? WHAT THE HELL?! Why are you here?!_

_I'm just looking out for you!…and your date's ass…here son! It's the kind _I_ use._

_YOU SICK BASTARD GET OUT OF HERE!_

_Can I stay and watch?_

_OUT GODDAMMIT!_

_Don't take the lord's name in vain son._

"Those were the days…and the nightmares…" Jiraya wept. He recovered and stood up. "Anyway. Are you ready Naruto?"

"NO! Sorry Ero-Sannin but I won't do it."

"Fine. See ya."

"HOLD IT!" Jiraya turned and looked at his pupil. "Just like that?"

"Just like that. I'm too old to try and manipulate your life Naruto. You've already banged Tsunade like she was a drum. Who am I, now, to tell you what to do? But be warned Naruto," Jiraya said as he opened the door and looked back, "it has already begun. You must prepare or fall to the might of multitudes of women. You can keep the chart. I have all the kunoichi arranged by order of rep building. Also there's a small hand out tapped to the back of the bored outlining how each will increase your rep."

And he was gone.

"Oh I have these lovely five by eights of-" A giant shuriken cut off one of the horns of Jiraya's headband. "I'll just leave them in your mailbox…" and he was gone.

Naruto looked at Yui who smiled, "He was nice."

It was too much. Shit like this doesn't happen randomly. And Naruto was tired of it dammit.

"WHY THE _FUCK_ DOES IT ALL HAPPEN TO ME?!

* * *

Tenten sighed as she, Lee, and Neji re-entered Konoha. She was so tired. The mission had been a rush job. After that Yui girl had showed up and the crazy thing with Lee at Neji's house a group of rogue Iwa-Nins (1) had barged into a village and taken it over. Of course the best taijutsu team in the village had been sent and they had dispatched the threat in only three days, but still… 

It was such a rush to get there before any real harm was done that Tenten had been tired and had actually missed three deathblows. Neji also looked haggard. The Hyuuga prodigy had been almost crying as he left for some reason. It had to do with why he had tried to spend the night with Lee, Lee! Of all people. He said rats or something had invaded the compound.

Tenten knew it was a lie, but still.

A night with _Lee_?

_NEJI-KUN! Are you asleep? True youth comes from sleep, that is true, but only AFTER THE TRAINING!_

_Lee we're in our pajamas…_

_PJ TRAINING!_

Something odd was going on around the Hyuuga complex. She heard from a merchant near there people kept screaming in the middle of the night. He said he also heard large 'SWAK' sounds, like when a paddle hits water or something. While it was all interesting Tenten was more inclined to wonder about what Naruto was up to with Yui.

Interrupting her thoughts Neji stopped and turned to Lee and Tenten. "Let's go out. A team outing. Diner maybe? Why not see the late film at the matinee?" he asked.

"FORGIVE ME NEJI-KUN! But I have yet to beat your curry eating record! Every time I get to forty I vomit uncontrollably! I'm going to go train with Gai-sensei to be a better eater to hold more down!"

That did sound creepy _at all_ did it kids?

Neji's eye twitched. "Tenten?"

"Sorry Neji-kun I'm going to go home and shower." He grabbed her arms.

"PLEASE! I BEG YOU! Give me a reason to stay away…away from…"

"From what Neji-kun?" Lee asked.

Neji gulped as he remember Hiashi's voice. _Neji if you tell anyone, and I do mean _anyone_ I'll tell the entire clan _and_ village about your experiment with 'hair dye.'_

"I can't tell you…BUT PLEASE Tenten!"

"Sorry Neji I'm really dirty. Lee Neji needs to get home as fast as he can. Can you help."

"NO! LEE I NEED NO ASSISSTANCE!"

"OF COURSE NEJI-KUN!"

Tenten pointed toward the Hyuuga compound "GO LEE GO! EXPLODE FOR NEJI'S ASSISSTEACE!"

"YES I'M OFF!"

Neji alternated between screaming and crying as Lee charged toward his home. Tenten laughed all the way home. As she walked past the Yamanaka Flower Shop she heard a loud smack and a louder squeal. She blinked and saw the door to Naruto's home open. She was sure the scream had come from there.

Overlooking his student's home Jiraya smiled as he saw Tenten enter. "I can't manipulate Naruto anymore, but that doesn't mean I can't manipulate his future bitches and hos…heh, heh…" Jiraya gave a peace sign to the screen. "Damn, I'm good."

Tenten entered the home and saw first, a pair of pants on the floor. She heard another smack. Following the sound she went upstairs and saw the bedroom door was open.

"Why did you tell him that? I warned you about him!" Naruto was bellowing.

"Forgive me Naruto-sama. I didn't know revealing having sex with Tsunade-sama would be such an impact to Jiraya-sama."

Tenten stopped dead, her face blank. Had she heard right? _Naruto._ Having _sex._ With _Tsunade_-sama? It couldn't be. There was no way that could happen. Tenten made her way to the door and hid her chakra signature. She peeped inside and saw something that made her blood boil. Naruto was sitting in a very plain chair. He had his shirt off and was obviously sweating the in the summer heat of his home.

Yui was naked from the waist down and lying on his knees, her round rump a light pink, turning red.

_He was _spanking _her…for letting spill about sleeping with Tsunade-sama…_Tenten felt heat spread in her body. Looking at him, Naruto, in a position of complete control was arousing.

No.

It was damn _sexy_. Yui was obviously not being hurt, more like a child being scolded for spilling juice and not asking for help to clean.

She took a soft breath and felt something happen between her legs. It was hot watching the younger man rub his chin as he contemplated Yui's half exposed back. The woman herself was patiently awaiting her master's decision.

"It's okay Yui-chan. You don't know him like I do. Well let's get ready we have a lot of planning to do." Tenten tensed up as she thought he would get up and see her, but Yui wouldn't move. "What is it Yui-chan?"

She blushed. "Naruto-sama would you…once or twice more…" she shook as he smiled at her.

"Oh…you want me to _spank_ you a bit more?"

"Yes Naruto-sama."

Naruto laughed. He put his hand on the sore buttocks and Yui shivered. Naruto's face took on one of gentle knowing as he began to massage the softer flesh. Yui moaned openly and pushed herself back into his hand. Tenten watched as her plump rear was squeezed and pinched by Naruto's calloused gentle fingers.

Her own butt started to grow warm. Naruto's hand suddenly flew up and slammed down hard on the left cheek. Tenten jumped as she watched the cheek swell and redden. Yui cried out much louder, especially when Naruto gave her the same treatment on her other cheek.

She wriggled as he returned to massage her. Tenten caught a whiff of a strong heady scent that made her heat bloom. She bit her lip to keep from making a sound. She turned then, realizing Naruto was rubbing some salve into Yui's butt to make it easier for her to move.

_Oh my Kami-sama! Oh my Kami-sama! Oh my Kami-sama! _She ran out of the house and back to her own small apartment._ Naruto has had sex with my mentor and idol! He's just banged the strongest drum in Konoha! And now he's…he's…WHEN THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?!_

* * *

Ino grunted as she tried to forget the feeling in her ass. She gritted her teeth as she gnawed on her sandwich. Her mother blinked as she watched her daughter eat so ferociously. Ever since she had come back from her new neighbors she had been like this. The senior Yamanaka-san knew better than to ask why her daughter was so angry. 

Ever since she and Sakura had done that horrible prank to the poor ramen stand girl, she had been trying to stay on her daughter's good side.

"Ino-chan-"

"NO I DON'T NEED ANY VASELINE!" she roared at her mother and went back to eating.

"Ah…good to know…" she replied.

Ino's eye twitched. Her ass throbbed even more now. It was the combination of her memory _and_ the hit Naruto had delivered earlier that day. It was aggravating!

And sexy.

_NO! _Not_ sexy at all! Naruto spanking me is not sexy. Unless he uses a paddle…or mmmm even a whi-NO! GODDAMMIT! Why the hell is this coming to me…_now_. When Sakura, my _best friend_ by the way is off in the forest somewhere sucking tree sap to get him and Yui-chan, did I just call her Yui-_chan_ oh dammit…is already sleeping and bathing with him…I'm jealous aren't I?_

Ino's mother watched as her daughter went from angry, to annoyed, to normal, to now slightly depressed. "Mother," she asked softly.

"Yes Ino-chan?"

"How do you know when you're in love?"

"Why honey?" she was kind of skeptical. The last thing she knew her daughter's definition of love had a six-pack and was pinned to her wall while the other part of the feeling ran on batteries.

Or chakra.

"Because-because whenever I see the boy I think I like…and he's with another girl."

"And you get jealous?" her mother asked, Ino nodded. "Then you don't love him." Ino gaped.

"But-" she began.

He mother cut her off with a swift hand movement, "No buts. Did you really love Sasuke? You saw Sakura even an inch closer than you were to him and your jealousy would go haywire. Ino-chan," she said as she saw Ino hang her head.

_So Naruto doesn't mean anything to me either? Just a cute boy so I can fu-_"Huh mother?"

"You know you'll love him because when he smiles, even if it is to or at another woman, you'll feel happy because _he's _happy. Do you understand?"

Ino nodded. Weakly.

"So what will you do?"

Ino's ass throbbed painfully. "Get some Vaseline…" she stood up and went toward her room.

Ino's mother blinked. _My daughter is insane…_

* * *

Kakashi blinked as he looked at Jiraya's little 'Pimp Training' pamphlet. Yes that's right… 

A fucking _pamphlet_.

"You actually did it?"

"Yep. Gave him the chart and everything."

"That's why you wanted that?" Kakashi asked as he read over point four: A pimp must never sleep with skanks. They hurt rep and cause bad things to happen to your penis. _Sweet Buddha…_

"Yeah anyway uh…did you know about him and Tsunade?"

"Yep."

"Did you uh…"

Kakashi held up a copy of the video. "Base footage. A few outtakes and some possible soundtracks," he said revealing a second disc.

"I love you Kakashi."

"Everyone loves me.(2)"

* * *

That night a holy terror ripped into the Hyuuga Mansion. The branch family rose up to protect their cousins as the main family members were defeated one by one. Even with it a good two thirds of its power sealed away it was still too much for them. The branch family's greatest guards assembled and prepared for one last stand. 

The majority of the ten ninja force had been decimated in one fell swoop. Now only three remained to hold the tide.

"RUN! OH MY GOD SHE GOT HACHIRO!" a young woman screamed as she scrambled past two Hyuuga compound guards. "RUN! RUN!"

"This is bad. Where's Hiashi-sama when we need him?"

"Where do you think? He's hiding in his closet again!"

"WHAT?! WE NEED HIM!"

"Yeah but remember what happened the first time?! I never thought a guy with an ego that big would be so aerodynamic…" he snorted.

A strong presence filled the dark hallway of the mansion. The two guards set up a chakra barrier and then turned running deeper into the compound. Neji was waiting for them, his brow furrowed the Caged Bird Seal glowing in the light as were theirs. "The barrier?"

"C-Rank sir! We've tried our best but she keeps breaking through them! Do you know why she's coming this way?"

Neji clenched his fists, "We hid the…_weapon_…in the servant women's barracks. She's after that."

The two shuddered. The _weapon_ was powerful if not odd. It had defeated twelve main family members in one swing the previous night. "So what are Hiashi-sama's orders?" he asked.

"He gave only one…" Neji closed his eyes in thought.

"Yeah?" the two guards asked.

"Don't let her hit me…"

The two fell over and recovered as the lights began to go on and off. "She's attacking the barrier! Neji-san what do we do?"

"We have to keep her at bay. There are only three more hours left in the phase so if we can keep the weapon out of her hands for that long then-"

An explosion cut him off as a chakra backlash whipped at them. "SHE BROKE IT THIS FAST!" Fuuken cried as she charged around the corner. "RUN AWAY!"

The three branch family members dashed before her and hurriedly entered a strong chamber with a reinforced door. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NEJI?!"

"Hanabi-sama…WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT?!" he screamed as he saw several of the women from both families huddled together with Hanabi holding _the weapon_.

"She came after me and I was scared…and…and I thought…" she cried and ran to Neji burying her face in his chest.

He put a hand on her head and assumed his 'Neji-Aniki' phase. "It's okay Hanabi-sama she can't break in here the door is strong. Fuuken and Hija are the best barrier makers in the entire branch family. They'll keep us safe…"

"Uh Neji-san…"

"Yes?" he asked turning to them.

The holy terror was holding both Fuuken and Hija by the throats. Her eyes were glowing in the dark. A twisted smile crossed her features as she stepped into the room. "Hello Neji-aniki…ah Hanabi-chan thank you so much for holding that for me…"

"Hinata-sama…please stop this…"

"Stop what?" Hinata asked as she was seen completely. The once shy and demure Hyuuga Princess was now a queen…

A dominatrix queen.

She wore high leather boots that encased her thighs, attached to her sandals, and were hooked to a leather garter belt. A pair of very slutty panties covered only the bare essentials of her sex while her once well-groomed bush was now completely gone exposing clean pale skin.

On her arms were a pair of gloves that left her fingers bare. The gloves wound up her arms and over her elbows. Her breasts and diaphragm were covered with a leather corset that had two straps of leather that tied around her headband's slate of metal making it resemble a collar.

"Give me my paddle Hanabi-chan. Be a good girl. I would want to have to…" her eyes reflected a deviant light of pure sexual evil, "_discipline _you."

Fuuken and Hija were both crying. _We're first…damned if she does…damned if she doesn't…_

"Hanabi…throw the paddle at her and run…"

"Neji-Aniki that would be good if this wasn't a closed square room…" Hanabi deadpanned.

Neji started and looked around the room. He quickly activated his Byakugan and saw a secret entrance, "There Hanabi-chan," he said putting a hand on her shoulder. "There's a secret entrance…"

"Thanks for the sudden news-cast Neji…but you're too late…"

Neji froze ad he moved his hand down the arm f the shoulder he was feeling. When he came to a leather glove his eye twitched. He didn't even dare to turn toward her.

"Neji-aniki…" Hinata chirped. "No one touches my leather…BUT NARUTO-KUN!" she swung the great paddle down, then up straight into Neji's face.

"NO HINATA-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he cried as he broke through the ceiling and flew over the village.

Down below, a young boy with massive eyebrows was looking at the stars when he noticed his eternal rival above him soaring like an eagle. "HASSU! That's! That's!" He took out a pair of binoculars and gazed at the flying person. "NEJI-KUN! He's gained the ability to fly! I MUST SURPASS HIM!" Lee hurried took out his personal copy of 'BOOK OF YOUTHFUL FACTS AND TRIVIA!' Quickly skimming the pages he found that the highest spot in the Land of Fire was Tenchiho (3) Mountain in the east.

"NEJI-KUN SOON WE SHALL FLY TOGETHER!" Lee's mind was suddenly encased by an image of him in a super hero costume. _I being the loser and second to follow in Neji-kun's master of slight I'd be the sidekick! But it doesn't matter as heroes we would show the youth of today how to stay the youthful of tomorrow!_

_Lee! Hurry my incredible family eyes show me something un-youthful happening at a predetermined distance that we can only get to by flying!_

_HASSU! Neji-kun! Glorious for I have just finished mastering the ability to fly!_

_THEN OFF! FOR YOUTH!_

"FOR YOUTH!" Lee said throwing up a fist. He looked around quickly and pulled from under his pillow a Naruto mask and bullhorn. He put the mask on and put the bullhorn to his lips. "GO LEE GO! EXPLODE FOR FLIGHT!"

He took it off and assumed his normal pose. "YES NARUTO-KUN! I'M OFF!"

And he was indeed.

Little did he know that Hiashi, several other Hyuuga elders, and Fuuken and Hija soon followed Neji in his tearful flight.

* * *

The next day Naruto sighed as he wiped his brow. He and Yui smiled as they looked at the board that previously held very naughty data facts about the females in Naruto's little click. "Well finally!" he said with a grin. The board had been infused with Chakra to flip its original writing over whatever was put on top of it. 

Jiraya is no fool, ho, respect.

Ahem…Anyway they had gotten the sound system and new TV shortly after the incident with Jiraya. And Naruto had quickly told them to ask for payment. He didn't want Tsunade getting angry and destroying something when she found out Jiraya knew about their little 'rendezvous.'

They had covered up the chart with a chakra imbued menu and song request list. They had given special instructions to not touch the chart otherwise. Yui had assured Naruto the chart's original writing would be sealed until they decided the old fool's plan had some merit.

Naruto personally thought it was all bullsh-

"Hello?" Naruto and Yui saw their door was open and Ino was waiting for them.

Naruto hung his head and then smiled, "Hey Ino-chan what do ya need?"

"I wanted to come and say…" she walked up to Naruto and bopped her fist gently on his head. "I accept your apology. But just because I accept doesn't mean I'll let you touch my ass got it Foxy?"

Naruto smiled. "You got it Ino-chan! So want to help us get some stuff for the party? We also need to invite everyone."

"Of course. We may be able to find Forehead while we're at it," Ino said ticking her hand.

"Sakura-chan…now that you mention it I haven't seen her for a couple days? Hmm, I wonder where she is…"

* * *

The scroll flashed brilliantly. Sakura smiled. The fourth aspect of this special jutsu was to make a contract with some sort of creature that gave you its power. After analyzing the scroll's descriptions she had come to the conclusion that it was like summoning one of the Eight Gates. After giving a little chakra you got a lot more in exchange. 

The only thing that bothered her was the creature she was supposed to make a contract with wasn't described.

But if there was a time for desperate measures, this was it.

Her blood dripped onto the paper and flashed. As it did a bright orange flame appeared before her. A male like shape seemed to hover over and from the flames before it took on a bit of detail. The body of a man with powerful abs and pectorials. His strong arms held out at his sides, his fists clenched. He had long flowing hair that wrapped into a braid and fluttered in the heat of his flame. His legs and groin grew from a spiral of burning mist that was the scroll.

She was blown back by the amount of chakra pouring off of him. **_Name yourself child._**

"H-Haruno Sakura…" she gulped.

_**HARUNO RAKUSA!**_

"Sakura."

**_Whatever. This technique you are learning is a powerful and forbidden Shinobi art. You wish to master it? Do you know of the dangers of it? Do you have any idea HOW MANY HAVE COME BFORE YOU AND SUCCEEDED?! HOW MANY HAVE FAILED?!_** The great fire summon spread his giant arms and became a beacon of pure energy. He rose over giving her a feeling in of such smallness she was like an atom in his universe.

"No…sir…"

**_Cool. Let's get going then. _**Sakura fell over.**_ Now remember, ancient ninja art, deadly in wrong hands, quote from the Spiderman move…yada, yada, yada, blah, blah…_**

"What was that last part?"

**_Nothing…JUST LISTEN MORTAL! I am a physical manifestation of the Will…Of…FIRE! My power is in short…_BITCHIN_! Why should _you_ of all people be gifted with it?_**

"I…I need it to prove I am the best!"

_**THE BEST?! At what pray tell!**_

"I…"

**_YES? Tell me! I'm a fool for little details like this!_** He rubbed his great hands together.

"Uzumaki Naruto…I want to be his-"

**_Uzumaki? UZUMAKI NARUTO?! You mean the container of the Dreaded demon fox spirit Kyuubi? Damn girl you set your sights high don't you? Well…if you used this technique you must _really_ want to meet his little demon fox…if you know what I mean…_**He said pointing to his own genital area. It, along with his legs, were really a mass of spiraling fire.

"Uh…yeah I get it…so will you help me or not?"

**_Sakura. This technique is so awesome it will knock your socks off! If ninja wore socks…Hmmm..._**He put his hand to his chin and jutted it out in thought. **_Hey why don't ninjas wear socks?_**

Sakura's forehead revealed a huge vein. "I DON'T KNOW JUST GIVE ME THE TECHNIQUE ALREADY!

The spirit cringed. **_You don't have to yell…_**He tapped the ends of his fingers together not unlike Hinata. **_Okay…strip down!_**

"What?"

**_You don't have any other clothes besides that cloak and your panties right? Well, giving you the technique will engulf you in _pure awesome_ so you can't just let it _pure awesome_ your clothes right off your body right?_**

"I…I guess so…"

**_THEN STRIP GIRL!_** He took out a boom box and started playing dance music. Sakura glared at him. **_What? I've been trapped in this damn scroll for nearly four hundred years! Give me a little booty shake here!_**

"You…DIRTY OLD MAN! YOU'RE WORSE THAN JIRAYA!" she punched him and suddenly recoiled as her first caught on fire. "YAY! OH GOD IT HURTS! BURNING!" she threw herself in a nearby stream and put her hand out. She crawled out and stalked back to him. "Bastard…"

**_Don't blame me. _You're_ the one that decided to punch a manifestation of _FIRE_ in the face. So bitch you gonna get naked now? You need to dry your clothes anyway._**

Sakura huffed and stripped out of her wet clothes and stood before the Spirit of Fire.

**_Are you truly ready Haruno Sakura?_** She nodded. **_Then here we go! By the way…_**He said as a ball of _pure awesome_ formed in his hands. He put a hand on her shoulder, strangely it didn't burn. **_Did I mention this will hurt like a bitch?_**

"Uh…no…"

_**Well then enjoy the awesome!**_

He flamed the ball of energy into Sakura's stomach.

_**PURE AWESOME-D!**_

Sakura grunted as she was blown back into the sky. _Man what a technique! It's giving me visions! _She turned her head. _Hey, is that Neji?...Can he see me naked from there?_

* * *

The Manifestation of the Will of Fire stood in his original position. His fires slowly dying out. Since his new contract was currently adapting to the change he had triggered in her body he was no longer needed. She most likely was out of chakra after calling him anyway. 

He smiled. **_So…after so long my power against the Kyuubi's. It's interesting. I never thought things would happen this way. Or this soon…_**

_**Did you…**_

_**Yai?**_

* * *

A/N: Well that ends Chapter 7! Oooh mysterious! Well anyway I hope you all are looking forward to the aprty and seeing how I've twisted everyone else in the Rookie 9. Also I've decided to ask for candidates for betas for ideas and chapters. Anyone interested send me a PM or e-mail. 

Dictionary:

1 (Iwa-nin): Hidden Stone Ninja

2 (Everyone loves Kakashi): Don't lie to yourself.

3 (Tenchiho Mountain): Literally: Heaven and Earth Fire.


	8. The Plot Spreads Out

A/N: A big hearty thanks to my friend on Gaia for being a Beta for this chapter and future chapters.

Enjoy

_Thinking_

"_Dog Speak or different language"_

**Author Interludes**

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

**The Plot Spreads Out**

Sakura staggered back to the scroll. She smiled when she saw the scroll but frowned when she saw a massive wooden sign hammered into the ground in front of it. "To Haruno Rakusa, if you live enjoy the _pure awesome_." The _pure awesome_ part was underlined.

Three times.

With bold lettering.

"Here are a few notes the scroll didn't contain. You'll be experiencing changes that will resemble puberty on _crack_. And _heroin_. With some _acid_ thrown in for good measure." Also underlined.

Two times.

"Anyway it will cause drastic changes in your body that may result in one or more of the following symptoms such as vomiting, diarrhea, loss of vision, drowsiness, weakness of the heart, bone pain, anal pain, vaginal odor, vaginal secretions, erectile dysfunction…"

* * *

Naruto sighed as he, Yui, and Ino walked toward the Akamichi household. "This is where my friend and teammate Chouji lives," Ino said as she walked up to the door and knocked on it. "His clan and my clan and our third member's clan are all part of the four noble clans of Konoha." She waved her finger as the door opened. 

"Hello Ino. Oh hey Naruto," Chouji said as he walked outside to meet them. "I would ask you guys in but my mom is working hard on some food that can't take a lot of noise or something."

"Are saying we're loud?" Ino and Naruto asked at the same time and voice level. They pressed their faces together and closed in on Chouji. Ino was angry because she was being called loud when _Naruto_ was louder than she could ever be. Naruto was angry because Chouji hadn't offered him any food.

"Uh…no…I'm just…" he held up his hands. "Oh hello I'm Akamichi Chouji," he said walking around the two blondes and bowing to the third.

"DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT DAMMIT!" the two blondes raved.

"H-hello I'm Noumaki Yui," she said bowing in return.

"Nice to met you so you're the one who's got Ino so riled up…" he said rubbing the back of his head and smiling.

_He…he does that just like Naruto…_

"WHO SAY'S I'M RILED UP!" Ino cawed shaking her fists up and down. Naruto, while trying to remain mad and look it, couldn't help but smile at Ino's antics. She looked at him for support but when she saw the smile, Ino growled and attacked him. She kicked his ass and knocked him over before stomping on his head.

"What did you guys need anyway?" he asked turning back to the two loud blondes.

Naruto stood and dusted himself off as Ino straightened up and calmed down, "Oh yeah!" they said at the same time. "I'm having a party and wanted to invite you. It's a home warming one so try and have your mom to give up that great sukiyaki recipe. We have a grill for it at home. And uh…"

"Yeah I know some of her special Miso ramen," Naruto did a little dance of happiness, "But for the sukiyaki she may make me sign a contract in blood though," Chouji and Naruto laughed.

"It will be this Sunday at 7:00. The building next to Ino's Flower Shop," Naruto explained. Chouji nodded, writing down the time and date before he said his goodbyes and went back inside.

"You see Yui," Ino explained as they headed off to find Shikamaru, "the Akamichi family not only makes the best soldier pills but also some of the best food in the entire village, if you don't care about weight that is. So the women of the family are kind of crazy about keeping the family secrets secret."

"Ah I see. Who are we going to go see next?"

"The laziest bum in all of Konoha…"

* * *

"WACHOO!" Shikamaru cried as he dropped his Shougi piece. "Dammit…" he grunted as his father quickly took his king. 

"I win…" he said softly.

"That's not fair…troublesome sneezes."

The two were sitting in the Nara family home playing again as usually. Shikamaru's mother was out working on something that they didn't care about and were happy to stay out of. Considering if they hadn't she would've given them the most workload.

"So son how's work been?" Shikaku asked as he reset his pieces with Shikamaru.

"The last time I slept was just before the Hokage festival."

"Shikamaru that was two weeks ago…"

"Yeah…"

Shikamaru's eyes were bloodshot and two heavy bags hung under them. "What's…been the trouble?" Shikaku asked. He watched as his son's head ticked to the side and soft snoring was heard. Shikaku took one of his taken pieces and tossed it to Shikamaru's forehead.

He snapped awake and picked up the piece. Grunting he replied, "Godaime has been making me do double shifts at the registration and her own office. That and Temari has been on the warpath."

Shikaku, a man who had an almost equal desire with his wife for a his son to have a future head of the clan smiled, "You banging her son?"

"No she's banging me with that giant fan…"

_Kinky…_

"She wants to spar so much now that I have no chakra to even think let alone challenge her with the Kagemane No jutsu or the variations. I can't keep up with the kids at the academy anymore let alone one of the junior leaders of the Suna council…"

"Why is that?"

"Some new girl has become Naruto's slave or whatever and Sakura and Ino are getting together for a plan or something and Temari wants to protect her or some such. I don't care anymore. I'm too tired for such troublesome bull-"

"SHIKAMARU!"

_Goddammit…_

"Hey Ino…" he said turning to her. She huffed at his normal lackluster attitude's overdrive mode. When Naruto and Yui came around saw him they gaped.

"ZOMBIIIIIEEEE!" the two cried and hid behind the house.

"Ugh you idiots it's just Shika with some horrible fatigue induced facial disfigurements. God! Everyone knows that…"

_Everyone who's a ninja trying to surpass the best medical Nin in the village…Hey that reminds me. I wonder if we'll see Sakura-chan soon?_

* * *

"Uncontrollable bowel movements and flatulence, sore feet, broken bones, sore teeth, brain pain, forehead wrinkles, tender nipples, flaky toenails, flaky fingernails, pubic hair loss, normal hair loss, back hair itch, itchy watery eyes, low mortgage rates, firework malfunctions, urinary tract infections, soggy cereal…"

* * *

"Hey Shikamaru this is Noumaki Yui. Yui this is Nara Shikamaru. He's got an I.Q. of 200 and is the best Shougi player in the village…" 

"And he's asleep standing up…" Yui commented.

Ino glared at her partner and backhanded him. He grunted and looked up. "Thanks whoever did that it was a troublesome dream…so what now?"

"We have a party coming up to celebrate Yui and mine's new home wanna come?"

Shikamaru weighed the options of this party _not_ sucking. "Fine. Tell Chouji when and where and I'll come with him. Now…"

They waited as he closed his eyes in thought. "Now what Shika?" Ino asked.

"Zzzz…" She growled and smacked him again. "Ugh…_that_ was a dream was _not_ troublesome."

The three left with Ino in a huff over her teammate. Yui leaned in toward Naruto and whispered to him, "Why is Ino so adamant about Shikamaru like that?"

"Beats me she tried to go out with him once but he didn't want to instead he chose Temari. She's still a bit sore over it…"

"I CAN HEAR YOUR FOXY!" she roared grabbing Naruto's throat and shaking him.

"GAH INO-CHAN I'M SORRY!" he cried.

Yui watched slightly curious why Naruto didn't just shake her off. Ino was nowhere near as strong as he is. She shrugged and grabbed Ino's own throat. She squeezed and Ino stopped shaking Naruto.

"UGH! Yui-chan what are you doing?"

Yui squeezed again, "I'm protecting Naruto-sama. If you kill him I would have to kill you and then myself. Honestly going to heaven with Naruto-sama would be a wonderful thing, but I do not wish your life on my karma."

Ino let Naruto go and Yui followed suit letting her go. "Uh…what loyalty…"

"Yeah thanks Yui-chan," Naruto said standing. Barely. "So…let's go find HINATA AND THOSE OTHER GUYS!" Naruto said throwing up a fist.

"You could at least remember my damn name Naruto…" Kiba snorted as he walked up with Akamaru at his side. Yui blinked and gasped. Kiba backed off as she dashed toward him. "Uh…Naruto did you decide to experiment with Bunshin and that freaky girl form of yours?"

"no this is Noumaki Yui my…retainer…and Yui what are you doing?" Naruto asked as Yui scratched Akamaru's ears.

She turned back to them with creepiest face Naruto had ever seen. It was almost…_pure adorable_ "EEEEEE!" she screeched. The three ninja covered their ears. "It's a wittle puppy! I wuv puppies!"

Kiba blinked. "Uh…dude your retainer is whacked…"

"Yeah…and Yui Akamaru is _not_ a puppy he's a big ass dog…"

"_But he's so cuute_!" she squealed.

"Naruto your bitch is bugging me…" Kiba grunted. "And why do you want to see Hinata and us anyway?"

Naruto's eyes went angry and he whirled on Kiba, "SHE ISN'T MY BITCH DOG BREATH!" Kiba, who wasn't listening or even _looking_ at Naruto, gave Naruto a quick flick of his middle finger as he continued to stare at Yui's reaction to Akamaru. "But uh…yeah," Naruto turned from the sight of Yui petting Akamaru back to Kiba, "I'm having a home warming party. It's to help Yui meet everyone. We wanted to invite you…" he looked at Yui and the dog, "and Akamaru but now that I see her and him…"

"Yeah I know what you mean. Oh and I doubt Neji or Hinata will be able to go," Kiba said.

"Huh why?"

Kiba held up his hand, index finger extended and leaned on Ino and Naruto. "I heard it from a Main Family Guard. A holy Terror was unleashed upon the Hyuga family that took most of the clan elders out and even managed to render NEJI helpless. Hiashi's ass was kicked as well!"

"Hiashi _and_ Neji? What monster could have done something like that?"

* * *

"WACHOO!" Hinata sneezed. Hanabi and the other servants cringed away and ran to the other sides of the rooms. "Hmm? Is everyone alright?" 

"Uh yeah Onee-chan everything is just fine…we….uh just heard that a bad bug is going around and thought you may have it. Germs and all y'know!" Hanabi laughed as her personal maid gave her a thumbs up.

_Good going Hanabi-sama!_

"Well that's fine. Hanabi-chan did you see where Neji-aniki and Father went this morning?" Hinata asked.

Hanabi looked at her maids. They shook their heads. "Oh they had important business to attend to! I'm sure that they'll be home anytime soon!"

* * *

"Hiashi-sama…where are we?" 

"The Land of Hard Knocks my boy…" he clenched his fists. _Uzumaki Naruto…I don't even care if you have the Kyuubi anymore…AFTER WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY DAUGHTER I SWEAR ON MY NAME AS HYUUGA HIASHI YOU WILL PAY!_

"Hiashi-sama?" Neji asked as he saw his uncle strike a very angry version of the 'Nice-Guy' pose.

Hiashi had an epiphany and turned to his nephew, grabbing his shoulders, "Neji…_you_ are the fastest and the youngest. I need you to hurry back to the village and…" he sighed. "And warn Hokage-sama as to what is happening to Hinata."

"But what about people hearing of this Hiashi-sama?" an elder asked.

"FOOL! Remember that is was OUR chakra that kept her inside the mansion compound." Neji and the elders gasped. "That's right now that she has reclaimed _the weapon_ and we are so far from the barrier's core she will easily be able to shatter it and get out into the village. Learning the heir of the Hyuga house has a spanking fetish is _nothing_ compared to what will happen if she pummels a few ANBU in her quest to meet Uzumaki's private areas!"

_Did he just say private areas?_

Neji, ignoring how obviously crazy his uncle had become took up his 'I'm too stoic of my pants' stance, and prepared to be cool. _Again_, "I understand Hiashi-sama! I'll do everything in my power to warn Hokage-sama about what is happening!"

"GO NEJI G-"

As Neji was about to take off he turned and pointed at his uncle his eyes flaming, "STOP! _NEVER!_ _NEVER_ SAY THAT! EVER AGAIN! IF YOU DO, SO HELP ME BUDDHA I'LL HAKKE YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!"

Hiashi actually cringed away from him, shaking. "Uh…alright…just y'know get there before dark…"

"FINE! I'M O-dammit…" _I almost did Lee and Gai's…fine why not…_"YES! I'M OFF!"

**Neji explode-**

"NO I DIDN'T! I'M NOT EXPLODING FOR ANYTHING DAMMIT! I'M JUST RUNNING SO DO _NOT _SAY I'M EXPLODING!"

* * *

"Well I'm sure you're right," Hinata said. She gasped as she saw the clock. She was due to meet Kiba and the rest of her team in twenty minutes. "I'll be at a team meeting if you need me I'll be around the number 12 training grounds good bye Hanabi-chan!" 

"Bye onee-chan!" Hanabi said waving. As soon as he sister was out of the compound she turned to her maids. "We have to warn Hokage-sama about Hinata! If we don't she could go crazy any time now! Let's hurry!"

* * *

Joya was always serious when the occasion called for it. In times when your true love could come and go in the span of only a few hours there was always a need for levity. Much like Naruto she turned her humor on and off, as Jiraya and Tsunade and Kakashi learned to. 

But when one learns they turned the heir of the most prestigious of all Konoha clans into a Dominatrix queen, you _had_ to laugh!

And that's exactly what Joya was doing.

On the floor.

Trying to breathe.

Tsunade's eye twitched as Hanabi and the acting head of the clan, an elder named Hikari explained watched Joya go partially insane. "Joya please…SHUT UP!" Tsunade screamed slamming her hand down on her desk.

"BUWAHAHAHA! BUT-BUT!" she wiped some tears from her eyes. "They…they called a damn _paddle…the weapon_!" Joya broke out again and fell over.

"Well you should see her use it!"

That got Joya going louder than ever. Tsunade stood and did a swift drop kick to her lover's face. "Sorry about that," she said sitting back down. "So Hinata has become some sort of berserker?"

"You mean: _Kinky _berserker! Right?" Joya called from the floor. Tsunade threw a large book on her head.

"Uh…" Hikari gulped, "Yes Tsunade-sama. We believe that the parts of her mind that normally kept her desires at bay have been bypassed somehow. After looking at her I believe it is the hypnosis that Joya-san used on her."

At that Joya stood, the book plastered to her face. She ripped it off and pointed at Hikari, "LISTEN TO ME OLD MAN!"

Copying her Idol, _You're one to talk obachan_…Hanabi thought.

Sipping her sake, _I'd say something but I'm only a year younger than her…_Tsunade thought.

Grunting like his lord, _She was a jounin when _I _was an _academy_ student…_Hikari thought angrily.

"MY HYPNOSIS IS THE BEST IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! I doubt that anything could have gone wrong! I mean hey it's not like Hinata…uh oh…"

Tsunade twitched. She opened her _special medicine_ drawer and pulled out a jug of sake. "Uh-oh? What 'uh oh?'"

"Well when I tried to make Hinata's waking mind forget about the little 'Naruto spanks bad girls' thing I may have just forced it deeper into her subconscious to do it…"

"And?" Tsunade asked angrily.

"Well there is a teeny, tiny, small little chance," she made a point by squeezing her fingers together, "that the actual act of Naruto spanking her could unleash all that she repressed _along_ with her little fetish, resulting in her becoming a powerful Kunoichi driven by sexual desire instead of killing intent."

Tsunade turned to Hikari, "Did Naruto manage to sneak in and give Hinata a love pat anytime soon?"

"No ma'am. We have patrols every night and when Hinata-sama went bat shit in…" he cleared his throat after Hanabi elbowed him, "began her changes we constructed A to C rank barriers on every opening that led out or into. Anyone who even walks into them would alert the entire elder council even in a drugged sleep. Not even _he_ could get in."

"So Naruto has never spanked Hinata eh?" Joya asked.

"Um Hokage-sama…?" everyone looked at Hanabi who was blushing badly. "That's probably a little bit…not true…"

Tsunade looked at the sake jug. She was going to need a _teeny, tiny, small little_ bit more liquor for this.

* * *

Kiba looked at his partner. _"Why are you looking so smug?"_ he asked Akamaru. The two had parted ways from Naruto's little posse and had gone directly to their meeting place, the number 17 training grounds. It was a large open field designed for stealth training with an adjourning forest fro tracking training. 

"_Naruto's bitch thought I was adorable!"_ he laughed.

"_I doubt Naruto has the backbone to make anyone his bitch."_

"_Actually master she had his smell all over her chest."_ Kiba did a double take. _"When she hugged me I caught a good strong whiff. Also there's something else on her that _could_ be Naruto's love funk."_

"Ugh," Kiba rubbed his eyes. "Whatever. _Let's just drop it for now okay? We…dammit _I_ need to ask Hinata something and thinking of Naruto banging that girl isn't going to help."_

"_Are you going to ask her to Naruto's party?"_

Kiba blushed violently as they saw Shino and Hinata approach their position. "Hey guys!" he called waving. The two nodded and Hinata happily waved back. _She's in a good mood. I hope Shino will get the hint and let me talk…_

"Is Kurenai-sensei here yet Kiba?" Shino asked when they had stopped near him.

"No she's going to be late. Tousa is being a bit of a problem lately so it's hard for her to find a sitter," he explained. He still thought it was crazy how Kurenai had announced her pregnancy only weeks after the father, Asuma, had died. Thanks to the Fifth Tousa was allowed his father's surname.

Kiba honestly liked the kid, like him he was born without knowing his father, but had always been split on the issue of it since he was the first real good male to come from his family in a while. Most Inuzuka successes were female members like his mother or Hana. Personally Kiba would prefer to not have any father if they were like Hiashi, who had always left a bad taste in his mouth.

Shino's glasses flashed under his hood, "I'm going to find some extra bugs then. I'll be in the woods." As he left and passed Kiba he said quietly, "We may be teammates Kiba, but Hinata is also my friend. Hurt her and I'll make your life hell."

Kiba laughed and shuddered a bit before scowling at the receding Shino's back. _Acting like the older brother type…Uchiha's brother was not as creepy as you are…_Kiba gaped as he saw Shino take out his Nin-Pod and turned it to 'Stealthing Dirty' (1).

Kiba turned back to Hinata who was sitting patiently on a log. _Come on Kiba! You can do this! You've faced Akatsuki! Missing Nin from all five villages! Anko and Kurenai's cooking! Asking the girl you like out is going to be…_

"Kiba-kun are you okay? You look a little red," Hinata said looking at him.

_Impossible…NO! SUCK IT UP! IT'S DOG TIME! if Naruto can do it! SO CAN I!_

"Well. The truth is Hinata…I'm a little nervous…"

"Why? Are you worried about this mission? I'm sure you'll be able to get into the Hunter ranks soon Kiba-kun."

"No," he shook his head and rubbed the back much like Naruto. "I…well you see…Naruto…he's having a party…and…" His words died in his throat when he saw Hinata's eyes light up. He flushed brilliantly and sputtered.

Hinata smiled and leaned forward and to the side toward him, "You would like to ask me to go with you?"

Kiba became so red he put Hinata to shame, "Y-yeah…"

She stood up and kissed his nose. Akamaru gaped and Kiba nearly fainted. "I'd love to go with you Kiba-kun…"

As Kiba's mind went bonkers thinking of what just happened Kurenai appeared. "Hello everyone…Kiba are you okay? You look like you have a fever."

Kiba then promptly fainted.

"Trying to catch me stealthin' dirty, rolling up like I been flingin' Ku-NAI…" Shino mumbled under his breath.

* * *

Now, when I say Joya was laughing her ass off at this point, I mean she was doing it on the inside, because if she were _actually_ laughing at what she just heard Tsunade would hurt her. And Joya was more scared of her lover than Jiraya was scared of gay fans of his book. 

Tsunade helped herself to a little _medicine_ and looked at Hanabi. "You're serious?"

Hanabi blushed violently. "Yes. Hinata has…well she's gotten over Naruto for the most part as he doesn't see her besides a friend so she's turned to Inuzuka Kiba-kun and-,"

"She's in _love_ with Kiba…and in _lust_ with Naruto?" Joya suggested. Tsunade gave her a warning glare and pointed. "I didn't do anything!" she grunted crossing her arms and turning her head.

"Basically," Hanabi said nodding.

"So what can we do about it Hokage-sama? Will dispelling the Jutsu work?" Hikari asked Joya.

She turned back to him and thought, "It _could_. But it could also release the dom…_berserker_ state into a waking reaction to everything not just sexual frustration. In her wet dreams about Naruto-,"

_You don't have to be so _blunt_ Joya-san…_Hanabi snorted.

_Crude…_Tsunade said with a little sip of Sake.

_My Kami-sama…I never want to hear that phrase again…_

"-She's spanked and it sets her off. Does Kiba feel the same way about Hinata?" Joya asked. Hanabi nodded, "Does Naruto know that?" she nodded again. "ALRIGHT! Thanks to the amazing mind of Nobonachi Joya I have conceived a brilliant plan!" Joya threw her fist into the air and emphasized it with an out stretched index finger.

Tsunade sipped her sake straight from the bottle, "Odd I seem to recall a 'brilliant plan' that caused all this mess."

Joya lowered her fist and switched fingers just for Tsunade. "FINE! Anyway the plan is: I'll make her subconscious mind react to the dreams the way her _waking_ mind reacts. She'll become flustered and will pass out if she wakes up…now if she is actually spanked in _real life…_" she shrugged.

"Can't you do anything better?" Hanabi asked.

Joya glared at her, "YOU KNOW FOR AN ENTIRE FAMILY OF VOYUERISTS YOU ALL COMPLAIN ABOUT A DOMINATRIX _VERY_ LOUDLY!" she bellowed.

Hanabi gaped and looked at Hikari who was whistling. "We…Hikari-san?"

"Uh…well you see Hanabi our family is uh…"

"Full of perverts who like to watch…"

"NOW SEE HERE!"

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK ABOUT _SEEING_ ANYTHING! I saw you checking me out! So you go for older women Hikari-kun?"

He glared at Tsunade, who let it wash over her as the sake washed down her throat, "DAMN YOU! Why is a traitor like you even _IN_ this damn office!"

Joya leaned in and glared at Hikari, "Wanna say that to _my face_ bitch!"

He poked her in the chest, neither of them noticed it was right on one of her small breasts, "I JUST DID YOU FISHY WHORE!

"WHO YOU CALLING FISHY?!"

"MAYBE THE ONE WHO SMELLS _LIKE DAY-OLD SUSHI_!"

"That. Is…**_ENOUGH!_**" Tsunade screamed as she shattered her desk into a thousand pieces with a drop kick. She took a deep breath and sighed. Sitting back down she was about to put her elbows on her desk but moved them to her armrests. "_Ahem_. Well so Joya how long will it take to do that?"

"If we get her here in less than an hour? Maybe the rest of the day. I'll need a quiet room and a soldier pill to keep my chakra up. Going through the girl's mind is tiring!" said the hypnotist nin.

"Fine. Hikari, Hanabi go find Hinata and bring her here immediately. Joya get what you need set up. I've got some work to do…" Tsunade said with a sigh. _I did promise after all._ "Well…**_GET GOING!_**"

"HAI HOKAGE-SAMA!" and all three vanished.

Tsunade let out a loud gulp of air and pulled a scroll from between her large mounds. Opening it she read what had to be the most horrible statement she had ever read.

_Special Mission Team. Uzumaki Naruto, for advanced stealth and ability training. Noumaki Yui, for Konohagakure basic training and adaptation._

And finally…

_Mitarashi Anko, commander._

* * *

"He just fell over?" Anko asked Kurenai. The two women were sitting in a dango shop, naturally, describing Kiba's wonderful little adventures in dating. 

"Yes. I'm guessing Hinata kissed him."

"HAHA!" Anko laughed, "What a bitch! Even _Naruto_ can last longer than a kiss!"

**She knows our little hero well doesn't she kiddies?**

"Speaking of him did you hear about that new girl?"

Kurenai looked up and blinked her red eyes glistening. Not many people guessed but Kurenai had become a stickler for gossip. Once her son was born and she had to stay home to care for him she had gotten to her neighbors, and their news, much better.

"Well Joya-sama is back!"

Kurenai blinked again. "Wasn't she killed in battle nearly _twenty-two_ years ago?"

Anko shook her head, "Nope, just captured. Made to deliver the Sandaime Mizukage's baby. And that baby is Naruto's new squeeze! She's his…" Anko looked around and leaned in. Kurenai matched her lean inch for inch. "_Retainer…_"

Kurenai sighed and put her fingertips to her forehead. "Doesn't she know that was meant for samurai not ninja?"

"Doesn't matter really. She's here to serve Naruto and I guess that title is better for him." The two looked off into space for a second before Anko thought of something, "Oh yeah that reminds me, what's been going on at the Hyuuga mansion?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well I went by there the night before last and I heard screams and loud 'SWAK' 'SWAK' sounds. So what's going on?"

"I have no idea. Hinata didn't seem fazed by or worried about anything…in fact she seemed a bit more confident than normal," explained the red-eyed ninja.

Anko shrugged and looked back her dango. She smiled and moved her eyes to her friend, "Didya hear?"

"Obviously not Anko," Kurenai sighed.

Anko wasn't put off, "Naruto's having a home warming party! He's invited most of the old genin teams and even the sensei's. Wanna go Nai-chan?"

"One: Don't call me that. Two: I can't I promised Tousa I would stay home with him for the weekend and teach him to read Kanji," she sipped her tea and thought about her son's smiling face.

"Bring him!"

"To a party where Kiba will most definitely bring beer he convinced his mother to buy for him, where Jiraya-sama will undoubtedly sneak into and put porn or something in the television, and where Shino will play that crazy 'Rap' music of his? No thank you. My son won't be forced into _that_ much insanity at his age."

Anko nodded, smiling inwardly. Little did Nai-chan know that Anko had been spending her last five baby-sitting sessions teaching little Tousa-chan curse words.

Compared to her, Jiraya and the Rookie 9 plus 3 were harmless.

"Well I have to go home. I'm sure the sitter is going crazy by now."

"Bye Nai-chan!"

As Kurenai paid and left she stopped at the door, "And if my son ever tells me I'm a 'fucktard' I'm going to genjutsu you right into a fantasy that puts Make-Out Paradise to shame."

Anko twitched as she watched Kurenai leave. _She wouldn't…would she?_

* * *

Naruto sighed. "Yui come back!" he called. Yui was hiding around a corner shaking. 

"Naruto-sama, I do not wish to be in the presence of…of…_them_!" he cried hiding behind a trashcan in the ally. _The devil's eyebrows…_

"Ino watch her for a second please while I invite Gai. She's a bit weirded out by his eyebrows," Naruto explained as he rang what Gai had labeled 'The Doorbell of YOUTH!'

"Who isn't?" Ino countered. She sat next to Yui and put a hand on her shoulder. The girl huddled into Ino's side causing the younger blonde to blush.

"GOODDAY NARUTO-KUN!" came from around the corner. Naruto's voice followed. "OF COURSE! Currently my adorable student Lee is at his parent's home do you know where it is?" Naruto replied. "I'LL SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE AND INVITE HIM MYSELF! I'M OFF!"

An explosion rocked the street and a cloud of dust blew by as Gai took off ton find his student. Naruto appeared and waved. "Well let's hurry up!" he laughed.

As they walked towards the next house Naruto turned to Ino, "Who's left?" he asked.

"I think only Tenten. Kiba said he'd invite Shino and Hinata along with Kurenai. Gai is obviously coming so that only leaves her if Hinata invites Neji."

"Yeah let's get over to her house and finish this up, me and Yui-chan need to get the supplies for the food and the drinks. While Kiba's mom buying us beer is appreciated it isn't the only thing I want to drink. Besides the last time we couldn't keep it away from Lee…and well…"

Yui watched and Naruto and Ino had a horrible vision pass between them.

_HEY! YOU! YEAH YOU! PLUM TREE! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY _MOMMA!_ NO _YOU'RE_ AN ARTICHOKE! _

"What happened?" Yui asked.

"Ever see a drunk martial artist kick box a tree into oblivion and then use the splinters to make a replica of his greatest rival and destroy that?" Naruto asked. Yui shook her head. "We can ask Kaka-sensei to bring his laptop. He has the video tape on his Nin-Space page."

Ino laughed a little as she remembered Kakashi catching the entire thing on tape. If she remembered right he had a decal on the side of his camera that said 'God of Zoom Feature.' She giggled at the memory and saw Tenten's large apartment building.

"That's it," Ino said pointing. Naruto gaped. "Yeah I was surprised too. It seems Tenten's grandfather is a big weapons maker who lives outside the land of fire. He sends her money monthly. I guess it's enough if she can live in some of the best apartments in town…" Ino trailed off as Yui and Naruto walked up to the building.

There was no doorman, but there was an intercom. Naruto blushed as he asked Yui to translate the Kanji for him. She pointed out Tenten's number and pushed the button.

* * *

Rock Lee's parents were normal people. In truth Lee's father, a man who was very similar in appearance to Gai, was a very calm man, if not for the fact he drank a bit too much. He had wounded his leg during a critical competition, he is a practiced martial Artist, nearly fourteen years ago and had to use a crutch ever since. His wife's family inheritance and Lee's ninja funds paid for the family. 

Both Rock Lai (2) and Rock Longhua (3) are skilled fighters. Trained in the old ways of martial arts they did not believe in killing and therefore did not become ninja. Also their ability to use chakra was never fully developed, genetic problems they passed on to Lee. Lai had been sad when his son decided to follow what he called a 'blood soaked path for a warrior' but when he saw how his son had become so enamored with it he backed down.

He was sitting at his kitchen table reading the paper late. It was already past noon and he was enjoying some coffee and sake. He knew it wasn't good to drink so early, but he preferred the mixed tastes.

His wife made it to help Lee build up an immunity so he didn't go crazy at every party he went to.

The drunken fist was a dangerous weapon.

Especially when your mother had a love of crystal Chinaware.

Personally Lai liked how Gai was helping his son out and the man himself. Their names were similar, so was their hair, and they even had similar tastes in sake. But there was something that got to him about his son's sensei.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

Oh yeah…_that shit_.

"Longhua!" he called. His wife dashed to the front door while he went to the back. They opened them at the same time and Gai flew through the front and out the back before rebounding on a large rubber tree they had planted specially for Gai.

He rolled to a stop at their table and sprang up. "GOOD MORNING LAI-KUN! LONGHUA-SAN!" he called.

"It's," Longhua looked at her wrist watch, "past one Gai. Can I get you anything?"

"My nose smells the brewing of delicious coffee! May I have a cup Longhua-san!"

"Very well," she moved past him to the kitchen.

"What can we do for you Gai?"

"I came to see Lee. His training partner and friend Naruto-kun is having a party and he wanted to invite Lee but did not know where Lee lived! SO I VOLUNTEERED TO INVITE MY ADORABLE STUDENT MYSELF!"

_It's really creepy how he calls Lee _adorable…Lai thought to himself. Longhua reappeared and handed Gai his coffee. Thanking her he sipped it.

"Ahhh! I can always count on your magnificent skills in the kitchen Longhua-san! Is Lee still in bed?" Gai asked because he knew Lee always did is chores when not training or was helping his father relax his wounded leg.

"No he left in the middle of the night screaming something. I guess he decided to do some personal training. I really hope he told the Hokage about it…" Lai sighed.

"Thank you Lai-kun! Longhua-san! Seeing as Lee is not here I shall finish my coffee and take my leave! I shall not disappoint Naruto-kun! I'll find my student Lee by the time of the party or I'll-"

"NO!" Lai screamed. "The last time you said anything about your 'self inflicted punishments' I woke up with you doing raps to the Aburame Clan's 'Jigger Bug' Mix tape! I'm not having you do that here finish your coffee and GO GAI!"

Gai blinked. "Yes Lai-kun…" he drank all of his coffee in one go and returned the cup. "WELL THEN! I'M OFF! REVERSE DYNAMIC ENTRY (4)! (Which in truth is Dynamic Exit!)"

* * *

Tenten was not what one would call strictly 'private.' In fact she enjoyed talking to people and venting the to her homes, but when she found out a boy she had honestly developed a good natured crush on had just _had sex_ with her idol, who was nearly _three times_ his age I might add, she really didn't want to be disturbed. So, after drinking a little, and hearing the alarm for her doorbell she sat up from her couch and growled. 

Stomping to her door she pressed the 'send' message and screamed, "WHAT?!" No answer. "IS THIS A FUCKING SALES CALL BECAUSE IF IT YOU BETTER HAVE SOME DAMN FAST LEGS!" she bellowed.

"Uh…hey Tenten-neechan…"

Her finger fell back and she gasped. _Naruto_ was _downstairs_. "Naruto? Is that you?" _Play it cool Tenten he's can't know that you saw him…_she took a gulp of air…_spanking that Yui._

"Hey I wanted to ask you about something-"

"NO! I WAS NOWHERE NEAR YOUR HOUSE TODAY! I didn't happen to see anything!"

"Uh…okay Tenten-neechan. I wanted to ask if you would come to a party I'm having at my new house…"

Tenten knew her face was beet red. _Smooth girl. Why not admit to it. It's less embarrassing than whatever that shit you just pulled was…_"Tenten-neechan?"

"UH?! Oh sorry Naruto. Yeah I'll be there. When is it?"

"7:00 Sunday. I'm glad you're coming Tenten." She blushed deeper, "Lee's coming and you know Kiba's bringing some beer. Will ya help me keep him away from it?"

Tenten smiled, "Yes. I'll help you Naruto."

"Cool see ya Tenten-neechan!" And Naruto left. She sighed and pressed her back against her door and slid to the floor.

"Anyway I can…"

* * *

A/N: Well kids that's all for now. The next chapter will include everyone getting ready for the party. Sadly I must result to toilet humor on the part of Sakura, but you know...I think we all see she deserves it. 

Also yes, it is official Kiba and Hinata will get together. And for those of you who wanted her to bang Naruto, well I've got myself a little plan that will help things along.

(Manacial laughter)

Ino: Don't mind him folks he's jsut an idiot...

Dictionary:

1 (Stealthing Dirty): A song about how ninja keep getting rolled up on by the man even when they _aren't_ assassinating and shit. Respect the Nins yo…

2 (Rock Lai): Lee's dad. I think the man seen with Lee on Chapter 82's cover page is him. Name made up.

3 (Rock Longhua): Made up, looks like Sakura with black hair and eyes.

4 (Reverse Dynamic Entry, a.k.a. Dynamic Exit): Just as Gai enters he will leave it as youthfully and elegantly.


	9. Such Language

A/N: Hello my fans. Anyway I've changed a few things, as you'll have noticed. Scenes that don't change character focus, like the same characters only in different areas, now feature a new break and the Chapter is centered. The others will be updated like this soon enough.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto but I do own your attention which is tentamount to _your souls_ in this day and age.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**Such Language!**

Naruto sat up in his bed on Saturday and yawned. It was barely past sunrise and he was ready to get things going. He looked at the sun, just over the horizon, and then at Yui. As usual she had rolled into a ball around Ko-chan and was snoring gently. Naruto woke her up a different way each day merely because he thought her reactions were adorable.

He tickled her just above her thigh and she wiggled away from him. He followed her with his hand until she opened her eyes. "Tired…"

"I know but we have to get the stuff for the party remember?" he asked as he nudged her. She sighed and sat up.

"Yes. If I must…" she said playfully. She got off the bed and quickly undressed heading to the shower. Naruto followed her and they bathed together again.

"So what are the things we need Naruto-sama?" Yui asked as she took a towel to his head.

"I can dry my hair myself!" he grumbled.

"The spikes in it say you cannot," she countered as she forced him to sit on the toilet and let her do the work.

"Anyway…we need some extra food, sukiyaki is good but it won't be enough for the horses that will be coming over. I have a serving platter that would work for some finger foods. Do you think a big dish would be good for like a meal or something?"

Yui began to squeeze the water from his bangs, "I'm sure the sukiyaki will be good, let's focus on smaller foods that won't make anyone too tired or full. Do we have glasses?"

"Yeah."

"Plates?"

"Yeah."

"We'll need the ingredients for the sukiyaki and more drinks. Also it would be good if we got a fold out table and a sheet to put things on." She took the towel off and began to dry her own hair, moving to their bedroom.

"And you need some more clothes right?" Naruto asked following her. He blinked and couldn't help but blush a little as she bent over to look in her bags, as she hadn't even put a towel on.

"Yes…just a shirt and some pants for tomorrow would be good for now. You haven't had any missions lately so I'll pay for them." Naruto bopped her on the head. Her eyes teared up and she held the spot where he struck her. "Ow! Why did you do that Naruto-sama?" Tears formed in the corners of her eyes.

"Because you said we should pay for everything together. Your clothes will be worn while _serving_ me right?" he asked winking. She smiled and nodded. "So I'll have a say in it. Now let's get the clothes we need for _today_ on and go shopping!"

"Of course Naruto-sama!"

* * *

Tenten fiddled with her fingers as she stared at the house in front of her. She was embarrassed for even thinking about this. But this was the only person she could go to. Slowly she pressed the doorbell. As it rang inside she heard a loud happy voice. 

"I GOT IT!" the door suddenly unlocked and opened a young boy with spikey black hair and bright red eyes gazed up at her. "TENTEN-NEECHAN!" he cried leaping at her. Gasping Tenten grabbed the flying Sarutobi Tousa and fell backward. If Kurenai had not appeared and grabbed her belt the two would have gone tumbling down her stoop.

"Hello Tenten, how are you?"

"F-fine Kurenai-sempai…"

"Come in won't you?"

Tenten straightened up and carried Tousa inside. As soon as he had gotten tired of Tenten, which was two minutes at most, he leapt to his mother, who caught him on the fly and glared into his eyes. He laughed and put his hands together. "KAI!" he called.

Tenten blinked. _Did she just try to cast a genjutsu on him? And did he just _dispel_ it? _

"Sorry about the little surprise here," Kurenai said as she put her son down and patted his back toward the kitchen. "He gets tired after breakfast but his second wind kicks in whenever someone knocks. What did you need Tenten?"

"Well I wanted to ask you something…something private…"

Kurenai blinked herself. "Tenten, just because your period is late doesn't mean that you're pregnant in fact I still had mine when-"

"THAT'S NOT IT!" Tenten screamed her face crimson.

"NOT IT!" Tousa cried as he dashed by, a bowl of some cereal made of pure sugar in his hands.

"IN THE KITCHEN TOUSA!" Kurenai bellowed at him. "Sorry Tenten, how about we sit down and you tell me what it is?"

They did, as Kurenai made her some coffee Tenten recounted what happened. When she got to the part about Tsunade and Naruto Kurenai almost dropped her cup. She blushed deeply and looked down at the coffee she had barely tasted.

"It…no. Not even Tsunade could get _that_ drunk…"

"I really don't think he set the whole thing up for me to feel weird either. Could Tsunade-sama have made an illusion and done that to Naruto?"

"No. One Tsunade-sama isn't that good at genjutsu and two she wouldn't do anything that would hurt Naruto like that. He's like a son to her in any case…" Kurenai stopped as she realized what she had just said. "Well there's a good chance it…_may_…have happened. But what does that have to do with you Tenten besides the possible trauma?"

Tenten grew solemn. She held her coffee cup in both hands. "How…how did you know you were in love with Asuma?"

Kurenai looked at her and smiled. "I think it was when I didn't feel like seeing anyone else besides him. Why do you ask Tenten? Are you in love with Naruto?" Tenten blushed. "No I don't think you are."

"What why not?" sputtered Tenten.

"Because it wouldn't have taken learning about a woman he had sex with to make you ask the question. If you really did love him it would have been a more serious relationship…" Kurenai then remembered what Anko had said. "Are you sure it's Tsunade you're feeling jealous towards…or this 'Yui' girl?"

"Well…"

"Tenten, here how about you just try and remain calm around Naruto. Don't think about things like love just yet. If you really feel that way then try and spend more time with him. Also don't focus on any one man if there's a chance he won't be looking for the same from you. It makes things less complicated and easier to handle in case he does decide to be with you.

"So just relax and take things easy okay?" she asked.

Tenten smiled and nodded. She rose and bowed to Kurenai. "Thank you very much Kurenai-sempai. I'll see you around. Good day," she turned and headed for the door. "Goodbye Tousa!"

"Bye fucktard!"

Kurenai winced as she saw Tenten gape and blink at Tousa. "Well…it'sbeengoodtoseeyouTentengoodluckwithbaggingfoxy (1)!" Kurenai ranted as she threw Tenten out. Glaring at her son, who happily ignored his mother and went to go draw on the walls, Kurenai held up her shaking fist. "On my chain smoking lover's soul I'll get that horny snake girl for this if me name isn't Yuhi-Sarutobi Kurenai!"

Somewhere said snake girl sneeze all over her dango.

* * *

Kiba stretched and stalked into his kitchen. Even the cold shower he took this morning hadn't woken him up entirely. He looked around and saw his mother drinking some coffee while Kuromaru, her canine partner, read the morning paper. He was in human form and was chewing on a bone. 

"Morning bitch," he grumbled. Kiba snarled at him. "Don't do that. I can call the boy who passed out from _one kiss_ anything I want. Right Tsume?"

"Yep," she said as she blew on her coffee and drank some. "Really son I was so sad when I realized the man who would eventually head the Inuzuka clan was a man with no stamina…"

Kuromaru added, "Or balls."

"Or balls."

"Both of you can kiss my ass," Kiba had learned long ago not to say 'bite' as Kuromaru was an ancient smart ass. Akamaru barked in agreement before he snickered at his superior dog's joke.

"Well Kiba I'm glad you finally decided to let the girl know how you feel. It would be a good day when I can walk up to Hiashi and actually put a hand around his shoulder and cry at our children's wedding!" she said feigning tears.

"I doubt Hiashi will let a flea ridden whore like you near him in the first place no matter _who_ is banging his daughter…" Kuromaru mumbled. Tsume backhanded him with enough force to knock him out of his chair. He changed back to his normal form and snarled. He turned back and climbed into his chair, wary of his master's second attack.

"So what happens if she isn't over Naruto, Kiba?" Tsume asked.

The young heir of the clan winced as he hit his head on the roof of the fridge. He looked at his mother and then at the ground. Closing the door he rubbed the back of his head.

_Does everyone do that now?_ Tsume asked as she watched her son copy Naruto's action.

"I guess…I'll let her get over him."

Tsume spat out her coffee. "WHAT?! You mean you'd let Naruto…" she couldn't help it, it was a serious matter but _she_ was a smart ass too, "get foxy style with Hinata?"

Kiba looked at his mother and smiled sadly. "If that's what she wants. I don't really care if it's what makes her happy. Besides how can I say anything when I'm not a virgin eh?"

Tsume smiled at her son. That was the most mature thing he had ever said. And it made the mother in her…wait. "YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN?!"

Kiba realized his mistake a bit too late…

"Uh mom what I mean is uh…! Well you know…"

She stood up and gathered chakra to her giving her a feral appearance that would have made the Kyuubi cringe. "WHO IS IT?! WHO'SE THE LITTLE BITCH?! WHO'S THROAT AM I GONNA TEAR OUT FOR TAKING MY SON'S CHASTITY!"

"Calm down you old bag," Kuromaru said as he lapped some water. Tsume whirled on him.

"Did you hear that? How can I sit still knowing that my son had his cherry popped by some damn hussy?"

"And what would you call what you did with _his_ father?" Kuromaru asked.

Tsume's bestial form disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Her face was so read the tattoos weren't visible. "THAT'S DIFFERENT!"

"I'll say it was different. I never saw a dog suit with holes _there_ before," he grinned.

Kiba felt the dinner he had last night rise. "You…you can't be serious…Mom tell me you didn't!"

"Kiba there are some things men and women do that _may_ involve something called 'role play' and when this is done with animals suits, or chakra enhanced Henge based on family special techniques, it's called-"

"NO! NO MORE! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I CAN'T KNOW MY MOTHER IS A FURRY QUEEN!"

"Queen? Fuck that, Goddess, there's still an Internet site based on it."

"BY INU-KAMI (2) I DID NOT JUST HEAR THAAAAAAAAAT!"

Akamaru sighed, "_I haven't gotten breakfast yet…_"

* * *

When Tsume was tormenting the mind's eye of her son Naruto and Yui were stepping into a large convenience store. The owner and main cashier was one of the many people who had tolerated Naruto. The reason was simple. 

Ramen.

The boy was _bonkers,_ I'm talking apeshit, for ramen and the owner could have retired if he put pure Ramen on the shelves of the store and let Naruto run rampant. He had known the boy for a long time, and had even contributed to his second most infamous jutsu, the deadly Oiroke No Jutsu. While he would never _admit_ it, he was proud it was his store's dirty magazines that had made the technique that could knock out the Third.

He also believed that Naruto would never find a woman who would put up with his little quirks, don't get me wrong, the boy was smart, caring, selfless, and strong. But…a woman can only take so much orange before she takes paint to something.

So when one of his best customers came in with a woman, a _beautiful_ woman no less, he was a bit surprised. "Oi Naruto you finally take up your Sensei's ideas?" he called.

Naruto bristled. "NO! THIS IS NOUMAKI YUI! She's a good friend and is my retainer!"

The old man had never heard _that_ one. "I was thinking more like concubine," he chuckled.

Naruto was about to give the old man a powerful punch that Tsunade would have been proud of, but Yui pulled him away so they could buy what they needed. "Naruto-sama I'll get the plastic wear you get the food alright?"

"Yeah, yeah…" he grumbled as he stuffed his hand into his pockets and clenched his jaw forward. As he grabbed a cart and began dumping random cups and bowls of ramen he eyed a long bright blonde ponytail. "Ino-chan!" he called happy to see someone who didn't associate Yui to banging.

She turned and looked up. "Hey Naruto getting things for the party?" she asked as she looked at the ramen.

"No this is for me and Yui. We decided to come here for some little things so we don't run out of good food when a certain bunch of…" he coughed the word into his hand, "eat everything from under us." Ino let that one go. "What are you here for?"

Ino blushed and held up a few healthy dinners. Naruto grinned. "What is so funny?" Ino asked angrily.

"I'm sorry Ino-chan. I always thought it was kind of funny how you and Sakura-chan always tried to lose weight when you both looked perfect to me. I mean you have no fat already! That looks like all muscle!" he said pointing to her slightly bare midriff.

She blushed. "It's not," she whispered. She squealed as she felt two warm hands take her by the sides and squeeze.

"It is a bit soft!' he chuckled. He stopped laughing when his mouth was full of floor tile.

"Na. Ru. To…" Ino snarled dragging out syllable of his name.

"Sorry Ino-chan," he apologized while standing back up.

That was when it went bad…

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

As Naruto and Ino bumped into each other Yui looked at the make-up. She glanced over at her master and then at Ino. She saw the lip-gloss and the blush on Ino's cheeks. Thinking back Yui saw that almost none of the Kunoichi wore make-up. Tsunade wore some eyeliner, but just that.

She decided to get some blue and orange eyeliner and a few bottles of the same color nail polish. Glancing at a jade green she smiled to herself and got some of that as well. She dropped them in the basket she had picked up and headed to the plastic ware. Passing the drug side of the store she saw some of the little home remedies.

Because she was a Youma, and Naruto was the Kyuubi's container, they didn't _need_ anything like that. She put her fingers to her chin, much like her sensei would do, and then noticed the condoms. Blinking she bent down and picked a box up.

_Naruto-sama's body has no infallacies. Because of the Kyuubi he is at the top form of all health. It may also increase his fertility. I doubt we have to worry about Tsunade-sama catching the preggers anytime soon but the younger women…_

She looked at the box and then turned it over looking at length it would fit. _These aren't nearly big enough. _She took another box. _Neither are these…_sighing she went up to the counter. "Excuse me…"

"Yes dear?" the plump wife of the owner asked looking at the lovely girl. She was like Naruto in a lot of ways, she even had the same look he had when he first came in. When she saw the box and the girl's face she smiled. "don't know which size?" Yui nodded. She decided to take pity on her. She was obviously trying to keep from either embarrassing Naruto or herself. "Tell me the length and I can help…"

Yui nodded and reached up to whisper it. The older woman's face changed from one of amusement to a strange mix of dreaming and slight wonder. When Yui leaned back the owner's wife gaped at her.

"Is that…you know?" she asked. Yui blushed. She shook her head. "_NARUTO_ HAS A 25 CENTIMETER DICK! WHEN _LIMP_?!"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Ino laughed. The joke was crude and really bad to tell someone, especially to a medical ninja, but it was hilarious. Ino was laughing up a storm until…"_NARUTO_ HAS A 25 CENTIMETER DICK! WHEN _LIMP_?!"

That made the laughter of both blondes to die. Naruto didn't want to look over, but he did anyway. He saw Yui was being handed a box of condoms by the owner's wife. He grimaced and made a little sound in the back of his throat when she winked at him.

_She…she didn't…she couldn't…_

A little voice, from deep inside of him snickered, _Oh she did…but you should _really_ be worrying about the female in front of you not the one you have control over._

Naruto turned to Ino who was looking down. Naruto hoped _to god_ that she was scrutinizing the floor. And not his crotch. It was hard enough finding any pants that kept his little…big secret, _secret_.

Naruto had only one recourse. _KAGE-BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!_

Three Narutos appeared around the original. One dashed through the aisles with cart jamming the food they needed into it. A second leapt over half the store to grab Yui and what she bought. The third took money from the original and paid for everything before vanishing.

Naruto, head down, said goodbye to Ino and stalked out of the store slowly. The women watched him, their faces red and their eyes hazy.

As soon as he was out of sight they all squealed. Ino's own eyes and face were too focused on the memory of being in Naruto's _lap_ with his…his…_thing_…under her belly. It made her ass ache. She looked at the diet dinners in her hand and threw them back into the freezer.

This was no time for weight management, this was a time for private area management.

* * *

Naruto is not a stupid man. He has an understanding of people and the human spirit that his seniors cannot match. But what he, along with almost every male in Konoha, do not know is that the Kunoichi have a secret letter that goes around and puts little details out for all to know. 

The letter was added to and resent for confirmations and the like.

As Tenten, Hinata, Shizune, and Tsunade looked at the latest one they all froze.

Tenten broke the wooden staff she was oiling.

Hinata had the urge to find Naruto out, but to the relief of her sister and current clan head, that she remained herself.

Shizune took a good long, excuse the pun, look at becoming a lesbian.

Tsunade grinning with pride took out a certain DVD to remember with even _more _pride.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Joya, who knew of the letter but didn't really care about it, was walking down the streets of Konoha, heading to the Hyuuga compound to…'acquire' Hinata for…'rehabilitation.'

Joya had a wonderful way with words.

A sudden vibration made her blink. She took a small radio out of her pocket. "Hello?" she asked tying it around her neck.

"_Hello Joya-sensei,_" Yui's voice replied.

"Hello Yui-chan. What do you need dear?"

"_Well it appears that Naruto-sama's…uh…_dimensions_ have been revealed to the general female populous._"

"It's only the ninja Yui-chan. You can kill any of the hussies that think they can take on big poppa fox."

"_WHO THE HELL JUST CALLED ME THAT?!_" Naruto's voice raged over the radio.

"_It wasn't you Naruto-sama I believe Joya-sensei was referring to your penis._"

"_THAT'S A SHIT LOAD BETTER THEN _ISN'T IT"

Joya snorted laughter as she approached the Hyuuga mansion. "I have to go." She took the radio off just as Naruto yelled something to a chunin girl who had been gazing at him a bit too hard.

"State your business please," the main guard asked.

Joya snorted, "I am senior Hokage Assistant Nobonachi Joya. I've come to help you settle your…_problem_…"

"What problem ma'am?" Joya made a spanking motion in the air. "YES MA'AM! ALERT THE CLAN HEAD NOW!"

Hikari dashed outside and bowed low. "Hello Fishy…Joya-sama. I'm glad you can help us with…_the problem_…"

Joya allowed the Fishy comment to pass and headed inside to find Hinata. The heiress was regarding a small notebook and looked up. "Hello Hinata-chan."

"H-hello Jo-Joya-sama…" she said gulping.

Joya's eyes began to glow and flash golden with a rhythmic beat and Hinata froze. "Don't be scared Hinata-chan. I'm only going to put your mind to ease."

"Not scared. Not…scared…"

"Good. Now let's talk about Naruto…"

"N-Naruto-kun…"

* * *

This has not been a good day for Naruto. He spent his entire life suppressing the feelings of guilt and loneliness brought on by his 'special tenant.' He had reserved his fate to one of being alone with no one to share his pain or anyone to even understand. Even his closest friends have little to no true knowledge of his plight. 

And what did overcoming all tha angst teach him?

THAT IF HAD JUST _FLASHED_ A FEW WOMEN HIS LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN THE EXACT OPPOSITE!

Naruto had never been so embarrassed in his entire life. Well maybe when Kiba told him the best ninja color EVER was orange his year before graduating…nope this topped that.

He was getting stared from the entire store. Mostly from women. His eyebrow twitched as he and Ino looked at the ground to avoid the stares. Yui _had_ to know what those were for. She was cleared as a _medical_ ninja for Kami-sama's sake!

_Why does this shit happen to _me

Uzumaki Naruto has never hated people outright, but when the seventeenth, _SEVENTEENTH_ girl he had only known to make fun of him from his old Academy class said hello and wanted to 'get a bite to eat' he was a bit put off.

And Yui was the cause of it all. She knew she had done something wrong, but what could she have done? How was she supposed to know that such a reaction would have been triggered? How was Yui of all people supposed to know in the Secret Kunoichi letter Naruto was voted third most handsome man in Konoha last year?

And how was she supposed to know, when she came from the Mist, that 25 centimeters was big? After all, all Mist men had larger than average proportions. Yui herself had aided Joya in treating fifteen men who had similar lengths.

Naruto made a loud angry sound and cursed even louder. Yui only had a few seconds to realize they were home when she saw her front door about to get blown in by a Rasengan. When she moved to stop him Kakashi had already done it, countering with his own. Naruto was blown backward, as his agitated state made his Rasengan far less powerful, and landed hard in the street.

Ino and her father ran out and saw Naruto scrambling up, his face a veritable image of _pure p-o'ed._ "I…_do not…WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY MR. GOD OF ZOOM FEATURE!_"

Kakashi took a second to wonder if Naruto _knew_ just how much of his little exploits were on the Internet thanks to his machinations. Deciding it wasn't that important he pulled out his book of _pure awesome_. "Tsunade-sama wants to see you. She's got your new commander and Yui's headband."

"WELL THANK YOU KAKA-SENSEI!" Naruto bellowed. "BE A PAL AND TAKE MY _SHIT_ INSIDE WHILE I GO TALK TO THE HORNY ALCOHOLIC _OLD WOMAN_!!"

"Sure…" Kakashi said as he opened Naruto's door without unlocking it. Naruto screamed and threw the mass of Ramen and plastic wear inside before he started arguing with the ground. Yui handed Kakashi the bags and bowed before following her master.

When they arrived Shizune looked at Naruto and blushed. He didn't really need that. "WHAT'S SO EMBARASSING SHIZUNE-NEECHAN?! HUH?!"

"Uh…well Naruto I…"

"IS IT MY PENIS?! HUH IS IT?!" Shizune turned crimson. "I THOUGHT SO! Fine!" he smiled and grabbed his pants. "You wanna see Shizune-neechan? Wanna see big poppa fox?" Shizune, nodding her head furiously was about to get an eyeful of, quote Joya, 'big poppa fox,' until Tsunade opened the door.

"NARUTO! Get in here now dammit!" she growled. Naruto, still angry but not willing to get on Tsunade's bad side, followed her order.

He stood in front of her desk with Yui behind and to the right of him. Tsunade couldn't help but smirk as he huffed and fumed. "So what do you want Tsunade-bachan?" he asked still angry.

"Naruto-sama I believe Hatake-san said we-"

"LIKE I'D TRUST THAT PERVERTED PIRATE WANNA BE!" he screamed at her.

Tsunade threw an empty sake bottle at him and made him fall over. He grunted and stood up quickly, glaring at her over her desk. "Don't scream at Yui-chan."

"I can _kill_ you, y'know…" he snarled.

"Yes, but you would miss my tits and ass too much," she grinned.

For the first time in his life, _that day_¸ Naruto felt like punching his mother figure in the _fucking face_.

"I'd like to inform you that through," _black mail and coercion with hard core amateur porn,_ "intensive deduction we have chosen your new commander, please allow her in Shizune."

_Her? Great another chick wanting to see my penis! Wait! Not _all_ of the Kunoichi could know about it yet…so maybe there's a chance…LORD BUDDHA! I TAKE BACK THE DOUGHNUT THING! I BEG YOU! Please let my new commander not know or care about my massive co-_

The doors opened and Mitarashi Anko appeared smirking. Naruto, who had fallen to his knees and outstretched his arms in prayer, grimaced. He turned his head back to the ceiling.

_Buddha…you suck balls _and _doughnuts you fat motherfu-_

"Well I've seen more enthusiastic faces during an execution, on the criminal's faces. Naruto show your new commander the proper respect!" Tsunade growled.

Naruto stood and slapped his hands down on Tsunade's desk. "RESPECT?! I DISCTINTLY REMEMBER HER GOING SADO-MASOCHISTIC ON MY ASS BEFORE PART 2 OF THE CHUNIN EXAMS! She's the biggest nympho in the damn village! and you expect me to give her _respect!_ She's weaker than I am!"

Anko blinked. _Nymnpho…why does everyone thing I'm a sex crazed fiend?…and…_"HEY! Naruto how am I weaker than you?!"

Naruto glared at her over his shoulder. She took a step back and laughed weakly as she felt the full force of his chakra. He swirled in place, undid his pants and dropped them enough for his entire length to be seen. Anko's nose bled like a torrent and she fell over with a loud crash. Shizune peaked her head in and blushed brilliantly.

Replacing his now loose organ he turned to Tsunade and resumed his prior position. "As I was saying…"

Tsunade blinked. "Naruto…"

"Yes?"

"DON'T BE A PERVERT!" she screamed flicking him in the gut. He flew over Anko and was forced deep into the opposite wall. "So. When those two wake up I'd like you to take them to a training exercise."

Yui gazed at her master and her new sensei, "Uh…Yes Tsunade-sama…"

* * *

A/N: Taking a look at how I did chapters 7, 8, and this one I think you all can expect chapters around saturday and sunday from now on. Maybe sooner during the breaks in my school's whacky schedule. 

Dictionary:

1 (Foxy): A nickname used by Asuma to refer to Naruto, Ino and Kurenai picked it up.

2 (Inu-Kami): The shinto dog god worshipped by Kiba's family.


	10. Snake Without a Bush

A/N: Sorry This is up a week late but I hae to visit my grandfather and did not have time to write it. I hope you all enjoy this chapter as much as I did writing it.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 10**

**The Snake Without a Bush**

Naruto was glaring at Anko.

Anko was examining Naruto's crotch.

Yui was watching them both.

It was not going to be a good first impression. "I don't know why you're so angry. I mean you _were_ a bit of an idiot."

"MY FACE WOMAN! _LOOK _AT MY FACE WHEN TALKING TO ME DAMMIT!" he bellowed. _I never thought I would have to say that to someone when I wasn't Naru-chan…_

"Your face is _maybe_ an eight. That," she said pointing to the object of her scrutiny, "is a twenty-five."

_Why is every woman I _have _to deal with a smart ass?_

"What's the big deal anyway? I thought men, and I'm using the term loosely here, were proud of their dicks."

Naruto crossed his arms and stuck out his chin, "I'm a private person!" Anko looked at him. "About stuff like that!"

"Bah. You were probably just using a transformation anyway." Anko stood up and dusted off the rear of her coat. "I mean hyper active little idiots like you could never have what it takes to pleasure a woman. Either physically or mentally. I'm surprised you can live with him Yui-chan."

Naruto gritted his teeth trying to keep his mouth shut. _First that fruity Sai gets on my back…bad image there…_he gave a slight shudder…_now this nympho bitch…_

"Are you angry Naru-chan?" Anko asked bending over in a cute little voice.

"I am beyond_ uber pissed!_" he growled at her.

"Then I'll make you a deal. If you show me yours, and can prove it's not fake I'll show you mine!" Anko said grinning.

Naruto's anger faded. He went squint, "Why would I want to see yours?"

"Why _wouldn't_ you want to see mine?" Anko asked striking a pose thrusting out her chest.

"Because in all honesty to see everything I'd have to push you over and take that coat off of you. You do just wear slut-gear," he said truthfully.

Anko closed her eyes and a vein popped out of her head. "You weren't complaining when you asked to see my pussy!"

Naruto roared and pointed at her, "THE HELL! YOU WANT TO SEE MY DICK! WHY ARE TWISTING THINGS AROUND SO MUCH!"

Anko retorted throwing her own finger out, "WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME NAKED!"

"I DON'T!"

"YOU SAY THAT NOW!"

"I SAID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE DAMMIT!" Panting Naruto decided a Rasengan, low power of course, to her face would end this right now.

"Fine, since you can't be _mature_, like I can, about this we'll do it the juvenile way."

_Mature my well-tanned ass…_Naruto hissed mentally.

"Tsunade-sama appointed me to be your commander because I'm one of the most skilled ninja in the village dealing with assassination, stealth, and infiltration. The only one better than me is Kaka-chan."

"If Kaka-sensei's better than you and I've already learned from him, what could you possibly teach me?" Naruto asked.

Yui was content both of them had forgotten about her as long as they quit being so loud about being naked. She wasn't a prude, but in public…

"He didn't teach you Chidori did he?" A large drop of sweat came from Naruto's forehead. "I'll teach you secret techniques, poison mixes, and even how to summon snakes!"

"Why would I want to summon snakes when I have toads? And Gamabunta-bozu (1) is better than Manda anyway."

"Well considering the snake in your pants I see where you're coming from. If it is indeed an anaconda and not a garter snake…" Naruto was not enjoying her analogies about his penis. "How about this: We play a little game!"

"What kind of game?"

"It'll be like the initiation tests you took as Genin. I'll try to attack Naruto. He will try and find me and capture me, or counter my attack. If I win…" she said her eyes glinting.

The blonde grimaced as he looked at the purple haired woman's eyes, "If you win?"

Her face turned red, "You strip down to your birthday suit."

"AND PEOPLE CALL ME A PERVERT!" he screamed pointing at her in a very Jiraya like gesture.

"Now, now," Anko retorted shaking her finger, "Don't be angry. If you capture or counter me or both I'll strip naked for _you_!"

"I already told you I don't want to see you naked. I don't want a nympho as a teacher, and I don't want to learn any of your crap…"

Anko's rage at reached its peak. She glared at his back as he made his way to turn from her and leave. Then she suddenly came up with an idea, and she smiled. Yui caught it and realized that Naruto had already lost one part of this little battle.

Superiority had been established.

"Well considering how you couldn't even _follow_ my movements I'd guess you would be scared. Never did get past that little gag with the kunai did you? I don't need to teach you, you've always been my _bitch_ haven't you. Naruto-_chan_?" she asked stressing both words.

Naruto stopped in mid step, his hands in his pockets. His brain was going into overdrive. If he accepted her challenge she'll have a good chance of seeing him naked, something he was fairly apprehensive about, including the fact Tsunade had told him about his _own_ pheromones. And if he won he would be with yet _another_ older beautiful woman.

Naked.

Hopefully this time Yui would keep those damn pheromones to herself!

"FINE! WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE BITCH!" he roared turning and pointing at her.

"Good!" she put her hands on her hips and turned her head to Yui. "You'll watch us Yui-chan and judge to see if I would have killed Naruto or he would have survived enough to get me. And be fair now! I wouldn't want to have to use my _secret_ _women only_ techniques on you would I?"

Yui smiled, "I doubt they would be any match for the techniques Joya-sensei used on me after I reached legal age and my mother died but you are sure to try if I seem unfair Anko-sempai."

The creepy thing was…_She sounds a bit _optimistic_…_both Anko and Naruto thought.

"Okay. Let's GO!" Anko vanished and Yui nodded to Naruto before doing the same.

The blonde himself put his hands on his hips. "Great…first she wants to suck my blood…now she wants to suck my-"

* * *

Tenten and Ino looked at each other. They had both walked into the clothing store at the exact same time. Neither had seen the other because they had been busy thinking about things.

More specifically 25 cm long things.

They had come to buy new clothes for the party the next night. That particular store was a favorite place of Jiraya's for several reasons, most of which were concerned with the arrival of the two young women.

It had excellent prices.

There was no video surveillance.

There were only three dressing rooms.

Taking full advantage of that third fact Jiraya quickly made two Kage Bunshin and locked two of the three rooms. Taking a page from Naruto's book he did this while in Oiroke-no-Jutsu (2) form not arouse suspicion. Unlike Naruto, however, he was smart enough to actually change his hair color and age. It used more chakra, but he didn't even make one woman bat an eye.

He sat in a chair, as if waiting on someone and smiled as he saw Tenten try both booths, with what appeared to be a loose top and a mini-skirt. She sighed just as Ino headed to the only open booth and ran into her.

Tenten and Ino looked at each other. "Hello Tenten-san…how are you?" Ino asked with a fake smile.

"Oh I'm fine Ino-chan. I just came by to get some new clothes."

"Wow me too!"

They both laughed nervously and regarded the clot6hing choice of the other. Jiraya himself had noted Ino had only picked out lingerie. He also noted that the pieces were from an older Victoria's Secret Weapon collection he had gotten a certain old woman as a birthday present.

Jiraya frowned, this wasn't what he expected, there was nothing happening. They were feeling awkward, that was clear, but he bet they didn't put together the facts both was here to look better than any other girl at the party. To correct this he casually slipped his fingers together in a seal to command his Bunshin.

Jiraya, for this little scheme of his, had put his clones in two booths right next to each other and had changed both of them to resemble sisters, him being one as well. So when they talked it was normal for them to have similar voices he smiled as he sent the final mental command to his clones.

"Did you get the new information letter?" the left clone asked.

Tenten froze. "You bet I did! Who would have thought Uzumaki was such a stud huh?"

Ino shook a little. "Well it doesn't matter anyway does it?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's too hung up on Godaime's assistant to even look our way unless we were naked."

Ino flushed and clenched her free hand. Jiraya took note that she looked about to punch something. Tenten meanwhile had an odd gleam in her eye that he liked. He decided that putting Tenten first on the Rep-Increase List was a good idea.

It was obvious she wanted Naruto physically. He was very happy he had left Naruto's door open for her to see his little action with Yui. With any luck she would be the first one to make a move.

But he paused and thought for a second. Naruto is a very caring person. If Tenten did become his vixen then he would undoubtedly get attached to her. And that wouldn't do at all considering Tsunade was obviously looking for more helpings of fox meat and Yui was growing on the boy day by day.

Rubbing his chin Jiraya made a gamble. He made a quick seal.

The left clone spoke up, "Well it might be a reflection on his tastes." Tenten and Ino eyes each other and laughed again. "Maybe he likes the fierce types. Lean, mean, ready-to-fuck machines, more than quiet girls?"

"Well it's not like he has a chance with any of them. I mean if he only has a big dick then…"

"I heard from that Hyuuga Neji guy he's really nice to his little fan club."

"Fan club?"

"Yeah those four girls who follow him around, the Yamanaka and Hyuuga heirs. Sakura of course, and this fourth girl who he likes to train with…" Tenten tensed up. "I forgot her name but considering how much he wants to be Hokage a girl looking to be like one of the Sannin would be better for him than anyone."

Ino and Tenten looked at each other one last time. Ino turned and headed off to the more _lewd_ section of the store while Tenten decided to hurry off to another store entirely.

Jiraya smiled as he stood up and left, dispelling his clones and teleporting to a nearby building top.

"Soon…very soon the greatest pimp in Konoha history shall rise…" As he changed back he started to laugh like a mad scientist.

* * *

Naruto looked around.

He had been in a small clearing, devoid of trees, for the past half hour. Yui's signature was prevalent, but he couldn't use that to find Anko, who was good at hiding her trail. She had sent several diversions at him that had nearly cost him his pants, but he had been able to see through them in time and save himself.

Looking back on it now he wondered if he should just have his tongue cut out to stop from talking.

It would make things a lot easier.

_But I made that promise to Yui-chan. If I pulled my tongue out and Gai's eyebrows _aren't_ three times the size of Lee's I'll have to…_

Naruto suddenly thought of Tsunade and Yui's actions before his little romp with the older ninja and gulped. He shook his head and looked up in time to see a volley of kunai and shuriken aimed at him. He jumped back, kicking up a little bit of dust into a storm with a wind jutsu and buried himself underground.

Kakashi had been surprised when he heard how Naruto had defeated Neji in the Chunin exams and had decided to teach him the groundhog technique. Naruto surprisingly does as well as a hole-digging rodent as he does a trickster canine (2).

He made a clone dig its way to a nearby exit spot and made him pop out. Anko didn't attack that one, so Naruto made her believe it was the real him by having him zone out two minutes later.

The second attack, just as quick as the first, caught his clone off guard enough so Anko could capture it with her hidden snake hands. The clone vanished and Naruto exploded from underground to grab her. She smiled and her own clone dissolved into a pile of snakes before biting him.

He cried out and fell backward as the paralysis venom in their fangs affected him. "Gotcha! I win Naru-chan!" She tapped the clone's forehead and smiled.

"Not…yet…"

"Huh?" The clone exploded launching her onto her butt and she gasped as bars of earth and soil encased her in a small prison. She drew a kunai to cut them but it broke. "WHAT IS THIS?!" she screamed angrily.

"You weren't in the hunting division were you Nympho-sensei?" Naruto asked as he appeared from the woods.

"Neither were you how do you know this technique?!" Anko screamed shaking the box like a monkey.

"Well Inuzuka Hana is _really_ nice to me. Also I bugged her for like seven days until she taught me a few techniques she never did learn all the way through. I just made up some parts of myself and…TAH-DAH!" he said striking a magician's pose.

Yui leapt from the trees and landed in a crouch, Naruto couldn't help but take notice of the slight jiggling involved with her actions. "I believe that is game point for Naruto-sama," she said eyeing him.

Naruto gulped, he thought she looked about ready to strip him anyway. "Do you think so Yui-chan?" Anko asked.

The two blondes watched as yet another Anko clone revealed itself, melting into mud and dirt. Naruto and Yui gasped as they felt kunai and serpent fangs against their necks. "Who wins now?" Anko asked.

"I believe based on the fact Naruto-sama has your legs in a vice and your neck a few inches from a Rasengan, it's a tie," Yui said.

Naruto had made two Chi Bunshin (Earth Clones) and grabbed and encased Anko's legs while he himself made a Rasengan and had it hovering from Anko's face. "Nice going brat."

"Thanks Nympho-sensei," Naruto with a smile. "Well if it's a tie no one wins so we can-"

"No Naruto," Anko and Yui said in unison. "It means we both win."

Naruto started and looked at the two drooling women, _When they say both, I doubt they include me in there…god if I end up having sex with two mentors in one week I'll be staying so far away from Kaka-sensei it won't even be funny!_

"Let's go to…_my_ place…" Anko said headily.

_Great…from the forest of death to the Den of a Nympho…My life is really looking up. What's next?_

* * *

"Yes…oh yes! THERE!" Sakura sighed happily as she leaned against the tree she was using for support. Licking her lips she gazed down at her hands and smiled as each one was encased in glowing chakra. Each finger showed not only a fox like claw, but also fire like attributes.

She laughed evilly and went to the water to peer at herself again. Grinning like a loon she gazed at her new body. Her muscle mass had been affected by the chakra boost first, then her body's fat reserves had been shifted, greatly.

Haruno Sakura had gone from mosquito bump 'A's to 'B's. Not a great improvement, especially when Naruto had tits like Yui's around him 24-7, but it showed her that if she called on the Spirit of Fire enough her body would change more.

She already liked the darker, rose red highlights that she could make flow through her hair. As opposed to the blood red collections under her arms and between her legs (She had used her new chakra claws to nip _that_ in the bud before long) which were curlier and coarser than her normal hair.

The Spirit hadn't been lying when he said puberty on crack.

With heroin.

And some acid thrown in for color.

She had grown more hair in the last day than in five years of her normal changes.

But none of that mattered since she was now positive her chakra reserves were on par with Naruto in a normal state, or at least close to Sasuke's, and her strength and speed were beyond that of Temari or even Inuzuka Tsume.

All of it was making her very happy for the…

"Oh god…" Sakura clutched her belly and groaned. Holding her legs together she dashed down river away from her water source and dealt with the _possible_ side effects of the chakra.

It mostly boiled down to loose bowels, which wad good considering symptom three hundred and fifty-four: Subject may grow extra sets of genitals of both sexes.

Sakura did not foresee even Double D's helping her get Naruto if she had a penis.

If it was not for the sudden bouts of diarrhea, the fact she was _still_ growing hair in the most uncomfortable places she's ever found, and it appeared she also hadn't bathed with real soap for the last two days, she would have run home and leapt at Naruto as naked as she was right now (she was much more resistant to cold and heat).

"Well…" Sakura sighed as she checked to make sure her make-shift toilet paper wasn't poison ivy, "At least I can be sure in the knowledge Naruto won't have a chance with anyone until I get back. it would have to take a miracle to make him popular like that!"

Sakura laughed.

"Yeah Naruto being chased by the women in Konoha. That's like saying he'll see Anko's bedroom with her naked on the bed!"

Sakura laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

If she knew the truth she would have cried.

**And that makes this next scene change all the funnier for me.**

* * *

"Naruto-sama, just put your hand on it."

"Why don't _you_ touch it? You're more excited about this than I am."

"Suck it up Naru-chan, it's just a doorknob," Anko scoffed as she pushed Naruto out of the way unlocked her door. She opened it and moved out of the way for them to go in.

The dark aura pouring from the house made Naruto remember one of Orochimaru's _special_ labs.

"Naruto-sama? Is there anything wrong?"

"Maybe this whole fucking _situation_?" he asked.

"You made the deal Naruto-sama, that is like a promise so you must accept."

_I would even be _in_ this damn mess if you hadn't decided to get an eyeful of me _and_ Nympho-sensei dammit…_

Grumbling Naruto walked into the dark. Yui followed them.

"BUDDHA'S DOUGHNUTS!"

* * *

Yuhi-Sarutobi Kurenai is not usually surprised. When she heard Ibiki was a torture specialist, that had gotten her, when she found out she was pregnant Asuma's child, there had been a little bit of foreknowledge. And finally when she saw Uzumaki Naruto, his new little shadow, and Anko going in the direction of _Anko's_ house, she was actually surprised.

That could mean only one thing.

She ran home, forgetting whatever asinine errand she had been doing. She _had_ to tell someone. Most likely someone who had been _inside_ Anko's house.

Finally she decided on the best bet. Dashing to the left at Gashinka Street instead of left she made her way to the best place to just sit and read a book ever, the cherry blossom trees just behind Tsunade's current residence.

As usually Kakashi was sitting under a special tree, one that reminded him of Rin's hair color. Not even the _pure awesome_ could let him escape the melancholy of his usual life. He sighed and looked up when he saw a panting, harried, Kurenai over him.

"Tousa running around with your tampons again?" he asked bluntly.

She shook her head and waved her hand to signal no. "Bigger…"

"That light saber you call _Asuma Mark II_?"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!"

"I'm awesome like that…so what's so important you had to run to _me_ of all people? Did _Naruto_ take your tampons?"

"WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THINGS I PUT IN MY VAGINA?!" she screamed.

Kakashi let a bead of sweat form just under his headband. If Tsunade had decided to return home to get some more of her _special medicine_ she would have heard that. And he already knew Joya would be making a fuss.

Tsunade would be so angry only a quick fuck would calm her down. And he wasn't ready to throw Naruto to that particular shark again.

"Dammit Kakashi! This is important! Naruto is going to _Anko's_ house with that little girlfriend of his!" she said finally regaining her breath.

Kakashi's visible eye widened. He looked at his _pure awesome_. He closed it and returned it to his equipment pouch. Making several signs he slammed his hands together and a small portable camera appeared.

_Some things are better than _pure awesome

* * *

Mitarashi Anko. Special Chunin designated for examinations of varying degrees. Jounin level skills she knows secret and forbidden techniques taught to her by her sensei, mentor, and first crush, Orochimaru before his defection.

Most people are distrustful of Anko for varying reasons.

1. She wears less than a striper on a good day.

2. She is naturally sadistic, which is increased when she is around kunai or sharp blood producing things.

3. She has a snake fetish (No snakes aren't a double entendre for penises)

4. Most people believe her to be the most sexually active woman in the village and has a surprising array of sexual toys and S&M gear.

All these people for point 4, are amazingly wrong.

Uzumaki Naruto was not surprised because he walked into Madame Anko's house of pain, he was surprised because he walked into Anko's playhouse.

The wallpaper was a bright and happy lavender color, which he saw when Anko turned the lights on, with varying degrees of purple on the furniture and carpet. The shelves were lined with not only ninja weapons and ornate stands, but also small ceramic and colored glass snakes.

All in all it was not what he expected.

"It's…it's…so…cute…" he gasped. Anko laughed nervously and motioned for them to head upstairs.

"Come on Naru-chan," she said playfully. As he led her up he noticed the pictures on the walls of the stairs were similar to his own. He saw a few pictures of Orochimaru when he _wasn't_ a creepy Vaseline loving traitor. In these he noticed Anko had a real happy smile.

He couldn't help but he feel he misjudged her, but he kept the changed feelings locked inside until he saw her bedroom. _That_ was where the shit may hit the fan. Proverbially.

"Here we are!" she said in a singsong voice. She took her bedroom's door handle and opened it. Naruto nearly fell over.

The room resembled a young girl's rather than a hardened killer's. the comforter and top cover had lace and matched the pillows. There was a stuffed snake pillow hissing at the newcomers as well as several other chubby snakes of equal stuffedness and cuteness.

"This is the creepiest revelation that has ever happened in my life…" Naruto said, not even counting when he found out Kankuro and Gaara shared the same bedroom until after their uncle's death.

"What is so bad with me having a little color!" Anko asked huffing.

"Well…when you say 'color' Nympho-sensei we," he motioned toward himself, Yui, and the village, "Think you mean blood and or organs."

Anko scoffed and took her coat off before throwing it onto the bed. she smiled and licked her lips. Naruto suddenly remembered why he was here in the first place.

"Oh god right away?" he asked. Anko nodded as she pulled off the mesh top letting her breasts roam free. Naruto groaned and looked away just in time to see Yui taking her own shirt off. "WHY ARE _YOU_ GETTING NAKED!" he screamed at her.

She blinked, her breasts (which she had bound earlier that day) half free. "Well it would be awkward if I was clothed and you two were not Naruto-sama."

Naruto roared in frustration and grabbed his shirt before wrenching it off. "FINE! WHAT DO I CARE IF EVERYONE WANTS TO GET NAKED NOW HUH?!" he pulled his pants down and spun a bit to keep from falling just in time to see Anko's panties.

"What?" she asked. She noticed Yui was looked at them too. "What!" she asked with more urgency.

"Mitarashi Anko wears white cotton panties with purple snakes on them…"

"They're adorable Anko-sensei!" Yui said with a little squeal.

Naruto ignored the possible repeat of her interaction with Akamaru and looked at her. "Doesn't it sort of…I don't know….suit her?" Naruto asked.

Yui put her fingers to her chin and nodded, "It does. Now that I think about a red leather thong would not fit at all. I prefer her with those."

"I would prefer not to know what her panties are _at all_ but I'll agree with you on that one Yui-chan."

Anko, who was a bit disturbed by this conversation decided to strip completely and if Naruto didn't hurry, to _help_ him strip. She removed the last of her clothing, said Snake panties and the mesh shorts that covered them, before standing much as Yui had when she demanded the same thing.

Naruto, who was facing Yui suddenly noticed she was paying much more attention to Anko than before. He gulped and sighed.

_Mental list here. Who have I seen naked. 1. Tsunade-bachan who I had _sex_ with just after. Who I have given _MOTHER'S DAY PRESENTS TO_. Yui-chan. who is my _retainer_ and _sleeps_ in the _same_ bed with me…now my new mentor and a woman I'll most likely have to share a tent with on _long, dangerous _missions._

Naruto turned and looked at Anko. Even with his morals on the fringe of non-existence he had to admit she was pretty. She had scars crossing her sides and hips where he jacket and skirt covered, but they didn't distract from her overall beauty. He had never noticed how she had a paler tone of skin than Sakura or Ino, making her close to Hinata in coloring. What drew him was the light pink of both her nipples and the skin between her legs, which he noticed was shaved clean.

"Okay your turn stud!" she said, drooling a little. Naruto sighed and took off his own under armor and then mesh shirt. He did the same to his pants and stood buck naked before her.

"Happy?" he asked.

"A little…" she said playfully.

"I am Naruto-sama!" Yui said from behind him. He turned to her and gave her a glare before noticing she had taken off the bonds around her breasts.

"OKAY!" Naruto said spreading his arms and pointing his palms at them. "Here's some ground rules. We do not come within five feet or groping range of each other until I have my pants back on…we agree to that? Sex with one older woman is enough for me!"

"Who was the other one Naruto-kun?"

_Motherfu_…

"Yui if you say one thing I will turn your ass cheeks into flood lights…"

Yui didn't see that as a problem, "Tsunade-sama."

_I _really_ have to get that girl a filter for her mouth…or a gag…_

Naruto gulped again and looked at Anko. She had a face that made him feel like a little boy. A little boy about to run into the streets naked if she came one step closer to him that needed.

"_Really_? _Tsunade-_sama…I didn't know little Naru-chan was a MILF hunter…"

Naruto ran behind Yui and held her shoulders as if she would protect him. But based upon previous situations she would be the one to _hold him down_ if Anko did decide she wanted some fox meat.

"I have Nai-chan's number on speed dial. Want me to call her over? We could have a little fun?"

Naruto was suddenly very afraid. If he had enough mind to make a clone he would make a dozen and destroy every phone in the damn house. "Listen Anko. You're older than I am. You should know this goes not only against regulations but also village Taboo…I mean it is _me_ you're looking at."

"Yeah…Kyuubi's stamina…" she hissed.

_She looks like Orochimaru…oh god…WHAT IF SHE HAS VASELINE TOO!_ _Please someone help me! someone come to my aid!_

* * *

Ino looked around and blinked. "That's weird…"

"What is dear?" Inoichi, her father, asked as he snipped the thorns off of some blue roses.

"I just thought someone called my name for help…I think I have to go."

"Yamanaka Ino, you have a responsibility as a ninja to help others but unless someone is invading you are duty bound to help your father in his shop. Now I ordered some seeds go see if they got to the mail office yet."

"Yes father…" Ino huffed like she did as a teenager and hurried out.

* * *

Tenten looked up from her ironing. She suddenly felt like someone she cared about was in extreme danger. If she didn't leave _right now_ and help him he would be lost to her in more ways than one.

"Lee's probably just training with broiling water again. A fourth stay in the hospital will show him."

* * *

In Suna Sabaku No Temari opened her eyes from her daily meditation with Gaara and looked toward Konoha.

"Gaara I think-"

"Quiet."

"But it was like-"

"Quiet."

"I really-"

"Quiet."

"Fine…" she huffed.

* * *

Haruno Sakura sat up. She had been sleeping after a very bad bout of the squirts. "Naruto is in trouble…" she was about to run but stopped and held her head. "Why did I just want to say 'sexy trouble' after that? Did it change my brain too? God that's a creepy thought. I hope I don't end up like that freaky Spirit of Fire…" she sat down and scratched her chin. "What was I going to do again?"

Her stomach rumbled and made her fall over. "Oh not again!" she cried as she scrambled to her the bushes again.

* * *

_I'm all alone…even Yui-chan is about ready to abandon me…_

"Anko-sensei stop."

Naruto hugged Yui as he cried with tears of joy.

"What? Why?"

"Because when Naruto-sama had sex with Tsunade-sama it was because he had a powerful hard-on that I could not alleviate myself. Naruto-sama was in such a state of arousal it took Tsunade-sama's more prominent skill and ability to help him. Right now Naruto-sama is not aroused at all. In fact I believe he is scared shitless."

"So if he was horny you would let me do what I wanted?"

"No. If he was horny I'd let you watch as _I_ did what _I _wanted."

Naruto was a wee bit scared at this point. Anko smiled. "Okay, okay," she threw up her hands. "I know when I'm beat. But now this will just make me have to watch out for when Naru-chan is in heat won't it?" she asked with a grin.

"Yeah…right…okay I'm going to put on my pants…and," he took said pants and hurriedly put them on. "RUNTHEHELLAWAY!" he leapt out of her window, not before grabbing his other clothes, and charged home.

As he ran only a few thoughts went through Naruto's mind, one of them was: _How can she be the cause of all these women wanting to screw me and yet keep the biggest nympho in the village off my back?! What the hell is up with her?!_

"I'm afraid I must follow Naruto-sama…" Yui said as she examined her own clothes. "Could you help me re-wrap? Running after Naruto-sama when he is frightened would cause far too much discomfort without support."

Anko sniggered as she nodded and helped the poor girl tie up her breasts.

* * *

"WELL! DID YOU GET EVERYTHING!" Jiraya screamed as he appeared before Kakashi, who was making a copy disc of what transpired between Anko, Yui, and Naruto.

"You aren't going to like it," Kakashi replied.

"Bah just give it to me!" he said. Kakashi held up the disc ad Jiraya snatched it from his hand. He unveiled a portable DVD player and put it in. he watched the entire thing and gaped at Kakashi. "Is that it? He _ran away_!" Jiraya screamed.

"Yep. Anko has that effect on people when she's horny. If I hadn't used my mask as a trump card she probably would have scared me too," Kakashi explained.

"I'm going to have to speak to the boy about this…" Jiraya said rubbing his chin. He then had a thought. "Hey Kakashi…where does Inuzuka Tsume do her beer shopping?"

"Sappoporium by the Victoria's Secret Weapon store. Why?"

"The great Sage of the Mount Myoboku Toads never reveals his plots!"

"Except to me…"

Jiraya winced and glared at his student's student. "WELL I'M OFF!" he struck a pose that made Kakashi sick with remembrance and watched as the old hermit leapt away toward Sappoporium.

"Something tells me I've just made Naruto's life a little bit harder…" Kakashi looked at his _pure awesome_. "Well I'm sure he'll be fine. The boy needs more me time anyway."

* * *

A/N: Hello everyone! You thought Naruto was gonna get some Anko-pie eh? Well he won't. There will be no NaruxAnko sadly. Anko will have to deal with something a bit wierder. And all of you who are whining and moaning about no Anko pron will be priasing me for Chapter 13, where I predict the next lemon will begin.

As to the next few chapters, yeah they'll be really crazy. The next chapter is the begnning of the party and it will signal the end of the first part of the story. Right now the main story has about four or five parts before I'll take a litle break from it.

Dictionary:

1 (Bozu): Boss

2 (Oiroke No Jutsu): Sexy no Jutsu


	11. The Party is Started

A/N: Sorry I've been gone so long. The computer that has the internet at my house went kaput and so I had to get a new harddrive for it. Well It's done, I didn't have time to beta so it may have a few errors, but I'll fix it in a while.

Also, tomorrow or the next day I'll re-post chapter 5 to be the full blown lemon version because I'm tired of people asking for the link.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

**The Party is Started**

As Yui walked back to her home she contemplated the day's events and wondered what the next night would bring her. She eagerly awaited the opportunity to see Lee again, not because she had outgrown her tragic fear of his or his mentor's eyebrows, but because the prospect of Naruto eating her out every night was starting to grow on her.

Yui did not want to admit it, but she was feeling self conscious about herself. Naruto obviously cared for her, as he allowed her into the most secret places of his heart and home.

But she had been hoping for some gratification. _Sexual_ gratification.

Most men Yui knew, and they were a very large number despite her mother's best interests to keep her away from most men, were ready and willing whenever the woman was. And Yui was far more than willing. But Naruto seemed adverse to any kind of contact no matter what she wanted. She needed to talk to someone.

Looking up she realized she could always ask Tsunade-sama. Deciding that her master's mother figure (and first woman) was the best person to ask she dashed toward the tower.

* * *

To say Yui was angry was an understatement. She had asked Tsunade a few moments ago why Naruto was so adamant about not touching women. The answer had left her with a bad taste in her mouth and a horrible set of gruesome images flowing through her mind. Most of them involved torture Orochimaru would cringe at. 

"You mean to tell me it's _your_ fault?" Yui asked. Yui was thankful her sensei Joya was amazingly keeping her trap shut.

"Well I made sure Naruto did not get any ideas from that pervy bastard Jiraya," Tsunade said as she sipped some of her sake.

"So…you threatened him?" Yui asked.

"Yeah. That's the only way to get through that thick head of his," Tsunade replied.

Yui slammed her fists down hard on Tsunade's desk. "Did it ever occur to you to just _tell_ him not to do those things?" she asked, her voice barely keeping her anger at bay.

Tsunade blinked. "No, why?"

_That's it…_"YOU STUPID OLD COW!" Yui roared. Both Tsunade and even Joya were taken back by the sudden outburst, and the fact Yui had just picked up Tsunade's desk. "I'VE BEEN SPENDING THE LAST FOUR DAYS OF MY LIFE WONDERING IF MY MASTER WOULD EVEN _LOOK_ MY WAY AND HERE I COME TO FIND THAT ONE STUPID OLD WHORE WHO CAN'T EVEN _FATHOM_ A SOLUTION THAT DOES NOT REQUIRE HER FISTS TURNS HIM INTO A WOMAN AVOIDING EUNNICH!

Tsunade's eyebrow twitched angrily. "Now see here!" she grunted raising a hand with her finger extended.

"SHUT-**UP!**" Yui roared as she crushed the desk back down and broke it in half. Joya was very happy when she saw Tsunade close her mouth and lower her finger. "You have done one of the _stupidest_ things a mother can do to a child. I should break your arms and your legs…" she hissed through clenched teeth, which had become fangs.

"Yui listen a little if Naruto doesn't want to-" Joya stopped when her student's head turned toward her and revealed a visage of pure anger.

"_Did you say something Joya-this has nothing to do with you-sensei?_" she snarled.

"No…nothing at all Yui-sama nothing at all…" Joya said shaking.

"_So…Tsunade-_sama_ what do you suggest we do to correct _YOUR MASSIVE_ mistake_?"

Tsunade gulped. She wasn't liking where this situation was going. So maybe she _hadn't_ taken the best methods when teaching Naruto about being like his sensei. But how was she supposed to know she would have known Naruto would have made the conclusion she meant if he touched any woman. It wasn't like she had actually hurt him in…no it couldn't be…

"_Your face does not instill confidence in me Tsunade-_sama," Yui growled.

"Uh…Yui are you sure Naruto does not want to sleep with you?"

"_I'm quite sure that if we were not so close he would not even be able to live comfortably with me in the same _room_ let alone the same bed._"

Tsunade gulped, "I…I was afraid of that…"

Yui let loose a sound of rage and turned from the desk of the most useless woman she had ever met. Kicking the door open she stormed out and headed for home. Joya, who had ducked under her won desk when Yui lifted Tsunade's, finally showed herself.

She stood up and looked at Tsunade, "What happened Tsunade? What would make that boy not want to be with women?"

Tsunade, who had folded her hands in her lap and let her head hang, blushed. "I am a stupid old woman aren't I?"

"Well that depends. Did you influence a young boy, an emotionally scared young boy I might add, in the worst manner you could."

Tsunade hung her head even more, "I…I hope it wasn't just me."

Joya lowered her eyes then looked up at one of the few people she cared about that were still alive, "What did you do Tsunade."

Tsunade tensed up in remembrance then sighed, "It was during a vacation. I took Naruto and Sakura with me because they were getting tired out from all the extra missions they had to do after Uchiha Sasuke defected. Well it wasn't much of a vacation. I kept getting messaging birds asking for approval on top of all the paperwork I had to bring along with me. So I was really irritated.

"One night I had pushed it all away and started drinking. I was so out of it I didn't even realize it when Naruto came in and asked to stay with me for a little bit. Well he dozed off and put his head on my lap and…"

Joya could just imagine what happened. "You said yes while drunk but when you woke up, still drunk, you got pissed and told him never to do that again and hit him didn't you?" Tsunade lowered her head even more. "What happened the next day?"

"He didn't even seemed fazed, the bruises I had given him were healed, naturally, and Sakura had been dead asleep when it happened so she had no idea what was going on. I didn't know how well Naruto hid his emotions then so I had no idea…"

"So in one fell move you made a very innocent boy who only wants attention scared any affection he _does_ get is a ploy by people to hurt him?"

"…God," she held her face in her hands. "And he still cares about me…"

Joya didn't offer any words of comfort. She remembered all to well when Yai, Yui's mother, had done something equally as stupid. She had called Yui an unwanted brat and told her to leave. If Joya had not returned from a shopping trip then Yui would have run into the village and been captured by the people.

Joya had no sympathy for Yai, who had accepted the responsibility of Yui on her own, so she had no sympathy for Tsunade had accepted a wounded boy's love as a mother.

"We have work to do Tsunade…" Joya said.

Tsunade nodded and took up her pen and went back to signing contracts. She spied the sake bottle on her desk and swiped it with her hand. It flew off and shattered against one of the bare patches of the wall.

* * *

Yui stalked through Konoha, feeling glares she did not deserve. She finally understood why Naruto had been so nervous around Anko, her previous actions during the chunin exam and the effects of Tsunade's mistake, whatever it was, had caused Naruto to feel conflicted and suspicious of the woman he barely trusted in the first place. 

That was why he was also so nervous about Tsunade coming to help him with his 'problem.' Not because he had a strong connection to him as son to mother, but because she had already in effect replaced affection with hostility once.

Yui clenched her fists. Her anger was broiling over. She wanted to attack something and vent her frustrations.

She then thought of Naruto. Blinking she looked up and found herself at her home. She hurried in, the door was thankfully open. "NARUTO-SAMA!" she screamed looking around. "NARUTO-SAMA!"

"What is it Yui-chan?" he asked appearing from the kitchen, a bowl of ramen in his hands.

She looked at him and sighed contently. "I'm sorry for yelling. I thought you may be in trouble," she said putting a hand to her chest.

He went squint. "I'm fine Yui-chan."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

Naruto who had been leaning against the lintel of his new kitchen went back to slurping his noodles. "Do I look like I'm in trouble?"

"It's look like you're trying to keep me from worrying by hiding what you really feel," she replied.

He opened his eyes and sucked the noodles into his mouth. He turned form her. "I'm fine Yui-chan."

She made several seals and sent a powerful genjutsu at him. Naruto turned swiftly and swiped his hand. The jutsu was knocked off it course and the chakra hit the wall to Yui's left. She narrowed her eyes and looked at where it had hit. Naruto had used his own chakra in a wind technique to blast hers away from him.

"I'm fine Yui-chan. I'd be a lot better without you binding me in one place all the t-BWAH!" he gasped as she leapt at him and tackled him to the ground. He lost his ramen and the chopsticks he was using to eat them as Yui sat on his stomach.

"Stop it now Naruto, please," she begged softly. "I told you I want to share everything with you. Tell me what is wrong." She took in a sharp breath, "Tell me why you don't love me."

Naruto's eyes widened at that. He blinked a little. "Yui-chan…"

She hugged his head to her shoulder and kissed his cheek. "Tell me please. What makes me so undesirable? What is wrong with me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you. I…I just never had anyone who wanted to be with me so badly. I mean there is Sakura and Kakashi, but I think they were only with me at the beginning because they had to. I know Sasuke and Sakura did. Kakashi may have chosen me for our team…but…"

Yui raised herself up and looked at him. She blushed as she pressed her lips to his and kissed him. Naruto hugged her and kissed her back. Yui felt her body heat up and begin to unleash her pheromones. She tried to keep them in check, but then she smelled something that made her nose and pelvis grow warm and content.

It was Naruto.

He rolled them and hung over her, his hand on either side of his head. A look of deep contemplation and hunger was in his eyes. He kissed her again and put his weight on her, she wrapped her arms around his back and ran her nails down the length of his spine.

"I love you Naruto…"

It was pure ecstasy. Feeling the love in her heart flow through her body to the man she would devote every aspect of herself to was undeniably the greatest thing she had ever experienced.

Until she felt something wet on her back.

"Naruto-sama…"

"Yes Yui-chan I love you t-"

"No." He stopped and blinked at her. "I think you rolled me into the Ramen you spilled a few moments ago…"

Naruto started and got off of her. Laughing weakly he rubbed the back of his head. "That just killed the mood didn't it?" he asked laughing again. Yui looked at the back of her shirt after she had taken it off then at the puddle on the floor. She stood up and headed toward the stairs. "Hey Yui-chan where you going?"

"I'm going to bathe. No you stay," she said when Naruto stood up to follow. "You have a kitchen to clean. We also need to go out and get the tables to set up the food. Can you handle the cleaning on your own Naruto-sama?" she asked smirking.

He grinned and nodded, "Yeah…whatever you say Yui-chan…"

Naruto sighed and went to work cleaning. He smiled a little to himself.

_I love you Naruto._

* * *

As the sun set Naruto looked out his new bedroom window. It was three stories under his last apartment so he wasn't afforded the view that he had grown accustomed to. There was also the fact he could focus in on Ino's bedroom window if he felt the inclination. 

Voyeurism not really his thing, unless it lead to a new mission, Naruto closed the curtains.

He heard Yui's bare feet pad into the room and didn't turn to look at her. He also heard her walk to the space behind him, between the wall and the bed, and hug him. Her naked breasts were pushed into the small of his back and felt divine.

Like so many times before he felt something rise up telling him it was wrong and he should stop her before things got out of hand.

Except now, was it so bad if they did? Naruto had had sex with _Tsunade_ of all people. _The_ most intimidating woman he knew by position and beauty alone, never mind the tremendous amount of power that backed it up. And that had been nothing to him. The act, which in itself was very simple compared to other things Naruto had to learn, had left Naruto seeing Tsunade and other women in a new light.

Sakura and Ino and Tsunade had always been what made things hard for him. If he looked at a woman wrong he was being a pervert and deserved a punch to the head. He had already overcome one hurtle, the biggest in many ways, that made him a nervous wreck around women. Maybe Jiraya's little scheme wasn't such a bad idea. I mean, how could he be Hokage if women he _loved_ made him nervous?

Naruto now saw sex, not as some dangerous game that could turn into an attack as easily as a battle, but as something easily overcome. And was it so bad if one of the girls came to him like Tsunade had? Given there had been circumstances beyond his control.

"Yui-chan…"

"Yes Naruto-sama?" she asked hugging him tighter.

"Ero-Sannin's plan…what did you think about it?" he asked.

Yui, shocked a little, grinned, "I believe that if you really care for the girls as you say you do attempting to be closer to them would not be undesired."

"You wouldn't feel bad about it?"

"Only if I was last," she admitted honestly. Naruto turned in her arms and hugged her. She blushed as she felt his hands trail over her bareback.

He grunted as he picked her up. She looked down at him questionably. "I'm not too good at this so don't blame me if you don't like it," he said he dropped her on the bed. She watched as he took off his shirt and discarded it to the floor.

Yui only had a few moments to understand what was going on before Naruto's head was nuzzling her secret flesh. The first flick of his tongue made her body rock with a startling orgasm. Naruto looked up from her and she grabbed his head and forced him back.

Naruto smiled as he did his work. As he listened to the small squeaks that were both adorable and arousing he mused, _Maybe it's time I got over Sakura-chan. She would never want me to do _this._ Trying something or _someone_ new could be really fun._

"Ooh…Naruto-sama…"

* * *

Inuzuka Tsume snorted as she looked at Jiraya. For the past several hours the hermit had been trying to convince her to replace her normal Sapporo beer purchase with hard core Sake. Normally Tsume would have considered this, but knowing about Yui, through Kiba, and knowing the perverted hermit, she was wary. 

"Okay what's in it for me?" she asked as she turned to the Vodka aisle.

"Think of it this way: your son fainted from _one_ kiss right? What if I added a little _something_ that kept him on par with Naruto?"

Tsume stopped and considered what that would mean.

The Inuzuka clan was a powerful clan in its own right. They made up most of the hunters in the village with their ability to increase the power of their senses with their chakra and had amazing bodies that could sustain large amounts of stress and damage.

Plus they were all sexy beasts.

Pun _totally_ intended.

"Okay Toad sucker…let's hear this plan of yours…" she said nodding to the check out lane. She got the normal beer and some of the better brands of Sake plus a bottle of Vodka for the two of them to share.

They walked to Jiraya's special Hermit hut and entered, to which Tsume was pleasantly surprised. It was clean and dry, unlike a normal bachelor's pad and seemed to have been like that for a while, as opposed to have been cleaned only hours before.

The two sat down at Jiraya's small kitchen table and he took out two glasses for them to drink. "Now, Naruto is a good kid."

"I thought we were talking about _my_ kid."

"We are, I'll get to him later." He poured Tsume then himself a glass, "Naruto deserves to be happy eh?"

Tsume remembered the dying words of the Fourth before he left. "Agreed," she took a drink.

"So I've chosen him to succeed his uncle as the pimp of Konoha."

Tsume stopped and looked at him before blinking, "what?"

"You slept with the Fourth right?"

Tsume blushed. _Have you been a good girl Tsume-sempai?_ "Maybe…"

Jiraya grinned as he thought about a certain DVD under his player labeled 'You _Can_ Teach an old Dog new Tricks.' "Anyway I noticed a while ago he has some…trouble with the opposite sex. Tsunade and those two little bitches hanging around him prime examples," Jiraya does not hold Haruno Sakura or Yamanaka Ino in high regard, despite the boost they would give to Naruto's rep, "So I decided to help out a little to raise his 'rep.' Well It's working perfectly, and given that Yui is in town, the whole village is going apeshit."

"You're the one that sent out the monthly Kunoichi letter early?" Tsume asked a grin of her own.

Jiraya smiled wider, "Well I can't _say_ that I did it. But I _can_ say is that Mayumi down in lettering has some interesting after work activities."

"Sick bastard…"

He looked defensive, "_She's_ the one that happens to use such _interesting _colonic devices in view of hidden cameras. So since the little girls who have been dragging Naruto around on a chain realize Yui sees in him what they do, but is willing to give what they won't, they're worried they'll lose him."

"And this party will be the chance to make a big first move." He nodded. "You want me to allow you to have the beer and sake so you can put an aphrodisiac in them and make certain girls more active toward Naruto and vice versa."

"That's about it. And since Kiba drinks too…"

Tsume's eyes widened in realization, "Then he'll work up the nerve to hit Hinata's! Yes! YES! YES!"

"You'll let me do it!"

"NO!" Jiraya's face fell, "Look, I care about Hinata, yes I want her to be my daughter-in-law, but that doesn't mean I'll let you manipulate my son's sex life into overdrive to influence a highly sensitive and innocent young girl! If Hinata was some sort of erotic monster like Anko I _might_ consider it, but she isn't!"

Jiraya, who knew about the _events_ of the Hyuuga household had to restrain a smirk. "Can't I do anything to convince you?"

Tsume tapped her chin, "Well I _do_ love a good foot massage."

Jiraya gaped at her and turned shaking his fist. _Damn you old man! Why did you not teach me that technique?! I'll get you for that!_

* * *

The day of the party… 

Yamanaka Ino looked at the casual dress she had bought for the party tonight and smiled. It was simple and had a good fit, plus it was strapless. For it to work though she had decided to wrap her breasts, but not as tight as she normally did for missions or training.

A little bit of apprehension came to her as she saw Yui and Naruto head outside, Yui was smiling and actually seemed to be walking on air while Naruto was squint, but not the stupid version of his younger days.

She nibbled on her lower lip and looked at the dress again. She had picked it out with wrapping her breasts in mind. Now that she looked from it to Yui, who was not bound at all except for a basic civilian bra, and grabbed it from where it hung over her chair. She ruffled through her trash bin for the receipt and dashed down stairs.

"Ino dear don't you want your breakfast?"

"Sorry mom!" Ino cried as she made her way out, "Emergency Double D-rank!" she hissed as she flung open the door and ran out.

Her mother looked at her father who was reading the paper. He laughed to himself, "Garfield…crazy fat cat…" he snickered.

* * *

Tenten looked at the lingerie she had bought and grinned. She had asked for a set that her idol loved to buy, the Victoria's Secret Weapon 'Unveiling' collection. Supposedly it had been designed by one of the Sannin. 

Tenten held the bra up to light and slid her finger through the hole designed for her nipple and couldn't help but blush and brighten thinking of how Naruto will react when she lets her shirt come undone '_by accident_.'

The idea that Naruto would actually sleep with her was becoming more and more what she wanted, but didn't count on. She knew he was too enamored with Sakura to even think about trying someone knew, but she could at least dream.

* * *

Shikamaru was snoring deeply as he rested in his usual spot. Chouji was sitting next to him making sure he had gotten all of the ingredients for the sukiyaki. As he looked at his friend he grinned to himself. 

_Godaime-sama has been really working you eh Shikamaru? I hope Naruto will let you smoke inside._

Suddenly Shikamaru sat up and looked around. His eyes narrowed and focused on two different directions and sections of Konoha.

"What is it Shikamaru?" the plump ninja asked.

"It…it feels like things are going to get very troublesome for someone…"

"Really? Like an attack?"

As Shikamaru was about to say '_yes, a _sexy _attack,_' he promptly passed out again.

* * *

Inuzuka Kiba was not looking at a dress, frilly underwear, or sleeping. He was currently wondering why his mother hadn't come home the night before. She had gone out to buy the beer he had asked for and was going to bring it straight home and deposit in their special freezer to chill for a few hours then put in the fridge to keep cold. 

And now she had been gone all night. He was really worried about her. His mother never stayed out late anymore.

And Kuromaru was not helping.

"Maybe an old furry fan of hers came by," he kept saying.

The image of his mother in a _very_ revealing she-wolf suit on her hands knees posing came to Kiba's mind. "DAMN YOU, YOU OLD FART!" he bellowed holding his head.

"What? Would you prefer her being a dominatrix?"

The next image of Inuzuka Tsume, in leather thigh highs, a bustier that made her perky breasts twice as perky, and a pair of mesh gloves that went up to her shoulders. She cracked a whip that was in one hand and slammed a paddle in her other against her thigh.

Kiba shook like a leaf in the wind, "Good Inu-Kami…why do you this to me?!" he asked grabbing Kuromaru's throat.

"Because the looks on your face when you picture those things is the most hilarious thing I've ever seen since your mother found your grandmother's _'special friend'_ and sat on it." Kiba threw the dog down and turned to leave the house, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to go see Hinata. The chances of _her_ being a dominatrix is like Naruto getting play from Tsunade…"

"Good point…have fun being a _bitch_!" Kuromaru called. Kiba slammed the door hard enough to break it.

* * *

"Are you sure it's safe?" Hanabi's attendant asked. 

The Hyuuga heir waved her away and tapped on the floor by Hinata's door. "Hinata-neechan?"

Hinata who was smiling and wearing the plain and pleasant dress she decided on for the party opened the door. "Yes Hanabi-chan?"

"Are you sure you feel alright?" Hanabi asked.

"Yes, that cold I had was cured fully by Joya-sama,"

_Cold…I _wish_ you had a cold…_"Right, anyway, be sure to…um…be safe?" Hanabi was trying to tell her sister to not become a sex crazed dominatrix queen without telling her.

Amazingly it was very difficult.

"I will." Hinata glanced at the clock on her wall, which read five and gently moved past her sister. "I agreed to meet Kiba-kun in that park in twenty minutes, so I'll see you later Hanabi-chan, be sure to tell father where I am if he comes back from his business trip early!"

"Yeah…business trip…right…" Hanabi said giving a weak wave in return.

* * *

Fifteen minutes prior to the time of the party… 

Uzumaki Naruto and Noumaki Yui cannot be called 'lovers' per-say. Even though Yui _loves_ what Naruto does with his mouth, the term does not apply fully.

Naruto realizes Yui loves him, cares deeply for him, and wants him to bang her brains out.

Yui understands Naruto has had a life fraught with little to no open affection of Yui's magnitude and cannot just 'open up' to her sexually.

So they've come to an agreement: When Yui wants to have some sort of interaction, which is _all the time_, Naruto will go as far as he feels he can, which Yui hopes is _just after_ her orgasm.

And so that is why the shirt Yui wants to wear tonight is draped over a chair and she is using Naruto's head to cover her breasts. He bit gently on the skin of her nipple causing it to harden. She gasped when his hand went to her stomach and crept downward. She quickly undid the pants she was wearing and let him slide under her panties.

"You might want to take these off…" Naruto said, letting her breast fall from his mouth. She glared at him and he grinned before returning to the soft flesh.

"Ooh Naruto-sama you're teeth are so sharp."

He glanced up at her then the clock. "Shit we have to stop."

Yui moaned and mewed. "We can just lock the door," she whispered headily.

"Yeah…" Naruto looked at the glistening fluid on Yui's thighs and the large breasts heaving. "Ten minutes?"

Yui stripped off her clothes so fast she kicked up a wind.

* * *

Shino stalked up to the door. As he raised his hand to knock his bugs told him that would be a very, _very_ bad idea. 

_Why?_

_You don't wanna know G._

_Hook me up with the 4-1-1._

…_You sure? Fine G. Shit. In short, Big Poppa Fox is tapping that fine vixen ass._

…_Naruto…is…_having sex…Right NOW?

_Well in truth he just be getting a pink taco wit' _extra special sauce_. If you get what we mean._

…_How do you know?_

_Well we smell _her_ well enough, but we don't BPF (that's big poppa fox abbreviated and shit). So she's got hers out, but he don't._

_So…Naruto is _eating out_ that girl who looks like him…_

_Yessir._

…

Shino turned around.

"Where you going Shino?" he looked up and saw Chouji and a very dead looking Shikamaru.

"I have no intention of going in there. Give this to Naruto for me," he said holding up his home warming gift.

Chouji took it and lifted the box to weigh it, "Why aren't you going in to visit? You always complain Naruto doesn't hang out with us that much anymore."

Shino looked through his glasses, "It's…not something I want to say."

Shikamaru, as if he was dreaming spoke up, "Yes I sense it too…a disturbance in the Trouble. It's as if many voices cried out in aggravation at dealing with troublesome things."

Shino blinked and walked away. _And people wonder why I talk to bugs…_

_You got some fucked up homies G._

_Word…_

Chouji watched him go and shrugged. "Let's go Shikamaru." As he went up the stairs he stopped and looked at his friend. "Shikamaru?"

"Zzzzz…"

* * *

Kakashi usually avoided social gatherings where there aren't going to be many adults in his age group. The reason was that after a few drinks people started to get the disease he has called 'Mask Grabbity-Get The Fuck Off Kakashi's Face-Osis.' 

He had yet to devise a cure besides furious punches and running away.

He was feeling pretty bad about eventually having to punch juniors who were significantly less bitchin' than he was, until someone dropped down next to him. He would've had believed it was Gai until he realized Gai would have made an appearance ages ago instead of following him for five minutes.

"Hey Kaka-chan how are you?" Mitarashi Anko asked.

"I'm fine. Are you going to Naruto's party too?" he asked.

"Yep. I decided to give my little Naru-chan a little pep-talk about how to treat ladies."

Kakashi was silent for a few moments. "He was freaked out by your panties wasn't he?"

Anko froze. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

He moved to continue walking and waited until she caught up with him to begin talking, "Well other than the fact everyone in this village thinks you inherited Orochimaru's love of Vaseline and strange phallic shaped objects."

"Orochimaru didn't like penis!" she grunted.

"No…of course not…he just liked snakes." Kakashi smirked when he saw Anko ruffle. "Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure what?" she looked at him interested.

"Jiraya is trying to get Naruto to become the next pimp of Konoha, and I think he may try something at the party, so we need to put anti-aphrodisiac serums in the food and drinks. Knowing that old bastard he already got all the finger food trays and has been working Inuzuka Tsume for the beer."

"You know considering you do as much to Naruto as that 'old bastard' it's kind of funny that you want to help him."

"Well considering I suggested _you_ as his new commander I owe the kid something."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Just don't try and screw him okay? Naruto may have the Kyuubi's stamina and energy but I doubt he could keep up with you."

Anko smiled and wrapped an arm around Kakashi's shoulders, "Well if I remember correctly you couldn't do much better!"

Kakashi looked at her with his visible eye and wondered if knocking her out with the _pure smexy_ that was his face (or a warm up punch) would help or hinder the situation. Deciding limp bodies weren't the best party favors he shrugged her arm off and continued toward Naruto's home.

* * *

_Big breasts suck…they suck balls…_Yamanaka Ino thought as she adjusted her dress. Her large breasts, which she had decorated with the best and newest lingerie in her dresser, were not staying in place. The simple act of breathing caused a massive influx of cleavage that would make Tsunade proud. She decided to tighten them up a little and make sure nothing _pops _out. 

She was all doing this well aware of the fact Naruto's party had already begun with the arrival of Chouji and the first big meal. Then Kiba, the beer and Hinata. And now Kakashi and…Anko?

Shaking off her fit of interest into who was arriving she quickly checked herself. Looking around she jumped a little and her breasts barely moved. Smiling she left her room toward the door. As she headed to the door she saw a note from her mother.

_Dear Ino, _

_Your father and I have just received an urgent message from the daimyo Gaiken-sama in a neighboring village. He needs a very complicated garden design altered before his new villa can be completed. He has requested our services through Hokage-sama. We will be gone for the next week, please be safe._

_Love, Your mother_

"Well at least they won't be bothered by the noise…huh?" she saw a note on the back.

_Dear Ino,_

_I put an extra box of condoms under the sink. Remember dear, be safe!_

_Love, your Father_

Her father had also included a chibi picture of himself giving her the thumbs up sign reminiscent of the Trojan man.

Ino's eye twitched. "What is wrong with the people in this village?"

* * *

"So is it done yet?" Naruto asked as he leaned against his kitchen counter. 

Chouji shifted some of the meat. "Naruto, this is a complex recipe from the older days of my clan. To rush it would be a sin against food."

"Yeah that's awesome Chouji, but is it done yet?" Naruto grunted.

"Naruto…" Chouji said drawing on his patience. "Get out."

"It's my kitchen! And my food!"

The glare in the plump ninja's eyes told Naruto he was better of doing as he was told. Grumbling to himself he stalked out, but not before grabbing the tray of drink glasses and ice Yui had asked him for. He saw that Yui and Hinata were actually getting along while Kiba sipped his beer.

Naruto set the glasses down and looked around for Shikamaru. "Where's the bum?"

"You're standing on him," Kiba said.

Naruto looked down and saw that Shikamaru was indeed under his feet. Grunting he jumped off and set the trays down in one shot. Picking his friend up he smacked him.

"That won't do any good we already tried it. He's out of it," Kiba said as he poked Shikamaru's head.

The pineapple tilted to the side with each poke.

"So what do we do with the corpse?" Naruto asked shaking him.

"I can put him in the guest room Naruto-sama," Offered Yui. Naruto nodded and handed Nara over. She took him under the stairs and placed him gingerly on the bed cover. When she returned she saw that Naruto and Kiba were sniffing the beers. "What's wrong?"

Naruto lifted a beer "Well Kiba just told me his mom took a few extra hours getting this," he said shaking the one he was holding. "And knowing that old bastard Ero-Sannin, there's a good chance there is some-"

"Drugs in it, so I brought plenty of antidotes," Kakashi answered.

"BUDDHA'S DOUGHNUTS!"

"INU-KAMI'S CHEW TOY!"

Kiba and Naruto had leapt up at Kakashi's entrance. And Now Naruto was a bit more afraid than normal. Considering that Anko was here. The scary thing wasn't that Anko was grinning with her arm around Kakashi's shoulder. The creepy thing was that Kakashi wasn't wearing his jounin uniform, but a button up shirt un-tucked with a pair of normal slacks.

And Anko was wearing a shirt that _DID NOT_ show off her breasts. The shirt it self had a picture of a grinning snake wrapped around a bottle of sake. Though Naruto could easily see the mesh undershirt at least it left the general appearance of her breasts a mystery.

To anyone that wasn't him of course.

Naruto, now past the shock of Anko's clothing, looked at Kiba. "Chew toy?"

"Who are you talking to 'doughnuts'?" Kiba grunted back.

The two wild ninja glared at each other for a few moments. As they were busy trying to act tough Kakashi and Anko went to work putting the antidote in the drinks. Kakashi headed for the kitchen to complete the little ritual.

_This is so annoying I have to do this. I really have no idea why he's so adamant on getting Naruto to _get it on_. But hey, I'm just a student myself…so…_

Kakashi looked from side to side as he yawned and set up a small camera just at the door to Naruto's kitchen. Decaled on the side of the camera was the kanji for 'God of Zoom Feature.'

_Let's just sit back and watch…thinking about it…I haven't seen Sakura in days…I hope she's okay._

* * *

Now, as per the usual formula of the fiction, we would normally go to Sakura's crazy hermit life style. But because I feel Sakura has no bearing what-so-ever on the approaching scenes we go to someone new. Someone fun. Someone that enjoys youth.

* * *

Rock Lee smiled as he looked at the giant mountain, the tallest in all the Land of Fire. "Soon Neji-kun I shall gain your ability to fly!" tears streamed down his face as he shook his fist. "and then…WE SHALL SOAR OVER THE LAND TELLING ALL PEOPLES OF THE GLORY OF YOUTH!" 

Rock Lee looked around and pulled mask like Gai's face from his backpack. 'Gai-Sensei' was writing across its forehead. "EXCELLENT LEE! TRULY IT IS THE EPITOME OF YOUTH TO WISH TO FLY WITH FRIENDS!"

He put the Gai mask away and pulled his Naruto mask and the bullhorn. "**Go Lee go! Explode for mountain!**"

"Yes!" he put the mask and bullhorn away. "I'M OFF!" and he dashed toward the mountain to being his flying training.

* * *

A/N: Enjoy everyone. A new chapter will be up soon...er... 


	12. The Party!

A/N: Hello everyone! I changed chapter 5 into the full blown lemon form. SO STOP ASKING ABOUT THE F'ING LINK!

Now, enjoy the angsty antics of Naruto's House Party!

* * *

**Chapter 12**

**The Party!**

Naruto had no idea that there were currently three women in the room who wanted to have sex with him. I say three and not four because Anko isn't really as sex crazed as people think she is and really would only want to spoon with Naruto. And get a hand on that big dick of his.

But I digress.

Naruto was sitting against a counter top that ran along the left wall (from the front door) and drinking out of a can of Sapporo checked out by Kakashi. Tenten, who had arrived in time for Chouji's first course (a miso soup in a bowl bigger than Akamaru's _head_) was sipping some while eying the blonde.

Tenten had made it her goal to test the waters. She had no idea that was also what Naruto was doing. Our dear hero was currently waiting to see who would come first. While he and Yui had been watching some of Chouji's food while he went to the bathroom, he had given her the order to sit and watch. Not because he thought she would interfere and ruin any of the girls' interactions, but because he _knew_ that she would do everything in her power to help.

_Help_ meaning sending a wave of pheromones into any girl close enough to get a whiff of Naruto's own burgeoning supply.

He had picked his spot out perfectly, it was close to the stairs and the kitchen, and either place was perfect to make a quick break if things got out of his control. And considering how his first sexual encounter had come about that was very likely under the circumstances.

I mean these are _ninja women_ we're talking about here people.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Ino's hand shook a little. She was nervous. She was _very_ nervous. She had after all just recently realized she wanted to have a relationship with the most unwanted guy in Konoha. And that said unwanted guy has a giant penis.

But again, I digress.

Ino took a small gulp of air and pressed the button of the doorbell. As the door opened she heard a cry of what had to be joy.

"BY INU-KAMI'S CHEW TOY! THIS IS A KENBU SYSTEM (1)!" Kiba cried as he fell to his knees in praise of the giant stereo system that Tsunade had delivered. He hugged one of the massive speakers and shed tears against the polished black wood.

"Hello Ino-chan," Yui said happily as she opened the door. "Please come in and ignore Kiba-san. He's…overcome with emotion."

"I'd noticed," Ino scoffed. She saw Naruto and Hinata looking at Kiba, Hinata was obviously trying to decided whether to be embarrassed or happy for her date, and Naruto was shaking his head in shame.

Naruto was turning to get away from the most degrading example of electronic love he has ever seen when he noticed Ino. "Hey Ino-chan!" he smiled and walked up to her. Yui stood beside her and smiled as well.

"I see Kiba noticed that gift of Tsunade's," Ino said. She had seen the delivery truck. The driver and movers had been as sad to see it go as Kiba was happy.

"Yeeeeaaaaahhhh…" Naruto grunted returning his gaze to the crying dog-boy.

"So where's the food Chouji made?"

Naruto threw his thumb over his shoulder and Ino noticed that Tenten suddenly turned around. Ino's face changed to a look Naruto had only seen used against enemy ninja who made fun of Ino's hair. It did not bode well for those under its scrutiny.

"Well Ino-chan I'm sure you-"

"I'll be getting something to eat be back in a second," Ino tore past Naruto and stood right next to Tenten.

"Hello Ino-_chan_."

"Hello Tenten-_sempai_."

The two women glared at each other without even looking at one another. As Ino took a bowl full of soup she expressed to Tenten in the way that only women know how to that: Naruto was _hers._

Tenten answered subtly: _Bring it _junior.

The two women sent sparks to each other's eyes.

Yui, who had seen similar events happen between her mother and Joya, knew how to rectify the situation. She ran upstairs to her bedroom; grabbed Ko-chan from his outpost in between the two comfy pillows Gai had also left for them and hurried back downstairs.

If either of the girls with a _different_ foxy boy on their mind had known how Yui had _rectified_ those situations they would have ducked.

Ko-chan suddenly flew through the air, his bushy and puffy nine tails spread out behind him, the limp doll limbs held out like an eagle, his doll's eyes flaming in the light not unlike another character trying to fly. Those aforementioned tails whacked Ino and Tenten upside the head as he passed between them and slapped against the far wall before sliding down to the table that held Chouji's now emerging second course with a soft 'foompf.'

The two girls turned and saw Yui standing innocently with her hands clasped behind her back. Naruto and Kiba, who had finally realized that praying to a stereo system wasn't really kosher, had their very similar 'WTF' faces on.

If Naruto had inquired into Yui's ninja training more he would have found that the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist trained with and against each other, as well as their apprentices. Haku, who had found Yui adorable as a little girl, had taught her all he knew about throwing things from needles to Ko-chan.

Ino was about to say something when Tenten laughed. She couldn't help it. Of all the things Yui could have done, she threw her ratty ol' _doll_, at them. And it hadn't just passed between them, it had actually _hit_ them.

It had to be, bar none, not even Naruto himself, the funniest and cutest thing any ninja had ever done.

Tenten walked up to Yui and gave her a friendly peck on the cheek. Ino strolled to her as well and rolled her eyes at her new friend. "Did you really have to do that?" Ino asked her.

Yui smiled, as innocently as she had when a small girl just ending some odd argument between her two mothers, "Of course!"

It was in that second, remembering that scene, in which she realized how much Ino was like her mother. Noumaki Yai was a very serious and calm woman, but her temper had been known to flare. And like Ino, Yui saw a longing in her eyes.

Yui had known the second she had met the girls and women in Naruto's life that each one had a special link to him, however, she did not know what that link was. Tsunade's was obvious enough. As was the woman named Shizune. But this girl, just like Tenten and Hinata, had a strange air of uncertainty. They wanted to be closer to Naruto, some wanted to be as close as her, but held off.

She wondered, absently, if they did so because they realized his own uncertainty around such matters. _Well…until recently that is._

Yui's brain ticked. Something turned on then. Such insights had been few in her life, as in Naruto's, and only centered around ninjutsu or battle. Now, returning her gaze to Ino, who was watching a bold Tenten engaging Naruto in conversation, she knew what the longing was.

Noumaki Yai had loved the father of her child. She had loved that man, or demon or whatever he was, to such an extent for the first few months of Yui's life she had to be watched constantly by Mist ANBU, because she would have dashed out to follow him.

But she did not. She stayed as the Mizukage. She stayed in her village that no longer trusted her. She remained in a place that only did what she commanded through fear of her power and whatever the demon had may have taught and told her.

Yamanaka Ino was much like the above woman. She wanted to go to Naruto, to try and be his, if he would have her. And Yui knew Naruto would have taken Ino into his heart as he had done to Yui, if not with more reluctant admissions and far more time.

But she had not. She stood beside Yui, holding her hand Yui realized now. Her eyes weak as she saw Naruto focus his eyes on Tenten and Tenten alone. Ino squeezed the hand of Yui.

At one point Ino had felt what she was giving to Yui from Sakura. A hand needing to be held in friendship.

Yui directed Ino toward one of the chairs Yui had asked Joya for and went to get her some teat.

Before she could go, Ino grabbed her wrist. Yui gazed at her, her sky blue eyes blazing in wonder, Ino was _strong_. "Beer."

Yui nodded and waited for Ino to let her go. And even when her fingers left Yui's arm, the blonde Youma knew her human friend had not truly let go.

Noumaki Yui foresaw a very long night ahead of her.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Naruto, not knowing of Ino's plight by any fault of his own, was currently returning to his place by the counter tha ran along the inside of his new home. He leaned against it again and eyed Tenten as she did the same. Naruto knew that the Weapons Mistress of Konohagakure No Sato had an attraction to him.

More like he _smelled_ it.

Naruto sniffed a little more and realized he wasn't smelling anything more than Tenten's perfume, which she had never worn before to any of his parties.

"How's Mr. Personality?" Naruto asked, obviously meaning Neji.

Tenten put her finger to her chin, not unlike Tsunade Naruto realized with a little smile, "I don't know. I haven't seen him for the last few days…for that matter I haven't seen Lee either…"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Somewhere outside the Land of Completely_ Fuck_ Nowhere…

Hyuuga Neji had made a goal to be back in Konoha by Friday. A two day full run trip with minimal stops. He had some money stashed behind his headband for any food he couldn't catch, as he had lost his shuriken and kunai holsters, and there was always fresh water where he could get it.

But he now stood at a flooded river.

The _fifth_ he had encountered.

He had used the full power of his Byakugan to see the fastest route to make sure that no one outside of the Hyuuga Compound found out about Hinata's dreadful transformation. And that route had proved to be one large joke.

Even larger than a certain leotard wearing sensei's eyebrows.

He usually was a calm and collected young man, that Hyuuga Neji, but now, after being _spanked_ so hard he flew nearly seven hundred kilometers into a survival test that Garp would have been proud of.

_Garp? Who the hell is Garp? I must be going mad…_

As he thought of the word _mad_ he remembered how _mad_ Hinata had been that he tried to keep her paddle from her. Then he thought about what would happen if Hinata, in her (sexual) rage, tried to find Naruto and someone happened to get in her way.

He hadn't seen anyone fly over him since that odd nudist girl so he had a bit of hope the changes had ceased.

But Neji was also an angsty fatalist.

So he took a deep breath and made sure his clothes were secure.

"Please tell me this is what I _need _to do."

Once before had the voice of Hyuuga Hizashi spoke to him from beyond, and again his dead father's words reached him. _Well considering that shit with the hair dye, son, I'd make sure you got there before dear Hinata-sama goes Dom on some ANBU._

Neji sighed and leapt into the air. He fell into the raging flooded delta and began to push through. "I'm coming Hinata-sama! Just don't change before I get there!"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Back at Naruto and Yui's house…

Hinata sneezed a little. "You okay?" Kiba asked as he took out an older classic rock vinyl and spun it on one of his sharp fingernails.

"Oh! Yes Kiba-kun I'm fine."

"Someone must be talking about you."

"Who would that be?" Hinata asked, in her naive way generally concerned.

"In this town? Who knows?" Kiba asked as he went to the stereo system and began to climb its massive ladder to the DJ stand. As he reached the top the doorbell rang and Shizune, Tsunade, and Joya entered at Yui's beckoning.

Tsunade looked up at the system and smiled, but frowned when she saw Kiba. Her frown formed from the realization that not only was Kiba so high up he could see _over her_, but also the fact her normal amount of cleavage was increased by the dress Joya had suggested. She raised her hand and made a shooting gesture at Kiba, who shook his head and smiled with a fangy grin and held up his hands in apology.

Tsunade quickly looked around for her favorite boy when she noticed that Tenten was engaging him in conversation.

She elbowed Joya, effectively making her lover stumble, and pointed when the older of the two regained her composure. "Jealous?" Joya asked in her snide voice. Tsunade rolled her eyes and headed toward the beer, which was being guarded by Kakashi and Anko.

Tsunade looked from them to the underage ninja already drinking. "Keeping the law in order eh? You aren't doing to well Kakashi."

"We're making sure that Jiraya-sama didn't do anything to the beer," Anko explained. She reached into the large cooler Chouji had made for the drinks and pulled out a cold, wet, ice encrusted beer can. As Tsunade was about to take it Anko opened it and dropped two or three drops of some fluid into it.

When Tsunade took it she looked into the can and raised an eyebrow to her jounin. "How could Jiraya do anything to them when they're still closed?" she asked.

Kakashi didn't think telling her of his brief vacation in The Land of Archives with his master's master (where Jiraya had mastered a Suiton that switched the contents of even items with seals on them so he could get college girl play) would help matters. "Who knows?"

Joya narrowed her eyes at her own beer, also knowing about that particular technique but shrugged and drank anyway. "Alchy-liscious," she said licking her lips.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Shikamaru rolled over. He knew he wasn't in his room. But he really didn't care. Because if he cared he would care about leaving. And considering he felt how much _trouble_ was converging _out there_, he didn't feel like dealing with it.

He also knew leaving would mean talking to Naruto or the New Girl. And they were the _center_ of the Trouble. Going out there and talking to them would be like walking into a shit storm in your best white suit.

Not needed and generally not advised.

But then…what if he was still here when the trouble happened? What if it _came_ for him?

What if he was misreading the Trouble's intentions? Trouble was much like his father. A Shougi player with a strategy that was in truth a trap. Using Shikamaru's genius _against _him.

_That was how Trouble _works!…Shikamaru thought.

He sat up. His calculating mind, which in and of itself was the ultimate contradiction, began to work. The Trouble _would_ come for him. Even if he _was not_ who it wanted it would come in time. He had to prepare.

He made a quick list about the room's contents and his own gear.

_Comforter, sheets, mattress, metal bed frame, pillows…that look like clouds…extra soft pillows…clouds…trouble…_

Shikamaru passed out and began to snore again.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Rock Lee panted. His body was engulfed soot and ash. But he was smiling. He had gone through more painful trials when fighting Gaara, Kimimaro, and when he had first learned the lotus. Because of that, he was going to defeat this volcano.

Which he realized was a volcano only after he was caught in its monthly minor explosion of flame and magma.

Lee had, basically, found out the hard way why Tenchiho Mountain was the Mountain of Heavenly Earth's _Fire_.

"HASSU! I SHALL FLY!"

And he leapt off into the crater of the volcano.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Ino was a bit depressed.

First: she had spent most of the time she had to prepare for the party trying to look as good as she could. And Naruto had only looked at her a total of three or four times.

Two: Tenten had beaten her not only to Naruto, but also in the tiny challenge she had given the older ninja.

Three: She realized what her mother had said. She also felt very much like Hinata must have felt on that day when the team assignments had been given out so long ago.

Like shit.

Four: she was making her new friend, Yui, even more depressed.

The two blondes were sitting on the couch Yui talking to anyone who come and speak to her while Ino kept drinking. Even in the best of moods this was never a good idea, but of course Ino felt shit.

And when people feel like shit, they enjoy to drink.

Well _enjoy_ wasn't the word but she didn't feel any better sober than she did drunk.

"How long have you known Naruto-sama Ino-chan?" Yui suddenly asked.

"Uwoh?" Ino asked being snapped out of whatever little stupor had begun to affect her. She blinked at the smiling face and thought some. "I…I uh met him around the same time as everyone else. We were all just entering the academy, but Naruto had already been there three terms (2). I'm kind of ashamed of it but I ignored him for Sasuke for the most part."

"Hmmm?" Yui asked.

"That's right you never met him before. He was from the Uchiha clan and very good, even from the beginning. And since Naruto was already in the background already…" she drifted off. "But…but he kept doing pranks and tricks to try and get our attention. We all just saw at the stuff on top. Some shinobi we were as kids.

"Prankster, idiot, fool, carefree, a brat…we never even though that he could be ignored, clever, alone, hopeless, or a child. For the last ten years I've been watching him go from that sad little attention grabber to a guy who can't seem to get away from attention. Akatsuki, Orochimaru, enemy ninjas, they all see Naruto and go after him.

"His enemies saw more of his truth than we ever did." As Ino spoke Yui began to frown. It wasn't because she grew angry (as she still was with Tsunade) but because she was sad. Sad for her master and her new friend. "And _you_!" Ino said turning her eyes from the floor and her beer back to Yui. "You've been her only four days, and you're closer to him than I've ever been."

Yui avoided Ino's eyes and smiled inwardly. _Not near as close as you think Ino-chan_. _Not _any_where near as close._

"And now…" she moved her eyes once more to the little two-person group that included Tenten and Naruto. The two seemed to have the exact opposite feelings of Ino.

Yui tentatively lifted one of her arms. It felt heavy as if it were made of lead. And softly she set it around Ino's shoulders and rubbed her arm. Ino sniffed. She didn't cry, as a Kunoichi she had seen her master die and felt more physical pain than most people could even imagine, so she _would not_ cry.

"It will be fine Ino-chan…"

_Ero-Sannin's plan is okay_…Naruto's voice said in her mind, _but I care about those girls. And I won't hurt them. Yui, this is the only real order I'm gonna give you._

_When I screw up with them, help me fix it, make them remember I love them all._

"It will be fine…"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Noumaki Yui's master; the best lay Tsunade of the Sannin had had in over twenty years; Anko's new student; Kakashi's Number One Hyperactive Surprise Ninja; and the current target of both Yamanaka Ino and the weapons Mistress Tenten; Uzumaki Naruto was flirting.

He realized what he was doing half way through his little talk with Tenten. He had seen Jiraya in many forms and with many faces.

Of those, he respected two the most. The first was the face Jiraya had when he was facing off against an enemy. The second, one Naruto himself had only seen once or twice in all their years together, was the one he had when talking to or about Tsunade. Yes the Toad hermit was a pervert and skirt chaser, but that didn't mean one woman held special for him. Naruto wondered slightly if that was how he looked now.

"So...you had sex with Tsunade-sama?" Tenten said absentmindedly.

"Yeah it was just a couple of-" Naruto stopped dead. He slowly turned his head and looked at her. "I mean…NO! NOT AT ALL!" he said a bit louder than needed, but thanks to Kiba's overzealous love of bass, no one batted an eyelash.

In fact Naruto now noticed that no one could even see them. They were in the corner, blocked from view not only by the open kitchen door but also by the large left speaker of his system. No one was looking at them as Yui was trying to convince Kakashi and Anko to cut Ino off and the others were busy sampling the main dish of sukiyaki that Chouji had just produced.

Naruto was all-alone.

…_Somehow…some_how_ this is all Jiraya's fault_…

"Don't play, Naruto, I know you did it," Tenten said as she got between him and the only way past the speakers.

Naruto's eye twitched, _Why do all the women I know act like sexual predators with emphasis on _predators_ with me? I mean is it so hard to find an unassuming shy girl like Hinata? Who would never do anything sexually threatening what-so-ever?_

"What was it like Naruto-kun?" Tenten asked.

Naruto noted the unhealthy (for him) glint in her eyes. "I would not know seeing as I have NEVER even WANTED to see Tsunade naked."

_First rule of being ninja caught off guard: Defend yourself anyway you can. If you cannot attack physically then do it with lies. _

"AT ALL!" he added. He was yelling, but Kiba (_damn him and his chew toys_) kept pushing the bass and volume.

"_Really_?" Tenten asked. "So you never wanted to see those big round melons free?"

"NO NEVER!" _Someone help me! Please! Anyone! HEAR MY PLEA!_

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Ino's drunk.

Yui is worried about her.

Sakura is currently asleep.

And Temari is waxing her fan to the beat of her new Nin-pod (a late birthday gift from Gaara and Kankuro)

_No one_ can help Naruto now…

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

_I hate whoever is doing this to me. I hope he _dies! _With _Herpes! _And if any jackass dares to give him _any _kind of aid he can expect a powered up Rasengan up his rasen-_ASS!

As Naruto was about to let panic take him over something deep inside of him ticked on. It held up two pictures. The left showed Tsunade her fist curled her face in a glare, Naruto within her sights for not only failing a mission, but being _on_ the mission in the first place when he should have been in the hospital.

That was one of the scariest things in Naruto's life.

_However_, the right showed Tsunade, peaking back at him after he had spanked her, completely under his will.

Tenten _wanted_ to be like Tsunade.

Who was Naruto to not oblige his guests?

Tenten realized Naruto changed even before he asked her, "Why do you want to know Tenten-chan?" He stood straight up, being nearly five inches above her, his hands moved to his sides and rested in his pockets calmly.

If Yui had been paying attention instead of trying to get Ino to have some Sukiyaki, she would have smelled a change in the air. Naruto was releasing his own set of pheromones, not as strong as Yui's of course, but enough to make Tenten realize that she was no longer in control.

She tried to bluff, "Well it just seems odd for a guy to go after a woman nearly three times his age?"

"The word to take note of," he had heard that phrase from Jiraya, "is _woman_."

Tenten ruffled, "Are you saying _I'm_ not a woman Naruto?"

He lifted one hand and held his chin. "Well I haven't seen any evidence to support that have I?" Also stolen from Jiraya.

Tenten smiled.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

The party began to wind down. Kakashi took note that no one was randomly banging on the floor, and held up his fist, which Anko hit with her own. They had successfully avoided anyone being affected by implanted aphrodisiacs.

And they had gotten some free Akamichi sukiyaki out of it.

_Score_.

"Hey Kaka-chan want to go to a bar later?"

Kakashi looked at Anko with his uncovered eye and blinked. "I don't know about-"

"ANKO-CHAN!" Shizune cried as she suddenly draped herself all over Anko. "I love your shnake shirt!" she said poking the snake, and in the process Anko's boob.

"Uh…thanks Shizun-" Anko looked into the eyes of the assistant to the Hokage and did not like what she saw. It reminded her of a time in the Land of Waves when Orochimaru-sama (as he would always be in her mind no matter what happens) saw an industrial size jar of all natural lube.

The only difference was Shizune was looking at Anko's breasts.

_This isn't good…_

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Naruto directed Tenten to his kitchen to sit as Chouji had come out waved and said goodbye as he left Naruto instructions on how to help the food keep, and went to see Tsunade. "Hey Tsunade-chan."

"Hello Naruto. This was a good party, even though I didn't get to see you," she said taking on a deadpan face. "_At all_."

Naruto laughed and rubbed the back of his head, "Well sorry Tsunade. I'm glad you had a good time."

She smiled and gave him a hug (burying his face in between the topic of his and Tenten's previous discussion). When she let him go, "Remember you start missions again tomorrow, so don't stay up too late alright?"

Naruto whined, "Ah…but Tsunade-chan!"

She huffed, even more when Joya stepped and spoke up, "Let's give the boy a day to recover eh Muni-hime?" Tsunade was about to say that it would really only take one _night_ for Naruto to recover when Joya whisked her toward the door. "We'll see you Tuesday Naru-chan!" Tsunade balked as they left, but didn't put up as much resistance as she could have.

Naruto started when a hand slapped his shoulder. "Hey Foxy, good to see you won't be killed by an assassin's sneak attack eh?" he said grinning.

"Yeah…right…thanks dog-breath," Naruto said shrugging off the hand. "I'm so glad you could tear yourself away from the love of your life."

Kiba grinned, but with a little blush as Hinata smiled, "Kiba-kun actually taught me how to used the turntable," she said.

Naruto's eyebrows rose as he heard this. _Kiba let someone else _touch_ his turntable? Damn…_"Speaking of which when will you take it back home?"

"I'll summon it back tomorrow so don't worry about it. Goodnight Foxy," he said as he went to the door and opened it for Hinata.

"Goodnight Naruto-kun," Hinata waved and then was gone. Naruto sighed. He turned and saw Yui walking toward him.

"What is it Yui-chan?" he asked.

Yui bit her lower lip, an act he had never seen her do before. "Ino-chan is a little…well she's a lot drunk. What should we do?"

Naruto looked toward the kitchen then at Yui. "I'll take care of it. You go and tell Tenten I'll see her soon okay?"

Yui nodded, if hesitantly, and went to do as she was told. Naruto went to retrieve Ino.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Ino realized she was drunk when she was moving without moving her legs or body. She also knew she was being carried by someone. She looked up and saw that person had whiskers and blonde hair.

"Naruto?" she asked, her drunken speech made it sound like 'marumo?'

"Don't talk Ino-chan you drank too much," she could barely hear him, like through some kind of padding was in her ears. "I'm taking you home."

Ino hiccupped. She couldn't believe it. _Naruto_ was talking her dunk ass home. She felt a little warm, even with the haze of alcohol on her. But she also felt a bit wretched. Naruto really had a chance to spend time with Tenten, and have a little bit of a relationship.

And she was ruining it.

"I'm…I'm shorry Naruto," this came out much clearer. Naruto started a little, almost tripping, but continued on to the back of Ino's home/shop.

"What for Ino-chan?"

"For being shuch a horrid bitch."

"Ino-chan-" Naruto held Ino up with one hand and pressed the doorbell.

"They're not home," Ino burbled.

"What?"

"They left to go play in the dirt with a daimyo," she sniggered a little, "It's open or should be…"

Naruto turned the knob and went in. He set Ino down and pulled her sandals off. After taking his own he picked her up again. Ino hoped he wouldn't turn on the lights. And he didn't much to her happiness. Now that she thought about it, she had never seen lights on after dark in their house. Well, Naruto and Yui may have good night vision, that's all.

"Where is your room Ino-chan?"

She stood under her own power, a bit shakily, and then fell against him. She breathed into his ear, as he was leaning down to help her "The top of the stairs, to the left."

She felt Naruto shudder and smiled.

He helped her limp upstairs, one step at a time, and then toward her room. As he opened the door and helped her in she stopped. "Something wrong Ino-chan?"

"Naruto…I…I know I'm drunk but…listen to me," her slur had mostly faded. The cold night air and the walk had helped her head clear a little. She pressed her body against him, which in truth was more letting herself fall and hoping he would catch her. "I…I'm sorry for all the things I've done over the past few months and years."

"Ino-chan…Listen I'm-"

"NO! Stop…I…I love you Naruto! I know it may be hard to believe because of what I've done but please give me a chance!"

"Ino-"

She cut him off by kissing him. Ino pressed her mouth hard against Naruto's in a drunken fury. It missed at first and she grazed one soft cheek before returning to his lips. They were almost too smooth. She felt Naruto stiffen as she kissed him. She felt like crying.

He didn't want her.

Naruto held her back and watched as tears crawled out of her eyes. "I'm sorry I'm not what you want. Just don't hate me! I…I had to tell you…Because…I don't know how the other girls feel. I wanted to let you know I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to tell you up front. Instead of being a woman and saying it I acted like a child and played all those tricks…taking away your chances.

"Even now you could be with Tenten but you went with me! I ruined it again!"

Ino sank to her knees and sobbed. Naruto went with her, lowering himself to her eye level again. "Ino-chan…listen to me," he hugged her and squeezed her. "I'm…it's not you. It's me." Tears pelted Ino's shoulder. Naruto's voice had changed. Had she been so drunk she didn't even notice it? And why was he so thin?

"What?"

"I'm not Naruto."

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Kiba yawned as he walked with Hinata toward the Hyuuga compound. They had taken the long way, through a grove of beautiful apple trees Hiashi's great grandfather had imported. They were in a flurry of blossom leaves, much like in the fall with the cherry blossoms.

Kiba blushed as he held Hinata's hand. In all the times he had been with her he doubted if she would look as beautiful as she did now. She had a slight blush, mostly from the beer she had drunk, and slightly from how close they were to each other.

They stopped at the center of the park, the halfway point.

"Thanks for coming with me Hinata," said the Inuzuka heir softly.

Hinata turned to face him and he followed, "Of course Kiba-kun."

Kiba bit his tongue slightly. He had to ask, he had been planning on asking this if she had gone on a second or even third date, but now he had to know.

"Hinata…I have to ask you something."

"Yes Kiba-kun?"

"Am I just a replacement for Naruto?"

Hinata started. Her eyes were wide and she looked aghast. She held Kiba's hand in both her own and leaned toward him. "Of course not Kiba-kun! Yes I wish I could be with Naruto-kun," that stung him a little, "But I know I could never make him happy. I can make _you_ happy. And I will."

With a love filled stare that only someone as corny as Jiraya, or maybe even Gai would cry at, Kiba and Hinata embraced. He leaned back enough to kiss her. they turned a little and he pressed her against the greatest of the trees in Konoha.

Kiba accidentally brushed her rear and she blushed before looking at him. She smiled and kissed him again. Emboldened by her enthusiasm he returned his hand and squeezed her cheek with relish.

Hinata felt a tickle in the back of her mind but ignored it.

Kiba smiled into the kiss and gave Hinata a playful pat.

Hinata's eyes became wide and her mind exploded.

Her body unleashed a wave of chakra that sent Kiba backward. He cried out and coughed as he hit the ground. He sneezed out the dust and flower petals he had breathed in when Hinata had…well had she _attacked_ him? No it was like a _reaction_ to something.

Kiba's animal instincts, honed by the special training of his clan and the blessing bestowed on them generations ago by Inu-Kami the Shinto god, bellowed in fear. Every single atom of his body told him to run. To hide. To escape the deadly beast that was waiting in the dust cloud that had been Hinata.

They were screaming at him that whatever Hinata had done had caused the natural predator of Kiba's kind to awaken. It was a beast that would eat him and destroy him.

_But it's _Hinata! Hinata_ for god sakes! How can she-oh god…_

The dust cleared and Hinata stood towering over him. Her height increased by the deadly looking spiked heels she now wore. Kiba saw that they were actually built in Kunai. It was almost funny. But Kiba only noticed those for a few scant seconds before returning to look at Hinata fully and realize something was fucked up.

It wasn't the fact Hinata's large, and quite lovely, pale breasts were exposed. It wasn't that Kiba had an eyeful of _everyone_ of Hinata's private areas. It wasn't even the fact she had a paddle with a chibi Naruto spanking a chibi her.

It was that the outfit was the exact one he had pictured his mother would wear if she was a dominatrix.

Meaning it was _doubly_ fucked up.

"Kiba-kun…" Hinata said as she held up her left hand, which held the whip Kiba had envisioned, and licked her middle and index fingers, "Have you been a good boy?"

Kiba didn't think the answer mattered.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Nope, it didn't matter at all.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

_I'm not Naruto._ The very feminine voice had told her.

Ino's eyes, which had closed during her fit of crying flew open. She realized the person hugging her wasn't leaning down to be her height, they _were_ her height. She pulled back and gawked at the face of a sullen looking Noumaki Yui.

She was crying as well. "I'm so sorry Ino-chan…"

"I…You…but Yui…if you're here…then where is Naruto?" Yui looked down at the floor. "Oh my god…he's with Tenten…isn't he?"

Yui nodded. She looked up and saw Ino was grinning, but not happily.

She put her face in her hands and sobbed loudly. "I'm so _stupid!_" she cried. "First I go after the worst possible example of family love in the history of men! And now…and now…"

She cried harder, until she felt Yui's arms embrace her. "I told you it's fine Ino-chan…"

She shook her head, face still buried in her hands, "No it isn't! Naruto is _banging Tenten like a drum by now!_"

Yui sweat dropped. "Maybe…but," Ino screamed and returned to crying. "but listen to me Ino-chan…you said you loved Naruto-sama right?" Ino nodded, "What if Tenten makes him happy?" Ino looked up at her. "Will that be worth it? Feeling this if Naruto-sama really smiles?"

Ino looked at her. She sniffed a little. "I don't know…I…I want to know that I'm not just jumping from man to man like a fad! What if I move on like Sasuke and the next guy is _worse!_"

Yui regarded her for a second. "Then maybe your problem is you're going after men."

Ino actually jumped a little. "What?"

Yui blushed, "Well Joya-sensei tried until she was thirty to find a man she loved, but she couldn't and when she tried to be with Tsunade-sama…she found what she was looking for."

Ino furrowed her brow as she looked into Yui's sky blue eyes. "What…what are you saying?"

Yui let her go and took hold of her face. "I'm saying that I want you to kiss sme again."

Ino shuddered a little. "Yui…what…what about Naruto…? I mean?"

"Naruto-sama is busy with Tenten-san. You don't have anyone. Give me a chance Ino-chan. I only bite when told to," Yui spoke softly.

Ino shuddered a gain, but when Yui pressed their lips together, actually _pulling _Ino into the kiss, she did not try to stop her. Yui broke the kiss and sighed a little. "Yui…I…I can't…"

Yui stopped her and stood, helping her up. "I know. I'm not a man remember? I only want a kiss on the first date." She winked and led Ino to her bed, helping her sit down and get under the covers.

"Yui…you…you can stay if you like."

Yui looked at Ino and smiled. As she slid under the sheets and hugged Ino to her she whispered, "Thank you Ino-chan."

As Ino watched Yui slowly drift off she heard her utter, in passing, "If you do anything wake me up first…" before she began to snore softly.

Ino blinked.

_My life has become the _L Word

* * *

A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW do you see why I did what I did? Do you see the twists becoming straight? Huh? No? well you really shouldn't because there arE MORE TO COME!

Anyway! In the next chaprer of _Entwined Tails_!: Naruto and Tenten bang! Shikamaru prepares for battle with the Trouble! Shizune tries to find her hangover medication and finds stuffed snakes instead! And Kiba is sent to the SER!

All in chaptrer 13 of _Entwined Tails!_

Dictionary:

1 (Kenbu Stereo System): The ultimate in home sound technology. Using special chakra absorbing plates it can increase its volume past 35. It can also function as a home defense system when given enough chakra.

2 (Three Terms): I know it always says three years, but considering how Naruto goes through a massive ass growth spurt from the beginning of the Rookie 9's school year and the end I've changed it to be 'terms' of two or three years.


	13. The Party Ends, The Dance Begins

A/N: Hello everyone! Two chapters almost three days apart huh? Well I'm gonna be putting em out faster now because I'm off ffrom school so keep a sharp eye on your e-mail in box!

Also as promised there is some Lemon in this chapter so I set up a **Xxxxx.Lemon Begins.xxxxX** and **Xxxxxx.Lemon Ends.xxxxX** for ya'll. You know the drill, control F.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**The Party Ends**

**The Dance Begins**

Naruto stood over a very intoxicated Ino. She groaned as he helped her up and hung her arm over his shoulder to balance her as he guided her toward the door. Yui, who had peaked into the kitchen and saw how lovely Tenten looked returned.

"Naruto-sama…let me take Ino-chan."

Naruto blinked, "Huh? Why?"

Yui delicately took Ino and put her arm around her just as Naruto had. "Because you have someone else to worry about." She took a few steps, testing if she could balance Ino without hurting her and looked back at her master, "I can take care of Ino-chan, you _need_ to take care of Tenten."

Naruto didn't know why she put emphasis on the 'need' in that last sentence, but let it go. He went to the kitchen and leaned against the lintel. "Hey."

Tenten, who had been sipping at a glass of tea while sitting at the island, smiled back at him. "Hello."

He walked in and sat across from her and poured himself a cup. "Alright…I need to ask you something really important…but I don't know how to say it."

"Just go ahead and say it Naruto-chan. I'm sure I can handle whatever it is."

Naruto drank his tea in one gulp and set the cup down, "did you come to this party just to have sex with me?" Naruto asked.

Tenten blinked. "What?"

"You can't handle it huh?" he retorted, a sly foxy grin passing over his features. When she didn't answer Naruto sighed, "Look Tenten…I need to know why you came."

Tenten blushed, "Well…I don't really know myself," she sighed. "I guess it was just a bunch of stuff that came up lately and I was confused about it and how it made me feel."

"What do you mean?"

She rolled her eyes at him, "Do I really have to answer that?" As she saw Naruto go squint, she realized she did, "Naruto. You've become a strong ninja; no one can say anything against that. But now, you have a beautiful girl who has tried nearly every second she's been here to become your lover, you've got," she tried to think of a way to put it delicately, "extreme proportions, and you've slept with the woman every kunoichi in the village wants to be.

"You've really just gotten everyone's attention. And those of us who were around you for the longest, I think Sakura and Ino can say this a lot better than I can, think we deserve to be with you first. Or at least have some weight in terms of potential lovers y'know?"

Naruto had refilled his cup and was drinking from it. He hadn't worn his headband that day so his wild yellow hair hung around his face, casting his eyes in darkness. "That's it huh?" he asked sipping his tea.

Tenten looked at the countertop. "Yes. I just wanted to see if you really did it. Because well Naruto, you haven't shown to be the most outgoing guy in the world. And you'd have to be pretty much the opposite of who you are to 'get' with Tsunade."

Naruto sipped his tea and smirked…_If she knew why I had sex with Tsunade-bachan she would see why I'm not too happy…_

Looking at his face she reached a hand out and took hold of his, "Was I wrong to think about it?"

He looked at her and smiled, "Not really! I'm flattered you (who is one of the sexiest and strongest women in Konoha) would want to do that with me."

Tenten smiled and retracted her hand after Naruto gave it a squeeze. She bit her lip and drank some tea. "What do you want Naruto?"

"Huh?" he asked looking up.

"What do _you_ want? It's pretty obvious Yui wants to be with you. The same for Ino too I'd guess from the little spat we had earlier. All three of us have been going crazy trying to get what _we_ want from you. But I don't think any of us, besides Hinata, has wanted to know what _you_ want. So," she leaned forward and showed off her cleavage, "What do you want Naruto?"

He eyed her breasts then her, "You really want to know?" he replied.

Tenten leaned back and nodded. Naruto stood up and walked around to her. She blushed as he put his hands on the sides of her face. His thumbs rubbed her cheeks slowly and without purpose until he bent down and kissed her lips gently. Her body heated up and she tried to deepen the kiss but he broke it and then returned to it.

Every time Tenten tried to add any tongue or passion Naruto would halt their actions and pull back just enough to keep her from continuing. She finally got the idea and just let his lips get pressed against hers. He let her face go and took a step back.

"What…what was that?" Tenten asked.

Naruto looked at her like she was stupid, "A kiss."

Tenten glared at him. "No shit Foxy, but what _was_ it."

Naruto grinned, "I just wanted to kiss you." She blushed. "You wear lip gloss all the time like Tsunade-bachan now so it doesn't mean as much, but when we were younger you only wore it once or twice and you looked so cute."

"That's all you want?" Tenten asked, now a little disappointed.

He shrugged and leaned against his kitchen counter, "Yeah if you can believe it." His face brightened a little. "I care about you Tenten, the same I care for all the other girls and women I know," Tenten wondered if she qualified as a woman. "Sex isn't something to be scared of, Tsunade showed me that, but it isn't something I'm ready to give out like candy. Do you know how hard it is to go from having the plague to being a miracle cure? Do you understand?"

Tenten nodded. She did. Very well. Nearly every woman in Konoha, for some reason that she herself did not know, had treated Naruto as dirt for a long time. And now, in a relatively short amount of time, most of them had done a complete one eighty. Even if Naruto _did_ want to sleep with any of them she doubted if he was _ready_ to.

She stood up and went to him, her feet padding softly on his tile floor and leaned against the counter with him. "I understand what you want. How about we make a deal."

"A deal? The last deal I made with you included me getting _very_ sharp kunai thrown at my ass. Literally."

Tenten grinned remembering that little bet. "I liked it when you kissed me Naruto. What if I said I wanted you to do that more?"

Naruto thought for a second. Considering his bet with Yui included kissing her private areas, this was relatively benign. "Alright. I kiss you when you want and what do I get?" Naruto was no fool.

Tenten kissed him on the cheek. "What do you want?"

Naruto thought about. He looked Tenten over. The curve of her perky breasts, her perfectly set hips and strong legs. He rubbed his chin. "What are you willing to do?"

Tenten leaned in until their noses were touching. "Anything…Naruto…sama…" she whispered huskily drawing out every syllable. Just because the boy didn't feel like having sex didn't mean Tenten couldn't get some nice foreplay out of it.

Naruto grinned showing off his sharper than average teeth. If Naruto had a mirror he would have realized his face was exactly like the Kyuubi's. While it was slightly chilling, the smell of Naruto's confidence, which coincidentally was also his pheromones, was beginning to drive Tenten a bit mad.

"Well?" she asked.

"I've got an idea…"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Ino was at a pass. She looked down at the very beautiful woman in her bed. Noumaki Yui was every bit a woman that Naruto was a man. And Ino realized that if she loved Naruto, any hint of that love could be easily transferred to Yui, if she indeed became a lesbian. But Ino didn't want that.

She wanted to be closer to Naruto. Not Yui.

Even so, Ino had to wonder how bad it would be. To have that kind of intimacy with another woman. At one time she and Sakura had shared a bond that deep, but Sasuke had driven it apart.

No…

_They_ had ruined it with their own stupidity. She looked at Naruto's home through her window and wondered if he was regarding Tenten as she was regarding Yui. Not in the same fashion, of course, but with the same thoughts.

A lock of Yui's unruly hair drooped into her eyes and it tickled her nose. As she saw the girl was about to sneeze Ino pushed it out of the way. Yui was so adorable. Ino found herself smiling.

_But I want Naruto. I want to _be with_ Naruto…_she thought. _What does Yui want…what does _Naruto_ want? What does _anyone_ want? _(its 'with' not 'be with', that way it holds more meaning then the two)

Sighing Ino realized that trying to think while still partially hung over, and coming back from the potential lesbian spooning that had happed prior to her waking up, was _not_ a good idea. It would be better to leave these things to the morning. As she was about to go back to her original place she looked at Yui and pecked her on the cheek.

A blush came over the girl and she smiled.

_Goodnight Yui…maybe in the morning we can straighten things out._

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

The next day, as a beautiful sun rose over Konoha Shizune, assistant and lieutenant to Tsunade of the Sannin awoke with a hangover bigger than Tsunade's bikini cleavage.

"Oh Kami-sama," she grunted as she brushed aside her covers. "Note to self…_stop taking up Tsunade-sama's habits_."

She grunted as she stood up and headed for her bathroom. In her medicine cabinet she kept a bottle of the hangover medicine that Tsunade had made for her. In truth it wasn't _for her_ but for any of Shizune's guests. Normally Shizune kept her liquor well, but something about the beer last night was _stronger_ than normal.

_Jiraya_.

Her brain farted his name out. _That would explain why Anko and Kakashi were guarding the beer and putting anti-toxin in it…_she mumbled mentally as she opened the door to her bathroom. But it _wasn't_ it was the door to her _closet_.

_Am I still drunk? Oh there it is…_she thought as she turned around and entered the alcove of linoleum and bright light. _Very_ bright light.

She cursed and fumbled around, squinting and hitting the wall until she found her cabinet. She glanced around and wondered…_Did I get some acid? Why is everything…_lavender…she mused as she opened the small door and peered inside. _Shit no hangover medicine. But I could have _sworn_ I put it in_-

"Oh you're awake Shizune-chan!"

Shizune froze. Her hangover seemed to melt away as she turned around and saw Mitarashi Anko standing in a pair of low cut sweat pants and a black wife beater, and no underwear. Shizune suddenly felt very cold, and she looked down at herself. She was wearing not her normal clothes, but a shirt proclaiming 'anaconda wanted' and a bright purple g-string.

"An-ko…why…why am I in _your clothes_?!" Shizune asked, honestly afraid.

"Well you see-"

"Yo. She's up?" a masculine voice asked. Kakashi's covered face appeared over Anko's shoulder. He lifted a mug of coffee and sipped it.

"KAKASHI?!" Shizune cried. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Drinking some of Anko's excellent coffee. It's tasty." He sipped some more.

Once before, this fiction had delved into the mind of Shizune, we now shall do so again.

Enjoy…

_Alright Shizune get a hold of yourself. It just so happens you're in _Anko's _house wearing _Anko's_ underwear. Anko is standing in front of you wearing stuff she probably wore to bed and Kakashi is behind her with only a pair of pants on…_

_Waitaminute…_

_If what I think happened, happened, then I had a three way with Anko and Kakashi and I had to see…to see…_

"I SAW KAKASHI'S FACE BUT I WAS TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER!"

_Wait! If Anko and I had sex than…oh god! ALL NATURAL LUBE! My ass hurts! MY ASSHOLE HURTS! No…There's now way Anko could put something in my ass…but if she put something in my…and Kakashi was…KAKASHI SODOMIZED ME! Everything tastes like strawberry lube…WHY DOES IT TASTE LIKE STRAWBERRIES! I'm allergic to strawberries. And if they used strawberry lube on my ass…THERE ARE HIVES IN MY ASSHOLE!_

Alright, that's enough of _that_.

Anko set Shizune's coffee down and slowly closed the bathroom door as said medic Nin began to run around in a circle with her arms waving around. The two jounin exited the bedroom and headed downstairs.

"You could have at least let her keep her clothes on," Kakashi said sighing.

Anko grinned at her masked friend, "Where would the fun be in that? I still say some mayonnaise on her top lip would have been hilarious."

Kakashi weighed it in his mind, "I wonder when she'll find that _little surprise_ you slipped into her bra."

Anko smirked as they heard Shizune scream. "SWEET KAMI-SAMA! NOT VIBRATORS!"

The two jounin looked at each before Kakashi blinked, "You're evil."

"I learned from the best…" she grinned.

Kakashi realized that her grin was very much like Naruto's.

_That's kinda creepy._

**Xxxxxx.Lemon Begins.xxxxxX**

Naruto yawned and stretched.

The only problem was…he was already stretching. Slightly confused he checked things. He hadn't had any beer so he wasn't drunk. He could move his arms and legs, but only slightly. He opened his eyes and examined his surroundings and realized several things that made him feel like screaming.

1. His arms and legs were chained to his bed.

2. He only had on his boxers.

3. He, once again, had a massive hard-on.

And Tenten was nowhere in sight.

_This is not good…_he thought and tried desperately to get free. He could not. He saw the chains flashed with each movement. _Oh hell…chakra absorbing chains. FUCK!_

"Good morning, Naruto-kun," he heard. His head snapped up and he saw Tenten grinning at him, sitting on the bed in what had to be a combination corset and Chinese slit skirt dress.

His eye twitched, "Tenten…"

"Yes?"

"WHY THE FUCK AM I CHAINED TO MY BED!"

"Well…I saw that you had _that_," she said poking his dick with her outstretched finger. "and I decided to help you."

"_This isn't helping me! Don't help me! I NEED NO ASSISTANCE!_" he cried.

"But Naruto-kun…" Tenten panted. "It smells so good…like something to eat…" she huffed as she pulled his boxers down over it. It flew up to attention and Naruto hated it.

_I hate you Penis. I hate you so much._

Tenten stroked it subtly with her hand before cupping his balls and taking the head into her mouth. Naruto winced as she slowly took more and more of him in. she coughed when she went too deep and wiped her mouth. "It's too big for me…" she whined.

"Well then I guess you can LETMEGO!"

Tenten grinned. "I still have one more thing to try…" she smirked. She sat on his stomach with her back to him and slid down until her butt hovered over his face.

As Naruto saw this he remembered something Jiraya had told him long ago when he was drunk.

'_Naruto'…_the inebriated Sannin had said…_'the deadliest move in _any_ woman's sexual arsenal is the _Sixty-Nine_.'_

'_Sixty-nine?'_

'_YES! When used by a master, usually with your arms bound in some way, you are at the complete mercy of the woman! She can use her mouth or breasts on your penis and balls to her hearts content! Also if your hands are held off from her own private area then she can force you to pleasure her! _

'_Truly it is a dangerous move! The only way to counter it is to…blah, blah, blah, not about ramen. No new techniques…yada, yada, yada.'_

_FUCK! Why didn't I listen to him! Why do I always DO that?! First the chakra concentration thing with Iruka-sensei! Now trying to figure out how to get a hot and bothered weapons mistress off my cock! DAMN YOU JIRAYA! DAMN YOU!_

"OH! Naruto-_sama_! It's getting bigger!"

FUCK_-DIDDLES!_

Tenten sucked it harder, now with her throat in line with the natural curve of his rising she could slide it all the way down as if it was a banana. He heard her moan and also he heard his own purring (_you damn traitorous vocal chords!_) as she slowly began to knead his balls with one hand, while the other kept his dick straight for her.

"Naruto-sama it's so big."

_Who the hell taught _her_ ventriloquism?! Do I really wanna know that? WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT VENTRILOQUISM?! I'm currently getting my dick sucked by TENTEN who I agreed…wait a minute…what if Lee finds out…OH GOD! What if _Gai_ finds out?! SOMEONE HELP MEEEE!_

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

But, as we all know, no one will.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Naruto groaned as he felt himself reach his limit, until Tenten removed his penis from her mouth. She took a large and loud gulp of air before twisting to look at him. "Ready Naruto-sama?"

"If by 'ready' you mean 'ready for you to _get the fuck off of me and let me go from your damn chains_' then yes. Yes I am," he grunted in response.

Tenten grinned before swinging around so she was crouching just beyond his dick on the bed. She picked up a small jar and unscrewed the lid before scooping four fingers into it and took a large lump of soft cream, which she then began to rub excessively into Naruto's dick.

_Oh god…not…not…LUBE!_

He watched as Tenten finished coating him then slid her hand, still covered in a moderate amount of cream, between her legs and saturated her own genitals. Naruto gulped when she pulled her hand back and licked her fingers.

Tenten crawled on top of him like a cat and kissed him again. He tasted the cream and her juices, causing his body to react. She reached back and flipped the skirt of her dress so it fell over his member. She slid her hand along the curve of her ass and pressed the tip against her lips. With a double movement of pushing him and sitting up Naruto felt his dick slide effortlessly into her.

The two of them groaned. Naruto from the simultaneous warmth (of her uterus) and cold (of the cream). Tenten from his oppressive size.

"Tenten…"

She put two fingers to his mouth and laid against him again. He grunted as she shifted on top of him. She didn't weigh as much as Tsunade, but her legs and abdomen were stronger. Naruto, if he had had enough focus to think about it, would guess that Tsunade felt weaker when they had sex because her chakra control was off due to his powerful pheromones.

But he was more concerned about how tight Tenten's pussy was and it didn't even graze his mind.

She kissed his neck and scratched at his chest as she lifted her lower body and set it down, trying to get the feel for her limits of movement. When she found that even with Naruto's penis primarily bent in half she could move her body up and down, while being bent herself, she did it. Naruto growled into her ear as he struggled against the chains to move.

Even in the throws of her lust Tenten noticed some of the weaker links in the chain were bending. She grinned and nibbled lightly on his earlobe. "Those chains should be draining you of any extra chakra in your system," she whispered as she squeezed her thighs.

He felt her inner muscles constrict and nearly strangle him. Growling deeper in his throat he showed her a toothy grin, "You should remember I have extra stamina on back up."

Her eyes glinted in the limited light of the morning sun so they were almost bright orange. She kissed him forcefully. He concentrated and broke the chain of his left hand and grabbed her left ass cheek. She gasped into his mouth, especially when he dug his fingers into her meat and scratched her with his nails. She dug her nails into his chest and grunted as she sat up right.

His free hand went to her chest and palmed her small perky breast. He squeezed it before ripping the bodice of her dress off. He did it with such force it shook her and caused one of her buns to come undone. The hair fell and obscured a large part of the small fleshy peak, but it didn't stop him from pulling her back down to sample her nipple. He bit it, not taking the care she showed to his ear and relished the small moans and squeaks of surprise she was making.

"You're too rough Naruto-sama!" she cried running her hands through her hair.

_You're the one who put me _chains_ while I was unconscious dammit…_he wanted to reply, but her strong fingers dug into his scalp and demanded he continue the abuse of her tit. Naruto wriggled his head free and took as much as her small breast as he could into his mouth, and like he had done with Tsunade, began to show that even chained he was in control. He sank his fangs, which in his highly aroused state had transformed into that of a normal tailed state, into her skin, breaking it just enough for blood to bubble up.

She cried out, either in pain or pleasure he couldn't tell.

She had slowly begun to pick up the pace of her riding, but now, as she heard the creaking of the chains around his legs, she hurried herself, tightening the muscles of her vagina and her insides and squeezed her thighs as hard as she could. Naruto roared and grabbed the back of her neck forcing her mouth to his.

She screamed into it as she felt his nails, now more applicable as claws; dig once more into the meat of her butt. She felt his teeth snatch at the skin of her lips and drove her mad on the smell and taste of her own blood. She broke the kiss and pushed him back down to the edge of the bed.

He tried to get up, but she drew a new chain and wrapped it securely around his arm and threw the kunai into opposite corners of the wall, keeping his limbs down. She grinned madly as she bounced on him, making him feel as if his dick would be pulled off.

"God!" he bellowed.

"Soon, hold on Naruto-sama," she breathed taking his face in her hands and showering it with kisses as her body began to heat up. She felt the gathering of her climax and the tensing of the muscles in his dick.

And when he came (to her it felt like some kind of eruption) she did as well arching her back and all but screaming.

It was a short release, but it had been hot and hard into her, as when she climbed off of him she felt some slide down the inside of her thigh. _I'm not as tight as I though ne?_…she said mentally as she sat at the edge of Naruto's bed.

The blonde himself sighed. Once again he had been forced to have sex, but he had at least enjoyed it. The chains were a little freaky, and he did _not_ want to repeat this ever again.

Having sex by force two times was enough.

"So Tenten…are we done? Can I get up now?" he asked looking at her.

she laughed, her shoulders gigging with each sound of mirth. "sorry Naru-chan…we still have a _long, long_ way to go," she said as she stood and turned around.

Naruto realized, once again something was wrong.

1. He was now looking at Tenten between two large mounds.

2. Tenten was pulling something on.

3. He suddenly could not feel his penis.

_Oh…God…_Naruto thought suddenly understanding why Tenten had just called him _Naru-chan_,

Somehow, someway, he had changed form from his normal self into his Oiroke-No-Jutsu form. And Tenten had revealed the largest, blackest, bumpiest most terrifying strap-on dildo Naruto had ever heard of.

It also appeared to have an on board motor.

"Uh…Ten…ten…what is that?"

"The _long way to go!"_

Naruto managed to scream: "BUDDHA'S DOUGHNUTS AND COFFEE!" Just as Tenten leapt at him, the motor on her hideous friend billowing exhaust.

**Xxxxxx.Lemon Ends.xxxxxX**

Naruto sat up and panted hard. He quickly tested his limbs and found not one of them was bound by chain. He slapped his chest to find hard muscle instead of soft breast fat. And as a last precaution he flipped up the sheets and his pants and boxers and looked dead at his penis, which thankfully, was limp.

He sighed contentedly and shook. Quickly looking to his left he saw that Tenten was right where she had been when he had fallen asleep. Slowly his bodily functions went back to normal, but distantly he could hear someone laughing.

Naruto stood up and went to his bathroom and splashed cold water into his face. the slightly purple iris' and slit pupils told him all he needed to know.

He growled, "Don't _ever_ do that again Baka-ko (1),"

Another round of laughing went off in his head and he waited for the last of the fox's mental influence to fade before going downstairs. As he descended he realized that he had not seen Shikamaru leave.

That coupled with the smoke coming from under his guestroom door, and the sounds of mumbling made him hope it was a fire spirit with a swollen tongue. _That_ he could deal with.

"Shikamaru?" he asked knocking on the door. it cracked a little and one beady black eye glanced at him. "What are you doing in there?"

"Hiding."

"From?"

Shikamaru looked from the left to the right. it then focused on Naruto to such an extent it actually shrank in size. "_Trouble_."

Naruto smacked himself in the forehead. "_Why_ are you doing it in _my_ guestroom?"

Shikamaru took a puff of his unseen cigarette. "Because _you_ cause so much trouble. It's always darkest at the base of the lighthouse."

Naruto's eye twitched. "Look Shikamaru. I had a _really_ weird dream and you becoming a hobo in my new house is not helping things!"

Shikamaru took another puff. "I'm sorry Naruto. But I can't trust you or what you say. The _Trouble_ may have already gotten to you." And he closed the door. Naruto heard the sound of locks being turned and realized that Shikamaru was _not_ going to leave his guestroom anytime soon.

Naruto took a few seconds to calm himself and went to his kitchen.

He ran back and began to beat on the door. "THIS ISN'T INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS YOU LAZY BUM! GET OUT HERE BEFORE I TAN YOUR ASS BETTER THAN THE SUNA SUN!"

"It's too early for this," Tenten said walking down and past the ranting Naruto.

Naruto grumbled and followed her into the kitchen to get some breakfast.

Meanwhile in his new Smoke Room Shikamaru pulled a small spoon from his back pocket. It flashed in the limited light and he glanced at the hardwood floor. _I _must_ do it…to avoid the Trouble…it's coming…I can feel it. It has made its move. So I must counter. _

Shikamaru looked around. _Come Watson! The game is afoot!_

And he began to dig.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Ino sat up in bed and had the smell of tea hit her nose. She looked at her nightstand and saw the steaming cup sitting there next to a small biscuit. She drank the tea and finished the biscuit quickly before heading downstairs to see Yui reading the morning paper.

She snickered at Garfield comic and looked up. "Hello Ino-chan!"

_For a girl that tried to turn my sexual preference on its ear she doesn't seem too tired. _"Okay Yui. You and me have to talk."

Yui looked up from her comics and blinked. "What?"

Ino sat down across from Yui and motioned for her to close the paper and put it down. Yui complied and set it on the far side of the table. "Let me tell you straight: I don't like girls." Yui nodded as if that was the end of it. The nod was also the kind you give old people who keep talking. "Listen to me Yui!" Ino decided she would have to talk to her as she did Naruto. Which meant, basically, not being nice.

"I don't like what you did yesterday." Yui seemed to take notice. "I was not only drunk but feeling like shit. I'm sorry if this is blunt but I don't want or need that kind of help. So listen up and listen good: Sex doesn't help everything. In fact, for situations like last night it makes some things worse."

Yui had lowered her head and looked like a dog that had peed the carpet.

"I'm sorry…" she said, her voice small.

"Yui you don't have to be sorry," Ino said sighing loudly. "Just remember that alright? And _don't_ try and kiss me again."

Yui looked at her with a tilted head, "it didn't help?"

Ino glared at her, "No."

"But it always helped Joya-sensei."

"The woman who is _three-times your age_ kisses you to feel better?"

"Well not like the way I kissed _you_ Ino-chan," her perkiness restored.

Ino furrowed her brow…_this girl is more screwed up than Naruto!_…"Alright Yui, tell me, why did you kiss me?"

Yui blushed and looked at her hands again, "I like you Ino-chan. I was trying to show you. And I was hoping it would make you feel better."

"You could have just given me a hug and patted me on the back saying 'It's fine Ino-chan.'"

"But I wanted to kiss you!"

Ino's eye twitched. She sighed. "Yui…" the face of the girl across from her told Ino there was no hope of explaining how…wrong? Unneeded? Not proper?…she had been in kissing her. "I'm very thankful that you wanted to help…but like I said. _Sex doesn't help everything_. Say it Yui."

"S_ex doesn't help everything_," The fact Yui changed her voice to match Ino's made it seem as if she was mocking her.

"Say it like you mean it." Ino felt as if she was trying to instruct a child how to behave in public.

Which, coincidentally, she was.

"Sex doesn't help everything," Yui repeated, this time in her normal, _'I'm really, REALLY sorry I peed on the carpet_' voice.

"That's better…"

"So…" Yui asked looking at Ino, "…what do we do now?"

"Believe it or not, my parents never told me about this when they told me about 'kissing and private areas'"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Uzumaki Naruto wasn't too surprised when Yui walked into their kitchen. He had made a bowl of instant ramen and was eating it slowly. Tenten had left after another kiss, this time she hadn't tried to give any tongue much to his approval, and had agreed to his idea. He planned to talk to Yui about it

Yui went straight to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water and drink, before heating up what was left to make ramen. She sat down and ate her instant cup slowly.

"So…?" Naruto asked as he finished his own.

"I kissed Ino-chan."

"I kissed Tenten."

Yui slurped some noodles, "I shared a bed with her."

Naruto clicked his chopsticks together, "I spooned with her, and she has some muscular thighs (2). Which can be very sexy, by the way."

"Ino-chan told me she loved you in a very touching fit of drunken passion before kissing me while thinking I was you."

Naruto blinked.

"And we spooned."

He pouted, "You win."

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Shikamaru finally broke through the hard wood floor. He realized that if he had a shovel or even a kunai he would be able to dig much faster…but that also meant going outside.

Where the _Trouble_ was.

He would have to risk it. As pawns were sacrificed in Shougi to potentially get more pieces so would he venture out to obtain better digging implements.

As soon as he felt Yui and Naruto's chakra signatures leave.

Then his sub-plan would begin.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Tenten, who had just finished showering and dressing, flopped down on her bed. She groaned slightly. Last night had to be, in effect, the weirdest and most eye opening she had ever experienced.

First she realizes Naruto didn't respond to any advances because he wasn't _interested_, but because he didn't _trust _them enough to be that close. He had after all (Naruto had told her over breakfast), been subdued by not only a genjutsu but also by the fact Tsunade is a very imposing presence.

_The breasts alone, my god_…Tenten thought.

Tenten herself was feeling a little bit mischievous. Naruto, who was far more observant than Tenten had given the boy credit for, had realized that getting close to Tenten would make Ino feel bad, and he had acted accordingly, with Yui.

Although Tenten doubted that Yui would help Ino in the way Naruto was hoping.

And the reason Tenten was feeling like a trickster was mostly with Naruto's little plan. As with all of things that he had learned in his life he added a little twist that was totally Naruto. The Oiroke-No-Jutsu as a prime example.

And this plan, which turned the main focus of having sex with all the girls to merely becoming closer (and potentially finding a good girlfriend), was almost exactly like Jiraya's plan.

With far less lube.

The chocolate haired kunoichi grinned as she wondered if the girls would follow Naruto's plan. Because, in all honestly, they were bred, born, and raised to fight. And Shinobi pride is much thicker than blood.

Plus Naruto's plans usually ending with something blowing up anyway.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Kakashi and Anko bowed as low as they could and still be standing. "We're really sorry," they said in perfect tandem.

Tsunade was currently sitting in her chair (with her extra comfy cushion for just such occasions) and letting her eye twitch and her veins bulge. Long ago she had found a scroll in the Third's desk detailing how to cause these reactions consciously. There was a note saying: _only to be used against Naruto-esque Antics._

Tsunade now realized why he had put that.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

The only woman in the Sannin had been sleeping contently with Joya. The two had gone to bed earlier that night than normal because they had nothing better to do and had both agreed lesbian sex had gotten too boring when done just to do it.

So, when Konohagakure No Sato's special Shinobi Equipped and Run Hospital called and said that there was a hysterical Shizune screaming about her asshole and hives, Tsunade had not been happy to be the one chosen to dig around her paranoid assistant's _butt _first thing in the morning.

And when she found out _why_ Shizune was yelling about her ass Tsunade, a cranky, _sake-less_ Tsunade, had called Hatake Kakashi and Mitarashi Anko in for an early morning meeting.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Tsunade sighed, "Do you two understand that Shizune could have been mentally traumatized? AND _I_ WOULD HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH IT!" she slammed her hand down on her recently repaired desk. "How am I supposed to direct the actions of a village full of _trained killers with magical powers_ when my assistant is COMPLAINING ABOUT A SWOLLEN ASSHOLE?!"

Kakashi held up his hand, "_What is it Kakashi?!_" she snarled.

"We didn't put _anything_ in her ass. Just for reference." He lowered her hand.

Tsunade considered breaking his arm. Then grunted. "Alright you two are suspended! NO SHINOBI ACTIONS OR MISSIONS FOR MR. AND MRS. FUCK WITH TSUNADE'S HELP!"

Kakashi raised his hand again.

"_WHAT?! WHAT FOR FUCK SAKE!"_

"So Naruto and Yui have no missions either?"

Tsunade's eye twitched, this time without her making it, "…I guess not…" she rubbed her temples. _How could this day get any worse?!_

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Tsume walked up her stoop humming to herself. She took out her key ring and jingled it a little before opening her front door and walking in. she looked around and then sniffed. _Kiba's not home…?_

"Hey Tsume," she heard from the kitchen. Following the sound of the voice she saw Kuromaru, in his human form, reading the paper while Akamaru lapped some water at the table. "Where were you last night?"

Tsume grinned, "That's for me to know…"

"And me to sniff out yeah I get it…hmm? Kiba isn't with you?" he asked. Akamaru stopped and looked at his master's mother.

She furrowed her brow, "No. I smelled he wasn't home. Didn't he come back last night?"

The two dogs shook their heads. "We got in early from visiting the Triplets (3). We thought he would be back after us, but he never came in."

Tsume frowned, her lip curled revealing a set of sharp canines. "I don't like this…something has happened…"

There came a weak, soft knock at the door. Tsume whirled around and hurried to it. When she opened the door she screamed.

"BY INU-KAMI'S WATER DISH! KIBA WHAT HAPPENED?!"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Joya was peeling an apple, as Tsunade's berate-ment of Kakashi and Anko had yet to finish so she had nothing to do when the ANBU charged into the hallway leading to Tsunade's office.

"What is it? She's busy," Joya said sternly. The ANBU stopped, turned, and bowed.

"The hospital is requesting Tsunade-sama's services right away!" he said.

"Is it Shizune's ass again?"

"NO! Inuzuka Kiba has come under some sort of intense attack! They need her expertise to judge the type of enemy and weapon."

"Well we better hurry in and get Muni-hime going," Joya said standing and throwing the apple into her mouth, lifting the she veil wore, and crunched it happily. Opening the door she called Tsunade and quickly explained what had happened.

Sighing the Sannin rose, "Alright I'm coming. YOU TWO!" she said snapping her head to the two trickster Jounin who had tried to sneak out, "_Remember what I said…_" she hissed.

They nodded furiously and dashed out of the office, by secret ninja pathway as Tsunade and Joya and the ANBU hurried to the hospital.

As they arrived doctor Akabane Kuroudo briskly walked up to them. He grinned with a grave glint in his eyes. Tsunade remembered that he had been an enemy ninja who had come from some faraway island Nation. Supposedly he had a jutsu that transformed his blood into a weapon.

Ignoring this she shook his hand as briskly as he had approached her. "Hello Tsunade-sama. I'm happy that you came so quickly."

"It doesn't matter, give me the situation," she ordered following him to Kiba's room.

"Of course. Late last night Inuzuka Kiba was attacked. Because he was either hit so fast he doesn't know what hit him or his mind has temporarily subdued it from his memory he has no recollection what-so-ever."

"Where and when was he found?"

"Late this morning. He dragged himself to his mother's home where she found him and brought him here immediately. We checked him and deduced that he should-…Tsunade-sama it is this way," he said pointing.

Tsunade saw the sign above the door and hallway. "But…this is…"

He struck a doctor pose, "Yes…THE SER! The Sexual Emergency Room!"

Tsunade's eye twitched.

Joya started to laugh.

And all of us have died a little on the inside.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Kiba was unconscious. He laid on the bed as his mother sobbed uncontrollably to the nurse who was checking his vitals. When Tsunade and Joya and Akabane entered she leapt at the Sannin and buried her face in her breasts. If Tsunade wasn't used to this by now (as most people showering her with emotion somehow managed to fall in there) she would have been a little angrier.

She patted the dog woman's back, "It's fine Tsume…uh Joya…"

Joya stepped up and hugged Tsume. She whirled and started crying into Joya's kimono. _The things I do for love…or is it her ass…I'm sure it's one of the two…_The oldest ninja in the room mused.

"All right. Give me the rundown of his symptoms," she said as the nurse and Akabane took their places at Tsunade's side.

"Of course. First we noticed these," Akabane said taking out a pointer and indicating the red marks on Kiba's ankles and wrists. "he was bound by what we have deduced to be 'fuzzy handcuffs.' The fur left a deadly chaffing completely around each limb. Itchy…"

Tsunade grunted. "Forgive me. Moving on. A similar mark is around his neck, but that came from this," he said lifting a leather collar with a dog tag and the kanji for 'spot' on said dog tag. "After removing his clothing we found his underwear had been cut off by some sort of sharp weapon, as there were light, but non threatening scars, on both outer thighs. Following that," the nurse removed the sheet, "we saw bruises forming from belt buckles. We believe that the perpetrator bound his pelvis with them, along with, nurse," the nurse reached down and lifted Kiba's penis, "as you can see."

"Why _there?_" Tsunade asked.

"Well, it appears that in a state of arousal when the penis is restricted at the base there is no way for ejaculate to escape. The pressure from base causes the head and length to become infinitely sensitive. In short, the more pressure the more pleasure," Akabane explained.

Tsunade filed that information away, "How do you know that?"

Akabane gave a knowing smile, "I have a few Kunoichi friends who believed that sex and torture was a matter of how many pillows are in the room."

Leaving that image to shiver away Tsunade checked Kiba herself. She noticed he had bite marks along the edge of his penis, which the nurse was still holding, and his neck. As she noticed how tightly both penis and pelvis had been bound she looked at Akabane.

"Did they…uh…"

"Hmmm?" he asked.

Joya decided tact was out the window, "Did they sodomize the bitch?"

This caused Tsume to howl and sob, a truly pathetic and aggravating thing to listen to.

Akabane laughed slightly, "No. the nurse made sure as soon as we saw everything else. It is standard SER procedure."

"Well…that's good. What did you need me for then?" asked the Sannin as she tried to ignore Tsume.

Akabane snapped his fingers, "Oh, there were marks we had a hard time identifying and I was hoping you had an Idea as to what they were. Nurse help me," he said as the nurse let Little Kiba go and helped Akabane roll Kiba onto his side.

As Tsunade saw what he meant her eye began to twitch again. She looked up and glared at her lover. "_Joya…would you mind explaining_ this?" she growled pointing to Kiba's ass.

Both Tsume and Joya, curious, went and examined it. Embedded in Kiba's ass-meat were large welts, circles or holes, by the shape of them. Under the circles was something that made Joya's face blanch. She stood straight and felt her lover's chakra skyrocket.

Tsume looked from them and then looked back at what was on her son's ass. She blinked and then squinted and then looked at Tsunade. "You two know why there's a chibi _Hinata_ on my son's ass?"

Tsunade, whose fists were shaking and _begging_ to be unleashed on Joya rumbled out, "_Yes. Yes we do. And _Joya_ is going to explain in _excruciating _detail why this happened _at all!"

Joya chuckled nervously. "Let me say this before I begin: my hypnosis would have worked _much, much_ better if Hinata wasn't so screwed up…"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

End of Part 1

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

* * *

A/N: Yep. These past 13 Chapters were all the first part of Entwined Tails. After looking at where I wanted to go with this story I realized that it will take a while. So, when this section of the story is over I'll start on _Defiled by Her Blood_. 

Dictionary:

1 (Baka-ko): Stupid Fox. Because it thought it sounded much better as this.

2 (Tenten's body): The Lemon was an image Kyuubi sent to Naruto in his sleep. Kyuubi could only show Naruto what it had seen itself. so because Tenten had worn dresses like that before Kyuubi knew how to make her body appear to Naruto to screw him up.

3 (The Triplets): Inuzuka Hana's trio of dogs.


	14. Where We Stand

A/N: Hello everyone! The second part of Entwined Tails begins now! and also this is one of a double update! I'm also asking for a beta. My current one is doing a fine job, but he hasn't e-mailed me back and I need someone who can do these in a few hours.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and only take responsibilty for my own characters

* * *

Part 2: Wrapping Around

Things are getting crazy in Konoha. First named Noumaki Yui, a girl who looks exactly like Naruto shows up with her perverted lesbian sensei, Nobonachi Joya, and swears loyalty to our hapless hero as his servant for all their lives! And it just so happens that when Naruto tries to shake her off Tsunade _orders_ him accept her as his new roommate/tutor/servant/maid/potential girlfriend and lover!

If you think that is strange wait until you hear this:

Jiraya is trying to make Naruto into the next in a long line of Ninja pimps

Kakashi is helping and hindering the Sannin's plans while playing tricks and teaming up with Anko,

Anko becomes Naruto's new sensei and their first mission is getting naked.

Sakura has gone off to the woods to master a powerful jutsu that grants her the ability to use the power of the Manifestation of the Will of Fire (along with explosive diarrhea and the worst case of hair growth since Big Foot in puberty),

Yui has pheromones from hell, which cause Naruto to get a demonically charged hard-on!

Tsunade steps up as a switch hitter, if you know what I mean, and goes after younger men and older women!

Ino, whose burgeoning feelings for Naruto have her feeling flustered, remembers when Naruto thought one of her pranks went to far and he _disciplined _her like he was her daddy!

Jiraya is getting play from the older women of Konoha so much he's forced into an emergency room designed especially for _sexy_ emergencies.

Shikamaru has become a narcoleptic, paranoid, Sherlock Holmes impersonating mole.

Shizune is afraid she's been forced to have intense BDSM sex with Anko and Kakashi, and she thinks she's becoming a lesbian.

Hinata changes into a Dominatrix queen whenever she feels the 'urge to merge.' And has turned a certain dog-boy into her bitch!

It's Kiba!

His mom, Inuzuka Tsume is a retired Furry Queen.

Neji is lost in the wilderness after being hit by Hinata's ultimate 'weapon.'

Gai reveals that he measures his eyebrows.

Lee is trying to learn how to fly!

Sakura and Ino made Ayame from Ichiraku Ramen strip down and take cheesecake photos with ramen noodles and bowls.

And did I mention all the Kunoichi in the village know Naruto has a 25 centimeter dick?

This is all in PART ONE! As the Story resumes Tsunade and Joya have to figure out a way to snap Hinata out from being a 'Dom Queen' back into a princess! And with her mind confusing reality from fantasy they have a very limited amount of time before she's trapped and the entire village is turned into her BDSM kingdom!

Now Naruto, the only man who can free her from the weird mental funk she's in, has to deal with Ino's sexual confusion, and Tenten's hunger for kisses! And do you remember that plan of his? Well it seems it's not going to go as he wanted it to as Tenten predicted!

Now, welcome once again to Entwined Tails, Part 2!

**Chapter 14**

**Where We Stand**

Inuzuka Tsume, as opposed to her angry and animalistic urges, is a very understanding and calm woman. Like Anko she is brash and loud on the outside, but hides a distinct cunning streak and the ability to stay calm under pressure. It is this ability that netted her one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist during the 3rd Great Shinobi War when the rest of her squad ran out on her.

But when she heard what Nobonachi Joya said, well, let's just say she was not a happy camper.

In fact, considering _Tsunade_ had trouble restraining her from going out to kill Hinata, we can deduce she was not happy _at all_.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Tsunade, still shaking with rage, turned to Akabane and his nurse. "This discussion has intense village sensitive information, please go about your business."

Akabane nodded. "Of course Tsunade-sama. Nurse Komugi, please tell security to turn off the cameras and listening devices in this room, I'm sure Tsunade-sama can handle any emergency that would arise." He nodded and tipped an invisible hat before leaving. As he exited the room a messenger approached.

"Dr. Akabane? We just got in this order of ceramic scalpels?"

Akabane laughed, "Oh wonderful! I've been waiting for these…" his eyes flashed murderous intent, "Reitei-kun…"

Komugi blinked at him, "Did you say something Doctor?"

He snapped out of it, "Oh nothing at all. Just thinking of an old friend. Tee hee."

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Tsunade waited for the power light on the camera to turn off before grabbing Joya around the throat. "_Now Joya…please inform us on how Hinata's 'Queen' self is still around!_"

Joya laughed nervously once again. "Can I have some space Tsunade-_sama_?" she asked, being as respectful as possible. Tsunade let Joya go, _very slowly_ and gave her a glare, which let her know no amount of space would allow her to escape.

Joya cleared her throat and adjusted both her veil and her prosthetic mask. "Alright. As far as I know Naruto's two little lost puppy dogs, Haruno Sakura, and Yamanaka Ino, used their ninja training to capture and subjugate Ichiraku Ayame."

"Yeah I know all about that," Tsume said crossing her arms.

"What you _don't_ know is that Naruto was so angry he actually grew some balls for once and dragged Ino and Sakura to his home and demanded they apologize. When they refused he gave them some old fashioned, down home, discipline."

Tsume's face grew blank. "He spanked them both until their asses were beet red."

Her jaw dropped. She looked at Tsunade who nodded. "I put the genjutsu on them that made them forget. They just remember him dragging them to Ayame's house to apologize, not the spanking."

"Well what does that have to do with anything?" asked the aggravated dog-woman.

"It seems the only people who _didn't_ know were Sakura and Ino. The other girls in their group, Hinata, Tenten, and the Kazekage's sister all found out about it as people will and made as many jokes about it as they could," explained Joya as she sat in a chair by the wall.

"Again, what does it have to do with anything?"

"Well…slowly that information grew and festered in Hinata's brain. Then when Yui showed up,"

"That new girl who looks like Naruto?" Tsume asked.

Joya nodded and waved her hand in an impatient gesture, "Yes. When Yui showed up Temari got angry and said they should get someone to spank them. Tenten then said and I quote, 'I wish Naruto would spank _me_.' And because of that it triggered something in Hinata. Did your son tell you about the chunin exams?" Tsume nodded. "Well Kurenai, after asking her about it, told me it was Naruto's cheering that gave her the…well…_fighting_ urge.

"And when she heard that Tenten, another obstacle between her and Naruto's affection, she…_clicked_."

"Clicked?"

Tsunade explained, "She began to wear leather, and somehow found a paddle in which she carved not only the words '_Hinata's Little Helper_' but also a very _detailed_ picture of Naruto, in chibi form, threatening a chibi Hinata with a chibi version of the paddle."

"So…Hinata…went S&M on Kiba because…?"

"Well that's where it _kinda_ becomes _my _fault," Joya said wincing. "You see she declined slowly until she became a type of sexual berserker, attacking anyone who would stop her from getting to Naruto. And she did so with the combination of Hakke so…"

"She literally sent her father, three Hyuuga clan heads, two branch family high guards, and Neji flying out of Konoha to parts unknown," Tsunade added.

Tsume gaped at them. "Why did she do that? What caused it?"

"I met with her before her attack on Hiashi and Neji and found out that she was having wet dreams about Naruto becoming, in her words, her 'daddy.'"

Tsume snorted as she tried to picture Naruto in a leather master's outfit. And the crazy thing was: She could. And it was _sexy_.

"Well she was acting as if these things were really happening. And anyone who got in her way as either going to take her to Naruto or take _his place_ in her fantasy. She was brought to me at that time and I used my family jutsu to make her think those fantasies didn't happen and seal anything like them away.

"Later, when she had a dream again (by no fault of my jutsu but of the difficulty of sealing crap away like memories and desires), she was thrown into a berserker frenzy by the conflicting mental forces. One part of her, the sexual and warrior side, wanting to engage in an act classified as 'deprave' and something her father would strongly disapprove of, the other part, her princess purity and desire to be closer to Naruto, combined into one," Joya emphasized this by showing her hands interlocking their fingers. "In essence the warrior who strikes down all in her path to serve her princess' wish and whim."

"Hence what happened to Hiashi and the others?" Tsume asked. Joya nodded, "so why did she do that TO _MY SON_?!" she bellowed throwing her finger to Kiba.

Tsunade's eyes gleamed, "Yes Joya…that is the part _I_ want to know about _as well_."

Joya sweat dropped, "Weeeeellll…" she gulped and composed herself, "When I went to fix _that_ problem with her I asked her about why she would do that. It was odd seeing her go from Queen to Princess, but anyway. The 'Queen' part of her said it was because Naruto was a sexy beast. I'm thinking it's a type of instinct. Focusing on how Naruto is very close to the Kyuubi in some regards. 'The' Princess part told me she was more focused on just trying to get Naruto.

Joya thrust out her hand, "_However_ I found out that Hinata's attraction to Naruto was based on the fact she felt indebted to Naruto and how the 'Queen' side felt. The Princess side doesn't want Naruto completely."

"Who does she want?" Tsume asked.

Tsunade and Tsume watched as Joya's eyes rolled to Kiba, "And when I 'killed' the Queen side I told Hinata she should try and have more confidence in herself."

"So why…?" Tsunade began.

"Well it could be that the mental push for confidence awoke the 'Queen' Part who was only put into a stasis instead of down right ousted because of Hinata's pedigree. I mean she is the heir to the Hyuuga house with _the_ deadliest Taijutsu in the village. Five plus generations of Hyuuga breeding isn't gonna be kicked out by a spin off of the clan like me (1)."

"Okay…" Tsume tapped her face mark on her left cheek. "Hyuuga Hinata has become a sexual berserker because of hypnosis, from you," she pointed at Joya, "trying to merely stop her from being open about her sexual desire to be spanked in public at Hiashi's request?"

"Yep…"

"And she did this to Kiba," she turned and looked at her unconscious son, "most likely because he gave her a anything from a love pat to a hog slap, triggering said berserker state. And because she wanted to be with Kiba, and he's closest to Naruto in personality she unleashed her sexual rage on him?"

"Probably…and your son is a bit of a bitch…"

"Noted, and I agree…" Tsume said. She clapped her hands, "Well. Then that just about sums it up. If you excuse me…_I HAVE A PRINCESS TO KILL!_" Tsume leapt over Kiba's bed and dashed to the door. Tsunade and Joya grabbed her, but her muscles bulged with chakra and she began to pull them. FIRST HE'S NOT A VIRGIN AND NOW HE'S THAT LITTLE FOP'S WHIPPING BOARD! WHEN I'M DONE WITH THAT LITTLE _WHORE_ I'M GONNA BEAT _HIS_ ASS! _AGAIN_!"

"TSUME STOP!" Tsunade roared grabbing her Afro. Tsume barked loudly as she slowly dragged the two elder ninja to the door. "JOYA! _DO_ SOMETHING!"

"_You're_ the one with superhuman strength!" the elder of the three ninjas retorted. "FINE!" she made the signs and paralyzed Tsume just as her claws scraped the door.

"Tsume…" Tsunade panted. "You _cannot_ attack Hinata."

Tsume made some grunting noises, which Tsunade took to mean 'why not?'

Taking a breath to steady herself, and her growing frustration, she answered with, "Because that would constitute ANBU action of charging you with treason. And that wouldn't look good to _either_ clan. We need to handle this like ninja!"

Tsume growled, which Tsunade took to mean, 'fine' or something along those lines. Tsunade nodded to Joya who released the jutsu and allowed Tsume to sit down in her chair.

"So…what are we going to do?" Tsume asked. "I know some _very_ effective training tips that would straighten that _Queen_ side out…" Inuzuka Tsume has trained five ninja dogs and two children, she knew how to handle things like this.

"I doubt doing to Hinata what she did to Kiba will help Tsume. And keep your weird fantasies to yourself!" Tsunade added. The look on Tsume's face showed she hadn't been thinking of _that_.

"…to…" a faint voice whispered.

The three women whirled to see Kiba one eye open and looking at them, "KIBA!" Tsume cried as she dashed to her son's side, knocking Tsunade over in the process. "What did you say?"

He tried to say it but he winced and lifted his ass off of the bed, "Na…ruto…"

"Naruto?" Tsunade looked at Joya, who shrugged.

"She…wants Naru…to," he grunted.

Joya's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "OF COURSE!" she said smacking her fist into her hand. "The Queen was born from Hinata's suppressed desires and urges! So if we get her to _fulfill_ those then the Queen has no reason to exist!"

Tsume, who was holding Kiba's hand looked at her, "What does it mean?"

Joya struck her best pose (2), "It means we have to Get Uzumaki Naruto to be Hinata's Dominating Daddy!"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

"So your plan is to get closer to Ino-chan and Tenten-san?" Yui asked.

"That's right, and to make sure nothing gets in the way: no sex whatsoever! It would take a life threatening attack from some kind of instinctually based, super weapon wielding, uber-ninja to get me to have sex right now," Naruto said as he slurped his third Ramen bowl of the day. Yui blushed. "Something wrong Yui-chan?"

She pressed her fingers together not unlike a certain princess, "Well…we didn't see Lee-san so…and the…"

Naruto sighed and went squint, "Yes I'll still do _that_. Just not every night okay?"

Yui squeaked and ran to Naruto's side to hug him. He could easily see her wagging a tail if she had one.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Haruno Sakura stood up. She looked around and then checked her hair one more time in the reflective image of the water's surface. She grinned when she saw she had gotten her hair completely straight. Her _other_ hair problems had also been taken care of, and with the effects of the Spirit's Chakra lessening by the hour she wouldn't have to take care of it for a couple of days.

She used her new senses, heightened only slightly compared to what they were, and found she would get caught in a rain storm if she didn't hurry.

"Naruto…just wait…I'm coming big boy!" Sakura took off, her soiled, and ripped brown traveling cloak blocking her now perky B-cups from view.

The fact she only had on a barely held together pair of granny-panties didn't help things.

"No one better have tried to make a move while I was gone, because if they did," she tested out her newest Jutsu: the Giritsume no jutsu (2). Each finger became long and thin with a sharp little claw of her red chakra at the end. "They'll see how much of a _fox_ Haruno Sakura can be!"

Laughing madly Sakura tore through the wilderness of the Land of Fire.

Not even realizing she was actually in the Land of Lightning.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Neji panted. His grim and stoic face a testament to pissed off. "WHO THE FUCK PUT _THIS_ HERE!"

The _this_ he is referring to is a giant monument built in honor of Yamachokin, the local god of storms and mountains. The ironic bit is that the statue is placed in the middle of a canyon with sheer cliff faces over two miles high on each side.

Neji screamed. He looked around and randomly starting to be angsty at things.

"DAMN ROCK!" he screamed as he kicked it, shattering it with his now hyper strong leg muscles. He crouched down in a meditative pose and began to calm himself down. He opened his eyes, in a new calmer state, and saw something carved into the statue. Crawling on his hands and knees he looked at it, forgetting her had telescopic vision.

Symbol of two mountain peaks and a river was carved just above a placard with this writing: From MountainWind productions. Blowing away the competition for the last 15 years.

"This name…it…it plagues me…I _know _that whoever is doing this to me has something to do with…_MountainWind_ Productions…" Neji stood up and glared and was angsty once more. His head flew up and he pointed at the sky."FUCKING CLOUDS! FUCK YOU AND YOU'RE HIGHER THAN ME-NESS!"

The proverbial 'light bulb' went on in Neji's head.

He eyed the canyon walls and measured his chakra supply. _To keep Hinata-sama's honor in tact (and to make sure _no one_ finds out about the hair-dye) I must hurry…I should have just enough chakra to scale the wall and rest for a day._

"I'M COMING HINATA-SAMA!" he cried as he leapt at the wall and used his chakra to stick and begin to climb.

Forgetting he had no food or water.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Shikamaru pressed himself against the door. He felt Yui and Naruto leave. His own chakra signature was so weakened from both fatigue and lack of food he knew they had forgotten about them.

When heard the door close he quickly dashed out of the guest room. He went into the kitchen and grabbed two cups of instant ramen and ate them in record time (he cooked them first) before drinking all of a bottle of water in one gulp.

"Now…to business," he said as he noticed that Naruto and Yui had left a spare set of keys on the table. He grabbed them and looked at them. They had a small chibi picture of Naruto on each key. _Yui's set…alright I'll go to the key place next to my dad's. they also sell shovels and digging equipment._

Shikamaru made a mental list and headed for the back door, remembering to lock it.

He leapt over buildings and headed for his parent's house and the hardware store with the tools he would need for the job.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Hyuuga Hanabi did _not_ want to see her older sister.

She, along with every remaining member of the Hyuuga compound, had seen the expulsion of chakra that coincided with her transformation.

_The Magical Girl Transformation from _Hell_…_she thought.

She only hoped no one had been around when it happened.

Hanabi steeled herself as she walked to her sister's bedroom. She opened the door and looked in. The light breathing told her that Hinata was asleep, but because of Hinata's bookshelves next to the door she couldn't see her. she opened it more and slid inside slowly. She saw Hinata resting peacefully on her futon, her covers pulled up making her sister seem younger than she was. Hanabi smiled and looked at how beautiful she was.

Until she noticed the little piece of black sticking out from under the covers. Shuddering Hanabi closed her eyes and reached down for the blanket's edge. She pulled it back. She saw the black thing was connected to a longer black thing.

_Don't tell me…_Hanabi shuddered mentally as she pulled the covers back completely.

Hyuuga Hinata was still wearing her dominatrix outfit. The only difference was it appeared to have _grown_ even more gothic. The heels she wore now had _kunai blades_ as the heels instead of normal spikes. Her gloves held the Konoha crest and went up her arms ending in garter belts. Her the pink nipples of her large breasts had apparently been _pierced_ sometime last night, as she had plugs to prevent them from filling as she slept. Hanabi saw that the rings had small bells attached to them.

The icing on the cake was the set of kitty ears on her head and the tail, which _was not_ attached to any part of her outfit.

_Oh god…she's…she hasn't changed back._

Hanabi turned around and hurried to run before a hand grabbed her ankle. she screamed before a round plastic shape was forced into her mouth.

"Hanabi-chan…" Hinata said as she wrapped her hand around her sister's stomach, after tightening the ball gag. "How long has it been since we…" her eyes widened and seemed to grow even crazier, "_bonded?!_"

Hanabi whimpered.

And little did poor Hanabi know, but Hinata had a _special friend_ just for this type of situation.

And it was already lubed up and ready to go.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Tsunade of the Sannin, her lover and advisor, Nobonachi Joya, and Inuzuka Tsume walked with purpose toward the Hyuuga compound, flanked by ANBU who were moving out of sight as to not create alarm.

When Tsunade saw the normal Branch Family guards were not there she looked at Joya. "Could she have…?"

Joya put a finger to her chin, "I don't know. It might be possible the berserker state is lasting longer. But It might just be a shift-"

_SWACK!_

Four Hyuuga suddenly flew out of the main house and landed in front of the three women.

"Tsu-tsunade-sama…" one of the grunted. The Sannin crouched down next to him and lifted his head.

"What happened?"

"Hinata-sama…she's…_changed_ again…now she's…she's _more powerful_ than ever before!"

Joya stopped herself from laughing.

"Where is she?" Tsunade asked.

"We stopped her from using some sort of…" he gulped, "_phallic_ shape on Hanabi-sama, but after that she headed to the baths for the Kunoichi of the clan. She said something about…a length? A name?"

Joya put a hand on Tsunade's shoulder, "She's eliminating the competition. She's moving like a predator staking out it's territory and getting rid of any threat to her conquest! We have got to get in there now!"

Tsunade nodded and motioned for the ANBU. "Squad 4, help them, the three of us will head in with Squad 7!"

"Hai Tsunade-Sama," everyone there that was _able_ to speak said in Unison.

Tsunade, Joya, and Tsume, along with a squad of four ANBU and one ANBU commander, dashed into the Hyuuga compound.

To defeat the single sexiest threat to the village since Orochimaru found out you could buy lube in bulk.

* * *

A/N: Well what an interesting chapter! Cliff hanger! but no! I'm posting a second one just after this one!

Dictionary:

1 (Joya's Clan): The Nobonachi clan, much like the Uchiha clan, can find its routes within the Hyuuga clan. Joya's family is a branch from the Branch family while Uchihas come from the Main Family.


	15. Here Comes Trouble Together With Hinata

A/N: Hello everyone! Once again if you are interested in being a beta (for this story and any others of mine) please send me a PM or email.

Thanks, MountainWind blowing away.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto

* * *

**Chapter 15**

**Here Comes Trouble **

**Together with Hinata**

Tsunade took the spearhead and dashed into the compound, allowing space for Tsume to throw two large smoke bombs. The Sannin pressed her body against the outer wall of the complex. Tsume followed her in and crouched down on all fours. Joya was close behind her.

"I'm not good in battles right now. Kuromaru _may_ come if I call but she'll find us faster," Tsume said. She sniffed. "Hinata…"

"Did you get her scent?"

"Yeah…she's coming…"

The smoke was blown away by a blast of energy either being pulled in or pushed out. Hinata stood at its center a Branch Family member's collar in her grasp. He was drooling and his eyes were spinning around in their sockets.

"Hyuuga Hinata! As Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato I demand you release him now!" Tsunade bellowed going straight into what Naruto called 'Bad-Ass-Obachan mode.'

Hinata looked at the guard. She returned her gaze to Tsunade, who noticed her eyes were smaller than normal, and smiled. She flipped the Hyuuga up and smacked him with her paddle, sending him flying over the compound wall to land among his fellows.

Tsunade's eye twitched. "So you wanna play bitch?" Hinata's eyes suddenly shrank and she made a flurry of hand-signs. "Uh…what is she doing?"

"That can't be…" Tsume whispered.

"What? You know what she is doing?" Tsunade asked.

"It's…well it's the basic principle for all Inuzuka family techniques. It uses Chakra to suppresses the human functions of the brain."

"Like when opening one of the celestial gates?" Joya asked.

"Yeah. And in essence since the queen is _already_ instinct what we are facing is pure animal hunger to mate. And…well I hate to make a pun but…"

"GET ON WITH IT DAMMIT!" Tsunade and Joya roared at the same time.

"She has the ultimate, _urge to merge_!" Tsume said striking a pose.

"Tsume…if you weren't the commander of our hunting division I would-"

"I smell Naruto-sama…" Hinata whispered. Tsunade turned her head and looked at her. "Inside of you," she pointed with her free hand.

Tsunade leaned in toward Tsume, "I don't want to explain how but is it possible for her to _smell_ that kind of stuff when it's…" Tsunade looked at her lower half.

"Well with enough Chakra and a sample of what she wants to find it's possible yeah…but first. Why do you have something of Naruto-" Tsume stopped as she understood what it meant for Tsunade to _have_ something of Naruto inside her. "Oh my…Hey! Is it really-"

"TSUNADE LOOK OUT!" Joya cried.

Hinata dashed forward the end of the paddle forced into the ground. She dragged it causing a huge crater in her wake. Tsunade's eyes widened. _She got under my guard like I was nothing more than a Genin…I…I don't think I can block that!_

"No one will have Naruto-sama inside them BUT ME!" she swung her paddle and it exploded with chakra.

"TSUNADE-SAMA!" the ANBU cried as they watched.

There was a huge clash of energies as Hinata blinked. Tsunade was knocked back and gasped to see Joya standing between her and Hinata. "Shinmoku…god wood. It's a leafless tree only found in the uninhabited areas of the Land of Fire. It gathers sunlight in its porous bark and heartwood. When it's formed into a weapon, say like a paddle, and then charged with chakra the stored solar energy is turned outward.

"In short it is the best material for making wooden weapons. But the problem is Mistress Misfit…" Joya's arms were guarded by two huge shields, which she held by handles at their forward ends. "I have some Shinmoku weapons too!"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

The ANBU's medic blinked, "What are those? I've never seen weapons like them."

"They're the Oni-Tonfa," the commander replied.

"What?"

"Before Joya-sama became a medic ninja and a genjutsu expert she was known as 'Ogre Shield Joya.' Her shields could deflect any type of jutsu when charged with her chakra. She was always sent into dangerous missions with powerful weapon using enemies. But the shields she used when I saw them were much smaller.

"It appears, she got the patented Mist-Nin size upgrade."

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Joya charged her blocking arm with chakra and pushed Hinata's paddle away. _Damn…it took more chakra than I have to spare to block one attack. And if what Dog-breath said is true she's not going to do the normal thing and be arrogant while gloating over my mortally wounded and, yet still slowly, dying body. She's going straight for the kill. _

_Arrogant enemies is how old farts like Tsunade and I have stayed alive so long. If only I was _slightly more_ badass than I already am. But even then I couldn't kill her because it's not her fault that she's trying to _kill and or rape me_…wait…_RAPE ME?!

Joya jumped out of the way of an oddly ended whip and gasped as it caused a crater two feet across. _BUDDHA DOUGHNUTS! WHAT THE HELL?! How does she do that with a DILDO WHIP?!_

She landed on a wall's edge and panted. "This is the weirdest battle I have ever been in. And I once fought a fishmonger using a broken fish tail. Wait…" Joya's eyes widened. "TSUME! I KNOW HOW TO STOP HER!"

Joya leapt again and clapped her hands together. The air became saturated in mist and Tsume grabbed her nose. "OH GOD!" a hand came over her mouth.

"Quiet you idiot. My scented mist won't keep her at bay for long. When you were a chunin you kept gloating about a special super sonic howling technique. Can you do it now?"

Tsume nodded.

"When I tell you, say this as loud as you can at seventeen degrees south by southwest," Joya whispered. "How much time?"

"Four seconds."

"Great. That's just enough time for her to use that paddle to break my_ assbone_," Joya grunted vanishing into the mist.

Tsume began to gather chakra into her throat and vocal chords. It started to burn when she heard Joya scream. "Do it dog breath!…OH SHIT! _DILDO WHIP!"_ an explosion sounded shortly after.

Tsume howled, screaming the words Joya had told her to.

The ANBU who had been about to attack, stopped dead. "Did she just…"

"Yeah she just said something about free…"

"Ramen…?"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Inuzuka Tsume developed over fifteen techniques for her family. The Gatsuuga and Garoga are only two. There are dozens she constantly works on to help later generations and has not passed on because they are too dangerous for anyone who does not have her training to do.

The sonic technique Inumeisen (Dog Howl Strike), is but one of them. It can either be an attack or a signal for distress.

It can also be used to call in reinforcements.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Hinata grinned as she pressed the edge of her paddle against Joya's throat. "You're kinda cute Joya-san. I wonder what you would look like with some bunny ears and a nice puffy bunny tail," she held up said items. Joya did not enjoy the look of the thing that would _attach_ the bunny tail to her.

"Actually…I prefer a shark if you have it and you…" Joya's face blanched. "You…you have it…" Hinata's grin grew wider as she held up the shark tail, fin, and ball gag/false shark teeth. "I am so scared right now…" And she was. _Shitless_ to boot.

The earth began to rumble. Hinata looked up. Her eyes flashed back and forth. They shrank to the size of pinpricks, then they widened and almost returned to their normal size. "What did you do?"

"I called in the bigger predator!" the ground began to shake violently as two forms came from the dust they had kicked up. "all 25 centimeters of him!"

Naruto came to a skidding halt with Yui by his side just inside the compound walls. His head whipped back and forth while his eyes looked up and down. "WHERE'S THE ICHIRAKU ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET!"

Tsunade fell over. "_That's_ what you howled a moment ago?"

Tsume blushed. "I said that the Hyuuga were having a party and had hired out Ichiraku for the day…heh, heh…it's really Joya's idea and I think it's kind of brilliant. If Naruto doesn't pass out from blood loss from seeing Hinata with pierced nipples and an anally inserted kitty tail."

Tsunade sweat dropped, "There is that…"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Naruto looked around. His nose twitched. "That's odd, I smell no delicious odor of Ramen. All that's around here is Hinata-chan in a BDSM suit lying on top of Joya and…" Naruto blinked and turned to Yui. "What did I just say?"

"You just said that all you see is Hinata-chan in BDSM clothing while lying in a _sexy_ position on top of Joya-sensei," Yui answered.

"I doubt that I said sexy but yes. I did recall that Hinata…IS IN A BDSM SUIT?!" he screamed. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"

"Naruto!" Tsunade called running to him.

Naruto whimpered out, "Tsunade-Hinata…she's…in…with…a paddle and…ears and…" while pointing at Hinata.

"I know Naruto let me explain," she took a calming breath and made sure Hinata wasn't going to attack, "In short Hinata has gone into a combination sex craze and berserker rampage. She wants to bang you like a drum and is taking out anyone who stands in the way of keeping her from you or banging you first. She's fighting Joya because she smelled the sperm that you left inside me."

_Say it loud enough for the damn gossiping ANBU can hear why don'tcha obachan?_…Naruto grimaced. "Wait…why is your system so slow? We did it like three days ago. Not getting enough fiber Tsunade-chan?"

"MY FREQUNCY IN SHITTING IS NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW!" she bellowed. When she heard the ANBU whispering to each other her face turned red. "Naruto you're the only one who can stop her."

"Why me!"

She hit him, "didn't you listen to me! That Queen form has been spawned from her desire to be with you! _You_ made it. _You_ have to destroy it!"

"I distinctly remember _NOT_ turning Hinata into some sort of Bondage mistress!"

"You know," Joya called, "I'm completely fine pinned under the sex berserker and all. I mean being threatened to be turned into a bunny girl is totally cool. I haven't had this much fun in _ages_."

Naruto winced when he saw Hinata stand. _Today started out fine. What horrid malevolent _jackass_ of a force would condone this?! I mean…it's like my entire world has been _fucked over!_ What am I supposed to…OH GOD HERE SHE COMES!_

"Naruto…" Tsunade said putting a hand on his shoulder. He looked at her and felt a huge wave of strength, "Good luck," until she ran away.

"Naruto-sama, I'll stay behind you," Yui said.

"Thanks Yui right now I'll need all the help I can-"

"Around the other side of the wall," and thus she, too, ran away.

_I haven't been this pissed off since everyone kept asking about Sasuke during the chunin exam! First I don't get any ramen, and now Hinata is…Hinata is…_

Hinata is standing right in front of him. "Naruto-sama…"

"BUDDHA'S COFFEE SHOP!"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Hyuuga Neji stopped climbing. He looked in the direction of Konoha. _I have the feeling something that will make Hiashi-sama _very_ angry at me is about to happen…oh well it can't be anything bad…_He thought as he resumed climbing. _What could the worst be? Hinata-sama having sex with Naruto?_

Neji started to laugh.

In fact, he laughed for a very long time.

_Naruto having sex with Hinata. That's almost as funny as Hinata becoming some kind of…_dominatrix.

He laughed once more.

Until he remembered just _how_ he got into the Land of Completely Fuck Nowhere.

His smile died like a squirrel on a truck-only interstate, "SHIT!" he climbed faster, scrambling in fact, just like a monkey would.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

"Naruto-sama…"

"BUDDHA'S COFFEE SHOP!" Naruto cried jumping back three feet. Hinata took a step and fell to her knees. "Uh…are you okay Hinata?"

"Naruto-sama…" she looked up at him. Naruto's face broke out in sweat. Hinata's eyes had returned to their normal size, however, her cheeks were beet red and flushed. She was panting and holding her bare breasts up with her hands clasped. "I'm more than okay _now_," she add huskily. "Tell me what to do Naruto-sama!" she said as she flung herself forward and kissed his feet.

"HEY STOP THAT!" She did at once. Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You'll do anything I say?"

She nodded.

Naruto went squint.

"Could…could you put some clothes on?" Naruto asked.

"Is my body not desirable Naruto-sama? Is…is it ugly?" A _single_ tear fell down her cheek.

_Sweet god…_"No, no, no! you're very sexy Hinata…"

"Then why do you wish me to hide it if it is desirable to you?"

"Uh…well…it's…like a rule…I guess…"

"Naruto-sama…I only follow _your rules_. Do you want me to be not naked?"

Naruto's eye twitched, not unlike two older ninja. _Okay…Jiraya never covered this when he taught about _ethics…_wait…yes he did…_

…Back in the Day…

_You see Naruto, you must only sleep with a woman when she is of her right mind._

_What do you mean?_

_Not drunk, hypnotized, or under a genjutsu. Even if _you_ are. Do you understand?_

_Tsunade can be drunk and yelling at me but you can't? isn't that hypocritical? Why do men have to be held to a higher standard than women?_

_BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MEN GET PUSSY NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO MY WORDS OF WISDOM BRAT!_

_WORDS OF WISDOM MY WISECRACKING _ASS_ OLD MAN!_

_BRAT!_

_PERVERT!_

_RAMEN BREATH!_

_FROG FUNK!_

…Back to the present…

"Hinata. You're doing this to try and get me to have sex with you right?" he asked crouching down to meet her eye level.

She nodded.

"Well right now you're obviously whacked out and I've been taught _not_ to have sex with women unless they are in their normal mind."

"In my normal mind I wouldn't have sex with you because of my own cowardice. This is my desire taking control, while I'm a bit…disagreeable it is till me."

_Dammit…she has a point. And if this _is_ a part of Hinata it may be _even more Hinata_ than normal…I hope whoever gave me this choice gets drowned in doughnuts…_"Listen Hinata…uh…we can't have sex…"

"Why not Naruto-sama? What must I do?"

_Dammit man think!_

_I know!_ "Because we're out in public and that's exhibitionism and it's against the law!"

"But Tsunade-sama walks around with her breasts a lacey micrometer from popping out everyday! And she uses ninja jumps to get places!"

_Does she have an answer for _everything "Well it doesn't matter because no one can see all of them. HA I WIN! Go put clothes on!" Naruto said, triumphant, before pointing at her.

Suddenly Hinata's chakra level rose and she clapped her hands together. "NARUTO!" Yui and Tsunade cried as the two were engulfed in smoke. When it cleared a dark, carnival-esque tent was around them.

"Damn she comes prepared eh Muni-hime?" Joya asked.

"Yeah…I'll say…I guess the Queen _is_ also Hinata's ninja side…"

"Now Naruto-sama? Please? Let me show you how well I can do!"

"What…HEY! Not there Hinata! SHIT!"

Hinata gasped, "Naruto-sama! You _are_ the Big Fox in town."

"THAT IS _NOT_ FUNNY! Hinata…what is…_THAT?!_"

"It is a special Hyuuga family tradition…"

"GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!" Naruto tore out of the tent and ran behind Tsunade.

"Naruto…you're not doing very well for trying to stop her," Tsunade said looking at him.

"She's trying to pour _sake_ on me…" Naruto grumbled from behind the Sannin.

"Naruto-sama!" Hinata cried chasing after him. Tsunade grabbed Naruto and threw him at her. Hinata caught on the fly and huggled him before returning to her kneeling pose and taking out a rather Tsunade-sized bottle of Sake.

"I'd see why he's scared…" Joya commented.

As Hinata pulled out the cork and set the bottle down she reached for Naruto's pants.

"HOLD ON A SECOND!" Naruto screamed.

_SEN'EIJASHU_ _(Hidden Shadow Snake Hand)_

From the sky to the left and right of Hinata came eight snakes. They wrapped around her limbs and sank their fangs into her upper arms and thighs. She gasped a second before her eyelids grew heavy and she fell against Naruto, who caught her.

Anko and Kakashi landed and retracted the snakes from the now unconscious Hinata. "Their venom won't last long we need to tie her up and take her somewhere we can handle her," Anko said as she and Kakashi got to work doing just that. "Tsunade-sama we'll need a special room in the Interrogation department."

Tsunade nodded and motioned for the ANBU squad to help them. She noticed Naruto was sneaking away from both Hinata and the bottle of Sake. "NARUTO!" He jumped. "You're going with them. Yui you too."

"Why me?" Naruto sounded as if he was going to cry.

"Because you're the only one who can change her back," he whimpered at the prospect of Sake as some sort of impromptu _lubrication_. "I don't think you'll have to have sex with her Naruto…not completely anyway."

"Tsunade...do I have to? HEY TSUNADE!" Naruto whined as he followed her, Joya, and Tsume to the Interrogation HQ. "WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

In the Land of Just To The Left of the Land of Completely Fuck Nowhere…

"I'M COMING HINATA-SAMA!"

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Naruto grimaced. Hinata had been tied to a chair using Chakra absorbing ropes and she looked an odd combination of both pissed and happy. And she was, for lack of a better word, _leaking_.

"Naruto-sama…did you tie me up?" she wiggled in the chair trying to get to him. "Because the ropes are _so tight_," she did not sound as if this was either a problem or something she wanted him to rectify.

_God this is _almost_ a nightmare…_"So…I just have to…y'know _touch_ her?" he asked a huge one-way mirror on the far wall.

"_Yes_," Tsunade's voice came from a special hidden speaker, "_Just get her to orgasm and she _should_ return to normal._"

"_Should_?" Naruto squeaked.

"_Remember Naruto,_" he heard this from Joya, "_The Queen is Hinata's desire. If her desire is fulfilled the queen will sleep. Just don't touch any part of her ass when she becomes Hinata again or you'll have to do everything from the top…or bottom depending on how you look at it._"

"Why are making _jokes_ at a time like this?!" he growled.

"_Stop being a weenie and touch her dammit!_" Anko said this.

"_Why are _you_ watching?!_"

"_Because Naruto,_"

"KAKASHI?!"

"_Yo. We're watching because…well…_" there was a pause, "_I have all the other embarrassing moments of your life on Video, why not this one too?_"

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR CAMERA TOO _GOD OF ZOOM FEATURE!_" Naruto yelled.

"Naruto-sama we are wasting time and the ropes are about to break," Yui said pointing to them. Naruto gasped and glared at said ropes. They were indeed about to break. Hinata was _feeding_ chakra into them.

"_Naruto, she's breaking them by overfilling them with chakra. Do it now for God's sake…_" Anko grunted.

_Dammit. Why do I get stuck taking orders from _Nympho-sensei_ even _now?…Naruto sighed and scooted close to Hinata. He reached out his hand and winced as if about to put it in the mouth of some kind of many toothed monster.

"_Weenie, weenie, weenie,_" Anko started to chant.

"SHUT UP! _You_ want to come in here and do it?!"

"_Only if Naruto-_sama_ doesn't have the balls to _touch_ her…WEENIE!_"

"FINE DAMMIT! I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE!" Naruto roared he reached out just as Hinata broke free. She stood up, going toward him at a surprising speed and caused Naruto to trip. Naruto fell straight into Hinata's breasts.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

"Wow…good aim…" Joya commented.

You see, as Naruto fell he cried out. He opened his mouth and Hinata's forward movement caused her breast to meet his mouth in mid-trip.

To put simply, Naruto fell at just the right angle to swallow Hinata's pierced nipple whole.

Good aim _indeed_.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Hinata's face turned so red it was actually glowing. "Naruto-sama…he's…his mouth is…on my…Oh dear."

Steam exploded from Hinata's ears and filled the room. When it cleared Naruto was standing dazed over a completely normal Hinata.

"That was the weirdest moment in my life. I do not wish to repeat it, so…FIX HER AND KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME!" Naruto screamed as he charged toward, through, and out the door. Yui followed, not before bowing the mirror, and ran after her master.

"Well I better go make sure that Hinata's not completely out of chakra," Tsunade sighed as she went through the Naru-door. Joya followed her.

"I'm going to go see Kiba in the Hospital," Tsume groaned as she left. "I'm too old for this shit…"

Kakashi and Anko stood together and looked at each other and then turned around and saw the tiny blinking camera that was place so it looked between them and saw everything that happened in the other room.

"Let's go. Jiraya's going to find us sooner or later and I'd rather not be in a place built for torture when he gets here," Kakashi commented as he grabbed the camera and left.

"Sure Kaka-chan," Anko agreed following him.

**Xxxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxxX**

Kakashi and Anko were walking down Konoha's main street when a shuriken landed at their feet, right between them. The two jounin looked up and saw a certain grinning Toad Hermit.

"Yo," he said ticking off his fingers. "I heard Naruto's been busy while I was…" he grimaced, "indisposed."

"Don't play us Jiraya!" Anko said pointing at him. He took on his 'huh?' face. "I know you set the thing with Hinata up so Naruto would have sex with her!"

"Hyuuga Hinata? Damn the kid's moving faster than I thought!" Jiraya said as he held his chin.

"LISTEN TO ME DAMMIT! Naruto is _my_ responsibility now so if there's any fucking going on I want a part of it or some forewarning!" she said putting one hand on her hip, whilst still pointing.

"Actually Anko, Jiraya didn't do anything to Hinata," Kakashi said.

"What?" Anko asked, her face very much like Naruto's.

"Jiraya hasn't been doing anything to the girls around Naruto. He's not been doing anything actually. Believe me. _I've_ been scheming more than he has," Kakashi explained as he leapt up to the rooftop to sit with Jiraya. Anko quickly followed. "Where have you been anyway?"

Jiraya grimaced, "A name…Inuzuka Tsume. I tried to put some extra alcoholic beer into the normal cans, but she…_detained _me."

"By detained…you mean?"

"_Secret Inuzuka clan sex maneuvers…_" Jiraya whispered. "don't tell anyone else, but I've been trying to get my chakra back for the last day and a half. She drained me dry. In more ways than one."

"You don't have luck with older women do you?" Kakashi asked.

He flapped his hand in a dismissive gesture, "Why do you think I only go after twenty-year-olds? They barely know what to do with their own hands. Women like Tsume and Joya are closer to sex-demi-gods than women. I'm shamed by how well they beat me."

Kakashi resisted the urge to make a scathing comment, Anko was bound by no such restriction, but she just laughed. "Okay…" she said after fifteen minutes and some deep breathing, "So what _have_ you been planning? Fill me in I'm sure I could help being Naruto's commander and all," she said grinning.

"I don't know…this is a _man's_ scheme," Jiraya said.

Anko grunted, her forehead displaying a rather _large_ vein. "Let's see how much of a _man_ you are Jiraya!" she growled as she punched the palm of her hand.

Jiraya winced and looked for Kakashi. "Help me!" he grunted. Kakashi melted into a Mizu Bunshin (Water Clone) _TRAITOROUS DOG!_

"Where did I keep that lube?"

_NO! NOT THE LUBE!_

* * *

A/N: My personal Homage to _Never Cut Twice_ my favorite Naruto Nuke-Nin fiction. also my fav NaruxTema story on here. It's one of my favorites number 45 when you click on _CATEGORY_ and number 47 when you just click _FAVORITES._


	16. The Queen in Miss Hyuuga

A/N: Wow. My two most popular stories in the same day. you all must love me a little right now. Well except the one guy who said he'd never read another thing I wrote because I have Hinata and Kiba in love in this.

I'm surprised my tact for zaniness hasn't tipped anyone off to the fact no _real_ relationship will stay together that easily. As usual I have clearly marked where the smut begins and it basically takes the rest of the chapter. So if you don't like Naruto threeways just ignore the second half of this fifteen page 8500+ word monster.

As usual enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 16**

**The Queen in **

**Miss Hyuuga  
**

Naruto ran.

He ran as fast as he could, as long as he could. He actually ran into his house, up the stairs, and into his bedroom before flinging himself into his closet. Yui, who was following, was impressed at her master's speed and accuracy, especially when he dashed at the table where the food had been and grabbed Ko-chan without stopping once.

When Yui looked into the closet she saw Naruto sitting in the corner holding Ko-chan as if it his only lifeline. "Naruto-sama…are you okay?"

Naruto shuddered. "I've been better."

"Why are you so distressed? You sucked on Tsunade-sama's nipples. And then it was an actual suck, not just putting it in your mouth," Yui described in only the disturbing amount of detail she can describe things in.

Naruto's eye twitched. "I know…but she…she was just so _scary_. It was like going against Itachi…with tits…" _Oh Buddha. There's a _bad_ image there…_

"I did not find Hinata-san that frightening." Jiraya had told her of the events concerning Akatsuki. Both she and Joya had rudimentary knowledge of them because Yai had feared they would go for Yui. Thankfully, Kisame's loyalty to Yai was stronger than his loyalty to any other feudal lord, or even his leader at Akatsuki.

That and the fact Yai was Kisame's swords teacher and she was downright scary when she wanted to be.

"Well…I guess you're right. It was just so…" Naruto took a few moments to think of a good, strong, intelligent word.

He failed.

"…Fucked up. I guess it was just too much to see Hinata like that," he said standing, still hugging Ko-chan as he did it. He subtly handed it back to her and Yui took the doll, hugging it herself. "Well I'm just glad it's over," Naruto sighed leaving his closet, then his bedroom. "Let's get some ramen and put this behind us," Naruto said motioning for Yui to follow him.

He walked downstairs and went to the kitchen before stopping. Yui, who was examining Ko-chan for any damage from the toss two nights before ran into him and nearly fell back, "Naruto-sama?"

"Yo," three voices said at once.

Naruto's face went blank. He growled and clenched his fists, which shook at his side. "_Why are _you_ here_?!" he hissed.

Jiraya slurped his noodles and pointed at himself. He then looked at Kakashi.

Kakashi finished his soup and pointed to _him_self. He then looked at Anko.

Anko blinked and finished her rice. "What?" she forgot that when sitting on a kitchen counter, her panties were very visible. Jiraya and Kakashi leaned back and examined what Naruto and Yui had already seen: a pair of white cotton undies with a chubby little smiling snake. "WHY IS EVERYONE FREAKED OUT BY UNDERWEAR!" she screamed flailing her arms and showering Jiraya with rice, as he was on that side of her.

"We'll talk about that later," Jiraya grunted before hopping off the island in Naruto's kitchen and put his bowl of noodles down. "Naruto."

"_What?! _What have you brought to screw up my life _this time?!_" Naruto bellowed.

"Tsunade needs you," Kakashi answered.

"Then why did all _three_ of you break in to my apartment to tell me that?" Naruto grunted.

Jiraya, "I was told to come here by Tsunade."

Kakashi, "I was following him because I was bored and didn't have anything to do."

Anko, "I wanted free food. Why don't you have any dango Naru-chan?"

Naruto decided not to answer. "Where is she?" he said in a defeated tone.

"She's at the Hospital. She tried to explain to Hinata what happened but the girl didn't believe her. Apparently after seeing Kiba she changed her mind."

Naruto's head lifted and he blinked, "What happened to Kiba?"

**XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX**

"OH MY GOD! KIBA!" Naruto cried when he saw his friend. Kiba had yet to heal, as there were only a few hours difference from when Tsunade first examined him. Naruto fell to his knees at his side and took the dog-boy's hand. "Kiba! Talk to me!" he yelled.

"Naruto-kun please do not scream in this room. The SER takes pride in being the most quiet room in the hospital," Akabane explained.

"Oh…sorry…" Naruto stood up and looked at Kiba, who was awake, but his eyes were so tightly shut from swelling it was hard to tell. Tsume was on his other side looking from her son to Naruto. Said fox-boy didn't notice her eyes shifted from his face to his crotch at regular intervals.

"Hin…Hinata?" Kiba asked, with a strained voice.

"Naruto was able to change her back. Tsunade's with her trying to figure out how to return her to normal for good," Tsume answered.

Kiba nodded. "N…Naruto. You…only you can help her," he growled. "Promise me…promise me you'll help her."

"Are you sure Kiba. Tsunade said that only…"

Kiba stopped her with a rough bark, "Will you help her Naruto?"

The blonde grinned, "Are you kidding?" he asked giving a thumbs up. "No matter what it is, I'll do it to help Hinata for you Kiba!"

Kiba smiled weakly, "Thanks Foxy."

"No problem Dog-Breath." _Why do I feel like I just signed my death warrant?_

The intercom clicked on in a soft, and somewhat comforting female voice, "_Would Uzumaki Naruto and Noumaki Yui please report to Tsunade-Sama's office please? Again, Uzumaki Naruto and Noumaki Yui to Tsunade-sama's office._"

Naruto and Yui looked at each other before nodding. Naruto clapped Kiba on the shoulder and Yui gave him a chaste kiss on one of his face tattoos before they left.

Tsume was quiet for a small moment, "You know…you just gave Naruto the all clear to go into parts unexplored."

"Yeah I know."

"You're a bitch my son…a big one…"

"Mom…_shut up_."

**XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX**

Naruto and Yui entered Tsunade's hospital office to find Joya, Tsunade, and a _very_ embarrassed Hinata sitting. When Hinata saw Naruto she made a low moaning sound and hid her face in her hands. "Hey Hinata. It's okay…" he went to pat her on the back. He checked with Joya who nodded. After two pats he rubbed her and she hugged him.

"Please forgive me Naruto-kun! Please!" she was crying so hard he actually felt her tears stream out of her eyes.

Naruto, who had been scared witless by this girl only twenty minutes before, hugged her tightly and tried to console her.

When Hinata's fit was over she sat down and wiped her eyes with a handkerchief she had while Joya tried explained to Naruto why Hinata changed (1) and to Hinata what she had done.

"Is…is Hanabi-chan okay?" she asked, still tearing up.

"Yes, all that happened was a cavity she had acted up after you put the ball gag in her mouth," Joya explained causing a new fit of hysterics from the shy girl. Tsunade hit her. "_OW!_ She asked!" the oldest kunoichi in the room whined.

"Anyway we're trying to figure out how to get rid of this damn Queen form once and for all," Tsunade explained.

"And?" Naruto asked.

"Well we've found out that when Hinata's aroused by certain things," Hinata tried to roll into a ball when Joya said that, "she transforms much like some ninja when they use certain summoning techniques. The 'Queen' form is sustained with chakra."

Naruto blinked, "So? How does knowing that help us?"

"Did you know that when you orgasm you released pent up chakra?" Joya asked. Yui, Naruto, and Hinata shook their heads in the exact same way. Except Hinata was still in a ball and had fallen on her side. "When you…" Joya looked at the fetal girl on the floor, "stopped the queen remember when steam shot out of her ears?" Naruto and Yui nodded, "That was a type of chakra release. The members of the Hyuuga family have large chakra reserves built from their intense stamina. So when Hinata orgasms…" she trailed off.

"The queen runs out of Chakra and she can't stay active! Like when Ero-Sannin used that seal on me when I went into a tailed state!" Naruto said.

Tsunade moved her eyes to Hinata, who didn't know about the fox, but the girl was too depressed to notice. "Basically."

"Okay so how does that help us get rid of her?"

"That only tells us how to put her to sleep. To get rid of her we must fulfill Hinata's desires," Hinata rolled up further, "So…Hinata. What gets you off?" Joya asked the girl, leaning over her. Hinata mumbled something.

"Hinata this is not the time to be embarrassed. If you don't tell us then we won't know how to help you. While you are like this you cannot go on missions. And if you continue to stay as the Queen for longer amounts of time we can't accurately say you'll always change back. And if you do _not_ change back you'll have to be put under complete surveillance."

"But if that happens we'll just give you to Naruto, at least you'll be kept in check like that," Joya joked. Naruto sputtered. Yui actually seemed to think about it.

_We would have to get a larger bed…and more condoms…_

Hinata moaned as if this were a nightmare that had spawned from her subconscious to mock her. "Do-do I have to?" she asked from under her legs and hair.

"If you want to continue being _you_? Yes," Tsunade stated flatly.

Hinata sat up slowly and looked at Naruto with pleading eyes. "Only…only if Naruto-kun will help me."

Naruto sighed, "I promised Kiba I would. And if I hadn't promised Dog-breath I would anyway…" he said giving her a 'nice Guy Pose' that Lee and Gai would have cried over. They would have cried over what he said as well.

This is Lee and Gai we're talking about here. I'm sure they would've cried at this entire situation…

"So," Yui said smiling at her master's acceptance of the plan, "what are we going to do?"

Joya and Tsunade grinned, "Naruto, Yui, and Hinata will go to a specially sealed location and Naruto will wake up the queen. And then satisfy her completely."

Naruto gulped. He did not like this turn of events. "Wait. Why is Yui going?"

"As if I'd miss this."

**XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX**

Maito Gai stretched and yawned. He looked both at the sun, then his pocket watch. He checked the time with Konoha's radio system. "Where are my students? Today was a team training day!" he said. "Lee has been training on his own frequently, but he never misses a team training day. And it also unlike Neji to miss days like this. Tenten-chan is not here either. Have my students all forgotten?"

Gai let his emotions shift from disappointment, to thought, and finally to enthusiasm, "WELL IF MY STUDENTS ARE NOT HERE THEN I SHALL JUST-"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

A torpedo like shape suddenly hit the ground a few feet from Gai and caused him to flinch. "LEE?! Is that you?" he asked. The same torpedo took off into the sky, zipped around for a few seconds then landed next to him.

Indeed, it was Lee.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

The two embraced. When they let go Gai punched Lee _dead_ in the face.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Not only did you miss Naruto-kun's party but you also were late for _three_," he emphasized this by forcing three fingers out of his fist dramatically, "training sessions!"

"I am sorry Gai-sensei! But I had to!"

"What would cause such unyouthful behavior?"

"Neji-kun!" Gai looked at Lee as if he was mad. _As if_ he was mad. "I saw him flying one night! And I realized to prove myself as a purely Taijutsu ninja I would have to defeat him in all things," Lee's eyes had become flames and his fist was shaking, "AND SO I WENT TO MASTER FLIGHT!"

Gai was silent. He punched Lee again. Lee's large round eyes teared up, but Gai flew to his knee and put a hand on his student's shoulder. "Lee. When smoking weed you must always remember not to drink the bong wa-"

Before Gai could finish his warning about bongs and the water within them Lee shot into the air, zipped three feet to the left of his current position, and landed.

_Did _I_ drink the bong water last night? I don't remember doing it…_Gai thought rubbing his chin.

"As I said Gai-sensei! I mastered the ability to fly!"

Gai's face became slack and he demanded Lee demonstrate it once more. Lee did as he was bid and zipped into four different directions before falling, and falling hard, into ground. Gai ran to him and picked his student up as he had done when Lee was still just a genin.

"I can only do four direction changes in one time and can only for five minutes in a day, but it is enough!" Lee said excitedly.

Gai's face suddenly grew determined. "LEE! MY STUDENT!"

"YES GAI-SENSEI!"

"IT IS TIME FOR _YOU_ TO BE THE MASTER!" he pointed at Lee both such force and exuberance it actually made Lee fall back. "WE SHALL TRAIN AND YOU SHALL TEACH _ME_ HOW TO FLY!"

"Truly Gai-sensei?" Lee asked in a small and frightened voice.

Gai fell to one knee once more, "Yes Lee. The time has come for you to believe in the skill you have learned yourself." And then, even softer, "Will you teach me…_Lee_-sensei?"

Lee's face brightened. "YES! COME GAI! WE SHALL FLY TOGETHER!"

"AT YOUR COMMAND LEE-SENSEI!"

And the both of them charged out of Konoha.

**XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX**

**AND THUS THE LEMON BEGINS!**

"I'm gonna have sex with the scariest thing I've ever had to fight," Naruto whispered. He was sitting in Tsunade's bedroom. The reason was because no matter what happened; _no one_ would look there to find Naruto having sex with Hyuuga Hinata.

"Tsunade-bachan and Joya-bachan were having sex on _this bed_ less than eight hours ago…this is not right on a Gamabunta sized level…"

Yui, who was examining the pillows, perked up, "Naruto-sama you're overreacting. It can't be _that_ bad."

"DOMINATRIX QUEEN?! HELLO?!" he bellowed in her ear. Yui winced.

"Doesn't she want to be _submissive_ to you Naruto-sama?"

"That is _beside the point_. Hinata has always been the shy unassuming and generally quiet girl…to go from that to…"

Naruto pictured Hinata in her 'Queen' form.

"_THAT_…" he shuddered and rubbed his arms.

The two blondes were silent for a few moments. "WHERE THE HELL IS SHE ANYWAY?!" Naruto finally bellowed.

"Tsunade-sama wanted to make sure the home was protected by a chakra blocking barrier. That way none of the ninja in Konoha who don't know about this will sense Hinata-san's large amount of chakra. We must also take into account Hinata may be a virgin."

"I was thinking about that…I don't want _this_ crazy ass thing to be Hinata's first time y'know?"

"I was referring to the fact if she _is_ a virgin you may required to marry her if you take her chastity."

Naruto started, "M-m-marry?!...as in…_Hiashi_ as my father-in-law?"

_Naruto…good to see you again _son_...How is life? Is it going well? Do you want to commit _suicide_? Have you had any _hazardous_ missions lately? No? Well that's _too good_ to be true. Would you like to have some pois-I mean seasoned tea?_

The young blonde shook so badly his teeth started to chatter. "That's _way_ scarier…"

There came a knock at the door and Tsunade entered. She nodded to the two blondes and stood in front of the opening with her arms crossed. "Okay. The barrier is in place. No one outside of Joya and myself will be able to sense what is going on in this house. We'll await your message. Anything in the house in available to you, including the sake."

"But we're all under-"

"SILENCE PLAYBOY!" Tsunade trumpeted, "Remember you have to satisfy the desires Hinata has for you. Even if that includes taking her virginity. I doubt it does based on how she feels about Kiba…but…"

"If…if I take it will I have to marry her?"

Tsunade thought for a few seconds, each one adding to the image of Hiashi about to Hakke him into oblivion, "No. I doubt the founding members of the Hyuuga clan foresaw _this_ happening," she added, '_no matter how voyeuristic they were_' under her breath.

Naruto sighed in relief, "That's good."

Tsunade turned her head and called into the hallway, "He's ready Hinata!"

"WHAT? NOW?!"

"Naruto I've already explained to you that if she keeps turning into the queen there may come a time when she doesn't change back. And we cannot have that. No matter how erotically amusing it would be."

Naruto whimpered.

Tsunade moved from the doorway and Hinata appeared. Her cheeks were crimson and she had her head down. Naruto noticed she was wearing her coat and longer than average pants as if trying to hide in her clothes. She had probably heard what he had said.

"Hinata-chan," he called softly.

The Hyuuga heiress raised her head slowly, not wanting to really look at Naruto. She did so anyway and saw him smiling, his _real_ smile, the one shad had admired as a girl.

"It's going to be okay. I'll do what I can to help you." He stood up from the bed and called her to him. She stepped hesitantly, but soon she was in the room and in his arms. Hinata's crush had ebbed over time but that did not mean she didn't not enjoy being held and imbued with a feeling of safety from-

_**SWAK!!**_

Hinata jumped to her tip toes with a small 'eep.'

Naruto had forgotten about Tsunade.

_**SLAM! CLICK!**_

Who had just closed and locked her bedroom door.

From the outside.

And none of his masters had ever taught Naruto how to pick a lock. "Goddamn old bag…I'm gonna get her for-"

Naruto didn't have time to finish his threat before he was knocked backward. Yui caught him on the bed and the two blondes watched as the once calm and quiet lavender haired beauty before them was engulfed in streaming chakra. The smoke cleared and Hinata stood in front of Yui and Naruto. The demon container and demon offspring gulped when they saw her.

Before Hinata had worn black or dark blue leather to match her hair. Now it was a deep orange vinyl. The outfit she had worn while assaulting her clan's home had not changed much besides that. The kunai she was using for heels were now engraved with kanji for 'Shippu' hurricane. On her belly, following the outer lines of her pelvic bone on both sides, was a set of three burning swirl tattoos.

Hinata's face was calm and blushing. She was again looking at the ground, but this time in respectful prose. Her hair was tied by orange and red ribbons into a long braid that ended just above the curve of her buttocks. Although her breasts were exposed the piercings of her nipples had changed to golden rings that were attached to leather strips, blue to offset the orange, to a collar with soft studs in it. Dangling from the collar was a tag in the shape of a chibi Naruto head.

"Naruto-sama," she said softly. "I am prepared…" she lowered herself to her knees and bowed. Naruto tried not to follow the swaying movements of her breasts. "To do whatever you request of me."

Naruto looked at Yui who returned his stare, _"I really don't feel like doing this…"_

"_You must Naruto-sama. You promised both her _and_ Kiba-san. I'll help you, Naruto-sama._"

"_Wonderful. I'm really glad you're willing to _molest_ the mentally fucked up uber-ninja._"

Naruto took a deep breath and stood up. "Hinata." Naruto's voice was stern and strong. Hinata raised her head to look at him. "Have you ever fantasized about me?"

Hinata blushed violently. "Yes Naruto-sama."

"What did you picture me doing? It's fine, you can tell me," he said in a kinder voice.

She flushed again and lowered her eyes.

Naruto frowned and barked at her, "Hinata!" Her head snapped up. "I asked you a question."

She nibbled on her lip, but stopped immediately. "I…I wanted you…"

"You can tell me Hinata," he crouched down on one knee and smiled.

"To touch my breasts," she sighed, a heaving breath followed as if she had just lifted and then set down a giant boulder.

Naruto reached under her and took her left breast into his hand. Hinata gasped. Her body shook for a few seconds before she moaned and arched her back, twisting herself so both of her mounds were exposed to him. Naruto lifted and tested her breast's malleability. Hinata started to breathe heavily.

Yui blinked surprised. _When Naruto-sama decides to do something…he _does_ it…_

"Anything else Hinata? Or is this good enough?"

Hinata heaved several breaths. Naruto took her other teat in hand and massaged both. "No…" she moaned. "My butt."

"What about it?" Naruto asked, grinning slightly. Hinata shook at the sight of his fangs.

"Please hit it! Hit it! Touch it! Kiss it!" she cried. Tears formed at the corners of her eyes and Naruto grinned even wider.

"Hit it? Like this," Naruto's hand flew from her breast and slapped Hinata's cheek. Her eyes widened and she moaned. She pressed her body against Naruto and kissed his cheek and his neck. "Alright that's enough." He pushed her back and she immediately subdued herself. Naruto stroked Hinata's face and stood, walking around to view her from behind.

His eyebrows rose into his hairline as he noticed what was on the cheek he hit. The swirls from her belly twisted around and converged on her left cheek to produce a flame, that was centered around the kanji for 'Uzumaki.'

_I can_not_ believe I'm about to do this…_Naruto sighed deeply…he put his foot against Hinata's butt and pressed her forward so she was bent over. As with her previous Queen form she had no panties, but she had also lost the anal plug cat tail and matching ears. Hinata waggled her rear and began to moan softly. The words were mostly confined to 'please,' 'don't tease Hina-chan,' and 'Naruto-sama…' drawing out the last syllable of 'sama' every time she said it.

Naruto rubbed his eyes with his palm and grunted. "Everything okay Naruto-sama?" Yui asked.

"J-just gimmie a minute okay?" Naruto shook his head once and crouched down behind Hinata. She peaked back at him, her face now much redder than before. Naruto popped his hand against her opposite cheek and she made a small 'meep' sound. "Must be really sensitive eh Hina-chan?" he asked as he did it again.

"Y-yes Naruto-sama," she sighed.

Naruto, grinning, ran his finger tips along the plump curve of Hinata's ass. "You're almost ticklish!"

Hinata nodded and sighed. When Naruto's fingers slid along her lips she gasped. He opened her by pushing his index finger into her moist tunnel. Hinata began to heave dry hot breaths as Naruto tested her depths. Yui couldn't help but mimic Naruto's grin as she watched Naruto spread Hinata's cheeks with his other hand.

Hinata's rear had stopped swaying, but not completely. As Naruto fingered her she wiggled, trying to push herself harder onto him and at the same time pull away enough to stop her involuntary gyrating. All the while Yui was watching the subtle and delicious movements of her breasts. The half demon was letting out soft purring sounds as she watched her master work. Naruto eyed her.

As Hinata looked back at him Naruto's face changed to the calm and controlled one he had on at the beginning of the exercise. With such subtlety that not even the Byakugan wielder could notice, he stood taking a deep breath of air.

"Get on the bed Hinata-chan, and sit as you are now," he ordered.

As soon as Hinata did as she was commanded Yui grabbed her shoulders and drew her into a sumptuous kiss. Hinata squeaked as she felt the Youma's tongue slip into her mouth. Yui moaned as she felt Hinata melt into her. The older of the two women drew the younger into an embrace and dragged her down so she was on her back.

Yui withdrew and looked back at Naruto. A thick trickle of blood rolled down his lips from his nose. "What?" Yui asked.

"Nothing…nothing at all," Naruto said softly as he continued to watch, his left eyebrow continuing to twitch up and down.

Hinata couldn't help but sigh as Yui returned to the kiss. The Hyuuga heir felt the heat that had grown between her legs blossom into an entire garden of fire. She began to rub her thighs together strongly before she felt something warm, wet, and soft slide along her ankle. A sharp intake of Yui's slightly ramen-y breath made Hinata flutter. The Youma grinned and slipped her hand between Hinata's gyrating thighs. Her nails were just sharp enough to cause Hinata to feel like she was being tickled.

"Wow…way to go Yui-chan she's so wet that it's overflowing."

Hinata mumbled into Yui's mouth, apparently torn between stopping the kiss and being understood. Yui broke the kiss and looked at her, nuzzling her striped cheek against Hinata's flushed one, "What did you say Hinata-san?"

"I'm embarrassed," she finally spoke after a few moments of haziness.

Naruto and Yui both gave her comforting, if not slightly vulpine, grins. "It's so pretty here you shouldn't be embarrassed at all Hinata," Naruto said as he slipped on hand finger along her labia, around the curve of her buttock, and to her anus again. "Well," he stood up straight and rubbed the back of his head. "We're going to have anal sex Hinata."

The transformed heiress gasped. "A-anal?" A visible shudder ran through her.

"It's because I don't feel that confidant about taking your virginity, no matter how you feel about me. This way I can give you an orgasm for sure with Yui-chan's help. So if you're willing…"

She hastily sat on her knees and nodded, "Yes Naruto-sama! Of course! Anything for you!" she said as she bowed.

"So Yui-chan…do you have any lube?" Naruto asked. _I just asked a girl who looks like me if she has lube so I can ass-plug the split personality of a friend…what the hell happened to my life?_

"You do not need artificial lubrication Naruto-sama," Hinata said suddenly.

"What?" he asked.

Without a word Hinata let her body fall backward and laid on her back. She lifted her legs until her knees were by her head. After a few moments her arms reach around her now widely stretched posterior and pushed up to her face. Taking a small amount of time to sniff her own scent she proceeded to lap at her own anus.

_Hyuuga flexibility…_Naruto and Yui thought at the same time. The two demon-connected blondes both wiped some blood from their noses as Hinata began to lick herself with renewed fervor. Her coat of saliva caught the light and made the tight pink hole glisten.

Yui looked down at her own lower half and wondered if she was able to do the same thing. _The reaction Naruto-sama is getting from this display of skill is enough for me to learn how to it…_she rationalized.

Naruto's train of thought was slightly different than that of his retainer. _Damn that's sexy. She has a body like Tsunade-bachan's but is _way_ more flexible! I can't believe I'm watching her…damn she just dipped her tongue into her pussy…I…didn't think it was possible. Was her tongue always that long?_

Hinata finally finished her excruciatingly slow lubrication process, leaving both blondes drooling slightly.

Naruto and Yui both made a move to hold or touch Hinata, both stopped dead and looked at the other. "Uh…whatcha doin' Yui-chan?" Naruto asked grinning.

"I could ask the same Naruto-sama…" she said, her smile equally wide.

"Well _I_ am the only one meant to do the job here."

"Ah yes…but _I_ am going to congratulate Hinata-san on being open with her emotions."

A bolt of lightning went from one pair of ocean blue eyes to the other.

"Okay…give me one good reason why the only one with a penis here should relent," Naruto said, taking on a much more serious air than normal.

"Because the only sexual experience said man has under his belt has been with a _fifty-year old_ female who was incapable of controlling her urges."

"Oh that's low."

"It's only proper. Hinata-san is royalty in this village is she not?" Yui's eyes flashed violet. Naruto narrowed his. That had to be the first time he'd seen any evidence of demonic power.

It excited him despite what was happening.

Then, before Hinata could read anything but anger on their faces, they we in each others' arms. Their lips crashed together so hard Hinata was sure that both had hit their front teeth together. She watched, as enthralled as they had been moments earlier, as two tongues danced.

They fell over and continued their snogging. Hinata wished strongly to glance over and look, but she herself was still within the bounds of her subservience to Naruto, and she would _not_ move from the position that had placed her in.

Then, with a vigor she remembered only from the days of her youth Naruto stood, letting out a whoop of joy. "VICTORY!"

"NOT FAIR!" Yui cried from the floor. "You used my whiskers!" she whined.

"A ninja must use their environment as well as their mind to win battles Yui-chan! Even battles based on making out!" he said as he hefted her panties into the air. He himself was missing both his shirt and his pants were unbuckled.

Hinata was both aghast and aroused by the display. _They fought to see who could get the underwear of the other off first to see who would be _my_ first…oh dear…_

"So are you ready to admit that I'm awesome incarnate now?" he asked throwing out his partially revealed pelvis.

"Yes…" Yui sighed, more at having to wait while Naruto did what they had come here to do.

Naruto dropped his prize, which both Yui and Hinata watched flutter to the ground, before stripping himself bare. As he stood from removing his own under garments Hinata could not stop herself from gasping. Her current form was merely a manifestation of desire, and so unlike Inner Sakura, had no _real_ understanding of what was going on around her beyond what was in Hinata's head. So she had no memory. As such, seeing Naruto's package for all it was, in full form, was a bit overwhelming for the poor submissive.

_I cannot believe I'm about to butt plug Hinata…it's like some sort of really weird sex fantasy that's not mine is coming true._ Naruto sighed and looked at Hinata. "Hinata…are you ready for this?" Naruto said.

As he said it Yui smacked his ass to make him thrust forward. He glared at the girl and she merely looked away innocently.

Hinata, in one of the odder reactions he had seen from her, in essence a combination of Hinata's honest affection and the Queen's rampant lust, nodded and turned her body so she was lying flat (well as flat as two double D breasts can let a girl lay) and kissed Naruto's head lovingly.

Yui made this annoying '_aaaaaaaaawww_' noise which made Naruto groan. He wiped his face and was about to reprimand her when he realized, Hinata had yet to remove her mouth. The gentle sounds he heard and the sensations he felt told his mind what his eyes had yet to confirm, Hinata was gently, and sweetly licking and toying with the head of his penis.

He grinned with a demonic edge to it and allowed her to continue for a few seconds before he prodded her to stop. Hinata looked up at him and blushed before moving so she was bent over the bed. Yui looked in amazement at Hinata's rump. As with her breasts it was bigger than it appeared to be in her coat. The, in Yui's opinion, damnable thing hid the fullness and genuinely succulent shape of the girl's body.

_It's almost as round as Tsunade-sama's. No wonder Naruto-sama is responding so well to her. She's just like her but without blonde hair…maybe I should have called Hinata that one time…oh well_…the Youma mused as he master rubbed the orbs of flesh.

Hinata mewled and wiggled under his ministrations, eager for the job to be worked on. Yui took a little initiative and took a firm hold of both cheeks and spread them. Naruto looked at her with a raised eyebrow and she grinned. He shrugged and took a small moment to glance at what he was about to do. Hinata's privates were still slightly damp from her earlier work, in fact the intended target was still very sloppy. Naruto also noted, with a deep rumble of lust, her anus was a light fleshy pink.

Before Hinata could ask what he was going to do Naruto thrust in. The sudden entrance caused Hinata to arch her back and let loose a wild howl. It was incredible to her. Not only was the feeling erotic but it was as if her entire being had been waiting for this moment, to be complete as it were. Electric shocks flowed through her body with the speed of a raging torrent.

They moved so fast and were powerful Hinata thought she would have a heart attack and die.

There was pain, of course, but it was so well mixed into what Hinata understood to be 'pleasure' that she didn't care. And as she continued to roar, letting all who could hear that she was becoming one with the only man she had wanted physically in her life, she felt something inside of her _click_.

She fell flat and Naruto and Yui both feared she had been changed back. Then fear came from raging hormones and the act of continuing with an unconscious girl would tantamount to rape in the eyes of both blondes. Slowly Hinata moved, pushing herself up with her hands. She hunkered, her legs slack, the mere fact Naruto had moved to hold her keeping her from sliding and forcing him to floor.

At once Naruto and Yui felt the change in the girl as she turned to look at them. The general shyness and closeness she kept with herself was gone, almost completely. Though her face held the blush of her younger years it could be at the expense of her current position.

"Naruto," she whispered.

"Uh yeah Hinata-chan?"

"I don't think I'm the Queen anymore," she said equally as soft.

Naruto blinked, "Oh…so do you want me to-"

"Fuck me."

"What?"

"I'm more aroused now than any other point I can recall in my life. You are already inside me. There will be no discussion. If you do anything less than help me enjoy your body and enjoy mine I'll make sure you remember never to leave a lady waiting."

Naruto smiled. After a moment it was a full blown grin. He took Hinata's chin in his hands and kissed her deeply, forcing his tongue roughly into her mouth. He tasted not only the slight wisps of Yui's breath but also the scant traces of herself on her tongue. Without warning her, he pulled out, just enough to pull on her tight opening and then pushed deeper into her.

She gasped into his mouth and he let her go. He lifted his body back up and took hold of her body just above her hips. The firm yet soft skin made him unleash his own soft roar of approval before he began to thrust earnestly. Yui was watching from the floor, somewhat interested and bored. She was very happy her master and the girl that cared so deeply for him were able to have such an open, and vigorous, sexual escapade.

But, as you all must remember, Yui is a demoness, half Kitsune as it were. And she would be _damned_ if she did not live up to the merit of her father's people.

Hopping onto the bed Yui stalked around Hinata looking at the heiress as she was soundly humped by Naruto. Hinata herself was so entranced by the rhythm of the sex she didn't even notice Yui was sitting in front of her until the musky scent of Yui's pubis was swimming around her head.

The demon girl sat down and spread her legs before scooting forward so she was just close enough to Hinata to tempt her with the smell. The Hyuuga princess understood at once Yui was baiting her, but it just smelled so _good_. Hinata had once thought the scent of sweat was a disgusting and demeaning thing, especially considering her clan pushed cleanliness to an excruciating degree. But what her nose was telling her about Yui's pussy was the exact opposite of disgusting or gross. She pulled herself forward a fraction and began to gently lap at Yui's folds, the demon girl licking her lips as she watched.

Yui scooted her butt backwards just enough so Hinata's outstretched tongue failed to reach her. Yui purred and began to stroke herself. Hinata moaned, especially when Naruto reached around and took hold of her big left tit, messaging it so the pierced nipple was pulled by the leather strap it was connected to.

Realizing her own form of abuse would be a bit too mean for the Hyuuga girl Yui allowed Hinata to fulfill what her eyes begged to do. As the girl's sex came into range Hinata extended her tongue and lapped gently at the soft moist lips. Yui purred as she angled her hand and spread herself, as Hinata's hands were busy keeping her from being bowled forward by Naruto's powerful thrusts.

Hinata's head was swimming. Her face was not only deeply red from all the blood but also coated with a strong layer of Yui's pheromones. The demonically charged sex funk was making Hinata's obvious level of arousal sky rocket. He let out a long serious of moans and grunts as she buried herself in Yui's pussy.

"Flip her over," Yui whispered to her master.

Naruto let out a rough grunt when he did as she suggested, inadvertently causing both himself and Hinata to nearly orgasm. Naruto spread Hinata's legs so they wrapped around his waist. Almost immediately Hinata locked her ankles behind the small of his back and pulled him deeper into her.

Yui who had been watching with a passing interest now arranged herself as she wished. She hovered over Hinata's head before pushing her to lay back. Yui's plump rear settled on Hinata's face. Yui waited until Hinata when to work before she began to play with the girl's huge pale breasts giggling to herself whenever the workings of Hinata's tongue stopped because of a sharp intake of breath.

As a testament to Yui's flexibility she leaned forward and began to give the same treatment to Hinata, while still messaging her breasts. Yui knew in time her arms would get numb but at the moment she didn't care. Yui, much like Joya, just enjoyed playing with big boobs too much to consider some things like blood flow.

Hinata, despite the fact Yui was involved (not that Hinata was really complaining), was in heaven. She felt her body begin build up pressure in her abdomen. Yui who had been doing this sort of thing for years felt the tell-tale signs of Hinata's coming release. Grinning in a very vulpine way she looked up at Naruto and caught his eye.

The two blondes exchanged a silent series of words before Yui rolled off of Hinata and slipped off the bed. She grabbed Hinata's ankles and pulled them apart before sliding around to Naruto's front. She flipped one leg over his rod and took a position as if she herself was going to start fucking Hinata. The poor lavender haired heiress didn't know what was going on until she saw Yui make several hand signs.

Yui's small patch of finely groomed fur started to uncurl until each shaft of hair was as straight and stiff as a broom needle. Yui then proceeded to grind against Hinata causing the younger woman to cry out. The feeling of a large and prickly, but ultimately soft brush rubbing against her clitoris caused Hinata to try and scrunch herself into a ball.

Naruto grabbed her ankles while Yui took care of her arms.

The stimulation and lack of control made Hinata's eyes roll into the back of her head as she felt it come.

With a scream that would have alerted every living soul in Konoha to their antics Hinata released her orgasm. Shuddered. And promptly passed out.

Naruto sighed as he too finished off. The sudden tightening of Hinata's anus had nearly made it impossible to cum, but he managed and pulled out of her. Yui gave a small wiggle of her hips to cause Hinata a few good dreams before releasing her technique.

Naruto watching raised an eyebrow, "Where'd you learn that?"

Yui grinned, "Jiraya-sama taught me his Needle Jizou. I just though this method would be more effective."

"So you'd rather learn to adapt a technique for sex than actual combat?" Naruto asked. She only smiled wider. "Well I'm gonna," Yui grabbed his arm. "What is it Yui-chan?"

She licked her lips and pushed her body against his. "My turn."

**XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX**

Tsunade and Joya sat on the lawn of the Hokage's Private home in a pair of fold out chairs. Tsunade was using a pair of Opera glasses to view the action while Joya was using a telescope. "That's my girl!" the older of the two cried when Yui jumped Naruto.

"My god Joya! The girl humps harder than a hyper active poodle!" Tsunade said, aghast at how quickly Yui had dominated her 'master.' "The girl seems to have out done the man…Wait! Oh my!"

Joya whistled and adjusted the magnification on her telescope. "Ooh! Good one Foxy-chan! HAH! Look at Yui! Her toes are curling!" Joya looked at Tsunade and grabbed her lover's attention. "We have got to remember that."

"Agreed," Tsunade said as she leaned forward. "What is Naruto doing with his hands?"

"Making Yui scream? Wait no it's a kata (1)…hey. Isn't that the sign for-"

A high pitched squeal of excitement rocked the home as Hinata and Yui suddenly saw six Narutos instead of one.

Tsunade and Joya looked at each other for a few seconds before they rushed the door. As two hands from two different women clasped the front door's handle both women glared at each other. A calm quiet came over them as they regarded the other.

"What are you doing Tsunade?"

The younger glared at her senior, "I could ask you the same thing."

Joya poked Tsunade' prodigious chest, "You've gotten your Fox steak already missy! I've been in this village for two weeks and all I've had in the way of a man is Jiraya! Now that is not a complaint but still!"

Tsunade relented the point. Jiraya, though good at what he did usually left women wanting, whether on purpose or because of some other reason outside his control, Tsunade had never really figured out.

"Plus!" Joya said regaining Tsunade's attention. "The weight of yours, Yui's, and Hinata's breasts together equal mine. Don't drown the boy! Let's see if he has the knack to handle a skinny woman!"

Tsunade snorted. "You're saying my big tits are a bad thing?"

"Would I EVER say big tits are a bad thing? But look at who he has already! It's like giving you a sake store after you got your own bar!"

Tsunade did not like how that analogy moved to her drinking. "So…janken (2)?"

Joya nodded. After five tries Joya won three and Tsunade looked at her stupid closed fist. The older kunoichi took the key to the barrier and sauntered in. she slowly removed her face mask and the prosthetic she wore. With a smile she ascended the stairs and kicked the door open.

The girls, entrenched as they were, didn't notice but the original Naruto, who was gaining some breathing time in a small patch of shadows did. Joya scanned the room and found him. He gulped. While he did not recognize her face or body he _did_ recognize her eyes.

"J-Joya-bachan?!" he asked. The older woman smiled and held up her 'old' face. Naruto, suddenly conflicted looked to Yui or Hinata for help. Considering the heiress to the Hyuuga clan was engrossed in two clones that had discovered Hinata's talent with her hands.

Yui was relishing the feeling of two Naruto's inside of her and one more messaging her feet.

"Okay this is weird. You're like…well an aunt…or close to it." Naruto _did not_ say stepmother because he had read the Icha, Icha series and if a female step _anything_ was horny you were in for some crazy shit.

And 'crazy shit' was exactly how Naruto would describe Joya.

"Listen kid, we can do this any number of ways," Joya said as she walked forward removing layers of clothing as she did, "The first way is we just get into it and get past all the ticks you seem to have about older stronger women riding you like a pony," or stallion, she muttered under her breath, "Or I can hogtie you and use you as a sybian. Or you can hog tie _me_."

Naruto sighed. "Fine," he grunted standing up to face her, realizing Joya was his height. They glared into each other's eyes for a few seconds. "Y'know…I usually go for bigger tits."

Joya laughed, "what A coincidence. I usually go for bigger _brains_."

Naruto growled and grabbed her forcing her into a kiss, he faintly tasted plum sake. Joya responded in kind reaching around to get a firm grip on Naruto's rear. When they broke she had a screwball smile on, "My, my. It seems Yui is an ass girl!"

Naruto snorted and spanked her in time causing the oldest member of the party to laugh, until another hand smacked her rump. She turned to see a second Naruto behind her giving the first a wink.

"Where did he come from?" she asked throwing a thumb in his direction.

"Well Hinata's getting pretty worn out and this one still has about an hour's worth of chakra left so I thought he'd help me loosen you up," Naruto explained as he glanced over to the very tired looking, and very creamy Hinata. Yui, on all fours under the menstruations of two clones (the other two were taking a break from the ravenous fox girl) lapped at the milky predicament on her friend's face before kissing Hinata deeply.

"I see," Joya nodded. She took on a thoughtful look and regarded Naruto, "What did you mean 'loosen me up'?" The second grinned and grabbed her rear before thrusting in. Joya gave a high pitched squeak and was lifted to her tip toes.

"Sorry. I wanted to say 'loosen your ass up' but that seemed vulgar to me," he grinned as his original pair of hands cupped her buttocks and slid along the curve of her thighs to lift her legs, settling her weight between the two as he pushed into her vagina.

Joya panted, it had been a very long time since she had been treated so expertly. The feeling was a good reminder of her younger more innocent days, well her _potentially_ innocent days anyway.

"You know something kid?" she panted between their thrusts, which she noticed were done in such a way as to keep her off balance, "This was a favorite trick of Jiraya's. He'd do it to me all the time."

Naruto, despite himself, "I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Yeah," she tried to say before a particularly strong buck from the Naruto behind her caused her to let out a long satisfied sigh, "What is it with you three? What kind of relationship did you guys have?"

Joya smiled wanly, "Let's just say it was a lot of angry sex, violent out bursts and emotional nights with the four of us."

Naruto raised an eyebrow, "Four?"

Joya's grin went from ear to ear. "I liked snakes long before I liked toads or foxes Naru-chan," she said as she kissed him, forcing her tongue deep into her mouth, in fact deeper than she should have physically been able to. Naruto pulled back and saw a testament to whatever Joya and Orochimaru may have had.

"Oh that's just weird…"

"Says the guy fucking five holes at once. When two of them belong to a chick who could be your sister!"

"Thanks I'll remember that next time you ask me for help."

"_Sexual _help!" Joya cried laughed before she tightened the muscles in her anus and vagina. Both Naruto winced as she adjusted herself and forced them to start thrusting in tandem. "Don't underestimate me boyo."

Grunting through the pain of his pinched member, and the inevitable pain he'd get from his clone, he said, "I'll remember that."

Joya rode the two clones for close to an hour, well beyond her protégé and Hinata who passed out from the exertion nearly thirty minutes after the festival of Naruto had begun. When Joya had finally rendered the last of Naruto's clones depleted she stood, stretching her arms and legs and looked at the very haggard young man.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked.

Naruto lifted his heavy lids and managed a half-hearted glare. "I just had sex twenty five times in less than two hours. My balls are numb, my dick is numb and I have this wet feeling on the back side of my scrotum. For the first time in my life I am completely and utterly wiped out and it had nothing to do with training or combat."

Joya only grinned. "Remember kid, _you_'_re_ the one who started dating kunoichi. We're a bit more fierce than normal women."

"No shit," Naruto grunted.

Resting beside him was Hinata. The many vestments of the queen form had dissipated after each round until she laid quite naked on the floor. The piercings in her nipples and the tattoos remained, but the one of the Uzumaki clan symbol had changed into the Hyuuga's. Naruto wondered if she would keep them. They added a little flair the heiress that Naruto liked.

Yui was sitting beside her master, her head resting on his shoulder. "Hey Naruto-sama," Yui said softly.

"What is it Yui-chan?" he asked as he wrapped a hand around her and let it rest on her soft thigh.

"Hinata isn't a virgin."

"That's coo-"

Joya and Naruto looked at each other.

"_WHAT?!_"

* * *

A/N: So I'm gonna check off the shit I did in this chapter.

**Naruto having sex with Hinata (Check)(Check)(Check)(Check)(Check)(Check)**

**Naruto having _alternative_ sex with any female (Check)(Check)(Check)**

**Naruto having sex with an OC (Check)(Check)**

**Naruto having a 3-way (Check)**

**Naruto gangbanging a girl with clones (Check)(Check)(Check)**

**Naruto pulling a train on a girl (Check)(Check)(Check)**

There is a grand deal wrong with this world and myself. I'll also have you guys know that last part with Joya was never supposed to happen. It just seemed to fit. Especially the little spat between her and Tsunade over who got to go inside. That was my favorite part of this chapter.

**Dictionary:**

**(1) Kata: **Hand signs.

**(2) Janken: **Rock, paper, scissors.


	17. NOTIFICATION!

**ARRIVING!**

**~MOUNTAINWIND~!**

Howdy all. Yes, sadly this is what you think, a notification of surrender and retreat (holds up hands.) But wait. It's not why you think. I'm going to re-write this debacle which has been one of my favorite to write and read over. I mainly want to re-write it to add a little bit more based on the current canon. I mean when it started Naruto didn't even know how to finish the Fuuton: Rasengan for god's sake.

Also a few of my little knicks and catches here and there didn't pan out no matter how much I tried. I could go into _excrutiating_ detail about each and everything wrong with this story, but instead I'll just let you know i'm working on it.

I've resolved to finish Serpentine Embrace (it'll be about 20 chapters I'm aiming for one chapter every week and a half) after that I may tackle Entwined Tails. It's a toss up between entwined Tails or Typhoon among the clouds. But in all seriousness part of me wants to write and get into Demolisher. Oh well they have these nifty 'poll' things now so I may try one of those.

This will stay up even and active even as I post the new one.

Yui, Joya, Yai, The Physical Manifestation of the Will of Fire (Bow): Thanks for reading we hope to see you soon!

Will of fire: WAIT! WAIT!

Joya (Taking out golden eye contacts): We can't wait this is it. We're going to rewrites!

Will of Fire: NO ONE TOLD WHY NINJAS DON'T WEAR SOCKS!

Yui: Oka-sama...

Yai: Gladly. **_SUITON! BAKUSUI SHOHA!_** (Water Release: Giant Wave o' Doom)


End file.
